binary suns Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 I don't really seem to be made correctly to have a roommate. anything they do that I notice puts me on edge, I'm nervous and affected, perhaps even I get mad about it even though no one's to blame. It just doesn't feel like something that belongs in my system. I don't know if it's something I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's something where I'm affected by the past. That I got hurt before, and so I'm unable to be comfortable with others in the space I call home. But it's scary for two reasons. one is that an apartment is so expensive without someone to share the cost with, and the other is that if I am to seek out a romantic or queerplatonic relationship, well that's a roommate isn't it? I don't want to feel this way about someone I'm supposed to feel good feelings about. I don't know what to think or do, any advvice is apprecitated. t 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hurta Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 I’m sorry you’re going through this. I, however, still live with my family, so not much advice I can give sadly :// Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Shoro Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 It’s scary living with someone. They are going to do things differently than you. It’s going to interrupt your routine. You have to be more careful about closing the door while using the bathroom lol You need to try and be quiet while they’re sleeping. Things are now shared. They have access to your personal life. It definitely requires some major adjusting. A lot of people struggle with this, is all I can say is good luck! 😊 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Green181 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 Your post is so relatable. I been living in a house-share for the last 1.5 years with 3 or 4 strangers (and before that, I was in student housing for 3 years). The only reason I still live with people, as you mentioned, is due to finances. I've been finding it increasingly difficult over the last few months. I just want to be able to cook dinner on my own, without worrying that someone else is going to walk in and disturb me. There's so many things that have made me irrationally annoyed, like when people leave the bathroom/ kitchen messy, or the lack of space in the fridge-freezer. Maybe it's just lots of little things building up and getting to me. In terms of how you feel about having roommates, maybe this is affected by how close you are with the people your living with. i.e. If you aren't particularly close, it's likely that you'll feel more uncomfortable/ irritated by their presence. I can't speak from experience on this bit, but I guess in a relationship, it would be easier to share your space with someone. At the end of the day though, not everyone in a relationship lives with their partner. It's up to both parties to set boundaries about what they're happy with. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
2XD Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 On 2/18/2024 at 1:20 AM, binary suns said: I don't really seem to be made correctly to have a roommate. anything they do that I notice puts me on edge, I'm nervous and affected, perhaps even I get mad about it even though no one's to blame. It just doesn't feel like something that belongs in my system. I don't know if it's something I'm doing wrong. Maybe it's something where I'm affected by the past. That I got hurt before, and so I'm unable to be comfortable with others in the space I call home. But it's scary for two reasons. one is that an apartment is so expensive without someone to share the cost with, and the other is that if I am to seek out a romantic or queerplatonic relationship, well that's a roommate isn't it? I don't want to feel this way about someone I'm supposed to feel good feelings about. I don't know what to think or do, any advvice is apprecitated. t I understand your situation. I’m very introverted and like my own routine and my alone time. I have lived with roommates when I was younger and then again, after my previous relationship ended, with a roommate due to finances. It was horrible. I hate coming home after work and someone else being in the kitchen (possibly with friends of theirs) and I can’t even make something to eat. I hate not being able to use the bathroom (or even get ready for work) when I want to, because someone else is using it . However, if you’re worried about how it will be in a sorta romantic situation, for me personally its sooooo different. Coz it’s me living with my best friend. I don’t need to worry about him occupying the kitchen when I want to make dinner, because he’s in there making dinner for both of us. We know eachothers schedule and routine. We eat together. We watch tv together. It’s so different and easy. We also have enough rooms to where each of us can have alone time. It’s very different communication than with a roommate. So I don’t think you need to worry about that. Yes, it takes some time getting used to another person in your space. But, like someone else said in a previous comment, the whole “being worried about how loudly you close the bathroom door” …. I’ve never once worried about that. We go to bed at the same time, I won’t wake him up by closing the door! But yeah, in my experience as someone who really doesn’t like people in my space, it’s so different when you have a close (romantic) relationship with someone and you are compatible in your lifestyles and routines. Not sure about QPR coz that’s something I have no experience at all with, but I assume it’s similar. It’s just about lining up your routines and developing a shared one. And as always: communication is key! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
andever Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 I just want to say that well, past trauma aside, it's possible that you, like me, are just a highly introverted person...? I am so to a point where I absolutely cannot stand even the thought of living with someone no matter how much I like them (I have tried it in the past), and even spending more limited time with people I like and want to spend time with will drain me of energy - as I want to spend time with people I like, it's often worth the loss of energy for me, but I have also realized over the years that I need to acknowledge the draining aspects and make sure I have that excess energy to spend. Living with random people I don't even feel close to would be absolute hell - I would feel constantly exhausted and stressed and on edge (and likely to blow up for "no reason" as a consequence of that constant pressure), rather like you are describing.... and I felt that way even living with a close friend/QP partner. It took me a long time to realize this about myself and that it isn't about my friends doing anything wrong or anything being wrong with me or anything, but just about how I work. So while it is certainly possible that you would feel different with a romantic or QP partner - much like the poster above, people I know have described feeling that way, feeling drained being around strangers/casual aquintances too much but not so much with people they are close to and comfortable with and who know not to press on particular buttons - but, perhaps like me, you might not. So I just want to say that it's okay, in that case. .? That you don't have to live