Does the feeling of something missing ever really go away?

[FrumpyFee]

I don't really know where to start with this. I want to apologise to everyone on here first as I know there's lots of complaining and negativity around allo ace relationships and I feel bad contributing to that but my word has been turned upside down in the last few months and I have no one I can really talk to in person about this who will understand it. I need to write this down and post it somewhere just to vent and get my thoughts in order if nothing else.

 

I've been with my partner for two years. We're both women and I love her more than I can really put into words. We just clicked pretty much since the moment we met and she's my best friend. We do pretty much everything together outside of work. We live together and we have a little kitten that we both love to bits. She's loving, caring and considerate in every other aspect of life and I want to put that up here because this post will likely just sound like me complaining about her. I really just need someone to tell me it can work out. 

 

Our sex life, or lack thereof, comes up as a topic of discussion once every few months, where we put plans into place to try and compromise then nothing changes. When we first got together she thought she had a low libido and we'd have sex once a week or so for the first six months. This was on the lower than I'd have liked but it was a compromise I was happy to make for her. After that it became once a month only when I'd initiate and I began to feel unwanted, leading to me initating less and we stopped having sex all together.

 

About a year ago this became too much for me. I brought up that I felt unwanted, pointed out the fact that we would not have sex unless I initiated and very gently floated the idea that she may be ace and I'd be okay with that. She claimed that she was not, that she was just busy and her adhd meant she just didn't think about sex and enjoyed it when we slept together. We both agreed to set couple time aside as maybe it was life stresses getting in the way and tried to set up a loose schedule for date nights so we could try and rekindle that intimacy. To be clear there was no sexual obligation involved, just date nights for dinner, movies etc as I thought that might be the issue. 

 

These conversations happened every few months with very little change and has been a point of friction in our relationship. She reassured me that she did want me and did enjoy sex and it was other factors causing issues. I've been through so many phases of overanalysing it. Maybe utd sexual trauma? Am I no longer physically attractive to her? Am I putting pressure on her? I hate to admit it but I've definitely developed some pretty unhealthy views around sexual desire over the past two years through the rejection and general disinterest. 

 

Well two weeks ago she came out as ace to me. Suddenly so much was put into perspective and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with that now. It's been a roller coaster of emotions from me being there for her coming out, to being angry that she didn't tell me sooner, to feeling upset that it might not work out, to overanalysing all the times we slept together and worrying she felt obligated. On the other side she's worried that if she told me we would have to separate. In the moment I told her we'll work through it but if I'm honest I feel like my world has been flipped upside down and at the same time I feel guilty for putting so much emphasis of my otherwise great relationship with my amazing partner on sex. 

 

Since then I've been reading lots on here from couples who have went through something similar and the options seem to boil down to compromise with some sex, open the relationship, no sex or seperate and to be frank they are all terrible options.

The open relationship is not something I'm comfortable doing, no sex isn't sustainable and I'm not comfortable with a sexual arrangement where she's only doing it for me. I want to feel wanted, not to be an obligation. 

 

We've been through the options and we're both at a loss, unsure how we move forward and make this work. I feel so guilty for putting so much weight on it and feeling like something is missing in our relationship.  It feels so selfish of me. I'm hoping by posting here that there's a couple out there who were in a similar boat and could possibly give us some advice on how to move forward. 

 

I'm sorry if anything in this post offends anyone or if I've been disrespectful. This was a bit of a rant and not all that well thought through.

 

 

 

 

[Liara]

I'm really sorry you're going through that. I know that feeling very well.

This feeling will never go away. I'm with my partner (we are 2 women too) for 25 years, with absolutely no sex since nearly the beginning. We didn't know about asexuality 25 years ago and when I discovered the word, some years later, she felt relieved. She had her answer. I had my sadness.

 

You already know the options. Sadly, there is nothing else. You want/need something she can't give you. You feel guilt because of that but your need are totally valid. Sex can be important for sexual people, that's how we feel and show love. That's how we connect with our partner. That's how we are wired, nothing wrong with that. And your partner is not wired like that and can't understand the importance of sex for you. Because for you, sex is not just sex, not just a physical thing but a lot more.

I can tell you things will no get better. This lack in your life will stay and make you crazy. She can't desire you, that's not her fault nor yours.

Don't make the same mistake than me. I can't leave now, too many years lost. My partner is my best friend but I don't love her romantically anymore. I can't. And I will have no second chance.

