Male friends not respecting my aromatic/asexual nature as a girl

[blerghhh]

Hi all, I wanted to discuss this topic with people who might understand my perspective better as an asexual/aromatic person. For context, I am currently a female college student who has gone through multiple "friendships" with guys I considered my best friends in the past years (starting from high school) that ultimately ended up falling apart because they developed feelings for me. I haven't realized the amount of trauma these relationships caused me, and I haven't seen many resources talking about my situation (this is a simplification). So what happens is usually is I befriend these people out of mutual interests such as school or similar interests and become close friends. I have never made any gestures that would suggest I wanted a romantic relationship, because I'm simply not into that nor do I feel mentally prepared to commit myself to one. I act like a normal friend, hanging out (alone or with groups of friends), doing schoolwork together, and chatting about life things throughout the day (If anything, I consider myself a tomboy who doesn't dress up as other girls might, but I am petite and could still pass for a high school student even now.)

Eventually, they always end up developing romantic feelings and our friendship dynamic changes. They try to act affectionate and do things that couples usually do, which I originally thought was just them being close and comfortable. At first, I don't make a big fuss about it because I care for them very much and don't enjoy confrontations with dear friends. However, it reaches a point where it is clear that they are constantly overstepping my boundaries and even when I verbally communicate with them about it, they don't seem to stop. I then end up arguing with them about it and end the friendship because they did not want to change their behavior no matter how much it hurt me. This left me feeling incredibly guilty since it seems like it was my fault for not being able to provide them the romantic relationship they wanted.

 

What particularly bothers me is when I entered college and ended up cutting off a male friend had a crush on me. It was a whole train-wreck from then on. This person was my best friend in college at that point, I also didn't have many other friends being an extremely shy introvert and all. We spent a lot of time with each other, but again, it was never romantic. A few months into the year, they did end up confessing their feelings for me, and my response was something along the lines of "I like you as a person, but I'm just not ready for a relationship yet." I was never that kind of girl to date (makes sense now that I know I'm asexual haha). This would've been my first serious relationship and I knew that I truly wasn't ready for that level of commitment nor was I "in love" with them since they were a friend to me and nothing else. I'm not going to date someone I don't have romantic feelings for, plus platonic relationships meant more to me anyways. Nonetheless, he said he respected that and I naively believed that all was well. Nonetheless, his feelings weren't going to "disappear" but I still treated him as a normal friend with appropriate boundaries as always. Over time it did seem like he was losing feelings, which I figured was normal since I made it clear I was not going to date in general and I respected his decisions. The truth is, he did lose feelings but ended up "playing along" to "mess with me" since I didn't reciprocate his feelings. He also hid the fact that he got a girlfriend even though it wouldn't have mattered to me anyways? By the end from the way he was acting, I already suspected what was happening and accepted that this friendship was over. He ended up committing some heinous things to his girlfriend that I won't go into detail on. I removed him from my life and grieved our friendship.

During this time at the start of a new semester, I met another person who happened to be at the same school and same major as me. The previous friendship emotionally wrecked me, so I tried my best to prevent it from happening. I was happy to have met a new friend, thinking that it was be starting with a fresh slate. We shared classes and were able to connect over similar interests. I also confided in them what happened to me in my previous "friendship", so they absolutely knew how fresh the emotional wounds were. About a month or so into the semester, they confessed that they had feelings for me. But this time I immediately put down my boundaries, saying that I wasn't interested in dating nor will I ever be in the future especially after what happened recently. I made it clear that I was not a romantic person and that I was only trying to be a good friend. This didn't change their mind once again, and they continued to have a crush on me. Every time they brought up giving them a chance in a relationship, I shut it down. They continue acting on their feelings despite me telling them over and over again that I didn't want them to do those things in the nicest way possible. It became clear that this was becoming an unhealthy codependent relationship. The comments they said and did towards me were not things you would say or do to your best friend. These included but were not limited to:
 

1. Constantly staring at me for a LONG time whenever we hung out. I never really thought much of it until I realized how creepy this was.

2. Constantly calling me cute even though I told them not to. They meant it in a romantic way and it made me uncomfortable.

