Am I aro? What do I do about it?

[pinpin]

Ok so, this will probably be a long one so thank you to anyone who reads it but no pressure to.

 

I haven’t come out or anything but I’m fairly sure I’m ace at this point. That, I’ve been thinking about for a while. More recently, I’ve started to wonder whether I’m aro as well and it would be great if anyone could offer their opinion. I think this is going to be a bit of a long ramble though so sorry about that. I haven't really talked to anyone about this yet.

 

Growing up, I never had crushes or anything and never felt the need to pursue a romantic or sexual relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt butterflies? Excited/nervous yes but butterflies, I’m not sure. I had some great friends who I love a lot and I’m from an incredibly close family. I love them more than life itself and am incredibly lucky in those relationships, so I know that, subconsciously, anything more would be fighting to compare. I really miss all those people when I’m away at uni.

 

There were some times that I’d try to convince myself that I had a crush, but I know I never actually did. And there were two incredibly short relationships (length counted in days) that I thought I wanted before they started and then immediately panicked about and regretted. I thought I just wasn’t ready and that I needed to know the person better.

 

But I always thought I did want a romantic relationship. I always pictured getting married, having kids, most importantly, having a family like the one I grew up with. I want that closeness and that love. I think if I grew old without getting married, what I’d miss would be family more than marriage, if that makes sense.

 

Come to now. I’m in uni and sharing a house with some friends. One of them I never thought of as anything but a friend last year when he was in a relationship. However, since we started living together in September we’ve started cuddling on the sofa more, holding hands, and it was lovely. Apparently our friends thought we’d been dating for months and just hadn’t told them. I’m very touchy-feely at home and miss that at uni but didn’t really have anyone I was comfortable hugging like that so I did wonder whether all I was actually feeling for him was a close platonic relationship and appreciation for the touch but I thought it was more. Everyone always says that the best relationships come from close friendships. So I leant into it and it organically developed into a relationship and at first I was so happy. 

 

I obviously really like him as a person, and he is a GOOD person. I told him I was probably ace (I had to explain what it meant) and he was great about it. I have anxiety and a couple of other things going on and he’s always kind and caring, to a point where I feel like it’s imbalanced because he has his life together a lot better than me. That’s a separate thing though. 

 

Anyway, first date I thought was wonderful. I thought it could be something really good but then, since it’s become explicitly romantic, I’ve started to find him touching me uncomfortable. Holding hands I’m find with but him putting his arm around my shoulder or waist, stroking my arm, I just find myself wanting to move away, and I shouldn’t. I love hugs and cuddles, with my friends and family back home I am constantly leaning on someone. I find myself actually looking to avoid him because of the pressure to interact (I’m not a very extraverted person). I’m not sure I’ll ever want to kiss him.

 

However, I’m a notorious overthinker and there’s also the chance that, because all this is incredibly new for me, I’m panicking and just want to run. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish the irrational worries from the genuine concerns, you know?

 

I feel awful because I don’t know how much of this he’s noticed, I don’t want to lead him on but don’t know if I am actually aro, and I don’t know how to explain it without hurting him (no one needs to hear that someone they like might never want to kiss them, especially after they were told it was reciprocated). I’m terrified of hurting him. I’m incredibly scared and confused, and everytime I start thinking about it I start crying, badly, including in the middle of a concert, which he has noticed. 

 

I want to want this. Irrespective of sex, romantic relationships seem lovely and, beyond feeling like I’m meant to want them, I want to want to. I’m just not sure if I do or not. If I don’t, does that just mean that I never get to experience this wonderful thing that humanity has been making art about for thousands of years? I don’t want to be alone or not have a family. This kind of applies to sex to. Theoretically, I can see why people like it but when I think about doing it myself I either feel nothing or kind of itchy. It doesn’t feel like it comes naturally to me?

 

Three times is a pattern so it’s starting to feel like I can never trust anything I might interpret as romantic feelings because this always happens. I’m scared if this doesn’t work out, I might never be able to bring myself to try again in case we all just end up hurt again. But what if I’m not aromantic and this is actually something I want but I just run away before I can get comfortable? What if I’m just not close enough to him yet? I’m worried about our friendship surviving and starting to regret even doing anything with him because of the position it’s put us in. I hate this. 