[FrumpyFee]

58 minutes ago, Liara said:

I'm really sorry you're going through that. I know that feeling very well.

This feeling will never go away. I'm with my partner (we are 2 women too) for 25 years, with absolutely no sex since nearly the beginning. We didn't know about asexuality 25 years ago and when I discovered the word, some years later, she felt relieved. She had her answer. I had my sadness.

 

You already know the options. Sadly, there is nothing else. You want/need something she can't give you. You feel guilt because of that but your need are totally valid. Sex can be important for sexual people, that's how we feel and show love. That's how we connect with our partner. That's how we are wired, nothing wrong with that. And your partner is not wired like that and can't understand the importance of sex for you. Because for you, sex is not just sex, not just a physical thing but a lot more.

I can tell you things will no get better. This lack in your life will stay and make you crazy. She can't desire you, that's not her fault nor yours.

Don't make the same mistake than me. I can't leave now, too many years lost. My partner is my best friend but I don't love her romantically anymore. I can't. And I will have no second chance.

Thank you for responding. I'm so sorry to hear that and it's really disheartening. I'm glad you two are still close after so long but that must be hard. 

 

You're right I do know the options. I think I'm just looking for some magical fix to avoid separating. It's a horrible situation to be in.

[Theoryal]

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.  This sounds a lot like my relationship except I'm the asexual one and it has been So Hard.  

 

I can kiiiind of understand the other side in that I am a very affectionate person, I just naturally reach out and touch in various ways to show I care, but my best friend is pretty touch averse.  It's so hard knowing that Not hugging her is the best way to show I care, when I want to hug her so much.  It's hard when you know in your head that someone loves you very much but they're not communicating it in the way that means most to you so you don't FEEL loved even though you Know you are.  It's weird and hard.  I've taken some very forced resentful hugs because I needed it so much I'd take anything, but it doesn't feel good in the heart.  With my friendship I can get affection elsewhere and it doesn't feel wrong, but it does still feel a bit sad that I can't give that affection where I'd really like to.   With a romantic relationship and sex though, it definitely doesn't feel right to just get sex somewhere else, especially as that somehow creates romantic feelings between people (at least for many people).   I have to admit though that it feels like the most absolute awfulest thing ever to feel like someone loves sex more than they love you as a whole person.  😭   I feel terrible for having made my friend feel like I love hugs more than I love her.   It is not easy to make loving sacrifices.  While it's true you can't completely ignore your own needs, I think our culture is often far too quick to encourage us to be selfish.  I know I don't want to contemplate having to do sex for the rest of my life, and yet isn't my husband and family stability worth even more sacrifice than that?  It is extremely hard indeed.   

 

I really appreciate hearing your perspective spoken with kindness and respect.  You are right that all the options look horrible.  I wish my husband agreed on that.  Unfortunately he seems to think an open relationship will solve all our problems and it is absolutely crushing my heart because to me romance by it's very nature is exclusive, it's saying you're my most treasured person, my most prioritized relationship.  I just can't see how anyone can believe it's not a raw deal to have your partner's attention, time, energy, etc. divided between you and someone else, it seems hard to get enough quality time when you are just focused on each other.  

 

Personally I've been struggling with why my husband can't understand that I do desire HIM, but I don't desire sex, that I think he is Attractive, but I have no desire to handle anybody's private parts.   I'm desperately hoping there is some way to communicate my adoration and passionate yearning for deep connection that he will truly feel it and understand it without it having to involve slimy bodily fluids and uncomfortable sensations for me.  I would gently ask you not to assume that lack of desire for sexual acts means a lack of desire for You as a Person (or even lack of desire for your body).  For me personally I absolutely want to be near my husband, want to touch in so many ways, to hold, caress, massage, tickle etc. everything except parts that are smelly/sweaty/slimy/gross in some way.  (I mean... think of it like you'd probably rather not put your finger up anyones nose, right?)  I desire deep emotional connection which can be felt in conversation and acts of kindness and any form of affection - can it not?  I do want closeness beyond regular friendship, despite not enjoying the sensations of sexual stimulation.  It's not a lack of passion, it's just passion communicated in different ways.  I don't know.... I was thinking last night maybe it's sort of like most people have a switch that operates a fireplace, but mine operates a jacuzzi and twinkle lights, you've still got heat and mood lighting, but different... ???  

 

If your partner is not sex repulsed, then compromise on some sex might be more plausible, I don't know.  I sincerely wish you both success in figuring this out, I hope you can find reconnection and healing somehow.  

