Various anxieties about moving out again (sterilisation, grey-ace, partly sex repulsed, kink, autism, CW sexual assault, CW politics)

[RandomAce8701]

Has anyone sex repulsed had a vasectomy? Did it make life easier or harder? (I identify as grey)

 

I had kind of decided to go ahead with it but as usual doubts and anxieties creep in now that it is looking potentially a little more urgent.

 

I'm repulsed by most forms of sex, but I'm not sure I can separate that from my firm belief that I don't want children. There is a yuck factor, but the possibility of pregnancy is probably the main issue for me for vaginal sex. And maybe my attitude to risk is different to other people's.

 

Spoiler

Anal (even pegging) it's the yuck factor, and some technical worries. And oral, just don't go there. My gender preference is somewhat uncertain, leaning towards opposite sex but only if I'm confident it won't require vaginal intercourse; so in practice it's sometimes trans women.

 

Also, I've always envisaged sex as part of kink, at least to start with. Maybe there are some unresolved issues there.

 

Anyway, I don't think the yuck factor is the whole story.

 

On the upside, at 43 I'm getting to the point where abnormalities increase significantly, which might be a justification acceptable to doctors. On the whole I'm assuming I can get it done privately without too much difficulty.

 

Pre-pandemic I explored the kink community a bit, partly to find a compromise that might work for a relationship, partly to put some issues around kink to bed. But then the pandemic hit, work went remote, I moved back in with my parents, and that actually solved a lot of anxiety problems for a while. But I'm probably going to have to move out again. I'll need to figure out just how much social I actually need, and whether I actually want to live on my own permanently. Calibrating that is hard, and it likely means experimenting with more socializing. And given some of my anxieties around kink, asexual spectrum, autistic masking etc I may need to address that at the same time as any other hobbies.

 

I probably won't go to dungeons now given Covid; at the time I assumed dungeons were safer than kinky dating, but even if that was ever true (maybe it is given my considerable privilege), Covid changes it. As it is now, if my (hypothetical) partner wants physical intimacy, I'd probably be looking at hugs, kink, and non-penetrative sex. And the needs of any partner would be an immediate anxiety as well as a long-term issue. I'm not sure I have the social skills to juggle a poly relationship either.

 

Even as a man, being an autistic on the asexual spectrum puts me at higher risk of sexual assault. Some of my kink interests increase the risk further, especially if my answer to "this is our fifth date..." is "please tie me up and hug me". While sexual assault mostly happens to women, bad things can happen to men too; misunderstandings, fawning response in stressful situations and possibly amidst autistic masking, and outright consent violations are a real risk. The main one being forced fatherhood, as with "sperm theft" (strangely not illegal here, even though "stealthing" is considered rape). So sterilization reduces *some* of the risks. Others can hopefully be managed.

 

Sex will still be yucky if I know I'm infertile. But the yuck factor actually seems to be pretty malleable in other contexts. I'll still have questions around other forms of penetration. But it potentially makes future relationships easier - assuming they don't want kids - and reduces some of the risks - obviously not all of them.

 

Anyway, any relevant experience would be interesting. I didn't want to post this on the other threads re sterilisation since there are a few differences, but I've read the most recent ones. Thanks!

 

PS This thread is getting a bit messy. 😐 Maybe it conflates too many different anxieties to be much use for other people? Feel free to delete it. Unfortunately life is one big intersectional mess.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

This is quite the post.

Just wondering, why do you want to have sex, especially if you find it icky?

Only you can know what you want. I know you're having trouble with your worries but you can use protection too.

[RandomAce8701]

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

This is quite the post.

Just wondering, why do you want to have sex, especially if you find it icky?

Only you can know what you want. I know you're having trouble with your worries but you can use protection too.

Yeah. There are a bunch of issues, mostly mixed up with anxiety. I was going to delete it, but thanks!

 

While I've claimed "grey asexual" for a few years now, there may still be some "am I a broken horse or a healthy zebra?".