 

I’m only 19 so I know I’ve got time to figure this out but I’m scared and also don’t know what to do about my relationship with him. He deserves better than me screwing him over because I don’t understand myself. 

 

It’s also worth mentioning, at times I am perfectly happy with him, but at a similar level as I am with other friends?

 

Anyway, in conclusion, I don’t know what to do and I’d love it if anyone had any advice or related to any of this. I’m sorry if any of it doesn’t make sense; I can’t bring myself to reread it. Thank you for letting me vent to you

[Frendo]

I can't give you a straight answer, but to me, honestly, you're experiences align with that of an aro(no crushes, not understanding romantic attraction, etc,). My suggestion is to just talk to him and be honest. Especially if you are feeling uncomfortable you shouldn't expect yourself to put up with it forever or until your partner starts to feel/realize that you don't feel the same. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@pinpinhi again. I'll share my thoughts.
There are some romantic aces who haven't really had crushes, so I don't think it's too important to focus on. And I don't really know what people mean by butterflies (and I'm romantic). But I think the excited or nervous energy is sorta the same thing.

 

When  you say you wanted that closeness and that love, and putting aside kids, would you want to feel connected that way to a partner? as in an intimate bond that you'd have beyond friendship? I think that can be very telling, even if it still takes to want that with actually a person that you'd feel what with, feeling good with. I think it's important to feel good and comfortable with someone, which can be hard especially if or when we have insecurities. I know it took me to feel comfy with someone before I didn't feel nervousness and stuff, and I guess it's still possible for me to feel that.

 

Unfortunately it's hard to tell in this case if it's about that you don't feel romantic feelings for him or if nervousness of intimacy is getting in the way. It could be that you don't feel more than platonic feelings and so more intimate acts are too intimate for the connection you feel a pull to have with him, I don't know. Or is it moving too fast? Relationships with people who were our friends can be amazing but we also had a platonic bond with them so it can feel weird to move from the image we had of them, I've certainly felt some things around that anyway.
But something I should add is even if you wouldn't have romantic feelings for him, doesn't mean you'd be aromantic, since it's normal not to necessarily have feelings for someone. But if you think you'd never have feelings for anyone to have a more intimate connection together (than friends would) then that makes sense for being aro. I know it can be hard though when you can have some ideas in mind but in reality you don't feel the same.

Maybe what you could do for now is just say that things might be moving too fast for you and you're still trying to understand what relationships mean to you, or whatever feels better to you, just to have a bit more space to figure things out, and at the same time you don't have to jump to a big decision before youre more sure.

Really in the end I think that someone would feel ok with how they are, and that if they want romantic connections and feelings then they can. If you were aro, I think the division would be coming from just 'thinking' you want something when really you don't, if that makes sense. I'm  not saying someone can't be at odds with themselves naturally, but I do think most of the time we feel happier when we're ourselves.

Feel free to share more thoughts.

[pinpin]

16 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

@pinpinhi again.

Hi @Sarah-Sylvia, thanks for replying! Nice to hear from you again

 

16 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

When  you say you wanted that closeness and that love, and putting aside kids, would you want to feel connected that way to a partner? as in an intimate bond that you'd have beyond friendship?

When I really think about it, I think what I'd want from a person or people to share my life with would be:

- someone I know incredibly well and who knows me

- someone I can easily talk with

- someone I can laugh with

- someone who I can happily hug and vice versa, but where there's no pressure to

- someone I can be comfortable in silence with.

 

I realise now, these are all things I prize in my relationships with my sisters. I'm probably happiest when I'm with them. 

 

16 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Or is it moving too fast?

I don't think we're really moving that quickly, and he's been incredibly respectful and listened the times when I've said that I need to not be touched.

 

16 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

But if you think you'd never have feelings for anyone to have a more intimate connection together (than friends would) then that makes sense for being aro. I know it can be hard though when you can have some ideas in mind but in reality you don't feel the same.

This feels like it makes sense? The are times when I can convince myself that maybe it's heading somewhere good but I'm still so uncertain. It's just frustrating because I thought I did everything right but I'm still not feeling like I should.

