differences between platonic and romantic attraction?

[theonewithbooks]

Hi everybody, I was wondering what the differences are between platonic and romantic attraction. I am suspecting I experienced romantic attraction at one point of my life, but I also think it could've just been platonic feelings and that I simply really liked talking to the other person. Please let me know your thoughts!

[Aziraphalebutahuman]

I think romance is different for everyone. For me I would get butterflies, blush when they complimented me, and even want to give them a little kiss to show my affection, etc. I couldn’t help but smile when I thought about them and loved spending time with them. That is just my experience however.
 

Romance is often defined as a feeling stronger than friendship, however, there are some who experience platonic attraction very strongly which is why queerplatonic relationships exist. Basically it all depends on how you want to define it.

[Eutierria]

16 minutes ago, thegirlwithbooks said:

what the differences are between platonic and romantic attraction

In the event words help you categorise your thoughts - 

 

Squish = Want to be friends (Platonic attraction).

 

Crush = Want to be in a relationship with (Romantic attraction). 

 

Mesh = Somewhere in-between the two (Alterous attraction). 

 

Everyone is different. For myself, platonic attraction means I like someone enough to want to be friends with them. Romantic attraction means I've known someone long enough to want to experiment with this person to see if we could build a relationship together. 

[Frendo]

I think romantic attraction is more of a feeling you associate with someone and they are usually more pronounced than feelings with someone you are just friends with. You also want to spend more time with them(hormones are going into overdrive and you are addicted to them) and are deeply interested in them

[CaittMarr]

This is something I struggle with as someone who has experienced squish before. I feel like it can be described slightly differently for everyone. For me, how I tell it's not a romantic feeling and just squish is that I don't want more from them. I just wanted to be close in the sense of wanting to hang out and talk a lot. I don't want to kiss them; I don't crave their affection or physical closeness. I just want to be best buds. I have never gotten a butterfly filling or imagined kissing the people I have had squishes for. I just want to be their number-one best friend.

 

Honestly, when I say squishes I mean one squish because I have only have had one experience where I thought maybe I had crush. I honestly just thought it over like this and realized I didn't have a crush, I just wanted it to be a crush so bad. I was in high school and I was like finally I did it. Then I was describing it to a friend about it and she was like "that is not what a crush is at all", and I was like dang you caught me. 

[Monke Jimmy]

If I had to explain it, I would say that platonic feelings feel like sitting in a comfy chair. Romantic feelings feel like sitting in a comfy chair, but you're also holding a sleeping kitten, and you love your little tiny sleeping kitten. 

I hope that helps. It probably doesn't but I hope. 

[Lilihierax]

It's a complex question and I am lazy so I'll copy and paste my answer from another thread.

 

Theorizing about allo-romantic people, I said:  "There are things they would only feel comfortable doing with someone they saw as their romantic partner, rather than merely their friend.  That would be one way they might separate the difference.  As an aromantic, I have different levels of friendship - Knowing people who I'm friendly with; my inner circle of friends; then a super close best best friend (a ride-or-die, as I like to say).  Then above that, probably would be a (hypothetical) queer-platonic partner.  So I can relate to the idea of distinguishing between a friend and something else.  Observing and talking to non-aro people I know has been very helpful to notice the difference between me and them."

 

"[...] the social/cultural idea of romance is just "blegh" to me.  The dates, the cutsie talk and pet names, the kissing, Valentine's Day... Not my thing."

 

- These things I listed above are typically 'romantic' in nature, but it depends if you perceive it or want it to be romantic.

You could simplify it down to saying that a romantic act is romantic if you intend it to be. That's vague, I know, but the idea of romance is heavily based upon culture and even the media - to the point where it's kind of a construct.  Kissing, for example. Some people would only want to kiss a romantic partner of theirs, because kissing to them is strictly romantic.  For another person, they would happily kiss someone they consider purely as a friend, or a queer-platonic partner. There are romantic kisses, and friendly kisses. Even family kisses.  It depends on: does it feel romantic to you? Is that what you would be trying to communicate with your person of interest? Would you want to be known as a 'romantic couple'?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I often say that it depends how intimate the connection is with someone. There's levels of intimacy I wouldn't do or want with friends. If I do then it starts to border on romantic feelings.

[Happyhobbitlife]

On 4/7/2024 at 12:05 AM, CaittMarr said:

I just wanted it to be a crush so bad ... Then I was describing it to a friend about it and she was like "that is not what a crush is at all", and I was like dang you caught me. 

This! As someone who's had less than a handful of romantic attraction and only once lasting any real length of time, this is exactly how I felt for ANYONE who I was really close to or thought was great. I was so desperate for it to be a crush that I convinced myself it was.

Only now in a romantic relationship can I tell the difference, before it had always been so fleeting and ethemeral. Nothing substantial like others seem to feel so frequently (especially when they are teenagers)

[CaittMarr]

10 hours ago, Happyhobbitlife said:

This! As someone who's had less than a handful of romantic attraction and only once lasting any real length of time, this is exactly how I felt for ANYONE who I was really close to or thought was great. I was so desperate for it to be a crush that I convinced myself it was.

Only now in a romantic relationship can I tell the difference, before it had always been so fleeting and ethemeral. Nothing substantial like others seem to feel so frequently (especially when they are teenagers)

hahah yes! It was just to feel like I was checking off something off. Like yes, I am "normal". It was so fleeting and I think cared more about my friends knowing that I had a "crush" then actual person it was about. I just thought they were so cool and wanted to get them know them deeply. 

[Happyhobbitlife]

1 hour ago, CaittMarr said:

hahah yes! It was just to feel like I was checking off something off. Like yes, I am "normal". It was so fleeting and I think cared more about my friends knowing that I had a "crush" then actual person it was about. I just thought they were so cool and wanted to get them know them deeply. 

Totally with you there. My wife is Pansexual (allo) and to her when she was first discovering that she liked women it was "do I want to date them or be them?" - For me it was like that for all the people 😂

I've learnt as an adult it's for me always been "be them" or "be close with them" (except in my wife's case) as genuine sexual/romantic attraction is SO different it's actually wild. Like people go round feeling this way about random people?????

[suzza]

I was going to post a thread like this but maybe it is best just to post this as a comment. I think that I'm aromantic.  I've realized that the way that I feel about friends is what most people reserve for romance. Yet, I don't desire a partner in that way. 

 

When I was in college my female friends would ask me to take them on dates. And sometimes there would be kissing.  It was never sexual for me. More of a way of showing my affection for them. These girls were never my partners. I wasn't looking for that and it doesn't interest me much. Thinking back these are my happiest relationships.  

 

I don't know if I want to be romantic with everyone or if this is my default for friendship.