Labels

[lifegoeson]

I came out to my boyfriend a month or so ago. I am very lucky in that he isn't bothered at all, isn't massively sexual himself, and I don't actually mind sex, so on the occasion he does feel like it I'm more than happy to go along with it because it's just another cool coupley thing to me like hugging or holding hands or whatever, and now that he knows that I don't feel like I'm lying any more. So in that sense I'm extremely fortunate, and it hasn't changed anything.

However. The *reason* he's cool with it is that he literally doesn't believe in labels, at all. He considers my lack of sexual attraction to anyone to be just another variant of normal human behaviour. Which is on the one hand a really great stance to take. On the other, he gets visibly frustrated whenever anyone tries to label themselves in terms of their sexuality. If I were to start openly identifying as asexual, he would not be cool with this. He thinks labels are divisive and set up a 'them' and 'us' system. He doesn't label himself, and doesn't believe anyone else should either.

Since realising I'm not actually really sexually attracted to anyone, and that *that's okay*, I've figured out I might actually be panromantic. Which is really cool to me; I feel like I understand myself a lot better (it also makes a lot more sense to me to realise that being romantically attracted to all genders and sexually attracted to none *doesn't* mean I'm straight by default). And if anyone asks me my orientation, I'd quite like to be able to say I'm a panromantic ace.

Sure, the fact that I'm in an outwardly heteronormative relationship means this doesn't really *matter* in practical terms; but I also have a lot of guilt for the fact that I benefit so much from straight privilege when I don't wholly identify with heteronormativity. On the other hand, I also feel like perhaps I only want to stick a label on myself to make me feel like I fit into something or belong to something when actually I should just be being myself.

What do you think about labels?

[Rakel]

I see labels as a tool, much like scientific theories. Some are more or less reasonable than others, some are completely bonkers, and all are allegible to be replaced by something that works better.

I draw this parallell based on the "evolution" of the plethora of labels that have come in to existance - whenever something didn't work out for people, such as not being heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, man, woman and so on, someone comes up with a word they use to describe themselves to others. Much like hetero-, homo- and bisexuality eventually gave birth to the Kinsley scale.

I guess I am a lot more tolerant of labels than your boyfriend, but I am weary of them as well - we humans have a tendency to find that word, that theory to explain it all, for the moment, and then refuse to give it up come hell or high water.

It's one of the reasons I haven't actually, really come out (not that I'm entirely sure what that's supposed to mean) - because I'm afraid of trapping myself in a place I eventually realize I don't want to be. The problem is that the people around me, for the most part, already have me cathegorized as something I'm not entirely. Which in itself doesn't bother me as much as it does others, but sometimes I get treated a way I'm not entirely comfortable with. Maybe declaring myself asexual publicly would help, but not much as long as the word and its implications is unknown.

[lifegoeson]

I see labels as a tool, much like scientific theories. Some are more or less reasonable than others, some are completely bonkers, and all are allegible to be replaced by something that works better.

I draw this parallell based on the "evolution" of the plethora of labels that have come in to existance - whenever something didn't work out for people, such as not being heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, man, woman and so on, someone comes up with a word they use to describe themselves to others. Much like hetero-, homo- and bisexuality eventually gave birth to the Kinsley scale.

I guess I am a lot more tolerant of labels than your boyfriend, but I am weary of them as well - we humans have a tendency to find that word, that theory to explain it all, for the moment, and then refuse to give it up come hell or high water.

It's one of the reasons I haven't actually, really come out (not that I'm entirely sure what that's supposed to mean) - because I'm afraid of trapping myself in a place I eventually realize I don't want to be. The problem is that the people around me, for the most part, already have me cathegorized as something I'm not entirely. Which in itself doesn't bother me as much as it does others, but sometimes I get treated a way I'm not entirely comfortable with. Maybe declaring myself asexual publicly would help, but not much as long as the word and its implications is unknown.

I am of the opinion that when labels are used, they are used to describe preference; and that preferences can change (not necessarily often, but they can). If someone is only attracted to their own gender, I see no reason why they shouldn't identify as gay; if they later fall in love with a person of the opposite gender (even if that's the only person of that gender they will ever be attracted to), if they then want to identify as bisexual or pansexual there's no reason they shouldn't, and it doesn't mean they were 'wrong' about their previous identity (if they still want to identify as gay because that's the only person of the opposite gender they've *ever* been attracted to, that's okay too - although it might confuse people!).

