Husband Something Non-sexual?

[Adjusting]

I've been married 13 years and have been accepting recently that my husband is likely asexual (or hyposexual or ...). This is why I think so, but I would appreciate other's thoughts.

-If I leave it to him to initiate sex, it is once a month or less.

-He rarely responds to sexy outfits, etc.

-When I was still pursuing sex, it was mostly coaxing him (physically) into it.

-He has never masturbated (in his life).

-He has never had a wet dream (in his life).

-His past sexual relationship was in his teens and it was about once a month for them.

-His Dad gave him a stack of girly-mags (as a teen) and he put them away and never looked at them.

-He swears he can change it (repeatedly), but there has been no change.

-He's not into deep kissing (seems to like pecking - no lingering).

Thank you all for your responses and, for all you asexies, I wholly accept you and hope to assist in helping the world accept you. My husband is amazing and I want him to be whatever he is in ease.

[Sally]

Hi, Figuring. Welcome to AVEN. (You don't have to eat it if you don't like cake!)

Since we don't know your husband, we can't tell you whether he is or is not asexual. Have you asked him? Does he know anything about asexuality? Since he's the one to determine whether he is or not, you could tell him about AVEN and let him investigate it on his own. You should look around also.

It's great that you have accepted your husband as he is, and we thank you for wanting to help asexuals as a group be accepted. That's impressive to hear, especially since (having been an asexual in relationships with sexuals all my life) I know that it's difficult for a "mixed" relationship to be comfortable for both parties.

Some mixed couples have been able to make compromises, so that neither one feels completely frustrated (maybe just a little :lol: ). When you discuss it further with him, you could talk about what those compromises might be. They generally involve behavior rather than feelings, because feelings just...happen, but behavior can be negotiated.

[Sommer]

He sounds a lot like me; my husband tries to initiate sex a lot but we only end up doing it 1-2 times a month. I'm asexual so it's very hard for me to even give in those few times. At least your man wants it once a month, whereas I never crave it or think of it. I only give in due to guilt and compromisation since he is sexual.

Unlike your man, I used to be sexual when I was young; I'm just not anymore. I definitely don't like kissing (any kind) at all. I only like to cuddle when the time's right.

[PiF]

could i ask if your husband knows if your here? and if he does would be be receptive to coming in himself and having a nosey around?

two points i took from your post as positives

you still love your husband greatly and despite on occasion wouldn't mind sex a bit more..the love for your husband superceedes that

so thank you for taking the time to come in and look around...welcome

[Guest]

He might say he'll change, but being asexual isn't a condition you can consciously come out of. His sexuality could change over time, but in a natural way he won't be able to force. If he's asexual now, all you could do is compromise on how you live your sex life, by making him as comfortable as possible during sex. It could be hard on you, I know that, but if you do respect his will and avoid forcing him into having sex all the time, I bet it can work.

Good luck!

[Adjusting]

Thank you all for the welcomes.

He does know I've been looking into asexuality. I began because of a conversation we had where I was distressed and told him I didn't believe he could really be into me b/c the actions didn't make sense. We discussed the possibility of being gay (but he shows no signs), the interest he swears he has in me and he brought up wondering if he was asexual - we watched a show on it years ago. I think the intensity of the conversation brought that out b/c he hasn't wanted to consider it further.

Later on, after having found this site, I told him of some of the things I had learned about asexuality and that I believed he was asexual and had felt relief in accepting the idea. He doesn't want that to be the case and told me that he can change it and he will. That was months ago and there has been no change. This is not the first time he has said this, either.

He wants me to give him the chance to make these changes so I will wait, but plan on bringing it up again after a few months and introducing him to the site. I just have to be patient.

I'm trying to collect additional information that I haven't been able to find references to, like the wet dream thing. There seems to be the assumption that it happens to every male, even if it happens later than typical. Are there other males who have never dreamt AND never masturbated?

I do expect him to read this post in the future, and am even prepared to use it as a starting point to help him if he's willing to explore this. I figured that knowledgeable responses about his particular situation would be friendlier, somehow.

[Sally]

He doesn't want that to be the case and told me that he can change it and he will. That was months ago and there has been no change. This is not the first time he has said this, either.

He wants me to give him the chance to make these changes so I will wait, but plan on bringing it up again after a few months and introducing him to the site. I just have to be patient.

As someone above said, it isn't like to change. He may want to change because he knows your relationship would be easier if he could. Perhaps you could really think about whether your relationship would be OK if he is indeed asexual and that is his orientation, just as yours is sexual. Patience on your part while he tries to change--or says he wants to change--isn't going to be the answer, just as patience on his part waiting for you to change wouldn't be. Asexuals and sexuals are different in a fairly important area for relationships. What's important is that neither of you expect the other to change, but talk about possible compromise. Compromise meaning behavior, not feelings.