Het vs gay romance in media

[Alexexe]

I was going through a forum here and found an interesting thread on feelings toward straight couples and just different relationships in general

 

I need to preface this by saying that I'm super dense when it comes to identifying straight relationships being set up in shows, books, etc. There have been so many times where I'm enjoying a piece of media and seemingly out of nowhere two characters will kiss, or make an obvious romantic gesture, and I'm left wondering when these two characters even interacted before. I've gotten better over the years at identifying what is supposed to be interpreted as "romantic" cues (don't get me wrong, I'm a romance-positive aro!) but straight relationships always seem so flat and shallow. But when it comes to gay couples, it's way easier for me to see how much characters like and trust each other, but in the end they never get together because no 😕  whereas straight couples barely have any meaningful connection yet the whole time we're supposed to be rooting for the pairing

 

Over time, I've realized it's because the bar for straight couples is unbelievably low. All you have to do is make two characters of the opposite sex stare at each other for a few seconds while soft music plays in the background and BOOM. They're In Love™. I don't even know how people can find it romantic, to me it seems shallow, how can you be in love with someone `you don't know? 

 

On the other hand, gay couples (especially mlm) do a lot more convincing that two characters actually love each other, and it makes the whole relationship way more meaningful. So I'm even more confused when two same-sex characters trust each other, have each other's backs, tell the other everything, and don't end up together in the end. I find it way more meaningful than when a canonically straight couple likes each other physically, maybe shares a serious conversation, and then gets a happily ever after. 

 

To be more specific, I gravitate more toward mlm than any other relationship. Maybe it's because I've barely consumed any wlw media, but I've been trying to figure out why I find it so much more appealing and actually romantic. Straight couples not only feel shallow, but a lot of the time feel unequal; I honestly resent the whole "big strong man" and "damsel in distress" gender roles straight couples have going on. A relationship should be equal. Gay couples don't have this issue. When it comes to mlm, the characters feel more...dynamic(?) than if it was a wlw. Something about the way male characters are presented in media, or maybe in society in general, but male relationships (whether platonic or romantic or whatever) feel more open than any other pairing. They're usually more expressive or intense than say, a female relationship, and way more interesting than a straight one because there's no obvious second intention of wanting to date/have sex in a heteronormative society. 

 

Point is, the question of "why do I find mlm so appealing??" has led me to question my sexuality, but at the end of the day, it hasn't changed. If anything, I've narrowed it down. I'm still aroace, now with the addition of wanting a qpr of with "whatever those two guys have." Mlm relationships seem so much more fun and energetic and it's like actually being friends with your partner. It's something about the way men carry themselves and treat each other in relationships makes me want the same thing.

 

Long ramble but I needed to get this off my chest one way or another!

[Philip027]

I don't know what you mean by relationships being "equal" exactly, but the way I see it, most relationships simply aren't, so that sort of thing shouldn't be your benchmark in determining a "realistic" fictional romance.  People aren't gonna be carbon copies of each other and expecting us to be so is wholly unrealistic.  What matters is all participants in a relationship being satisfied with what everyone is bringing to the table, not overly concerning themselves with making sure their contributions are equal.  I would be in a state of constant insecurity and self-doubt if I were to concern myself with "equality" with regard to my own relationship.

 

I also would advise against basing your own relationship desires/expectations around what you see in the media, regardless of what kind of relationships (straight or gay or otherwise) are being depicted.  These depictions are meant to entertain, not provide a template to base real-world relationships off of.

[Ceebs]

I have so much to say here but I'm in a pretty good mood and I'm gonna hang onto that. 😂

 

Suffice to say that people shouldn't project their feelings and experiences (or their feelings based on bad things they've heard about some other people's experiences), let alone stuff they've seen in the media that very often doesn't reflect real life, onto others or onto specific types of relationships or people of certain sexual orientations. I'm in a very happy, healthy, loving, respectful, and not at all shallow heterosexual relationship with someone who's my best friend and it means the world to me. I'm very grateful for what I have. It's also not advisable to assume that all same-sex relationships are automatically superior in some way. Idealisation and generalisations are never good things. I was in a same-sex relationship that made me feel like I wished I was dead sometimes. Can't personally speak to gay male relationships because I'm not a gay or bisexual man, but there's literally zero chance that they're always happiness and rainbows and puppy dogs. It sounds like whatever media you're consuming doesn't reflect the potential for any of these things.

 

Anyway, glad you got that off your chest, I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[dumpyfrog]

it IS annoying when shows make characters of the opposite sex fall in love for seemingly no reason.. but then again i've seen the same thing happen with lgbtq characters, though definitely more with straight characters because of the prevalence. i guess because the friendship bar is expected to be passed first if the characters are the same sex so the connection seems stronger. nowadays i don't think there's much of a bar anymore for any sexuality in media though and that is kind of annoying. 

