What’s so bad about dying alone, anyway?

[henrik]

A frequent bad response from someone when you come out is something like ”But you’ll be so lonely when you grow old and you’ll die alone!”. Sometimes this is said with concern, sometimes with arrogance and sometimes with anger. This is a sentiment I’ve even heard from other asexuals sometimes (although I won’t point fingers, as it is not the point of this thread).

Yes, I get it that they’re projecting. They find that the idea of being alone all trough their life is abysmal and therefore assume that the same must be true for everybody else as well. But why is it so hard to understand that some people have absolutely no need for companionship in this sense? I am alone practically all day, every day and I’ve never felt lonely in my life. The entire concept is somewhat foreign to me. Should I be equally as angry and confrontational about people who do have that need for companionship? I hope not, because I see no point.

And why is ”alone” being associated with relationships anyway? Don’t these people have friends? And why the assumption that I’ll be unable to make friends when I get old, if I should start to feel lonely at some point? Is there a cutoff point after which you’re not allowed to make any? Is that why I should feel bad about being alone now? The logic escapes me.

If I should die alone, I can’t see that being a bad thing in any way. It probably means that I have lived my life as it feels the most comfortable, alone and in peace. If I should die with a large family, something must’ve gone terribly wrong at some point and I probably would’ve been miserable. But for some reason, the first case is automatically assumed to be a negative outcome and the latter a great triumph. And while I understand that that indeed is the case for the majority of people, I’m still somewhat annoyed by the assumption.

So the next time you hear about someone croacking in their appartments so alone that their body is not found in a long time, don’t necessarily feel bad about it. Maybe that’s exactly how they wanted it to be and it’s a testament to their choices in life. Feel bad about the people who have to clean it all up instead.

[Not-You]

Feel bad about the people who have to clean it all up instead.

Maybe people who are afraid to die alone are actually just really clean people who don't want to leave a mess! :lol:

[Gho St Ory Qwan]

I dunno but the statement is stupid anyway. People always die alone. Unless they want to try joint suicide or something. And if not, I don't think it's nice to let someone watch you die anyway.

Iunno. I always see it that you'll die alone even if you're surrounded by people.

I personally like company and want it, but I am not about to suggest I need it, or anyone else for that matter. I don't see what everyone's problem is with difference in general. -.-

[GhostsInThisMachine]

Feel bad about the people who have to clean it all up instead.

That made me giggle :lol:

But I agree with you entirely. I have no idea why people are so afraid of dying alone. At this moment I feel like it would be a preferable option, since I enjoy being alone quite a lot of the time and can't cope with people being around me for long lengths of time. I'd rather have friends (and there's not cut off point for friends!) that I can see for a bit each week and then be alone, than have a partner in my life. Rather like I do now.

[Rhaenys]

At my primary school I transferred from having classmates who were all like family to one where I literally had no friends for 3 years. I lived through it since then I kinda learned and adapted to loneliness and I have no qualms about it....to a point I even like it.

I'm not interested in relationships and I'm childfree so the dying alone path may be the one I go down. It's too early to determine that for me but if it is I'm not afraid of it .When people talk about afraid of being / dying alone I simply can't find the void that makes it so bad. Maybe for them it is but for me not really.

[Trolley Girl]

I've never really thought of it as a bad thing, though I doubt it would happen to me anyways; I have a huge extended family, including 15 younger cousins, who will likely out-live me anyways, and I can assume that at least 6 or 7 of them will have kids of their own who could help me out as well. So I really have nothing to fear in the least bit. 8)

[Ancel]

I guess they are afraid you will be lonely. I feel like there is a difference between being lonely and solitude. I like being alone sometimes. I feel peaceful, I like being by myself, just reading or watching TV or whatever. Sometimes being alone is the most amazing feeling in the world.

But when you are lonely, it's sad, and it hurts. When you don't have someone sometimes to share things you like... For example, most of my friends don't live in my town, so every now and again I feel lonely that, while watching a show we all like, I can't share it with them. I guess that's why they say that.

I just don't get it why they assume just because you are in a relationship you are alone. I mean, you have friends and families, right?

I personally like being alone...

Sorry, kind of rambling.

[Asexy Existentialist]

There's no cutoff point for making friends, but a lot of people do tend to go off and get married - the nerve! - so they're not as devoted to their friendships (timewise, anyway) as they are when they're single.

As for dying alone, at least you aren't causing anyone to go through the horrible heartbreak of loss. And I've always liked being alone, preferred it, maybe in a selfish way but still logically (not having to compromise for the sake of someone else).

[vogue]

I guess they are afraid you will be lonely. I feel like there is a difference between being lonely and solitude. I like being alone sometimes. I feel peaceful, I like being by myself, just reading or watching TV or whatever. Sometimes being alone is the most amazing feeling in the world.