[Liara]

40 minutes ago, FrumpyFee said:

Thank you for responding. I'm so sorry to hear that and it's really disheartening. I'm glad you two are still close after so long but that must be hard. 

 

You're right I do know the options. I think I'm just looking for some magical fix to avoid separating. It's a horrible situation to be in.

Sadly, there is no magical fix. Believe me, I searched for one for years. When two people are not compatible, that's it. Nobody's fault.

That doesn't mean it's impossible to find a way to make a mixed relationship work, some work well but it's not always possible.

[FrumpyFee]

4 hours ago, Theoryal said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.  This sounds a lot like my relationship except I'm the asexual one and it has been So Hard.  

 

I can kiiiind of understand the other side in that I am a very affectionate person, I just naturally reach out and touch in various ways to show I care, but my best friend is pretty touch averse.  It's so hard knowing that Not hugging her is the best way to show I care, when I want to hug her so much.  It's hard when you know in your head that someone loves you very much but they're not communicating it in the way that means most to you so you don't FEEL loved even though you Know you are.  It's weird and hard.  I've taken some very forced resentful hugs because I needed it so much I'd take anything, but it doesn't feel good in the heart.  With my friendship I can get affection elsewhere and it doesn't feel wrong, but it does still feel a bit sad that I can't give that affection where I'd really like to.   With a romantic relationship and sex though, it definitely doesn't feel right to just get sex somewhere else, especially as that somehow creates romantic feelings between people (at least for many people).   I have to admit though that it feels like the most absolute awfulest thing ever to feel like someone loves sex more than they love you as a whole person.  😭   I feel terrible for having made my friend feel like I love hugs more than I love her.   It is not easy to make loving sacrifices.  While it's true you can't completely ignore your own needs, I think our culture is often far too quick to encourage us to be selfish.  I know I don't want to contemplate having to do sex for the rest of my life, and yet isn't my husband and family stability worth even more sacrifice than that?  It is extremely hard indeed.   

 

I really appreciate hearing your perspective spoken with kindness and respect.  You are right that all the options look horrible.  I wish my husband agreed on that.  Unfortunately he seems to think an open relationship will solve all our problems and it is absolutely crushing my heart because to me romance by it's very nature is exclusive, it's saying you're my most treasured person, my most prioritized relationship.  I just can't see how anyone can believe it's not a raw deal to have your partner's attention, time, energy, etc. divided between you and someone else, it seems hard to get enough quality time when you are just focused on each other.  

 

Personally I've been struggling with why my husband can't understand that I do desire HIM, but I don't desire sex, that I think he is Attractive, but I have no desire to handle anybody's private parts.   I'm desperately hoping there is some way to communicate my adoration and passionate yearning for deep connection that he will truly feel it and understand it without it having to involve slimy bodily fluids and uncomfortable sensations for me.  I would gently ask you not to assume that lack of desire for sexual acts means a lack of desire for You as a Person (or even lack of desire for your body).  For me personally I absolutely want to be near my husband, want to touch in so many ways, to hold, caress, massage, tickle etc. everything except parts that are smelly/sweaty/slimy/gross in some way.  (I mean... think of it like you'd probably rather not put your finger up anyones nose, right?)  I desire deep emotional connection which can be felt in conversation and acts of kindness and any form of affection - can it not?  I do want closeness beyond regular friendship, despite not enjoying the sensations of sexual stimulation.  It's not a lack of passion, it's just passion communicated in different ways.  I don't know.... I was thinking last night maybe it's sort of like most people have a switch that operates a fireplace, but mine operates a jacuzzi and twinkle lights, you've still got heat and mood lighting, but different... ???  

 

If your partner is not sex repulsed, then compromise on some sex might be more plausible, I don't know.  I sincerely wish you both success in figuring this out, I hope you can find reconnection and healing somehow.  

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I think I understand to some degree. I know she's loves me and I know she finds me attractive. The doubt is just my own insecurity. 

 

I hope there is a way to make it work but I'm not sure how that compromise works yet. 

[Olallieberry]

Hi @FrumpyFee, all your thoughts and feelings around this are very familiar.

 

I struggled with the bit about making sex so important that it threatened my marriage. "Everything else is completely great, if we break up over this of all things, how shallow is that!?" Well, it's not shallow, it's deep. Sorry, wife, sorry, world.

