A logically good oportunity

[MydOg]

As with every post I make, I need to preface this with a bit of context. I'm aro/ace, and for the longest time, I never wanted any kind of relationship. When I realized I was aro/ace, I was glad that I wasn't allo. I thought I could live happily alone for the rest of my life. I didn't mind the idea of a life partner, but I wasn't going to actively seek one out or even think about it much  Recently, as I've begun to branch out and realize that I'm not as introverted as I thought, I've realized that I might not do so well once my friends move on with their lives and can't hang out as often. Because of that, I've started to wish that I was allo, or at least demi (romantic and sexual). I'm still glad that I'm not because that opens the door for a lot more problems, but part of me wishes that I could be happy and comfortable in a "normal" relationship. But I know that I can't. A platonic partner, or some otherwise non-standard relationship is still on the table, though. Of course, the chances of finding someone who is both compatible and open to a non-romantic, non-sexual relationship are slim to none, right?

 

Recently, I've begun hanging our with one of my friends from my main friend group more than other friends in the group, let's call him Queen. We get along pretty well, and our interests and values align pretty well. I enjoy hanging out with him. He's allo, but recently, when the topic of reltionships has come up in the group, he's talked about how he doesn't necessarily need a romantic or sexual relationship, and that he's taking some time to figure out what he wants. For context, when I first met him, about four months ago, he had just gotten out of a relationship with a problematic person, and the whole thing was kinda messy. Anyway, we're all out for winter break right now, and we've texted everyday since the break started, sometimes for hours. Our messages have become increasingly complimentary, and I'm starting to realize that if someone else saw them, they might consider it to be some weird form of flirting. This of, course, was not my intention. When I text, I often try to match the tone of the person I'm texting, and in this case, that has led to the both of us exchanging elaborate and exaggerated praise and compliments. Last night, we got into a discussion about how we wish that people weren't expected to have traditional relationships. All this is to say that I think that if things continue, and we discussed it, we could form a QPR. Perfect right?

 

Unfortunately, I fear that it would be wrong with me to go through with that for a few reasons. First off, as I've been considering this, I've only been looking at this from a logical perspective. We get along very well and it seems like we want similar things in a relationship--this is the perfect opportunity! Despite the odds, you've managed to find someone that you could see yourself with and who's willing to have an atypical relationship! The problem is that I don't feel an emotional desire or connection. We're a bit closer than some of my other friends, but I just don't feel much else. That wouldn't be a problem for the kind of relationship I want, but it could be for him. Obviously, if things actually wind up progressing to the point that I mentioned, this is something I will make clear before committing to anything. Unfortunately, in the interest of openness and honesty, I would have to bring up the second issue, which I'm not so comfortable sharing with my friends.

 

The lack of any sort of emotional or tertiary attraction might not be as big of an issue if I was incapable of feeling those things. Unfortunately, I can experience platonic attraction, and currently have a squish on another friend of mine, Red. I know that Red and I are not compatible beyond friendship, and I don't want anything like that with him; I just want a close friendship, and I'm content with how we are now. He too has texted me nearly every day since the break started. Our conversations aren't as long as me and Queen's, and they have largely consisted of strange hypothetical scenarios (yesterday, I may or may not have been a giant bear-eating salmon who was the product of lab experiments and who escaped during some major incident at the lab). I don't that it would be okay for me to enter a relationship without attraction while I'm currently feeling attraction for someone else. I would have to explain all of this to Queen but I'm not really comfortable discussing my platonic crushes with others.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that. I'm not necessarily looking for advice or anything. If things progress with Queen, I will be sure to be upfront about everything and communicate my needs, wants, and concerns clearly. I would, however, be interested in hearing what others think about entering a relationship without strong feelings involved or any other thoughts you had while reading this.

[CoolK]

I think it would be a bad idea to enter a relationship with Queen when you have feelings for Red.

[Man with a Mandolin]

I feel like I need more information about the relationship with Red to really make a call. 

 

I think it wouldn't hurt to spend some extra time simply being friends with either Queen or Red, and not trying to force a relationship to happen. 