But when you are lonely, it's sad, and it hurts. When you don't have someone sometimes to share things you like... For example, most of my friends don't live in my town, so every now and again I feel lonely that, while watching a show we all like, I can't share it with them. I guess that's why they say that.

I just don't get it why they assume just because you are in a relationship you are alone. I mean, you have friends and families, right?

I personally like being alone...

Sorry, kind of rambling.

Yep, I feel the same way... there's a difference between 'being alone' and being 'lonely.' One doesn't necessarily imply the other, but society seems to conflate the 2. To the OP: why do you raise this topic now? I notice that you're the same age as me... do you feel like if you haven't achieved a relationship or marriage by this point, you're destined to remain 'alone' forever? I don't think that's the case... but I am feeling like that increasingly as well. The thought does make me sad... that somehow I'm so 'odd' or peculiar in society, I'll never find anyone that 'fits' or can accept me as I am. That said, I've always been 'alone'... I don't feel weird or too depressed about it. But the thought of never sharing special moments with someone (travelling, maybe having kids, etc.) does make me slightly sad to think about.

(edited)

[Member33070]

Well...my problem with this phrase is that nobody knows how I'm going to die. There are absolutely no guarantees that I will die in a hospital bed with my loved ones surrounding me, and actually, I would prefer not to die like that. I want it to be quick, abrupt, and preferably due to an accident where I won't experience a lot of pain or feel the trauma. And I'd really prefer it to not be drowning or some other instance where I can't breathe. But I only want to die after I've completed what I was put here to do. I want my life to mean something, so I don't want to die from an accident before I've served my purpose. I just don't want to suffer when I die. I also don't want anyone else to suffer when I die - by being worried about me or going through grief and loss - so dying alone sounds pretty great I guess. :lol:

[henrik]

To the OP: why do you raise this topic now? I notice that you're the same age as me... do you feel like if you haven't achieved a relationship or marriage by this point, you're destined to remain 'alone' forever?

Why now? It just crossed my mind as I was reading the "Worst Responses" thread and it's been a pet peeve of mine for awhile now.

And no, that's not my point at all. There's no cutoff with relationships either. My point being that as aromantic, I do not desire a relationship. Never have and, most likely, never will. Sharing my life with someone like people in relationships do is an extremely unpleasant prospect for me. I like being alone. I found that even having a pet is too much companionship for me, even though I like cats tremendously.

And yes, I agree with everyone about the fact that at the end of the day, everybody dies alone. It's a very personal thing. I thought about saying that in my original post, but thought that I wouldn't go into semantics.

[zoidberger]

And yes, I agree with everyone about the fact that at the end of the day, everybody dies alone. It's a very personal thing. I thought about saying that in my original post, but thought that I wouldn't go into semantics.

I guess I don't see it as semantics. As others have said, I can see a certain comfort in dying with friends and family around me, but I still think we all die alone no matter if there is anyone physically there. Anyway, as to the OP's question, I think people are fearful of the unknown and it's a shared fear of many people to want someone important close to you so you don't have to experience everything alone. I agree and think it's a silly reason to connect directly with a need for a relationship. To some people it's an important assessment of who you were or how popular you were. One often sees portrayals of scenes where someone visits their own funeral and scoffs at the reception they attract. In my opinion it's just another one of society's "goals" to achieve in life.

For me, I can see wanting my last breath, words or wishes going to the people that are most important to me. For that reason alone, I can see why I'd choose to have my fiance, family and possibly friends around.

[seneca]

As one who has contemplated this many times, dying alone seems so natural. And you never know when it will happen anyway. I could step off a curb in the city and be flattened by a bus. The idea of worrying of how and when and why just makes no sense.

[cosmicbimbo]

Feel bad about the people who have to clean it all up instead.

That made me giggle :lol:

But I agree with you entirely. I have no idea why people are so afraid of dying alone. At this moment I feel like it would be a preferable option, since I enjoy being alone quite a lot of the time and can't cope with people being around me for long lengths of time. I'd rather have friends (and there's not cut off point for friends!) that I can see for a bit each week and then be alone, than have a partner in my life. Rather like I do now.

This.

[cosmicbimbo]

Well...my problem with this phrase is that nobody knows how I'm going to die. There are absolutely no guarantees that I will die in a hospital bed with my loved ones surrounding me, and actually, I would prefer not to die like that. I want it to be quick, abrupt, and preferably due to an accident where I won't experience a lot of pain or feel the trauma. And I'd really prefer it to not be drowning or some other instance where I can't breathe. But I only want to die after I've completed what I was put here to do. I want my life to mean something, so I don't want to die from an accident before I've served my purpose. I just don't want to suffer when I die. I also don't want anyone else to suffer when I die - by being worried about me or going through grief and loss - so dying alone sounds pretty great I guess. :lol:

I had two co-workers die of heart attacks in their sleep. That to me is the way to go. Go to sleep and just never wake up.