 

Mostly it comes down to whether I'm prepared to live on my own long term, and what the alternatives are. Last time it led to an anxiety crisis that was only really resolved by the pandemic. But I'll have to move out again for another job, and in any case my parents won't outlive me. But perhaps that is circular logic given some of the issues in the last major anxiety crisis!

 

I used to think that kink might offer possibilities for compromise relationships. And certainly I have some leanings that way. But dating as a kinky penetration repulsed autistic grey asexual is risky, even as a man. Especially as a bottom/switch.

 

"You can never really trust anyone, you can only have a contingency plan." A counselor once said this, justifying it with the statistic that half of "monogamous" people cheat. I doubt my ability to judge people's character on the basis of a few dates, and a (male, autistic) friend had issues with coercive control, so abusers exist of all kinds. Ultimately you don't know whether people will violate your trust until you trust them enough that it gives them the opportunity. And maybe not even then.

 

Misunderstandings are inevitable. And the contingency plans for "oh, I just assumed that meant sex" and "I'm pregnant" are not things I want to have to deal with. There is no conceivable contraception that I'd consider acceptable for sex on a fifth date (whether I actually intended to have penetrative sex or not) - except sterilization (and an STI screen).

 

So I guess I have the answer. Don't worry about it for now, if I move out and conclude that I want to date, at least I have the option of a simple and relatively cheap operation that solves the problem.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

28 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Yeah. There are a bunch of issues, mostly mixed up with anxiety. I was going to delete it, but thanks!

 

While I've claimed "grey asexual" for a few years now, there may still be some "am I a broken horse or a healthy zebra?".

 

Mostly it comes down to whether I'm prepared to live on my own long term, and what the alternatives are. Last time it led to an anxiety crisis that was only really resolved by the pandemic. But I'll have to move out again for another job, and in any case my parents won't outlive me. But perhaps that is circular logic given some of the issues in the last major anxiety crisis!

 

I used to think that kink might offer possibilities for compromise relationships. And certainly I have some leanings that way. But dating as a kinky penetration repulsed autistic grey asexual is risky, even as a man. Especially as a bottom/switch.

 

"You can never really trust anyone, you can only have a contingency plan." A counselor once said this, justifying it with the statistic that half of "monogamous" people cheat. I doubt my ability to judge people's character on the basis of a few dates, and a (male, autistic) friend had issues with coercive control, so abusers exist of all kinds. Ultimately you don't know whether people will violate your trust until you trust them enough that it gives them the opportunity. And maybe not even then.

 

Misunderstandings are inevitable. And the contingency plans for "oh, I just assumed that meant sex" and "I'm pregnant" are not things I want to have to deal with. There is no conceivable contraception that I'd consider acceptable for sex on a fifth date (whether I actually intended to have penetrative sex or not) - except sterilization (and an STI screen).

 

So I guess I have the answer. Don't worry about it for now, if I move out and conclude that I want to date, at least I have the option of a simple and relatively cheap operation that solves the problem.

It's a lot of thinking about scenarios xD. You don't know where things will go, but if you don't think you'll ever want genetic children then yeah sure, it's your body so you can do the operation. I think you should take time to think on it and not just come from worry, since big decisions deserve more than that, but that said if it's not a big deal or you think eventually you'd be fine with adoption then it might not be a big decision for you, I don't know.

I feel like there's more going on than just that, and I wonder if you currently have access to a therapist that coud help sort some things out, but just to share a few thoughts, unless you have a sexual appetite and urge for quick sex, which I'm not sure you would, then you don't need to have quick sex with someone or dungeons. I don't see how that would be worth it if you're worried, unless you've come to know them and trust them. You shouldn't be with someone you don't feel good with anyway. Also I would think kinky sex stuff would be secondary in your case, because if you're holding on to your concerns, for the same reasons. As in it would be better to get to know people and 'then' when you know each other and whether or not it'd be compatible sexually, to see what's possible.