[binary suns]

I find "In love" is two things - one is to know them very well after multiple years and to love them deeply. The other is passion of a new relationship when the person is wonderful and beautiful and you can't get enough of them

[Picklethewickle]

I do find het relationships in media are a bit slap-dash. It's like "you know they're going to fall in love, you know that's the only reason we have opposite sex characters existing in the same space, so let's say they're in love already."

 

For some reason, I've encountered more mlm than wlw, even though I don't seek either out. The mlm I've seen comes in two varieties, the first being the creators have to prove the characters are gay by making them have sex as soon as possible, which comes across as a bit insecure. The second is they put a lot of emphasis on trying to show the characters are emotionally more than just friends, which is probably what you are refering to when you mention a more developed relationship. For wlw, it seems to have more of a "and they were roommates" feel. Maybe creators feel they have to work harder to prove mlm. Maybe they feel wlw are less dynamic.

[Mult]

Holding back the urge to shit on How Harry Met Sally—

 

I understand what you mean. I really hate it when straight relationships happen because people simply expect it and not because the characters actually make sense.

 

I almost walked out of the theatre during 007 Spectre because Bond is a creep who sexually assaults a lady and Ms Swan spends have the movie saying she doesn't want anything to do with him to suddenly throwing on a dress and wants to f*ck him.

 

Furthermore, gay relationships have to jump through hoops to "justify" why they exist. When they simply exist, people b*tch about how it's not enough to "prove" that they should be together. There are dozens of straight romances that make no sense besides "man and woman can't be friends because they want to have sex"—and oh, back to How Harry Met Sally. I had to watch that movie for a high school psychology prep course, and I absolutely ripped it a new one in that class. The guys says men and women can't be friends because they want to have the sex, the woman says that is not true and then they have sex. That is the movie. Why did they fall in love? Because they're of the opposite sex and audiences simply expect them to.

 

The documentary about meerkats were more interesting and applicable to family dynamics which was what the course was about. There was drama too! The daughter of the matriarch had babies with a meerkat from another family which was warring for territory with her meerkat family, so the matriarch was heading to kill the daughter's babies. I haven't seen other episodes, but the emotion, the drama, the family dynamics were all much more interesting than the movie about a man and women who have sex because of course they do.

[previously known as aroace]

There this weird belief that if two people are too close or too supportive then they must be "siblings" regardless of them not being related nor having grown up as siblings. A lot of people believe that without conflict, a relationship cannot have "chemistry".

 

"Chemistry" being defined as whatever fits their OTP the best and whatever can put down their NOTP.

 

Two characters support each other and do everything together? "Sibling coded"

 

Two characters just meet and disagree? "Sexual tension"

 

What they want is the two (what I would call) life partners to split up and have babies with the first opposite sex character they meet. Because platonic relationships are a barrier to romantic ones and aren't a real connection./s

 

I've come across a lot of media where the dedicated friends are so much more platonically involved with each other than being romantically involved with their spouses. And sometimes when one or both of the friends never shack up with someone, people start getting up in arms. And then you get the "next generation" stuff where they have to pair all the spares because children.

[Skittles87]

On 2/11/2024 at 5:51 AM, Alexexe said:

When it comes to mlm, the characters feel more...dynamic(?) than if it was a wlw. Something about the way male characters are presented in media, or maybe in society in general, but male relationships (whether platonic or romantic or whatever) feel more open than any other pairing. They're usually more expressive or intense than say, a female relationship, and way more interesting than a straight one because there's no obvious second intention of wanting to date/have sex in a heteronormative society. 

M/M romance is way more popular than F/F, so you're not alone. I've come to the conclusion that there are two main reasons for this:

 

1) Most romance media is consumed by women, and the majority of women are attracted to men. Even those of us who aren't into dudes have been socialised to think of men as objects of desire. So romance fans are generally more "excited" by M/M.

 

2) The mainstream media trivialises female friendship, female desire, female feelings, and pretty much anything female. Platonic relationships between women are portrayed as two girls giggling and shopping together. Romantic relationships are sometimes fetishised, sometimes dismissed as experimentation. Whereas two men having any kind of bonding moment is portrayed as something profound. 

 

I know this sounds cynical, and the last thing I want is to shame anyone for preferring M/M romance to romance involving women. People like what they like and should be free to enjoy it. You also make a good point about het relationships seeming forced - having het romance shoved down our throats every day could make anyone tire of it.

 

But I've heard a lot of fellow writers complain about how difficult it is to find an audience for any kind of queer content that isn't M/M romance, and I do think it has something to do with sexism in media.

[Mult]

1 hour ago, previously known as aroace said:

"next generation" stuff where they have to pair all the spares because children

 

Literally the worst.

 

Why did these characters get together? Well, because babies and because people are allergic to singles or childless relationships.

 

An applause for Kakashi and Gai from Naruto who dodged the Next Gen bullet to live out their bromance. An inspiration for everyone everywhere.