with someone just because they are important to you or because they are the love of your life, or for any emotional reason at all... Society teaches us to put so much importance on the relationship escalator (google it if you are not familiar with the concept?) and to measure the "seriousness" and importance of a relationship to you in terms of willingness to ride that escalator. And even most people who opt out of marriage or kids tend to still sign up for cohabitation and sleeping in the same bed every night as a matter of course... But that doesn't mean one has to do it that way, if that isn't right for you. So just saying that is something to keep in mind as you continue to figure yourself out, and to not just assume that if you like someone enough or feel close/comfortable enough with them it will not be a problem (and hence, conversely, not to assume that if it is problem, that it is automatically because there is something wrong with you or them or your relationship with them.) Now, the financial aspects of not being able to afford your own private living situation... Now that is a problem, and not really one I can help with, naturally... I know this is the case in far too many places in the world (not where I live, luckily...) , and I can only wish you luck and hope you can eventually figure out some way of arranging living arrangements you are more comfortable with!! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
a little annihilation Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 i feel very similarly. for me i think it partially has to do with if thr space is my own. i'm on edge when people are in my room but not the rest pf the house because the rest is shared space and i don't feel like the rest is "mine". if i had my own house i would definitely freak out having other people living with me. i would like to hope that i could find a person who i can live with but i don't know. i think it's just really important to have lots of your own space that no one else ever goes into. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 On 3/8/2024 at 8:19 AM, andever said: I just want to say that well, past trauma aside, it's possible that you, like me, are just a highly introverted person...? I am so to a point where I absolutely cannot stand even the thought of living with someone no matter how much I like them (I have tried it in the past), and even spending more limited time with people I like and want to spend time with will drain me of energy - as I want to spend time with people I like, it's often worth the loss of energy for me, but I have also realized over the years that I need to acknowledge the draining aspects and make sure I have that excess energy to spend. Living with random people I don't even feel close to would be absolute hell - I would feel constantly exhausted and stressed and on edge (and likely to blow up for "no reason" as a consequence of that constant pressure), rather like you are describing.... and I felt that way even living with a close friend/QP partner. I know that you wrote this for the OP and not for me, but your post was extremely helpful, I feel a little less "weird" now. Thank you. 🙏 I guess that some friends of mine don't really understand how much private space I need as an HSP, and to what extent I find social interactions draining. Not to mention living with other people (strangers) in a shared flat ... 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DuskandDiamonds Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 On 3/10/2024 at 2:01 PM, kiaroskuro said: I know that you wrote this for the OP and not for me, but your post was extremely helpful, I feel a little less "weird" now. Thank you. 🙏 I guess that some friends of mine don't really understand how much private space I need as an HSP, and to what extent I find social interactions draining. Not to mention living with other people (strangers) in a shared flat ... Thank you so much @kiaroskuro for mentioning HSP. I too am navigating life as a HSP. I feel really awkward ever mentioning it in bios and in person, because I feel it gets a lot of negative feedback like so many other valid things. Anyways thanks, glad I saw your post today! 😄 On 3/8/2024 at 2:19 AM, andever said: I just want to say that well, past trauma aside, it's possible that you, like me, are just a highly introverted person...? I am so to a point where I absolutely cannot stand even the thought of living with someone no matter how much I like them (I have tried it in the past), and even spending more limited time with people I like and want to spend time with will drain me of energy - as I want to spend time with people I like, it's often worth the loss of energy for me, but I have also realized over the years that I need to acknowledge the draining aspects and make sure I have that excess energy to spend. Living with random people I don't even feel close to would be absolute hell - I would feel constantly exhausted and stressed and on edge (and likely to blow up for "no reason" as a consequence of that constant pressure), rather like you are describing.... and I felt that way even living with a close friend/QP partner. It took me a long time to realize this about myself and that it isn't about my friends doing anything wrong or anything being wrong with me or anything, but just about how I work. So while it is certainly possible that you would feel different with a romantic or QP partner - much like the poster above, people I know have described feeling that way, feeling drained being around strangers/casual aquintances too much but not so much with people they are close to and comfortable with and who know not to press on particular buttons - but, perhaps like me, you might not. So I just want to say that it's okay, in that case. .? That you don't have to live with someone just because they are important to you or because they are the love of your life, or for any emotional reason at all... Society teaches us to put so much importance on the relationship escalator (google it if you are not familiar with the concept?) and to measure the "seriousness" and importance of a relationship to you in terms of willingness to ride that escalator. And even most people who opt out of marriage or kids tend to still sign up for cohabitation and sleeping in the same bed every night as a matter of course... But that doesn't mean one has to do it that way, if that isn't right for you. So just saying that is something to keep in mind as you continue to figure yourself out, and to not just assume that if you like someone enough or feel close/comfortable enough with them it will not be a problem (and hence, conversely, not to assume that if it is problem, that it is automatically because there is something wrong with you or them or your relationship with them.) Now, the financial aspects of not being able to afford your own private living situation... Now that is a problem, and not really one I can help with, naturally... I know this is the case in far too many places in the world (not where I live, luckily...) , and I can only wish you luck and hope you can eventually figure out some way of arranging living arrangements you are more comfortable with!! Thank you @andever for posting this, I feel similarly about sharing space, and many things mentioned, glad there are others out there who understand. 😄 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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