Misplaced anger with general perceptions of virginity

[mdchristopher]

If these two events had taken place further apart, I probably wouldn't be so pissed. Unfortunately, one comes on the heels of the other, and it seems too much like I'm getting a message from the world that my being a virgin will never be looked on as something other than unbelievable or narrow-minded.

The first was an episode of the show Supernatural which I finally got around to watching a few weeks after it aired. A character claimed that in order to perform a spell to save everyone's lives, a virgin was needed. To which one of the main characters exclaimed, "No one's a virgin!"

Now, for Dean that was perfectly in character, so I rolled my eyes but wasn't particularly bothered by it. Of course, the virgin in the room turned out to be the meek religious girl who protested that her virginity was a choice. Good, fine. Then came the part where they wanted to rip her heart out, and the 'good guys' come to her defense, but primarily, it seemed, because she was 'innocent' and in the words of Dean, 'We're not going to kill a girl who hasn't even gotten laid.'

But wait, that's not even my favorite part. While planning the big fight, our saintly virgin up on the roof proclaims, "If we survive this, I'm having so much sex."

Oh yeah, that's hilarious - and horribly predictable. Now, I know it's a stupid thing to be upset about, and I wasn't upset so much as sad. It seems like the popular view is that virginity is just the set up for a joke. Something that needs to be cured. I was fairly disappointed in such a narrow and cliched view from one of my favorite shows.

Now, I probably wouldn't have thought much more about it except that today I read an essay by a classmate in my non-fiction class which, aside from containing more about her sex life than I could have ever wanted to know, inferred that she was only a complete person once she'd entered into a sexual relationship. If she were stating this just as her personal experience, I wouldn't have even blinked, but from the tone of the piece (and perhaps unintentional), she makes it seem as if it's a fact. As if for my lack of 'experience' I am some how less of a person. There was more, but I can't articulate my point well enough, and as this was a class assignment I don't feel comfortable quoting.

It felt like a regression. Since accepting my asexuality, coming out to my mother and a few friends, and finding AVEN, I was feeling more confident. I felt like I could tell people that yes, I was in college and I was a virgin, and it wasn't something to feel embarrassed about. Now all of the sudden I'm feeling like a second-class citizen - and I'm worried that it will never change. That something I *am* is just one recycled joke or flaw to be fixed.

*exhales* Well, that feels a bit better. I needed to get that out there. I swear, these days I feel like writing anything and everything I can to make people aware of asexuality. I just don't have the time I need.

[BleedingThrough]

Today I was watching the show Tyra and there was a 24 year old virgin and everyone actaully applauded her so I was happy. :)

People seem to never feel complete unless they are in a relationship. I am fine being single. It's my friends and family members that seem to have an issue with it.

Hopefully when people hear more about asexuality they will understand that there are actually quite a few virgins out there.

[ily]

I swear, these days I feel like writing anything and everything I can to make people aware of asexuality.

You go, girl!

[AVENCakes]

It felt like a regression. Since accepting my asexuality, coming out to my mother and a few friends, and finding AVEN, I was feeling more confident. I felt like I could tell people that yes, I was in college and I was a virgin, and it wasn't something to feel embarrassed about. Now all of the sudden I'm feeling like a second-class citizen - and I'm worried that it will never change. That something I *am* is just one recycled joke or flaw to be fixed.

If you ever wanna feel good about your virginity, just track down that yahoo post that's basically a whole bunch of women saying how much they wish they were still virgins/they regretted their first time. Thankfully the many people that miss their V-cards seem to be more vocal than those who are so glad to be rid of 'em. (I'll see if I can find it if you're interested. might balance out the "being a virgin sucks!" vibe you seem to've been getting)

[cadmiumblimp]

Was it just women that regretted losing their virginity?

[Shortass Lady]

Today I was watching the show Tyra and there was a 24 year old virgin and everyone actaully applauded her so I was happy. :)

Even that is a bit annoying though because it is still placing a value judgement on virginity, good or bad. I'd rather that virginity wasn't scorned as if it was shameful OR applauded as if it was wonderful. Both reactions make it into a bigger deal than it maybe should be.

And virginlikeartemis: if people ridicule you for being a virgin, just roll your eyes and ignore them. If they're that idiotic, they're not worth your time. If anyone is a 'second-class citizen', it's jackasses like that. Real friends would accept you for how you are.

[AVENCakes]

Was it just women that regretted losing their virginity?

