Unusual or not?

[Aasta]

Hi,

This is sort of my introduction too. I'm an older asexual who has only just discovered the word and this forum. Is it usual to not actually realise about asexuality for an entire lifetime. I only got to thinking about what I was as I have a therapist who said she couldn't tell what I was. Gay, straight or whatever. Does anyone think I should come out to her at our next meeting??

I just feel it might answer her questions and stop her asking again.

Having said all that I also don't feel it's any of her business.

I'm quite confused at the moment as I have just thought I was fridged all my life and to finally find a word is something of a relief.

Aasta

[Jazmin]

First off, welcome to aven :)

About telling your therapist, bear in mind that most people have not heard of asexuality, and many who have are very skeptical of the concept. In other words, her response could be not what you hope for. Granted, some avenites have had success in coming out to people , but there is no guarantee that your therapist will be fully understanding or accepting. She might flat out tell you that asexuality is impossible, or start suggesting all sorts of "reasons" for your asexuality (abuse, haven't met the right person, illness, immaturity, the list goes on), or that you need to be fixed, etc. You might even end up feeling worse than what you started with. Be prepared to do a lot of explaining and defending of your point of view.

Then again, she could very well just accept everything you say without so much of a blink of the eye, and be very supportive. I hope that (or something close to it) is what will happen, if you do decide to tell her. Just be prepared for the worst is all I'm saying.

[KAGU143]

Welcome to AVEN, Aasta.

is traditionally offered to new members. Enjoy!

Your situation isn't all that unusual. When you think about it, society's automatic assumption that everybody wants to have as much sex as possible as often as possible is a very basic foundation for the advertising industry's approach to marketing ... well, just about everything. Numerous industries exist just to enable or encourage people to have "more and better" sex. The entertainment industry assumes that people want to think about it even when they aren't actually doing it.

To NOT want sex at all is ... *gasp* ... just unthinkable! Such a person would be able to resist most types of advertising, and that idea is too horrible to consider. It's no wonder that asexuals are assumed to be lying when they say they aren't interested. The idea is too shocking to accept.

Nonetheless, unthinkable or not, asexuals DO exist. Research suggests that approximately 1% of the population is asexual. That isn't a LOT, but it's a long way from not existing.

Your therapist may have heard of it by now if she keeps up with current publications. Not all therapists are willing to accept asexuality as a valid orientation but some are, and the number is increasing. I figure, why not tell her? It isn't common, but it is real and it is NOT (normally) a sign of some undetermined illness or past abuse. It's just the way we are.

If you tell her, would you let us know how it goes?

-GB

[ProdeFemme]

I think if you feel so inclined, then why not? Tell your therapist you've stumbled upon asexuality and can really identify with it.

But bear in mind, like the above posts touch on, telling people you're asexual can come with a price; not like you'll be endlessly persecuted, but there are naysayers, so you need to prepare yourself that you may need to defend being asexual with some people. That one's on the house ;)

Anyway welcome to Aven!

[Aasta]

Thanks for the welcome. I've actually been lurking around here for near enough a year but only just joined the forum.

My therapist is quite up-to-date so might be understanding, she seems pretty good so far except a couple of times she's mentioned sex and last week said she couldn't work out what I was from being in my company. I just think it might stop her wondering about me and allow her to get on with the therapy I need.

I find it crazy that anyone should really be worried about my sexual orientation, I'm not bothered about anyone elses so find it strange that anyone should with me

Would it be acceptable to give her a link to the asexual main website as if she doesn't understand she might take the time to read about it from there?

It's realy great to be here and something of a relief to finally be chatting with you.

Aasta

[Hammerhead]

Welcome Aasta,

Not knowing you’re asexual is probably common for older asexuals. I didn’t consider myself asexual until I found AVEN and that was at the age of 50 (I’m 54 now). Up until that time if you pressed me to label myself I would have said that I’m a ‘latent heterosexual’ meaning the potential was there. In the past I honestly thought I would someday find a girlfriend and get into a (sexual) relationship with her. Problem was that day never came. It always seemed that there were more important (and more interesting) things to do. Next thing I know I’m in my 50s.

Also, when I did find AVEN it wasn’t like a “AHA! I’m asexual!” eureka type of moment. The process took months. I happened to find a link to AVEN and checked it out initially just out of curiosity. I then kept coming back to read the articles and especially the forum posts. I kept finding similarities to what was posted and my life. Slowly I started to question ‘Am I asexual?’. When I finally realized I was asexual there was a sense of relief in that I now knew there wasn’t something wrong with me and especially that I wasn’t alone. But I have to admit I wasn’t exactly happy about it either.

As for telling your therapist I think others have answered the question well.

[Roy(Banned)]

Gay, straight or whatever. Does anyone think I should come out to her at our next meeting??

I wouldn't recommend it. People can behave very unusually when confronted with the concept of asexuality. Most seem to feel it is a threat to them, for some reason. You're opening yourself up to senseless aggression should you decide to tell anyone.

[KAGU143]

By all means, feel free to give your therapist the link to AVEN! Our primary purpose is to educate the public about asexuality. (Asexual Visibility and Education)

Another good link is APositive, at http://apositive.org/

APositive is more geared toward asexuals who are open-minded about sex, even if they don't participate, and it has a definite scientific leaning with a large collection of reference material.

-GB

[daveb]

Welcome and have some !

I don't think it is at all unusual for us older folks (I'm 52) to not know about asexuality and not realize we are asexual people until later in life. Asexuality never came up in any discussion about sexual orientation I ever came across. If you never hear of it how can you recognize it? Fortunately these days, with the internet, knowledge is easier to come by (you might have to weed through other stuff to get to it, but it's easier than per-internet days).

As for telling your therapist - if you think it might help, why not? If your therapist has a problem with it it might be time to find a different therapist. I've never been in therapy, but I would think if you can't tell your therapist something they're probably the wrong therapist for you. Maybe I don't know better though.

Whatever you decide, best wishes! :D

[Ziffler]

Hi,

This is sort of my introduction too. I'm an older asexual who has only just discovered the word and this forum. Is it usual to not actually realise about asexuality for an entire lifetime. I only got to thinking about what I was as I have a therapist who said she couldn't tell what I was. Gay, straight or whatever. Does anyone think I should come out to her at our next meeting??

I just feel it might answer her questions and stop her asking again.

Having said all that I also don't feel it's any of her business.

I'm quite confused at the moment as I have just thought I was fridged all my life and to finally find a word is something of a relief.

Aasta

No it's not unusal for you to just discover a label that fits. That is why I love AVEN the most. It allowed me to find out who I am and it provides a place for the younger generation to discover themselves long before they are old and grey like me.

As for your therapist? If that is the only reason you see her/him then tell them that you have found your answers and you won't need their services any longer. If you are seeing her/him for other thingsd as well, then maybe you want to tell just to get it out there. Maybe not also, because I am not sure a therapist believes there is anything other than sexual? I personally won't ever go to one. But I understand others that feel they need them.

But you said, you didn't feel like it was your therapists business to know? That sounds contray to why you go to a therapist? Isn't that why you go, to tell them all your private innermost business?

Just some thoughts. As for telling anyone about being asexual, that is totally your decision. Not anyone elses.

I personally don't announce it to everyone I meet. But it isn't a secret either. If they ask, then I tell them straight up, but I don't volunteer info either.