3. Commenting on my "soft and small" hands often. Just why??

4. Refusing to stop taking pictures of me even when I told them I did not like pictures of ME ONLY (they took pictures without me noticing just because they thought "i looked cute" after they said they would stop)

5. Getting upset with me hanging out with literally anyone else, always wanting my attention and subtly gaslighting me to hang out at times when I literally communicated I didn't want to

6. Telling me that they "imagined their pillow was me" and that they could "hug as much as they wanted" 
7. Telling me that they once had a dream I got r@ped and they "helped me", again why??
8. Comparing me to their exes and that I "treated them better than their exes ever did"
and more.

No matter how much I communicated to them to stop disrespecting my boundaries, him always saying "i care about you" and "i love you", nothing changed. I tried so hard to make it work but my mental health couldn't take it anymore so I once again cut them off. But I still feel guilty even now, for not being able to reciprocate romantically even though my boundaries were the ones being broken all the time. What are your thoughts?

[argar]

This reminded me of a video that Sweet Anita put out discussing very similar situations.

 

I will let her tell her experience in her own words:

Sweet Anita

 

For my part, all I can tell you is that men generally have a very different experience to young ladies sometimes.

 

We, men that is, are usually not pursued or payed attention to at all. 

 

We are not complimented.

 

We are not made to feel like we value.

 

So, unfortunately, sometimes when we get paid even the smallest of attention, we tend to make more if it than it is.

 

I am not saying this is true of all men, or to make you feel responsible in any way, but to highlight that in general we do not see the other side of things.

 

We do not see all the unwarted attention women have to deal with.

 

Or the fact that they are made to feel like object or trophies, instead of as people. 

 

Again, I am not saying this is everyone's experience, but I am saying that it is very easy to obscure things because the general interactions between men and women is always portrayed in either romantic or sexual ways, and we are not taught, or even see, healthy depictions of platonic relationships between men and women.

 

So our only frame of reference is that all interactions between men and women have to be romantic.

 

I am not saying this excuses the violation of your boundaries, but it sucks that we are not taught, or see, depictions of platonic relationships anywhere.

 

I think that would make all of us have less messy relationships with platonic friends.  

 

Just my opinion though.

 

I hope this helps a little. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@blerghhhYou've had terrible luck with your guy friends. I haven't seen anything close to that  happening as much. Some of my (girl) friend who had some of our friends confess to them didn't have too much problems from them after, though I'm sure some do have times like you at some points, as most of the time people respect that it's not wanted..  I would say it takes someone pretty selfish or ignorant to just keep trying when they know you don't like it. You shouldn't feel guilty, because this happens for anyone (not just ace), it's not up to someone to have feelings for someone all of a sudden just because the other person does, especially if they're just seen as friends. I think someone cares then they won't keep doing that. I'm not sure what's going on there. Have you thought to maybe focus on girls for friendship for a while? just for a bit of a refresher xD. Not guaranteed that they won't fall for you either lol but less chance ;p.

 

Sorry it's been hard on the friendship front though <3.

[Phalena]

I hope that those guys were actually your friends and not acting nice and like friends in hopes of pursuing you. If it makes you feel any better? Your experiences are sadly very common and I cannot offer a good solution. What argar said plays into the issue but in the end, it's the guys that need to realise that men and women can be platonic friends.

[M96-80 KENNY]

Too relatable, I'm almost like you but the opposite, I'm an aroace boy, and everytime I wanted to have female friends, they always rejected me. Ok, I also used to have a female best friend but she left me after 1 year.

[Karret]

That sucks. I'm sorry the dudes keep falling for you. D> Even after stating you've got no interest. 

My only thing is, if someone points out dating or sex to me, I'll be like "but why though? Why do you even care about that?" and make them aware of the fact that I find them odd and bizarre for being into sex/dating. There's one coworker I told that for me, all dating/sex stuff, even the straight stuff, is like "miss me with that gay shit" to me, and last I know, he still gets a kick out of me having phrased it that way. XD

 

I don't think I've had the misfortune of someone misunderstanding me and still trying to date me. Technically, I had one friend who was like that in high school, but I think he was just peer pressured to because everyone at the time was saying how we'd make a cute couple. When he asked I immediately turned him down, and checked to make sure he wasn't hurt or messed up by that, and then later he turned out to be gay anyways, so it all worked out.

 

I also haven't been to college to see those still hormonal dudes being big ole dumbos. :Va

The most I can suggest is bluntness probably helps with dudes. like... sometimes in a way that might seem harsh, but as long as it's not coming from a place of trying to intentionally be hurtful. It might also help to be a bit of a weirdo gremlin creature.