Along those lines, I'm not sure why there's so much emphasis on sex as someone gray-ace, when romance would usually be the first thing to focus on, and sex and kinks would come later. I would think there's less chance to be compatible if the focus is on sex or kinks first, especially if you're repulsed to some degree. I didn't quite understand the aspects of not using protection by the 5th date either. I'm not sure also why contraception would be unacceptable? That's more about my curiousity, since I'm curious what you meant.

 

Really, the most important, I think, would be to focus on what's most important to you in a relationship. Maybe kinks are very important to you though, I wouldn't know. But often kinky people are sexual too. I guess it depends where you meet.

[RandomAce8701]

1 minute ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's a lot of thinking about scenarios xD. You don't know where things will go, but if you don't think you'll ever want genetic children then yeah sure, it's your body so you can do the operation. I think you should take time to think on it and not just come from worry, since big decisions deserve more than that, but that said if it's not a big deal or you think eventually you'd be fine with adoption then it might not be a big decision for you, I don't know.

I feel like there's more going on than just that, and I wonder if you currently have access to a therapist that coud help sort some things out, but just to share a few thoughts, unless you have a sexual appetite and urge for quick sex, which I'm not sure you would, then you don't need to have quick sex with someone or dungeons. I don't see how that would be worth it if you're worried, unless you've come to know them and trust them. You shouldn't be with someone you don't feel good with anyway. Also I would think kinky sex stuff would be secondary in your case, because if you're holding on to your concerns, for the same reasons. As in it would be better to get to know people and 'then' when you know each other and whether or not it'd be compatible sexually, to see what's possible.

Along those lines, I'm not sure why there's so much emphasis on sex as someone gray-ace, when romance would usually be the first thing to focus on, and sex and kinks would come later. I would think there's less change to be compatible if the focus is on sex or kinks first, especially if you're repulsed to some degree. I didn't quite understand the aspects of not using protection by the 5th date either. I'm not sure also why contraception would be unacceptable? That's more about my curiousity, since I'm curious what you meant.

 

Really, the most important, I think, would be to focus on what's most important to you in a relationship. Maybe kinks are very important to you though, I wouldn't know. But often kinky people are sexual too. I guess it depends where you meet.

Well, mainly because it's the elephant in the room.

 

Romance - which I'm not sure I fully understand either, but let's use it in the sense of wanting to live with somebody - generally isn't even possible if you're not sexually compatible.

 

When I did attend dungeons I never did anything sexual, and I only witnessed sex twice. Kink without sex is a real possibility - in theory. In practice, less so. Sexual abuse of rope bunnies (bottoms) in particular is apparently extremely common. And more vanilla people see sex as implied by kink. And may hold that line - and conceivably even be believed by a jury - even if explicitly told otherwise. So kink as a compromise may be a dead end.

 

Partly that's trust again. Trust is the ultimate kink. I want to trust people. But I've seen enough shit that I really can't without *some* assurances. Even though that's less than many people have seen.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

4 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Well, mainly because it's the elephant in the room.

 

Romance - which I'm not sure I fully understand either, but let's use it in the sense of wanting to live with somebody - generally isn't even possible if you're not sexually compatible.

 

When I did attend dungeons I never did anything sexual, and I only witnessed sex twice. Kink without sex is a real possibility - in theory. In practice, less so. Sexual abuse of rope bunnies (bottoms) in particular is apparently extremely common. And more vanilla people see sex as implied by kink. And may hold that line - and conceivably even be believed by a jury - even if explicitly told otherwise. So kink as a compromise may be a dead end.

 

Partly that's trust again. Trust is the ultimate kink. I want to trust people. But I've seen enough shit that I really can't without *some* assurances. Even though that's less than many people have seen.

I guess what I'm wondering is.. yes sexual compatibility is important but you do get to know someone through dating. I'm not sure why go the sexual or kink route, where you probably would have a harder time finding someone romantically compatible, when I assume romance is more important to you. Or do you only care about living together and not romance itself?

