No idea what my sexuality is

[Perfect Moniker]

Howdy folks. I've been all over the map I think. I identify currently as bi. I'm middle-aged now. Many times in my life I have had a high sex drive. I enjoy sex with both men and women. I just don't feel attracted to the people I have sex with mostly. Some are friends, some are strangers, some are people I was dating. 

 

I've had strong physical attraction maybe five or six times in my life. I know it's possible. Other people I talk to have told me it's inconceivable to them to have sex with someone they're not attracted to. They also seem to be attracted to a lot of people. I can tell when someone is good looking but that's not the same thing as being attracted to them. 

 

I just don't want to live a sexless life and if I waited until I was attracted to someone (who also wanted to have sex with me) it could be a decade before I have sex again. I could get into relationships with people I care about but am not attracted to but it seems dishonest. It also feels incomplete. Statistically though, I'm not sure there's ever going to be anyone for me. It makes me sad. I can't even really parse my own situation so I have no idea who I'm looking for or how to go about it. I would like to have a life partner before I die.  

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Perfect Moniker🍰

 

Welcome. And take your time finding what works for you.
I think it's not great to base yourself off of how others are, because everyone's different. If you want sexuality as part of your relationships then you can try to have that, though I would think that maybe you can open your ideas of sexual attraction because people don't just have it on impact, sometimes getting close to someone will change how you view them, especially if sexuality is part of someone's intimacy or love language. There's also other ways to have intimacy, and sex can matter less to some people (including without even being on the asexual spectrum). You can find what feels best to you, and it's ok to explore and gain experience too. Once you feel something makes sense, a lable can come later.

I took a lot of years before I settled on a label. I've had a small amount of sexuality but in the end it's not important to me and prefer to be with someone who either isn't sexual or doesn't 'need' sex as part of relationships, because I can't match normal sexuality. So I connect with the graysexual label after all this time, but I didn't try to limit how I could be, I just followed what I wanted and eventually this is what made sense to me. So just be true to you :).

[LeChat]

@Perfect Moniker Hi. Welcome! 

 Thank you, for sharing that.

 

If it helps, there are various labels you could check out. As an example, here are some members' posts, where they discuss being "bisexual aromantic." I don't know if you'd feel that'd fit you (only you'd be able to determine your orientation). It just thought I'd help mention it as another possible label you might be interested in reading more about.

 

Showing results for '"bisexual aromantic"'. - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

 

Bi/Pan people how did you know that you were bi or pan? - Romantic and Aromantic Orientations - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

 

This includes some members' experiences as demiromantics.

 

The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5) - Romantic and Aromantic Orientations - Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

 

(Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi! I'm just letting you know your thread was moved from the Welcome Lounge to the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum.

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge, Announcements, and Alternate Language moderator