[Member33070]

For me, I can see wanting my last breath, words or wishes going to the people that are most important to me. For that reason alone, I can see why I'd choose to have my fiance, family and possibly friends around.

I can understand this, but for me, it's not quite as important. It would be cool to have my last words passed on down the line, since most of them are pretty cool and seem almost otherworldly (my great-uncle's last words were, "The game is over. The bird flew out the window."). But I'm happy with my loved ones having my journals from my entire life...I started writing when I was 6 or 7 and never stopped. I have boxes and boxes of journals and pages and pages of online blogs...they document every major event in my life, every turning point, every lesson learned. So for me, that legacy is more important - passing down my experiences and knowledge and what my life was like, than a few cool last words.

I'm the type that hates being pushed into a grief situation - I hate funerals and can't bring myself to visit dying loved ones in hospitals. This sounds terrible, but it's just because I know if I was that dead/dying person, I wouldn't personally want everyone sitting/standing around crying about me. I want to be remembered happily. I don't want to be remembered as what I looked like on my deathbed or how my reconstructed flesh looked in the casket. I still struggle trying to remember what my great-grandpa looked like when he wasn't totally pale with nearly dead eyes while he was having kidney dialysis.

I want to be remembered like, "Dang, she sure liked to sing karaoke." Or, "Wasn't it great that nobody ever told her how horrible her hair looked from the back?" I feel like these little discussions are inappropriate for funerals or deathbed chats, so most people don't have them until later. If I died unexpectedly, it would encourage more meaningful discussion initially and happy remembrances later. It's weird how much easier it is to go through a death where the person just died and you didn't stay at their deathbed or go to their funeral - but it's not like their lives were any less important to you. They still mean a lot and you remember them fondly. I want something like that for myself.

Well...my problem with this phrase is that nobody knows how I'm going to die. There are absolutely no guarantees that I will die in a hospital bed with my loved ones surrounding me, and actually, I would prefer not to die like that. I want it to be quick, abrupt, and preferably due to an accident where I won't experience a lot of pain or feel the trauma. And I'd really prefer it to not be drowning or some other instance where I can't breathe. But I only want to die after I've completed what I was put here to do. I want my life to mean something, so I don't want to die from an accident before I've served my purpose. I just don't want to suffer when I die. I also don't want anyone else to suffer when I die - by being worried about me or going through grief and loss - so dying alone sounds pretty great I guess. :lol:

I had two co-workers die of heart attacks in their sleep. That to me is the way to go. Go to sleep and just never wake up.

That would work too, I guess. Especially if I just keep dreaming for all eternity... :)

[NamTar]

They value different things. It's like my parents, who think I'm a failure on some level for not being married and having kids, like something is horribly wrong with me, and my life must be miserable, and they are embarassed for me, despite me saying this is nonsense. I'm not miserable. However, many people base their entire lives and self-worth around relationships and there is a social stigma around being single. I've met many peope who can't fathom how I could be happy without being in a relationship.

I get upset when people think single people must be miserable, and that not being in a relationship is a horrible situation that needs to be corrected as soon as possible. It is very frustrating for those of us who want no such thing.

And why is ”alone” being associated with relationships anyway? Don’t these people have friends?

I think it's because they think of friends as "just friends," i.e., less important or they don't matter as such. As an aromantic person, friends are what I value most, so it seems like nonsense to me.

So the next time you hear about someone croacking in their appartments so alone that their body is not found in a long time, don’t necessarily feel bad about it. Maybe that’s exactly how they wanted it to be and it’s a testament to their choices in life. Feel bad about the people who have to clean it all up instead.

This. I certainly wouldn't have a problem if I lived a long, happy life, and then died alone in my apartment. Hell, I'd rather die alone. I mean, I'm sure it'd be stressful to see your friends or partner die. I don't think I'd want to watch my friends die.

I guess they are afraid you will be lonely. I feel like there is a difference between being lonely and solitude.

There is definitely a difference, but some people don't understand that. I have no problem if other people hate being alone and feel lonely; but I hate it when people automatically assume you're lonely just because you are alone. I am alone a lot, not just in the sense of being single but in the sense of solitude, but I enjoy it.

[Amedot]

My elderly aunt and uncle grew old and one of them died, leaving the other to rot in the world two years before she could join him. We all die alone. But, say, those weirdos who drank poisoned Kool-Aide? They didn't die alone.