In that topic, I believe so. But it was just that one topic and it was asking why men didn't like her for being a virgin, so I doubt guys would come in and say "I regretted my first time" so much as "I do/don't agree with those guys, I do/don't like a girl to be a virgin". I've had at least one guy tell me he regretted it, and as I'm an introvert it doesn't come up much so I know it's not unheard of.

[bbctv]

i agree that virginity shouldn't be applauded, or scorned either way. people shouldn't editorialize on what other people do.

i'm male, and i've taken to being exceedingly blunt when the issue of sex comes up. i usually tell people that i think sex is lame and boring, and see no point. (then play the Socratic fool while someone tries to make me see one.) a phrase i commonly use to advance that idea is that sex just 'isn't my scene.'

the idea that sex- or a relationship- is NECESSARY to have lived a full life- well, what's a 'full life' is really up to the individual, not other people.

[absolveher]

Now, I probably wouldn't have thought much more about it except that today I read an essay by a classmate in my non-fiction class which, aside from containing more about her sex life than I could have ever wanted to know, inferred that she was only a complete person once she'd entered into a sexual relationship....

Similar experience. I had a friend of mine tell me that a two year long friendship I had that included romantic type feelings was nothing more than a childish flirtation because we didn't have sex. He said that I couldn't be too sad that it ended because of the lack of sexual activity. And to further his claim, he let me know that the girl he recently "totally" loved was basically true love because they, and I quote: "did pretty much everything" (sexually)- therefore he has more of a right to be sad than I ever will. They were together 2 months- he's already looking for someone to sleep with again.. because he just "needs it"... he totally gets what love is and should be about.. note the sarcasm.

I can't stand it when people decide that they are more mature, more in love, and in touch with other humans because they are having sex.

fyi- He knows I'm asexual.

ps. I'm new. Hi.

[AVENCakes]

Similar experience. I had a friend of mine tell me that a two year long friendship I had that included romantic type feelings was nothing more than a childish flirtation because we didn't have sex. He said that I couldn't be too sad that it ended because of the lack of sexual activity. And to further his claim, he let me know that the girl he recently "totally" loved was basically true love because they, and I quote: "did pretty much everything" (sexually)- therefore he has more of a right to be sad than I ever will. They were together 2 months- he's already looking for someone to sleep with again.. because he just "needs it"... he totally gets what love is and should be about.. note the sarcasm.

This is why I'm fully supportive of the chaste Hamlet/Ophelia thing. I'm sure it was the culture, but I hate that she can't be upset that her very close, dear friend has gone insane and killed her dad unless she slept with him. My teacher said this and if I wasn't drowned out by my class's agreement I would've been tempted to curse out all things sexual for his views. So, um, it's a really good thing I was drowned out.

It's like you don't love someone unless you %#$% them. And, of course, when (usually a girl) acts on this and their (usually boyfriend) dumps them right after he "got what he wanted", it only proves that love is now a meaningless word much as "like".

[bbctv]

Similar experience. I had a friend of mine tell me that a two year long friendship I had that included romantic type feelings was nothing more than a childish flirtation because we didn't have sex. He said that I couldn't be too sad that it ended because of the lack of sexual activity. And to further his claim, he let me know that the girl he recently "totally" loved was basically true love because they, and I quote: "did pretty much everything" (sexually)- therefore he has more of a right to be sad than I ever will. They were together 2 months- he's already looking for someone to sleep with again.. because he just "needs it"... he totally gets what love is and should be about.. note the sarcasm.

I can't stand it when people decide that they are more mature, more in love, and in touch with other humans because they are having sex.

fyi- He knows I'm asexual.

ps. I'm new. Hi.

if people give you sh** like that, tell them to stuff it up an orifice of your choice. i had somebody once quite a while back tell me a similar relationship i had wasn't serious since we hadn't done enough physically, which upset me a great deal, but people like that lose my respect instantly.

[genwiz314]

Yeah, I've noticed the strange change that the word "virginity" has taken over the years. In the early days, it was acutally seen as saintly or holy to be a virgin (at least until marriage). Now, in most magazines that have anything to do with relationships, I find people are less and less happy about potential partners being "pure".

I'd really like it if virginity was seen as just another step on the ladder, especially if it takes the heat of people who are virgins. I also have to agree that I absolutely hate the idea that one has to either have sex or be in a relationship to feel fullfilled. When I told my father I would be perfectly happy to die a single virgin, he said he felt sorry for me, that I wouldn't have someone "special" to share my "special" moments with.

I thought I was gonna gag.

I'm beginning to think romance that doesn't have sex attached, and romance at all for that matter, only happens in fiction or books. That's just the way society has made it seem to me.

[Spiffy Fox]

Thank you.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that gets pissed off by this kinda thing.