Closet ace trying to deal with a variety of complications arising from interaction with sexual friends

[Zatara]

Hi all, I'm an ace man interested to hear how other people dealt with similar situations... 

So I've never told anyone I'm ace, since it's almost an unheard of thing in my relatively traditional community/country. I don't see the point in telling anyone, because 1) I don't feel any need for it to be known, 2) I know it will reach (via gossip) people who will misunderstand and pester me about it, 3) it will similarly cause misunderstandings with potential (though highly unlikely) future romantic partners, which I don't seek but absolutely don't rule out. 

The problem bugging me is that none of my friends can even conceptualize asexuality, I think. As it's been nearly 10 years since the end of my last known relationship (a topic for a different, darker post...) my loved ones are all reaching weird conclusions that make me increasingly uncomfortable.

For example, when I moved in for a year with my best friend of the last 20 years (i.e. most of my life), and he realized he never saw me bring home a girl, he started hinting - heavily - that he "knows" that I'm gay and he's "ok with it". Which is such a frustratingly sexually biased conclusion - I've never in these 20 years shown any inclination towards men. My sister, mother, and grandmother have hinted similar suspicions, but not as heavily as that close friend.

More recently, and much worse, two of my best female friends - really close friends of over 10 years - suddenly started (separately) hitting on me, but really intensely. When I rejected them they apparently decided I have something personal against them (and I tried to be so kind!!!) and our relationships, which I cherished, are seriously deteriorating. 

Anyway, it's becoming a burden, but I still feel that coming out would be a heavier burden, so would love to at least hear how other people dealt with comparable situations.

[Shii]

It's hard to know in advance what will happen. I've told only a handful of people IRL, and they've all reacted differently. I'll give you a few examples.

 

Person 1. A male friend I've known for 10+ years: He was very open to all kinds of sexualities, and was a pansexual himself. I didn't make a big deal out of it or ask to be treated any differently, just  said "So it turns out I'm asexual". He asked me a few questions, which all amounted to "Are you sure?", and then simply stopped talking to me. I've since learned from online friends that it's not entirely uncommon for men to be friends with women based on underlying sexual attraction and hopes that something might happen in the future, and I guess that's what happened here. It became obvious to him it would never happen, and since he had no real interest in me as a person, there was no reason to keep talking to me. It was jarring, but ultimately he wasn't a true friend anyway, so no real loss.

 

Person 2. A female cousin: We were discussing relationships, and I casually mentioned how it might be hard for me to find a partner after discovering I'm asexual. She asked a few questions about what it was like. I tried to describe the different types of asexuality as best I could, and she started questioning if she could be demisexual herself, or whether that was just a natural aspect of female sexuality. We've never talked about it again, and she treats me the same as she's always done.

 

Person 3. A male friend: We do not talk too often, but when we do it can get quite deep. We were discussing a hypothetical dating scenario, and something about his take made me suspect he might be asexual too. This is a delicate matter, because on one hand I absolutely don't want to "diagnose" people with a sexuality type, simply because it might seem that way. On the other hand, I don't want them to remain unaware of it being a possibility until well into adult life either, which was the case for me. I decided to come out to him right then, to explain how my opinions were influenced by me being an asexual. Turns out he was already pretty certain he was aromantic, and questioning whether he was asexual too. Our conversations are still the same. The only change is that we now sometimes send each other asexuality memes.

 

I personally don't care much about labels. The most important thing is that I understand myself better now, but I'll continue to open up to others when it feels right. Sometimes my sexuality is relevant, most of the time it's not, but it does feel nice to have at least a few people who know about this aspect of me. Asexuality can be pretty confusing, even to asexuals, so I try not to assume malicious intent right off the bat. I welcome "stupid" questions, because they're a chance to learn as well as educate, and I enjoy the straightforwardness of just asking plainly about something. At any rate, I think it's going to be hard finding acceptance for something if you simultaneously neglect sharing what you want acceptance for. You could say "I just want to be alone. Don't mention this again. Period.", and they would have to respect that, but people cannot truly understand without the why.

 

In your case it (understandably) feels bad that your best friend assumes you're gay when you know you're not. However, if we try to see it from his perspective, he's probably just trying to help his friend by being open and accepting about what he perceives to be the problem. Deeper understanding comes from learning about it, so I would definitely consider opening up to him, if it's safe for you to do so. As for your two female friends, I have no clue what they are up to. Maybe they've conspired together and decided to try to sexually awaken you or something? I agree this is unacceptable behaviour. Trying to casually flirt to see if it's reciprocated is one thing, but pressing it is not OK.