New and full of questions.

[Deliriums_ L U LL A B Y]

How to start . . . man, I am usually a chatterbox and now I seem lost for words. Supposing if I start off with a brief introduction I might be able to make a decent little introduction, question, discussion-thing. So, here we go! My name is Devon [insert surname here and], I live in the United States, and I attend an all girl's Catholic high school. I joined yesterday and chatted a bit with some pretty cool people. Right off the bat I had a good experience. Hopefully I'll have more.

When I was little, as in attending lower school ( primary school; grades kindergarten-4 ), I kind of first found out there was something different about me. You know, despite my natural oddity and all. My friends were early bloomers when I came to relationships and hit the boy crazed mode really early. They'd always be giggling about boys, who was cute and I walways scratching her head when they go on and on about how much they thought those boys were absolutely adorable (I have the ability to notice someone is attractive, but never felt the need or desire to act out whatever upon it). And my goodness, they would never stop hounding me about who I had a crush on. They would never believe me when I said no one and so they kept pressuring me and pressuring me until I just picked these random boys out of my head and labeled them "my crush." Satisfied, they finally left me in peace.

I thank whatever being there is out there for making me asexual or else my total lack of a love life would have gotten me pretty down. Through upper school ( junior high; 5-8 ) I was never asked out on a date. I had my friends, both make and female. What more was needed? Upper school was more laid back, but pretty much the same as lower school. I'd make up lies on who I liked, so on so forth. By then my friends contributed my "boyish" personality to my lack of interest, I think. Honestly I have no idea what they had on their minds. It was around the last year of upper school when I really started to wonder why I had no romantic feelings towards my actual self proclaimed crush. He never knew about my crush and he never will, because it was a lie to myself. I'd be fine and like to give him hugs, hold into his arm playfully (just to annoy and make him feel awkward, because I found it highly amusing). However even when I did those things I didn't feel anything different. It was like I was hugging a brother, ever guy I hugged felt like I was hugging a brother; someone close, but not someone close. It was the same thing for girls, I didn't feel anything different. Also it was around that time when I thought it was completely odd that I was the only girl I knew of who didn't want to have a boyfriend. My friends and other girls, please, they were going through them like nothing. Me, I had better things to do.

Fast forward to today. I go to an all girls (as of this year that will end, more on that soon) and my goodness it was a little weird. So all girls and no guys, that meant all those sexual and imitate stories let loose. My new batch of high school friends always discuss their love life, how there first kiss was (I was obviously interested in this, to this day I have never been kissed by another), and how much they wanted a boy friend. Finally, I just got so confused and asked "why do you care so much?" They all looked at me weird and promptly laughed, brushing it off as just a Devon-nism. Plus, the idea of getting boys in my school did not make me feel any more pleased. I am one of the very few who don't care one way or the other. I am also part of the small community who don't wolf whsitle whenever the UPS guy comes and drops off a package. My school is Catholic (though I am a religious pluralist, but this isn't my main point) and so I have a theology class. This year we are talking about a person's sexuality. Mostly about chastity and whatnot (whatnot including the ever so infuriating homosexual debate, again my belief in their rights is not my main idea). I was the only one to think that chastity was a wonderful idea. Great! When my mind liked that idea I knew something was really wrong me with. However, my teacher always went on and on about how sex was so completely and utterly incredible; "the complete giving of one self to another." Others were moved, some were laughing at her, me, well I was puzzled. Why did everyone care so much? Didn't sound that amazing.

I discovered asexuality shortly after that freshman year. I am an avid role player on gaia online and I did not know what a certain sexuality was another person made their character. When I went to look it up I followed a few links and there I saw asexuality. Quietly, after reading it, I accepted this was the best orientation I fit under. I spent an entire year only half admitting to myself this was who I was, this year I really started to explore it and found AVEN. Now, I would gladly shout it to the world.

Only my best friend knows my sexuality, but she told me to "wait and see how you feel when you're older". A pretty common response I heard. Another friend of mine had be tell her what I was, but she thought it meant I loved myself and I do think forgot about the entire conversation come time for lunch. I don't think I am going to tell my parents until they bring something up somewhere near the subject. Facebook allowed me to subtly "come out of the closest" by uploading a pretty ace of hearts card and then me writing "ace and proud" inside of it (along with a view directions to get to asexuality of Wikipedia) and having it as my profile picture. No one has taken notice yet, haha.

But now, accepting my orientation, I have a few questions . . .

How does one describe "romantic love"? I would not mind to have someone hold me, hold hands with me, or maybe kiss me. Howbeit, I never seen it more than a nice gesture on the others part. A sweet, innocent but physical way of showing their love. I like hugs and kisses, I give them out all the time. I like to show people I love them and enjoy their company. Not as a way of expressing sexual intimacy. I don't think I am making too much sense, hence why I asked you kind people to give me some explanation.

Also, I would not mind getting married. I don't really care if I do or do not, but I would not mind it. When people ask what I look for in a marriage I'd say companionship, someone who will be there for me till the end. Someone who I can be open, honest, and make me feel strong, a life partner if you will. When they ask what kind of person I'd marry I'd say my best friend, not someone who is "tall, dark, and handsome". I know some asexual people are married, how does that work out?

And most important of all, I want children. I adore children. I was a mother by birth (ask my guy friends, ahah). Though I don't care for sex. And I have been to a few health classes to know that is a bit of an obstacle. I do not want the sex that results in a child, but the child that is the result of sex. Do you get it? I just don't know how that would pan out in this orientation. And, if I marry another asexual that would also be a bit of a bump. I am going to adopt a child sometime in my life . . . but I would love biological children. Just the mere thought of having a little life course through me makes me glow. The thought of sex doesn't gross me out, as you all know I just don't have a desire for it. That would make things hard, yes? I have a lot of time to think about this, but I am just curious.

Um, help?

[Esoteric]

First of all, welcome to AVEN! It is great to have you.

I can't really answer the romantic love part..as I have little experience myself. However, married asexual couples are pretty much like any other couple you see but I think the relationship is deeply rooted in friendship and companionship, rather than sexual relations being a major factor there.

I think it's wonderful that you want to be a mother. This world runs on good moms. I don't think I'm suited for it, but I admire those who are. It's a noble job! It wouldn't be abnormal for you and your partner to engage in sex, as asexuality doesn't necessarily mean abstinence. Also, there is always artificial insemination too..._{but I heard it's expensive.}

[Deliriums_ L U LL A B Y]

I think the relationship is deeply rooted in friendship and companionship, rather than sexual relations being a major factor there.

_{Ah that makes a lot of sense, thank you. I always understood the relationship like that, but the new social views slammed in my face do tend to distract and confuse me o. o;;}

It wouldn't be abnormal for you and your partner to engage in sex, as asexuality doesn't necessarily mean abstinence. Also, there is always artificial insemination too..._{but I heard it's expensive.}

_{I see. Yes, I have heard and read it is expensive. And, my wallet and I are just far more open to just having a child with my future husband. Even though it may be a bit of a chore. Haha. I was just a little concerned, thank you for words of advice.}