The other question is, are either Queen or Red looking for a bigger relationship than what you already have? It looks like Queen isn't sure what they're looking for, and it seems like you're fine with where you stand with Red. ("I'm content with how we are now.")

 

On 12/18/2023 at 12:40 AM, MydOg said:

I would, however, be interested in hearing what others think about entering a relationship without strong feelings involved or any other thoughts you had while reading this.

I don't really know what it feels like to enter a relationship without strong feelings because that's not something that has ever happened to me. But I'm also not aromantic so I have different experiences that way. (Also I've only had one person who was really interested in a relationship with me but that's neither here nor there)

 

The other thing that comes to mind, and this probably doesn't have anything to do with anything, but I am autistic, so the idea of the "I've only been looking at this from a logical perspective" felt very familiar and made me wonder, and I did see in another post that you had discussed the possibility of being autistic, although you didn't necessarily consider it a strong part of your identity. Not really relevant, just "other thoughts I had while reading." 

Here's a thought, what if you did a pros and cons list? I've done that before for relationship type stuff. I think you could make a list of pros and cons (just for yourself, this isn't anything you have to share with anyone, ever) of having a relationship with Queen vs whatever kind of relationship you're looking for with Red. 

 

There's also something you can do for yourself that might be even less helpful but I had a therapist who recommended it to me once. 

You make a list of things that you want out of a relationship (or in this case a QPR) and give each of them a weighted score. 

So for me, I have "someone I can talk to for hours" as my number 1 and I gave it 30 points. And this list can change over time, there's nothing wrong with that. I made two lists in 2019 and hadn't touched it again until recently, and I didn't remember what I had last time. 

I also have things like, "Doesn't make me feel bad about myself" and "is okay with me being asexual" on my list with various point totals, usually 5, 10, or 15. Other than the 30, the highest other things I have are 15. 

Anyway, you end up with a list of things that are the most important to you, and you want to make sure that your total is less than 100 points. The wiggle room between your total (I think mine is 75 or 80) is for anything else that's for you to find out when you find the right person. (Trying to remember exactly how he phrased it but this conversation happened in 2019 so it's been a minute) 

Anyway, you could make your list and figure out how Queen would stack up against that list. If they can meet most of what you want, then maybe you want to pursue a deeper relationship. If they don't fit what you're looking for, you don't have to pursue anything with them. And it seems like Queen is still figuring out what they want as well. Maybe it would help them to make themselves a list. 

 

I know you're not necessarily looking for advice, and it's been a number of days for more developments to happen, but those are my... well, probably more than 2 cents. Probably more like a quarter. 

[MrDane]

Just don’t promise more than you are actually willing to try to keep. And don’t hide important information which would be vital for someone to make adult, informed decisions.

[MydOg]

Here I am with the late updates as now seems typical for me. Here, I'm only going to provide an update on the things relative to the initial purpose of the post. Some new developments that are only partially related came up today, but I will make a new post to discuss those.

 

Anyway, without further ado... I'll start chronologically. Shortly after I made this initial post, I found out that Queen had begun "talking" to someone, immediately causing me to think that I had read too much into it. It didn't really affect me that much other than in that I felt embarrassed and conceited for thinking that.

 

Then, some number of weeks later, school started back and everybody is back on campus. I hung out with Malik a few times, and one night we went on a walk together. On the walk, we discussed similar things to what we texted about, and I reiterated my same worries about not having a "someone" in the future. We chat some more and part ways. After I get back to my dorm, I get a message from him proposing a similar thing to what I mentioned in my initial post: if when it's time for us all to go our seperate ways, neither of us have found what we're looking for, we can talk and work something out. He assured me that he has discussed with his now girlfriend that their relationship is not expected to be a long-term thing and that he has no plans to settle down. If things keep going with them by the time graduation comes around, the offer is obviously void.

 

Anyway, I agree that that could work if we wait and see and make clear our needs and wants. I assume that, like me, he is looking at this in more of a logical way, but last night (in the midst of things I'm saving for the new post) he admits that he has a "platonic crush" on me, after I admitted to him that I have a "platonic crush" on Red.

 

Anyway, this part of the situation is going about as good as it could. My next post will focus a bit more on things with Red, and there it gets a bit messy.

 

Thanks for listening