 

But yeah I would think exploring kink first would be complicated and make it harder to find a partner, at least that's just my first impression. As for trust, it'd be the same in my mind as in personally I would not try to find trust-worthy people through a sexual/kink community, it feels counter-intuitive to me. Unless you have thoughts around that.

 

 

[RandomAce8701]

Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I guess what I'm wondering is.. yes sexual compatibility is important but you do get to know someone through dating. I'm not sure why go the sexual or kink route, where you probably would have a harder time finding someone romantically compatible, when I assume romance is more important to you. Or do you only care about living together and not romance itself?

 

But yeah I would think exploring kink first would be complicated and make it harder to find a partner, at least that's just my first impression. As for trust, it'd be the same in my mind as in personally I would not try to find trust-worthy people through a sexual/kink community, it feels counter-intuitive to me. Unless you have thoughts around that.

 

 

Well as I said the kink "scene" might be a useful resource for me if there wasn't an airborne pandemic. But mostly for mutual validation and for friendly non-sexual play, in what I thought (in retrospect possibly wrongly) was a relatively safe environment. Age is a factor in the sociology.

 

Most likely I'll get socializing from work and campaigning. But most likely if I had to date it would be via online dating sites, for a larger pool of potential people.

 

I'm not really sure about my romantic orientation. If I wanted to make a long-term public commitment, I'd take advantage of the ability to form a civil partnership regardless of gender; marriage has a lot of historical baggage (maybe a UK-specific view).

 

Nonetheless, I'd have to screen out anyone who wants biological children, and anyone who wants regular penetrative sex. And I'm sure they'd feel the same. Pretty early on too. The elephant in the room creates a demand that can break a nascent relationship, and therefore must be addressed or it will poison it. And culturally people mostly expect sex fairly early.

 

When I was on dating sites, the fact that I listed myself as asexual or talked about it in my profile came up regularly. I don't think it's possible to avoid it.

 

Living with random landlord assigned people isn't an option either, while it would save a lot of money. The last time I had to live in temporary accommodation I paid a lot of extra money for a lockable door - which is a premium feature here. 😐 Although depending on how other family members' careers work out there may be other options.

[RandomAce8701]

I guess my answer to the romance question is trust, as well as living together.

 

That's the ideal. You know where you are with family, whereas it's often less clear with friends.

 

In practice, that means knowing your partner well enough that you don't trust them. 😀 Or rather, don't trust their abilities. But you can mostly predict them, and know their heart is in the right place. At least that's what I've observed from the couples I know best.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

11 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Well as I said the kink "scene" might be a useful resource for me if there wasn't an airborne pandemic. But mostly for mutual validation and for friendly non-sexual play, in what I thought (in retrospect possibly wrongly) was a relatively safe environment. Age is a factor in the sociology.

 

Most likely I'll get socializing from work and campaigning. But most likely if I had to date it would be via online dating sites, for a larger pool of potential people.

 

I'm not really sure about my romantic orientation. If I wanted to make a long-term public commitment, I'd take advantage of the ability to form a civil partnership regardless of gender; marriage has a lot of historical baggage (maybe a UK-specific view).

 

Nonetheless, I'd have to screen out anyone who wants biological children, and anyone who wants regular penetrative sex. And I'm sure they'd feel the same. Pretty early on too. The elephant in the room creates a demand that can break a nascent relationship, and therefore must be addressed or it will poison it. And culturally people mostly expect sex fairly early.

 

When I was on dating sites, the fact that I listed myself as asexual or talked about it in my profile came up regularly. I don't think it's possible to avoid it.

 

Living with random landlord assigned people isn't an option either, while it would save a lot of money. The last time I had to live in temporary accommodation I paid a lot of extra money for a lockable door - which is a premium feature here. 😐 Although depending on how other family members' careers work out there may be other options.

