LadyL Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Hi, I'm new, but I've been reading a lot on here. So happy I googled "asexuality" that day, I've figured out so much about myself. Anyway, I'm in a relationship now, but regardless I realize I am asexual. I feel really liberated being able to say this to myself. How should I bring this up to him? He realizes already if sex does happen that I'm only doing it for him, but he thinks this is only because of things I have experienced in my past; that I'm going to "warm up" to him and the idea. I know now that this may never happen. Any suggestions? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Nyxity Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I've never been in such a relationship before, but it is best just to say it. My approach would likely be pretty blunt. If you can't do that, perhaps you could start out talking about your relationship and ask some rhetorical questions... "What if I never 'warm up' to having sex?" If he simply says that you will, that might be the time to tell him that it is more than just his beliefs. *Shrugs* Oh, yeah... and if he takes it the wrong way, thinking you don't want to be in a relationship, you need to prepare yourself for such. Think over how you will explain to him that you do love him... Maybe get some views from some sexuals who come here... ask them about how they handled times when a loved one came out to them and what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Good luck. Have lots of before you explain it to him. He probably will not understand (initially), and will not want to give up hope that he can convince you to find the pleasure in sex what he finds. The length of time you've been in the relationship and the depth of the relationship will have a lot to do with his reaction, and how it all works out. From my own experience, if you've been together for a long time, think clearly whether you really want to confront him with your discovery, rather than just let it work itself out eventually in reality. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I know he may not react the way I would hope, which is to accept it and work from there, but I am prepared to stand up for myself in that area. He is really understanding so I'm not too worried. I guess I could wait and see if anyone in a relationship with an Ace will reply also. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Try looking at the posts (or make a post yourself) in the Friends and Allies section of AVEN. There are a lot of thoughtful sexuals in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivier Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi LadyL I'm a sexual with an asexual partner, and I wish I could help, but... Neither of us handled my wife's coming out well - she spat it out bitterly in the middle of a highly tense discussion/argument about sex, and I called her a liar. Still, on the hopeful side, we're both good at getting that sort of stuff out and then letting it go - if we think that it's better that it was said than bottled up, then we take the good, forget the bad (because we have sufficient perspective to realise that that sort of negativity is really only a tiny part of our relationship) and move on. So for us, that coming out was a really helpful and positive thing in our relationship, but as far as advice on how to do it, I can only offer: "not like us" Link to post Share on other sites
thecoldground Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 If it's ever going to be a problem, you won't have any trouble :) Quite simply, when your partner starts to get really annoyed that you aren't being sexual with him or her, they will either ask, or otherwise get more and more annoyed. And then you cn tell them. So it could be: "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" "Because I'm asexual" Link to post Share on other sites
veronicasummers Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Well the good news is you're already in a relationship so there must be a certain amount of trust and connection already. When it came to my current boyfriend (who is sexual) I wasn't sure if I was going to tell him or just try and power through to see what happened. But we're in tune enough that he noticed me tensing up and kept asking if I was okay until I broke down and told him I'm uncomfortable with the physical stuff. I didn't feel like pulling out the ace term just because when I'm with him I wonder if I might be some kind of demisexual. I don't think it's possible for a relationship to last if you don't talk about your sexuality to some degree because you'll just get to a point where you can't keep it in anymore. Whether you want to state the actual term or just explain what makes you uncomfortable is up to you but don't think it's either a full "coming out" or nothing...the degree is completely your call. Just do whatever you're comfortable with. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi LadyL I'm a sexual with an asexual partner, and I wish I could help, but... Neither of us handled my wife's coming out well - she spat it out bitterly in the middle of a highly tense discussion/argument about sex, and I called her a liar. Still, on the hopeful side, we're both good at getting that sort of stuff out and then letting it go - if we think that it's better that it was said than bottled up, then we take the good, forget the bad (because we have sufficient perspective to realise that that sort of negativity is really only a tiny part of our relationship) and move on. So for us, that coming out was a really helpful and positive thing in our relationship, but as far as advice on how to do it, I can only offer: "not like us" Lol, I see. Well thanks, I'll keep in mind to not come out in a spiteful way. Sounds like the magic is still working between you two so there's hope Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 If it's ever going to be a problem, you won't have any trouble :)Quite simply, when your partner starts to get really annoyed that you aren't being sexual with him or her, they will either ask, or otherwise get more and more annoyed. And then you cn tell them. So it could be: "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" "Because I'm asexual" Well I know he would never ask me that question because I've been through a lot and since he knows that he pins any kind of issue on what I have to deal with. So...yeah lol Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted November 22, 2009 Author Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hmm, veronicasummers, you mention demisexuality. I need to take a look at that. But yes, thanks for the best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyL Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Just thought I'd let whoever's interested know- I decided not to come out just yet...there are other issues I need to deal with first, and I'm going to talk to a counselor first. I just want to make sure I have all my facts straight before starting anything...he means a lot to me and I want him to know I would be willing to work through it before just parting ways. Thanks again to those of you who replied Link to post Share on other sites
Nyxity Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Good luck LadyL! You just do it whenever you feel ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.