 

16 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Maybe what you could do for now is just say that things might be moving too fast for you and you're still trying to understand what relationships mean to you, or whatever feels better to you, just to have a bit more space to figure things out, and at the same time you don't have to jump to a big decision before youre more sure.

I'm worried about leading him on or being dishonest, knowingly or not.

 

16 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

If you were aro, I think the division would be coming from just 'thinking' you want something when really you don't, if that makes sense. I'm  not saying someone can't be at odds with themselves naturally, but I do think most of the time we feel happier when we're ourselves.

Feel free to share more thoughts.

That makes sense, I guess I just need to do a lot of thinking. Thank you so much for your advice and thoughts, they've been really helpful. Hope you're well ❤️

[Sarah-Sylvia]

16 minutes ago, pinpin said:

That makes sense, I guess I just need to do a lot of thinking. Thank you so much for your advice and thoughts, they've been really helpful. Hope you're well ❤️

Thanks, I hope things can make more sense with time, and feel free to talk on the forum as you feel <3.

 

17 minutes ago, pinpin said:

I'm worried about leading him on or being dishonest, knowingly or not.

I think there's nothing wrong with saying you're still trying to understand yourself and not sure on things. I don't know if that feels good to you but I guess try to do your best to be true to yourself especially to yourself.

 

19 minutes ago, pinpin said:

When I really think about it, I think what I'd want from a person or people to share my life with would be:

- someone I know incredibly well and who knows me

- someone I can easily talk with

- someone I can laugh with

- someone who I can happily hug and vice versa, but where there's no pressure to

- someone I can be comfortable in silence with.

 

I realise now, these are all things I prize in my relationships with my sisters. I'm probably happiest when I'm with them. 

I think that's interesting and I guess the question is, would that be 'all' you want. Could you see yourself loving someone in a way where you want to share deeper intimacy too on top of that? Ideally someone can feel those things with a partner, the best relationships can feel easeful as well, but since the things you mentioned could be with friends (or with family like you said), it's good to ask yourself if you could feel like wanting more with someone as well. (an even more intimate bond)

Assuming you can like someone in that way.

 

Definitely take your time, and try to be easy on yourself 💮

[pinpin]

5 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Thanks, I hope things can make more sense with time, and feel free to talk on the forum as you feel <3.

Thank you for being so kind!

 

6 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I think there's nothing wrong with saying you're still trying to understand yourself and not sure on things. I don't know if that feels good to you but I guess try to do your best to be true to yourself especially to yourself.

I definitely need to talk to him.

 

7 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I think that's interesting and I guess the question is, would that be 'all' you want. Could you see yourself loving someone in a way where you want to share deeper intimacy too on top of that?

I think probably not? I don't think I feel any kind of longing for anything more than that, definitely not the way I long for close friendship. I always figured that if it happened then it would be nice but then any time I get close to more, I get freaked out.

 

9 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Definitely take your time, and try to be easy on yourself 💮

Thank you for all your help, take of yourself too ❤️

[Sarah-Sylvia]

16 minutes ago, pinpin said:

Thank you for being so kind!

 

I definitely need to talk to him.

 

I think probably not? I don't think I feel any kind of longing for anything more than that, definitely not the way I long for close friendship. I always figured that if it happened then it would be nice but then any time I get close to more, I get freaked out.

 

Thank you for all your help, take of yourself too ❤️

It does sound along the lines of being on the aromantic spectrum in some way. I can see how that would make it hard to know what to do with the relationship but yeah it's important to talk together.

 

Thanks for being sweet back. I hope things go well with you.

[pinpin]

55 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It does sound along the lines of being on the aromantic spectrum in some way. I can see how that would make it hard to know what to do with the relationship but yeah it's important to talk together.

 

Thanks for being sweet back. I hope things go well with you.

Thank you! ❤️

[Picklethewickle]

11 hours ago, pinpin said:

When I really think about it, I think what I'd want from a person or people to share my life with would be:

- someone I know incredibly well and who knows me

- someone I can easily talk with

- someone I can laugh with

- someone who I can happily hug and vice versa, but where there's no pressure to

- someone I can be comfortable in silence with.

This sounds like a queer-platonic relationship, one which you have the freedom to define for yourself. Partnered relationships don't necessarily have to be romantic.