It definitely is important to talk about being on the ace spectrum early anyway, so I don't think it's an issue to list it, especially because dating sites often do have sexual expectations, though generally women have less than men, it's not like sex is important to everyone, and personally I'd rather meet people live than on dating sites. Maybe there's groups that interest you. Though I guess you were already interested in kinks. Which if you're fine with then i guess it's a thing. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable in places like that. Everyone I know doesn't care about viruses anymore, around here, so I don't think people factor that in much anymore.

 

Paying for a lockable door? i've never heard of that xD.

[RoseGoesToYale]

I would say if you don't plan on having heterosexual sex, vasectomy isn't strictly necessary. Reproductive coercion is relatively rare and tends to happen in more extablished sexual relationships. The CDC reported in 2011 that 10.4% of men (higher than women, to my surprise) reported attempted reproductive coercion from an intimate partner (I can't find any stats on completed reproductive coercion for men, my guess is that's very hard to study). There are some steps you can take to protect yourself... don't have sex with anyone who keeps pressuring you to have kids when you don't want them. If you do ever have sex, bring your own birth control and put it on yourself. And if someone will only have sex that's unprotected, tell them no.

 

That said, you don't ever have to have sex to get sterilized. For me, it was just as much getting rid of lifelong reproductive dysphoria as it was permanently protecting myself from pregnancy once I finally do have sex. Living in a body that was capable of reproduction was unbearable, and I woke up on that hospital bed finally feeling like I had a body that matched my soul. If you feel any similar dysphoria, vasectomy could be beneficial to you (and it's way cheaper/easier than the female equivalent). Just make sure it's something you want.

[Destranix]

A part of the problem maybe could be solved when knowing why you don't want to have children. I mean, that's a valid thing actually, if you don't want you don't want. But as you are talking about having anxities and being in the autistic specturm it might be possible (from my POV) that the reasons are somehow illogical or not thought far enough with enough realism.

 

Despite that, even if you'd not want children that would usually not make you being largly afraid of abuse. Usually you don't want abuse because it's very shitty in general. So if it's really you not wanting children what makes you afraid of being abused, then the thing with not wanting children is probably a topic that should be handled separatly and it's probably irrationally higher, maybe another anxiety.

 

Nevertheless, for you being autistic trust might be even more relevant than for non-autistic people. Adittionally it might be harder for you than for others to identify trustful people (and it's already hard for non-autistic people), because of difficulties interpreting emotional and social cues.
Though there are also other autistic people finding people they trust in, even though having similiar problems, so maybe you find some forum oder something where other autists can give you tips or something.

 

What I think what could help you building up trust is some sort of pyramide of trust. If you know people you trust to a certain amount, regarding specific things, you can use that trust as a fallback. If you open yourself to someone else to see if they are trustfull and if then they turn out to not be trustful you got your fallback other trustful people to help you dealing with it and supporting you.
That might happen either after incidents or, in some scenarios, they might even be able to help you during incidents, like when they are locally near or otherwiese reachable.

[Luftschlosseule]

From your post, I think therapy for your anxienty would a good idea, with a therapist who doesn't judge for kinks, and figure out if the vasectomy would be likely to help you with your anxienty, or if your brain latched on that ideas hoping to find anxiety relief. Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

[RandomAce8701]

Some interesting thoughts, thanks! Anxiety is a bitch.

[RandomAce8701]

22 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Some interesting thoughts, thanks! Anxiety is a bitch.

As regards reasons for not wanting biological children, while there is some overlap with issues around sex repulsion, it's mainly political. The world is going to hell in a handcart, and I don't think I could protect them from the ongoing, escalating polycrisis. Also, children consume all available energy, time, and especially money, and I can contribute better to building a more sustainable future if I *don't* have children. And avoid putting them in unnecessary danger (I had a supportive family but mistakes were made and lessons learned).

 

The problem is anxiety always finds a way to twist that. For instance lots of self-accusation when I was involved in some activism between Covid lockdowns.