I realise that's controversial (and I have gotten into at least one argument over it on AVEN before), but it makes me slightly less wary than I otherwise would be about 'trapping' myself. I think a big part of the reason I am not sure whether to actually identify as ace or not is that I simply *do not know what to say* when someone asks me my orientation (which considering the number of queer-identified people I hang out with sometimes ends up being the elephant in the room), and feel uneasy about exploiting my apparent straight-sexual privilege which I don't really 'deserve' to have.

I'm not really sure what I think about any of this (as you might be able to tell!)

[Member33070]

I just see them as a way to aid in describing things. Like how we have words for stuff. You know?

Like most of AVEN is purple. But it's not a true, perfect mix of red and blue, it's sort of a light, lilac-y shade. But most of us just call it purple or lilac instead of being all specific about the exact hex code that the color is or whatever (which would be pointless anyway since there's some gradients in the graphics). So since we acknowledge that there are different shades of purple here, we can just call it all purple. And Barney is purple, and a lot of grape-flavored things are purple, and violets are purple...etc, etc. Even though they're all vastly different shades.

So - it's a lot easier to just have a word for something rather than having a long, drawn-out conversation about the exact nuances of a person every time they want to know something. So like, when I introduce myself, I can say something along the lines of, "I'm a female heteroromantic asexual straight-edge American rocker" instead of "I have a hole between my legs and blobs on my chest, I like people with dangly things between their legs and want to spend the rest of my life with one who likes me too, but don't feel the need for his dangly thing in my hole...I don't like drinking those nasty tasting drinks only adults can buy or poking myself with needles filled with illegal stuff or smoking anything, I live in that huge piece of land that's shaped like this *draws in air* and I like the music that's loud and sounds like *makes noises*"

You know? It just makes it easier and far less awkward for introductions. :lol:

[Siggy]

There was a Queer Secret some time ago that I very much agreed with.

[AnyOtherName]

I like to categorize. No, that's not what I mean (though it is true). What I mean, is I like description. I collect adjectives and adverbs, and when using verbs I lean towards descriptive ones. Why use 'sit' when someone can 'slouch'? Why 'run' when you've got got 'bolt' and 'sprint'?

Similarly, when I use nouns I like to make sure I'm using the 'correct' or most appropriate one for a given situation. Girl, female, woman, dame, broad, and lady could all refer to the same person, but they all have different meanings and connotations. That's why I like labels: different words for the 'same' thing might not mean the same thing at all, and when I'm talking to someone I want to be absolutely sure that I'm referring to them the way THEY want to be referred to. If someone prefers "Black" over "African American" I'll call them Black. (Or vice versa.) When a gal says her name is "Wanda", not "Alvin", no matter what her transphobic parents say, I call her Wanda. And if I know someone who's genderqueer or genderfluid I keep updated on the correct pronouns as much as possible.

So I'm in favor of labels, but only in terms of what the individual in question prefers to be called. I don't want to offend anybody by using a label they dislike or think doesn't fit them. For that same reason, someone who doesn't want or need labels are also fine. I'll still ask them what I should call them- she, he, zie, or [name here], because it's annoyingly hard to introduce someone or describe them to someone else without some kind of descriptive noun or adjective (sexualities and gender identities count for both- queer, gay, female, genderfluid, agender...), but if [name here] is the only 'label' they want, they I'll call them [name here].

I'm sorry about your boyfriend, and I hope it doesn't become an issue. But I would like to point out that you have every right to call yourself whatever you want, especially if you feel it fits. It is YOUR identity, not his. Labels aren't necessary (for some people), and they can cause problems ('us', 'them', etc.), but that doesn't mean people aren't allowed to have names for what they are. Good luck.

[Vdougie]

I do not think labels are bad unless you use them to sterotype people. Labels are useful for letting people know more about you without having to explain to them alot. But, labels are only useful if people know what they mean. In that situation, you will have to explain to them alot more for yourself and the label making it counterproductive.