Depression has really hurt my relationship

[BigBassFox]

I went on a date today with my partner and I felt so tired and burnt out. My depression has made me so tired, uninterested in what I love, anxious, irritable, and unable to make decisions. My partner kept asking me to decide on what to do while on the date and I was getting genuine frustrated. I'd told him before that my depression makes me unable to make decisions all the time, but he kept asking for decisions. He asked me in the car on the way home, "Are you done making decisions" to which I replied "I was done when we got here." I genuinely could not enjoy myself during the date because I was having to make decisions. Most of the conversations I have with my partner on dates are just flirtatious and I really wish that he would have more in depth conversations with me because these conversations we've been having just don't hold my interest anymore. I don't feel anymore joy from my relationship but I know that's just the depression talking. I just want to be me again.

[Philip027]

47 minutes ago, BigBassFox said:

I don't feel anymore joy from my relationship but I know that's just the depression talking.

Are you sure it's just you?  From where I'm sitting they don't sound like they get you at all.

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Are you sure it's just you?  From where I'm sitting they don't sound like they get you at all.

Absolutely this, yep.

 

You may well feel even worse because of depression stuff (I know all too well how that goes, how it colours everything else in your life and makes it so you're not necessarily thinking clearly and with a healthy perspective), but it really sounds like you and your partner don't have that deep of a connection. A good relationship needs to include a whole lot more than flirtatious banter.

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, BigBassFox said:

He asked me in the car on the way home, "Are you done making decisions"

That's asinine, but:

 

I'm willing to put on the "what's behind this" hat instead of just saying he's being a dick to you, full stop. It could be that he's sensitive, defensive, insecure in some way which makes him feel like being asked to make all the decisions is somehow a threat he needs to snidely lash back against.

 

What if this were re-framed by asking him to HELP YOU when you feel like this by AVOIDING pushing your buttons by expecting you to do something you aren't in shape to do? That would probably reveal whether he completely just doesn't give a fuck and doesn't want to take care of you like a partner should.

 

Meanwhile you could also ask him, what is it about being asked to make decisions that has him bristling unpleasantly back at you? How does that make him feel, why is it so negative for him to be in that position, even when you need him to because you can't right now? And then just be there to listen to what he says. Without any expectation of doing anything about it. You don't have to fix it. But giving it a listen and then just showing him that you heard what he said could go a long way to defusing this pattern.

 

If the two of you want to continue, the two of you might get somewhere by daring to be vulnerable with each other - both of you. I get that what I described sounds an awful lot like "working on relationship stuff" and might sound like something you really don't want to do while depressed, or while simply not feeling the relationship at all these days. I just wonder, as of right now, would it be any easier than the alternatives: Dumping him, or enduring his vapid passive aggressiveness, or avoiding anticipated conflict by shutting down even further.

 

A funny thing about depression is that taking action has a way of breaking it down, and very often, taking the actions we're afraid to take turns out to not be as difficult or negative-consequences as we feared.

 

 

[Fraggle Underdark]

Only you were there but personally I read "are you done making decisions" as a friend realizing they had probably asked too much, rather than someone being mean. Only you can determine if you're asexual if that seemed considerate.

 

From what I recall you're young and I assume they are too so maybe you're both relatively new to dating. I agree with some of what other people have said but could also read what you said as your date just being nervous and struggling to feel comfortable making all the decisions, despite you saying that's what you want.

 

So all I'm really saying is listen to yourself and what your own read is telling you. But like some others have said, you might as well have a deeper conversation, if nothing else at least about the depression and openly discussing its effects. If all you guys are there for are flirtatious banter, then it kind of seems like a waste of both of yours time.