Being Ace/Demi in (Queer) Nightlife

[dikokayat]

I’m not sure how many people will relate to this, but it’s been on my mind lately. Does anyone relate at all? I really enjoy live music, including electronic (mostly house and techno, as I am a Midwestern-born and raised person). Though I wouldn’t consider myself a ‘club kid’, I do like to go out dancing and losing myself in the music (and now that I’m older, I always bring earplugs to prevent tinnitus!) Stereotypically, I feel this scene is often associated with sex, whether it’s just innuendos or allosexuals looking to meet up.

 

I’m a bit new to outwardly proclaiming my ace-ness, but last Pride I actually had a related epiphany. I went to a late night sapphic Pride event at a nightclub, and I found everyone so aesthetically pleasing. At this time, I moreso identified as pansexual, in the classic “well my feelings towards all genders is the same so I’ll go with pan- or bi-“ fashion, rather than considering perhaps my feelings were the opposite (ace). However, internalized societal expectation had me keep asking myself, will someone approach me interested in hooking up? In that moment, I realized I was holding a lot of internalized allosexual thoughts, that if someone found me hot that night, that I would feel validated in my queerness. I also began to spiral a bit, questioning myself: if I find all these people beautiful, how come when I try to imagine sex with them, my mind draws a blank?

 

 Months later, reading Ace by Angela Chen, the dedication made me cry and brought me back to that moment at Pride. “For those who have wanted to want more”. I wanted to want more so badly in that moment. All my friends are vibrantly queer and polyamorous and seemingly find partners with ease. I think I felt/still feel some jealousy, as I believe I am demisexual and quite honestly impatient and sometimes wish I liked someone way faster. I still have a hard time talking about coming to terms with my ace-ness due to unlearning all the BS acephobia I was exposed to as a teenager on Tumblr, claiming that being ace is inherently slut-shame-y (I highly disagree!) However, in the times since reading more about asexual experiences, it’s been really nice to just go out and dance with friends and only focus on how good of a time we’re having together. Perhaps this is a conclusion I could’ve came to entirely outside of my sexuality itself, but still, the weight off my mind still feels good.

 

 Sorry if this ramble was all over the place, but yeah, tl;dr - super weird to be ace/demi in a space that feels very pro-allosexual/hookup culture, but trying to learn to love it/myself ❤️

 

 oh and for background: tbh I have always considered that I was/am actually ace for the past 10 years, but  I often received the advice that “I just needed to try out more sex” or “maybe you’re a lesbian and just need to have sex with women” or “maybe you need to explore your own solo sexual interests first”. i (literally) fucked around and found out that no i was right, im def somewhere on the ace spectrum lol

[rubyBlueberries]

The sort of hookup culture around places like clubs is a big reason I never got into nightlife in my late teens/early twenties. I just didn't like the idea of being flirted at by strangers or people sorta assuming I came out looking for a fling. The idea of just going out to dance and vibe with a bunch of people and just have a good time without any of that awkwardness sounds lovely, though.

[Minhaaaya]

I also often go to clubs (techno only) and while i agree that normal hip hop clubs are kind of stressful when it comes to flirting and stuff, i seriously love the techno scene for how flirting and sex is handled. When i went to hip hop / normal clubs, men had such a weird attitude where you couldn't be left alone and thats honestly where i relate to you needing the validation. it always felt like I needed the flirt to feel like the night was a "good" night. Mind you i was also a few years younger where a lot of self respect depended on that.

 

I've been to a kinky techno party out of curiosity and like I said, the way they handle sex and consent is much better but i also felt this loneliness that i just dont connect with anyone the way everyone else does and lately it's been on my mind more often again. Part of me still holds onto that little hope that i just cant open up or still havent found "the right person" and all the other things you described:) i guess as long as i havent found the solution that I'm happy to accept, i'm kind of in a loop with my self acceptance. 

 

Is your queer club scene different than the hetero club scene? I kinda feel worse in the queer scene because a lot is being done more openly and i always get the feeling that i would love to participate but my body just doesn't want to while I can ignore my jealousy most of the times in the hetero / not strictly queer clubs..

[DemonicEnby]

Difficult to say, I myself am more of the goth variety, if you want to mention clubbing scene and that is a bit unsual to the usual settings anyway, as far as I remember.

 

Otherwise, well, my last experiences going out were at least plus ten years ago, discounting festivals and was with my best friend, who is gay, and well. I was always the odd one out but embraced that, so seeing me in a club for gay men exclusively was not that much out of the norm, the bartender knew me by first name? And I never hat problem as such and sure, idiot's came up and wanted something - turned them down by turning away XD. But was always a bit protected as I rarely went anywhere alone and when I did was never approached, dunno why.
 

And in the goth/metal scene, well, never had such problem there? Though arguably back then in Austria I at some point knew about everyone and didn't give a flying monkeys ass who I went home with and that was always voluntary, so. Well. Gender didn't matter back then and doesn't now, so I am really not much caring either way. Though I might just have been incredibly lucky with meeting the folks I did, that might be a factor as well.

Though I would claim to have a good head on my shoulders and a bit of an intuitive knowledge on human nature, so maybe just lucky to not have yet happen a disaster to me? And I always tend to go with my gut feeling, as of nah, not recommended, I am gone. And well, seems like a good idea later seeing it was?