 

My marriage will never have that thing that's missing. And speaking for myself, if I hadn't become able to occasionally meet that need outside the marriage, the marriage wouldn't survive. But it took something like a year and a half of working together, with radical vulnerability, to arrive at that. We didn't know at the beginning what it would take.

 

For a long time none of the "don't break up" options looked like they were going to work. We never spoke of it in those terms, there wasn't any manipulation of getting her to agree, we each did our own processing and recognition of how bad we wanted to stay together despite the weird, non-traditional, damn-what-anyone-else-thinks aspects of our marriage. Not that anyone knows, but one can't escape having that influence one's thinking.

 

Hang in there and leave no stone un-turned. You're just at the beginning of this. Don't underestimate the importance of processing grief.

[FrumpyFee]

41 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

Hi @FrumpyFee, all your thoughts and feelings around this are very familiar.

 

I struggled with the bit about making sex so important that it threatened my marriage. "Everything else is completely great, if we break up over this of all things, how shallow is that!?" Well, it's not shallow, it's deep. Sorry, wife, sorry, world.

 

My marriage will never have that thing that's missing. And speaking for myself, if I hadn't become able to occasionally meet that need outside the marriage, the marriage wouldn't survive. But it took something like a year and a half of working together, with radical vulnerability, to arrive at that. We didn't know at the beginning what it would take.

 

For a long time none of the "don't break up" options looked like they were going to work. We never spoke of it in those terms, there wasn't any manipulation of getting her to agree, we each did our own processing and recognition of how bad we wanted to stay together despite the weird, non-traditional, damn-what-anyone-else-thinks aspects of our marriage. Not that anyone knows, but one can't escape having that influence one's thinking.

 

Hang in there and leave no stone un-turned. You're just at the beginning of this. Don't underestimate the importance of processing grief.

Thank you. I'm glad you guys managed to find something that works for you both. So many stories I've read on here have left me feeling kind of hopeless so this is nice to read. 

[uhtred]

I'm sorry  you are in this situation. I'm afraid that for most people, including myself, the feeling of "something missing" never goes away. I think it depends on how people are "wired" but for some,  love, romance, sex, desire, are all sort of tied together.  I describe removing one of those, like removing 1/4 of the notes from a melody - it just doesn't work. 

 

Compromise may work if what matters is sex, but if what matters is desire, your partner can't give you that.   Open relationship might work - but only if you are able to enjoy sex with one person while loving another. Some people can, some cant. 

 

I've been in this situation for >30 years now, though I only recently discovered asexuality and understood what was going on. Like you I live my partner- but this is a huge gap.  In most cases I think its better to separate and each find someone with whom you are completely compatible

 

Its a really awful situation. Wish I know a way out. 

 

feel free to PM

[Sally]

16 hours ago, uhtred said:

Compromise may work if what matters is sex, but if what matters is desire, your partner can't give you that. 

That's the most important thing to realize.  No matter what the compromise is as far as actions are concerned, the feeling is not going to be there.  And I'm speaking as an asexual, who knows that feelings can't be manufactured.   

[jay williams]

On 5/8/2024 at 3:34 AM, Theoryal said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.  This sounds a lot like my relationship except I'm the asexual one and it has been So Hard.  

 

I would gently ask you not to assume that lack of desire for sexual acts means a lack of desire for You as a Person (or even lack of desire for your body).  For me personally I absolutely want to be near my husband, want to touch in so many ways, to hold, caress, massage, tickle etc. everything except parts that are smelly/sweaty/slimy/gross in some way.  (I mean... think of it like you'd probably rather not put your finger up anyones nose, right?)  I desire deep emotional connection which can be felt in conversation and acts of kindness and any form of affection - can it not?  I do want closeness beyond regular friendship, despite not enjoying the sensations of sexual stimulation.  It's not a lack of passion, it's just passion communicated in different ways.  I don't know.... I was thinking last night maybe it's sort of like most people have a switch that operates a fireplace, but mine operates a jacuzzi and twinkle lights, you've still got heat and mood lighting, but different... ???  

 

 

I find your message inspiring. Sorry that you and your mate experience sexual incompatibility. But the inspirational part of your message is that you are a passionate woman who loves it all, except the sexual activities. You are not alone, and there are others who feel that your tastes are delightfully natural! 