 

I guess the immediate trigger is the question of whether I'm prepared to live on my own for most of the next four decades. But a "compromise relationship" isn't necessarily the only or best answer to that. And I lived on my own in reasonable comfort for several years before things went sideways.

 

Also career is getting to be a much bigger issue lately. I suspect I'll be moving around a lot.

 

Anyway, thanks.

[Destranix]

7 hours ago, RandomAce8701 said:

The world is going to hell in a handcart

Just saying: It neven did not.

 

7 hours ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Also, children consume all available energy, time, and especially money

Not all, but very much, that's true, yes.

7 hours ago, RandomAce8701 said:

and I can contribute better to building a more sustainable future if I *don't* have children

A few children more or less won't change much. Though a few humans could change the world.

 

[RandomAce8701]

5 hours ago, Destranix said:

Just saying: It neven did not.

 

Not all, but very much, that's true, yes.

A few children more or less won't change much. Though a few humans could change the world.

 

We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one. Civilisation is always on a knife edge, with the four horsemen circling, but that doesn't mean that it's always equally precarious; it comes to a head at some point, and like people, civilisations don't last forever. Dumping all problems on the next generation just means nothing ever gets fixed - and not all problems can be put off indefinitely.

 

I don't blame parents for all the world's problems. But nor do I think it's necessarily the right path for me.

 

Not that it's easy to make a positive impact without kids. But were I unemployed *with* kids, I'd have had to make different choices. Stability is hard; moving every couple of years because the jobs market sucks then hurts your kids and not just yourself. And then it's tempting to gain some stability by working for people who are clearly the bad guys, often *literally* responsible for killing other people's kids. My parents moved to a hellhole where everyone, especially the local gangs, hated us, because of their financial problems and desperate attempt to fix their near-unemployability. That caused us (the kids) a lot of problems.

 

Basically it means giving up on any hope of a better future. And expecting your kids to clean up the mess. If they're not too busy trying to keep their kids alive, which they will be.

 

Anyway, I have the perfect excuse for not breeding, one that doctors might not turn into an intractable medicalization quagmire. I'm too old. In your 40s, the likelihood of genetic and other birth issues starts to go up pretty fast. Plus do you really want to be 61 when your kid becomes 18? And more likely 65, or even older if you have two. Sure, it's possible, rich celebrities manage it, with a lot of paid help and good financial security. But whether it's desirable for me is another question.

 

Thanks anyway. Slightly clearer now. 😀

[Destranix]

5 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

Not that much disagree though from my side. I understand your opinion and, as said before, that's a decision completly up to you. (also we probably alreeady have enough children on this world currently, though it's not well locally balanced.)

Though I know that there could be dissonance arising from conflicting interests and ideas (i.e. wanting to have children for one reason but thinking that it is not a good idea for the other reason), and if that should be the case my hints might be considered for resolving dissonance.

 

8 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Plus do you really want to be 61 when your kid becomes 18?

Some people would say: "Isn't it boring without kids in the house?"

Well, I guess that can be true somehow, nevertheless most parents seem to long for more space.

I can't say what my opinion on that is. Though, also considering increasing average life-span, I'd not generally see a problem with having kids turn 18 when I'm over 60 or any other age older than, let's say about 40 maybe.

[RandomAce8701]

Just now, Destranix said:

Not that much disagree though from my side. I understand your opinion and, as said before, that's a decision completly up to you. (also we probably alreeady have enough children on this world currently, though it's not well locally balanced.)

Though I know that there could be dissonance arising from conflicting interests and ideas (i.e. wanting to have children for one reason but thinking that it is not a good idea for the other reason), and if that should be the case my hints might be considered for resolving dissonance.

 

Some people would say: "Isn't it boring without kids in the house?"

Well, I guess that can be true somehow, nevertheless most parents seem to long for more space.

I can't say what my opinion on that is. Though, also considering increasing average life-span, I'd not generally see a problem with having kids turn 18 when I'm over 60 or any other age older than, let's say about 40 maybe.

