OCD and asexuality

[lassitude]

Hey... sorry this is sorta a vent.

 

So I've been having this issue™ with myself for the past few months. I'm female, in my 30s, identify as asexual, diagnosed with OCD, and have never had sex. I've had romantic relationships but never had that urge to go further. I've made out with a guy or two and have had curiosity regarding sex, but have never initiated or had the opportunity to try. Nor do I truly really... want to... like I think if sex wasn't something I unconsciously consider a "rite of passage" I would just never even feel like I have to someday. But that's another issue.

 

What's been bugging me is that I have an overseas friend that I find attractive (physically, I guess? I like how he looks). I know he finds me attractive - he's been pretty vocal about that - and while I told him I'm asexual, I still was entertaining the idea of trying sex with him, bc he's handsome and I knew he'd be down. I've since sorta shied away from that idea, such as making plans to hang out with him outside of his hotel room, so that I'm not "tempted". I'm also second guessing myself, like "Oh, I think he's very handsome... I might want to kiss him. Does that mean I'm not aseuxal?" Like, I'm hanging with this guy tomorrow (again, outside of the hotel!!!) and I'm actually not excited. I'm lamenting it because of these thoughts putting a damper on everything. Like I'd rather just not see him because then I won't be "tempted" by the thoughts or whatever. 

 

However, as someone with OCD who has struggled with intrusive thoughts all my life, this whole thought pattern actually rings familiar. "What if I'm alone in a room and I want to kiss him? I won't be able to stop myself from having sex, will I?" and I get terrified. It's in my head like an intrusive thought, something I am dreading, something that makes me afraid. Like I'll be unable to stop, despite that never happening before. Even though I've made out with a person before, I've sort of felt the whole "wow they like me!!" aspect of it, never like the urge to touch them further. 

 

Regardless, I was wondering if anyone else has OCD and is asexual, and might be having these sorts of thoughts? I know there's "sexual orientation" intrusive thoughts, so I'm wondering if this is just a rare case of... me being comfortable being asexual, and having thoughts where I doubt that. Like "I know I'm ace -- oh god, what if I actually secretly want to have sex and will want to, despite never wanting to before??" It's so stupid, like I actively know this is OCD, but I am still seeking reassurance in my identity regardless.

[Network_Apparition]

I can't speak about OCD experiences, but maybe try setting limits with him about kissing? Like maybe have a conversation where you let him know that you've reconsidered having sex, but you would be okay to kiss him in public? My thinking is that if its in public, like at a cafe, then there wont be any expectations to take it further in that moment. If you can set a limit like that, then it might be helpful. But if you feel like at any moment it could go further than you want it to, maybe don't interact with him physically at all (and definitely don't enter his hotel room) and just let him know that your nerves are getting in the way. Also plan a list of alternatives that yall can do together to hang out.

And even if you do decide to engage with sex, you can still say "no" at any time. Also, have a safety plan with a local person you trust. 

Just be clear about what you want before you meet up.