 

I hope you find a way to reliably keep dudes from falling for you. 😧

[blerghhh]

For more context: I do have close female friends, in fact when I told them about these situations they were the ones encouraging me to leave because it seemed like these men were trying to emotionally isolate me from everyone else. After much reflecting, I wouldn't say that they necessarily "fell in love" with me, but were comfortable with having someone cater to their emotional needs and got upset when I wouldn't continue doing so. Trust me when I say I did the things I consider the stuff good friends do: constantly check in, spend quality time together, provide emotional support etc. I've also made plenty of male friends later on who never acted this way, so it was only specific individuals like this who were especially lonely and perhaps desperate for any attention. I mostly feel bad for the way I reacted by trying to fix the situation, but I am still young and very inexperienced, while these men were several years older than me and have been in previous relationships before. I definitely learned from it though, if they cannot respect me and my personal boundaries, they don't deserve me as a good friend. It's not my job to "fix" them, even though I tried.

[Philip027]

Yeah, these people were never actually your friends, sorry to say.

[blerghhh]

12 hours ago, Phalena said:

I hope that those guys were actually your friends and not acting nice and like friends in hopes of pursuing you. If it makes you feel any better? Your experiences are sadly very common and I cannot offer a good solution. What argar said plays into the issue but in the end, it's the guys that need to realise that men and women can be platonic friends.

My girl friends said I was being "love-bombed" with the constant compliments and him trying to buy/pay things for me all the time. I'm more trying to make sense of my situation and how to cope with it afterwards, since they seemed like a wonderful person in memory but perhaps they were just trying to get someone to support their emotional needs without ever really working on themselves. I keep asking myself if I am selfish for leaving someone I supposedly cared so much for, even though they weren't willing to work towards being on the same page after me explaining and communicating over and over again. 

[Picklethewickle]

You aren't selfish for leaving people who are trying to take advantage of you. Their emotional problems are their responsibility, not yours. The fact that the men you had a problem with were older and more experienced than you strongly suggests they weren't looking for a friend, they were looking for someone easy to use. It isn't really that you are doing something wrong, they are doing something wrong. The best you can do is learn to recognize these kinds of people quickly before you get attached to them.

[blerghhh]

16 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

You aren't selfish for leaving people who are trying to take advantage of you. Their emotional problems are their responsibility, not yours. The fact that the men you had a problem with were older and more experienced than you strongly suggests they weren't looking for a friend, they were looking for someone easy to use. It isn't really that you are doing something wrong, they are doing something wrong. The best you can do is learn to recognize these kinds of people quickly before you get attached to them.

How can I really tell if these people seem to really care and put in effort, yet do these manipulative things at the same time? Is it because they aren't willing to put in the effort to change?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

17 minutes ago, blerghhh said:

How can I really tell if these people seem to really care and put in effort, yet do these manipulative things at the same time? Is it because they aren't willing to put in the effort to change?

I think the most important is for someone to listen and recognize things they do that you don't like or make you uncomfortable. If they don't stop or try enough when they've heard your concerns, then something's wrong or they don't care enough for your side.

[blerghhh]

6 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I think the most important is for someone to listen and recognize things they do that you don't like or make you uncomfortable. If they don't stop or try enough when they've heard your concerns, then something's wrong or they don't care enough for your side.

When I voiced my concerns about not being comfortable with their behavior, sitting down and talking to them about it, their response is always its because they care about me. While my own behavior I admit was not healthy either considering my past trauma, I was actively trying to fix my own codependent behaviors (which was in general, not even specifically because of them). They were subtly showing how upset they were that I wasn't giving them as much as attention as before, even though I genuinely wanted and needed to work on myself emotionally. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

28 minutes ago, blerghhh said:

When I voiced my concerns about not being comfortable with their behavior, sitting down and talking to them about it, their response is always its because they care about me. While my own behavior I admit was not healthy either considering my past trauma, I was actively trying to fix my own codependent behaviors (which was in general, not even specifically because of them). They were subtly showing how upset they were that I wasn't giving them as much as attention as before, even though I genuinely wanted and needed to work on myself emotionally. 

It's ok to be sad for not getting as much attention, but it's important for others to be understanding (and actually listen and care about what you say your concerns are) of what you feel, and not just be focused on their own thoughts for how they think or say they care.