Yeah, I think the cognitive dissonance pressures are higher on the other side. Why do people generally become more right wing as they get older? Because the horrifying reality is that they are destroying their kids' future, and because of having kids there's little they can do to stop it. They reject that; parenting is an exercise of optimism. So they focus on the scapegoat of the day (which is of course threatening their children) instead of the real problems.

 

On the upside, those stats have gone into reverse lately. 😀 Millennials aren't becoming more right wing.

[RandomAce8701]

5 minutes ago, Destranix said:

Some people would say: "Isn't it boring without kids in the house?"

Well, I guess that can be true somehow, nevertheless most parents seem to long for more space.

Two out of three of my parents' kids are still living with them. 😀

 

Which again wouldn't be an option - even in crises such as unemployment when it really helps.

[Destranix]

16 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

On the upside, those stats have gone into reverse lately.

Sounds good.

 

17 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

parenting is an exercise of optimism. So they focus on the scapegoat of the day (which is of course threatening their children) instead of the real problems.

I's say, focusing on scapegoats is not a parental thing but more a thing of society in general. Many people, unfortunatly, are so stupid.

 

 

[RandomAce8701]

Backing up a bit, are my concerns about assault and coercion unreasonable?

 

I don't think so. The numbers are low for cis het neurotypical men. But I'm not actually one of those. They're pretty awful for asexuals, and even worse for autistics.

 

And the figure quoted above - 10% of men have experienced reproductive coercion - is higher than that for rape (about 4%, 20% for women, there may be issues with definitions). I'm assuming if I'm dating I'd be looking for a long term relationship, so this is a risk. And as above risks are exaggerated for me due to autism etc.

 

Sadly there is little you can do to plan for sexual assault. There is little hope of justice, there may be local support services that cater for the 20%-ish of victims that are not female.

 

However, for now, I think I can assume I'll try to live as a single person. That did work for me in the past for a few years.

 

Covid (which I personally see as still a significant risk) makes it more complicated, ruling out some forms of social.

 

I *might* still end up dating. If I do, sterilisation seems a reasonable precaution. Obviously there are others.

Edited March 30 by RandomAce8701

[Destranix]

1 minute ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Backing up a bit, are my concerns about assault and coercion unreasonable?

Somehow yes, somehow no. Usually there is not a high dangour for people, and especially not males, to become voctim of an intentional assult or such.

Though being active in certain sets and having autism could defini8tly be a risk factors.

 

Nevertheless, if your sets still are trustworthy in general and if you don't act stupid (like doing stuff without safe word) the risk still should be low.

 

Also if you also test these sexual things with a partner slowly and don't rush it I think you might be able to recognize mistakes or mismatches early enough. If you are still scared, maybe do such things somewhere where you can fastly get help if your partner/opponent has bad ambitions.

 

9 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Covid (which I personally see as still a significant risk) makes it more complicated, ruling out some forms of social.

Even though autism is a risk factor for more strong Covid signs, I'd not see a significant risk cause you probably already got infected several times (maybe even without knowing, what would even lower the risk of serve conditions).

[RandomAce8701]

2 hours ago, Destranix said:

Somehow yes, somehow no. Usually there is not a high dangour for people, and especially not males, to become voctim of an intentional assult or such.

Though being active in certain sets and having autism could defini8tly be a risk factors.

 

Nevertheless, if your sets still are trustworthy in general and if you don't act stupid (like doing stuff without safe word) the risk still should be low.

 

Also if you also test these sexual things with a partner slowly and don't rush it I think you might be able to recognize mistakes or mismatches early enough. If you are still scared, maybe do such things somewhere where you can fastly get help if your partner/opponent has bad ambitions.

Okay, I was going to shut this down. But I have to disagree with your risk assessment.

