Aromatics in romantic relationships, help?

[Daari Glaire]

Hi there!

I am confused these few days and I wonder if someone can shed some light on this.

 

I consider myself asexual aromantic. I don’t feel the attraction to anyone, not sexually and not romantically. But… But I am fine with having sex and can enjoy that, and in a similar vein it seems like I would like to have someone as my own, like, I don’t think I am able to love someone romantically, but the idea that there is a close friend living with me who I can care for and who cares for me sounds nice.

 

I tried relationships and it was awful. I wanted to fall in love, I expected to fall in love, but it just felt uncomfortable and they always piled up obligations on me and expected me to read their minds. So, I thought I may just find some zucchini relationship and be happy. Not really knowing how to find one nor how hard it is (spoiler: it seems really hard to find around here, I know exactly one person who would be into that, but while I respect her, we wouldn’t mesh well) I was like - okay, I’ll look for it someday.

 

And now there is this man who just… cares. I unintentionally hurt him badly in the past and he is willing to let it go and he just… he is really nice to me and kind and I don’t have any experience with this. So while I am still wary of where it may lead to, I am also kind of open to the possibility of trying romantic relationship for one last time. I mean, it would probably be just close platonic relationship with intimacy for me since I don’t really feel much difference, but yeah.

 

My question for other aromatic people in romantic relationships is:

How does this work for you? Doesn’t the romantic person start pushing you into things? Wouldn’t they get frustrated when what feels comfortable for you is less than what they’d want? When you can’t say “I love you” in a way they want you to? When your ideal “date” is sitting apart in one room and reading together quietly?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I know you're looking to hear from aromantic people, but just to quickly share something, the most important is to be able to talk about this with a potential partner, to make sure they understand how you are and what it means if they'd be in a relationship with you. It doesn't mean it'll work out but the chances are higher if they know what they're getting into (and you get to talk about expectations too).

[Olallieberry]

I have a perspective from the other side, which I feel could be helpful and is not 'splainy, but I'll spoiler it in case you don't want to hear from people who aren't aro:

 

Spoiler

I think it's great that there's a person who feels this strongly and caringly about you. It could turn out to be a treasure, if there's any way to find compatibility there.
 

But - is there? Is companionship something you're interested in at all? I hear you saying that you might be. I also hear the uncertainty. It sounds to me like if it could work with anyone at all, it might be this person.
 

A romantically-oriented person who cares enough about someone to try being their companion despite the mismatch is a rare find, and probably the most important thing about trying it with them is to be as transparent as one can about expectations and boundaries. If you know what some are, show them to him. If you don't know where some are, say that too and say that you're figuring it out as you go. Let him know that they could change and that you appreciate his willingness to stand by you as you determine your needs, expectations and boundaries further over time.
 

Just based on his previously having been hurt but persisting in his presence in your life, he seems like someone who's prepared to not be all fragile about what your boundaries might mean about him. You know? If he can avoid making it all about him and can let your stuff be your own stuff, that's a really good characteristic in any partner in any relationship, but especially one like this, where there's uncertainty about compatibility and about expectations.

 

The way you described the awfulness of your past tries at relationships definitely sounds like stuff you'd want to avoid. If this guy is emotionally mature and empathetic, he'll care and take you seriously when you say you don't know what he's thinking, and when you say you aren't willing to take on certain expectations. I don't know if the awfulness was because these dynamics turned toxic, or if they were awful just because of frustration and discomfort but not necessarily anyone's fault.

 

Toxicity is to be avoided, but some level of frustration and discomfort is inevitable. Whether that level turns out to be manageable or intolerable probably depends on both the actual needs and also the emotional maturity and empathy of both partners.
 

That was a lot of pre-amble to answering your actual questions, which were about what happens when they show you desires or expectations which you don't share and don't want to say Yes to.
 

Does the rom person start pushing you into things?
This guy doesn't sound pushy and he sounds like he'd sincerely hear your boundary and respect it. Because he cares.
 

Do they get frustrated when you aren't comfortable with what they want?
Sure, but if they're emotionally mature and empathetic, they don't react to it in unhealthy ways. This guy sounds empathetic and mature. He probably will react, but, if you also can be emotionally mature and empathetic, he'll appreciate being shown that you understand and care even though you don't want to participate or perform in whatever it is. Interactions like these are extremely intimate and all by themselves they provide stakes-based emotional content in the relationship which honestly can make up for or substitute for whatever it is that the other person might be missing or wish they could have with you. What they can have is real enough and deep enough that it can motivate them to make it work.
 

What if you can't say "I love you" in a way they want to hear from you?
More of the same. Don't hide that you do care about them, don't hide what is valuable and positive to you about being with them. It might not amount to "I so 💕luuurve💖 you" but if it's sincere and real and they can tell, and they feel strongly enough about you too, in whatever way that it is, then it'll be enough. You can't protect them from possible disappointment or wishing there were something else, but again, if they're emotionally mature, then they'll understand that the rejection isn't about them because it's about you, and if they're empathetic, then they'll understand how much you really do care and that you understand and feel for their sense of something missing. Every relationship has something missing. No pair of people can be every single thing to each other. All partnerships are imperfect and incomplete. The partners never "complete" it, but they get enough by just trusting, supporting and understanding each other, and by allowing each other to be independent, separate persons, and by handling the frustrations and discomforts with maturity and empathy.

 

RE: Ideal "date" - another area for communicating desires and expectations.

This could turn out to be the area where incompatibility becomes most difficult, but, again, all the above ideas are relevant. If he wanted to do something that's too "romantic" for you, what would that mean to you? You mentioned sitting and reading silently together. Does that mean that going out to dinner is the part that's too "romantic?" Or that talking to each other with flowery, conventionally "romantic" language is the idea that you're avoiding? Or something else? Where I'm getting to with these questions is that, as I've been talking about, if you two care about each other and are transparent, you can express your preferences and he'll respect them. He'll express preferences too, and you can show respect for them without just being a doormat and saying Yes to everything.

Or, maybe what you can do is use the "Yes, And - " construction to validate what you're hearing but add your own boundary.
"Do you want to go out to dinner?" "Yes - and let's bring our books."
"Would you like to sit with me over here?" "Yes - and look, there's enough room so our thighs won't have to touch." (Or "Yes, and - there's room next to you for this other chair I can bring over and sit on." I don't know, I'm using my imagination. I don't know if this is what you'd prefer.)

Anyway, that's my big message - transparency, clarity, and trust. It's possible this just won't work out, it's possible that it could become the most significant relationship of your life. But it sounds like if you're ever going to have a chance to try it without it becoming toxic, this guy seems like a great candidate.

 

TL;DR Dare to try! And best wishes!

[Daari Glaire]

Thank you everyone!

 

I already told him about my feelings and he seems to accept it.

 

@Olallieberry that’s exactly what I needed to read, thank you so, so much

[Signe]

I'm in a relationship and I definitely feel like I love him very strongly, it's just different. We have a lot of issues (that aren't necessarily caused by my romantic orientation) but I feel like we fit in together weirdly because he has ASPD and doesn't love like neurotypicals do. So it is possible! A lot of communication is needed though. I myself could do a lot better in that regard...

 

There is still some frustration from his side, because I find it unnatural to say "I love you" and sometimes I seem like I don't care (even though I care a lot). But I try to tell him more how much I appreciate him and love him. I feel like it's a miracle that I've found someone I want to share my life with in partnership, I never thought it would be possible! But in our case, two weirdos fit well together lol. So to you I would say that go with the flow, see if it goes anywhere but don't push yourself to feel in a way that isn't natural for you.