[Kl0408]

@FrumpyFee I joined last night and the subject line and post caught me by surprise. You put to words what I’ve been feeling but didn’t have the words for. Your experiences and feelings are almost identical to mine. I feel this soo deeply and wish you and your partner the best 🤍🤍🤍

 

I’ve been married for 7 years (I’m female, he’s male-both cis), husband put two and two together last year and came out as asexual/demisexual/bisexual which was helpful to make sense of our dating and marriage experiences but also hard, as you know. Making plans but nothing changing, always being the one to initiate, feeling burnt out of initiating and eventually giving up. All exactly what you said. Meanwhile having a great and super fulfilling relationship and thinking nothing is wrong… until I initiate sex or want to initiate it and feel selfish. Subtle comments from others about their relationships and sex life makes me realize how I actually do have sad feelings about it. It such a hard thing to experience and you’re right, most people don’t understand. My husband is only out to a handful of people and most aren’t a big part of our life currently so not a whole lot of support. For me it feels so isolating. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this deeply right now. Guess we’re not alone. Last night was a really hard night for us (afterI was around people commenting about sex which brought up a lot of feelings)and my husband told me about this so we joined. As i was reading things I felt like maybe this won’t work out. Maybe in 20 or 30 years I’ll regret staying and hiking out trying. But also, maybe i won’t.  We’re super hopeful for our relationship and don’t plan to ever separate or open our marriage. That doesn’t even seem like an option or good idea to us, though I know it saves some relationships. I think it can be done and I’m hopeful that you can figure it out too. There’s a lot of sad stories, but I think if you and your partner want to make it work, you can write your own story. Good luck 🤍🤍

[uhtred]

15 minutes ago, Kl0408 said:

@FrumpyFee I joined last night and the subject line and post caught me by surprise. You put to words what I’ve been feeling but didn’t have the words for. Your experiences and feelings are almost identical to mine. I feel this soo deeply and wish you and your partner the best 🤍🤍🤍

 

I’ve been married for 7 years (I’m female, he’s male-both cis), husband put two and two together last year and came out as asexual/demisexual/bisexual which was helpful to make sense of our dating and marriage experiences but also hard, as you know. Making plans but nothing changing, always being the one to initiate, feeling burnt out of initiating and eventually giving up. All exactly what you said. Meanwhile having a great and super fulfilling relationship and thinking nothing is wrong… until I initiate sex or want to initiate it and feel selfish. Subtle comments from others about their relationships and sex life makes me realize how I actually do have sad feelings about it. It such a hard thing to experience and you’re right, most people don’t understand. My husband is only out to a handful of people and most aren’t a big part of our life currently so not a whole lot of support. For me it feels so isolating. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this deeply right now. Guess we’re not alone. Last night was a really hard night for us (afterI was around people commenting about sex which brought up a lot of feelings)and my husband told me about this so we joined. As i was reading things I felt like maybe this won’t work out. Maybe in 20 or 30 years I’ll regret staying and hiking out trying. But also, maybe i won’t.  We’re super hopeful for our relationship and don’t plan to ever separate or open our marriage. That doesn’t even seem like an option or good idea to us, though I know it saves some relationships. I think it can be done and I’m hopeful that you can figure it out too. There’s a lot of sad stories, but I think if you and your partner want to make it work, you can write your own story. Good luck 🤍🤍

People are all different and what sort of relationship will make them happy can be very different.   IMHO the key is that if someone is unhappy they should act, or plan to act, to improve things.  The big mistake is waiting around and hoping things will get better on their own.

 

The isolation of living with someone who is asexual but hasn't told people is real. Seeing, or maybe just imagining, everyone around you having happy passionate sex lives is really difficult

[Mountain House]

27 minutes ago, uhtred said:

The isolation of living with someone who is asexual but hasn't told people is real. Seeing, or maybe just imagining, everyone around you having happy passionate sex lives is really difficult

Word!

[Liara]

Oh yes!!

[Olallieberry]

And what about the feeling that you can't even talk to anyone about your own situation because to do so would be to "out" your asexual partner.

[Mountain House]

So, went out for beers with a cousin. He and his wife have been empty nester for a couple years. It was the holidays and the kids are back in the house.

 

Him: it's been a week since we've had sex.

Me: oh, tough... <redirect>

[Liara]

A week. Ha ha ha. 

Try 25 years, dude! 😅

[uhtred]

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

And what about the feeling that you can't even talk to anyone about your own situation because to do so would be to "out" your asexual partner.

Yes, that too.   Especially if people occasionally make hints about what a wonderful "romantic" vacation you must have had.   (Me doing work emails, wife on facebook as the sun set over a pacific island....)