 

Autism is a *huge* risk factor according to published work; about half of autistic adults have experienced sexual violence in adulthood, though surveys vary especially around gender (that one says 40M/60F, but surprisingly has relatively few men in the survey, some others say 90% of autistic women). So is asexual spectrum according to AVEN's annual survey (about three quarters IIRC but mostly women). The fact that I can pass for neurotypical, sometimes, helps, but so can many autistics, especially autistic women (the reason diagnosis rates are lower in women is that they are more likely to be pressured to "mask" well).

 

Communication issues are obviously a factor, especially with autism, but the excuses given by abusers definitely overlap with that. And age is a factor; outside of the kink community, people my age are more likely to believe and use consent myths than younger generations.

 

And yeah I need to figure out whether kink is something I want to pursue or whether it's just a special interest due to anxiety, my broken/ace identity issues stage, and questions over compromise relationships. If it is, it's a significant risk factor in itself, especially given communication issues.

 

Nonetheless, not a reason to be too afraid of moving out again. If I'm not happy living on my own I have a number of options to mitigate risk.

 

Thanks.

[Sally]

12 hours ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Why do people generally become more right wing as they get older? Because the horrifying reality is that they are destroying their kids' future, and because of having kids there's little they can do to stop it. They reject that; parenting is an exercise of optimism. So they focus on the scapegoat of the day (which is of course threatening their children) instead of the real problems.

That is quite a stretch.  

[RandomAce8701]

10 hours ago, Sally said:

That is quite a stretch.  

Maybe so.

[RandomAce8701]

19 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Maybe so.

The usual analysis is that the reason people get more right wing (in the English speaking west) as they get older is children and mortgages. Since millennials can't afford either, they aren't getting more right wing (UK fertility is down to 1.49 children per woman). What I said is perhaps an extreme version of that assessment. There are some who argue that society and political labels have got steadily more left wing and so this is an illusory effect, but frankly given the last decade I do not find that credible.

 

So what I said is a *bit* of a stretch. It's my personal interpolation of the detailed reasons for this effect. There are other theories e.g. around mortgages. But it's as good a version as any. Get a car (it's practical). Work for a defense contractor (it might be more stable). Etc etc.

 

Basically what I believe (children make you so desperate to survive that unless you are extremely privileged you cease to have any real moral/political agency) is the precise opposite of what the Daily Mail believes. 😀 See e.g. here:

 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/30/what-is-it-about-us-dinks-dual-income-no-kids-so-many-people-dislike

 

I did try to explain that in less hostile terms earlier:

 

22 hours ago, RandomAce8701 said:

We're going to have to agree to disagree on that one. Civilisation is always on a knife edge, with the four horsemen circling, but that doesn't mean that it's always equally precarious; it comes to a head at some point, and like people, civilisations don't last forever. Dumping all problems on the next generation just means nothing ever gets fixed - and not all problems can be put off indefinitely.

 

I don't blame parents for all the world's problems. But nor do I think it's necessarily the right path for me.

 

Not that it's easy to make a positive impact without kids. But were I unemployed *with* kids, I'd have had to make different choices. Stability is hard; moving every couple of years because the jobs market sucks then hurts your kids and not just yourself. And then it's tempting to gain some stability by working for people who are clearly the bad guys, often *literally* responsible for killing other people's kids. My parents moved to a hellhole where everyone, especially the local gangs, hated us, because of their financial problems and desperate attempt to fix their near-unemployability. That caused us (the kids) a lot of problems.

 

Basically it means giving up on any hope of a better future. And expecting your kids to clean up the mess. If they're not too busy trying to keep their kids alive, which they will be.

Whichever, it's a tangent. But this whole thread is a tangle of tangents. Maybe there is an argument that it's so tangled that it's not helpful to anyone else.

[RandomAce8701]

8 minutes ago, RandomAce8701 said:

Whichever, it's a tangent. But this whole thread is a tangle of tangents. Maybe there is an argument that it's so tangled that it's not helpful to anyone else.

I guess it illustrates something I told a therapist once, but couldn't really explain at the time. I take politics personally.