Do I have to tell him?

[Akiko]

Hi everybody,

First I want to say that I am so thankful for this forum (although I mainly read and don't interact so much, sorry for that). I'm still in the process of realizing that I am asexual and that I was all my life. And it hurts to think about what I put myself through just to be some kind of "normal". And all of that because nobody believed me...I was gaslightet by society and I am sooo angry sometimes. But that's the past and I now need your help with my present life.
I'm in relationship with my partner for about 13 years now. A long time and we've gone to a lot together and I love him very much. When we met, we both could have said "You met ma at a very strange time in my life..." (It's a quote from a movie). I don't want to go into details here but although we both weren't looking for a partner and were not in  good place mentally we fell in love and three years later we moved in together.
But to my question - Long story short: We had a lot of sex in the years but after some changes it got rapidly less and now we haven't had sex for about three years. We talked about it two years ago (before I understood that I am asexual) and although I was very confused at that time I already told him that it's possible that I don't want sex anymore (he can have all the sex he wants but not with me ) and since then the topic never came up again.
I've come to a point where I'm quiet sure that I'm asexual and that I don't want to have sex in the nearer future. It's just not a part of beeing me.
The Question (sorry, took me a while):
Do I have to tell him I am asexual?

Please give me your thought's about it, I don't have anybody to talk about this.

Thanks in advance
Akiko

(English is not my first language, please have mercy )

[ace of spaces]

I would say yes, if you feel comfortable doing so. Was he understanding when you said you don't want sex anymore?

[Akiko]

25 minutes ago, ace of spaces said:

I would say yes, if you feel comfortable doing so. Was he understanding when you said you don't want sex anymore?

Oh, important thing I forgot: No, I don't feel comfortable doing so. I fear that he reacts like all the other people in my life did and that he doesn't believe me. It would crush me. I would tell him if the topic ever came up again but do I have to do it? I'm happy in our relationship and he seems to be, too. All my needs are met.

[Liara]

If you have already told him you don't  want sex anymore, asexuality label must not suprise him.

[cauliSunflower]

 I would say, yes, you probably should. At the very least, so that he doesn't interpret deeper problems into your relationship that have nothing to do with the reality.

 

For a lot of people (me included, and maybe you as well?) the realization that you're ace explains a lot of things that have felt wrong in the past. I wouldn't underestimate your partner's feelings in this. If you haven't had sex for several years, even though you have the impression that he's fine with it, it probably troubles him. A lot of partners of ace people "blame" themselves, like, they think their partner doesn't desire them anymore (not knowing that, honestly, we never did in that way) and that it's somehow their fault. Other people interpret lacking sex as a deeper, profound problem in the relationship and secretly worry a lot. All this is very normal and expectable for sexual people. Honestly, the only possibility I can imagine for your partner really being completely fine with this is if he, too, was secretly asexual.

 

1 hour ago, ace of spaces said:

Was he understanding when you said you don't want sex anymore?

That would be an important question for me, too. It could foreshadow how he might react if you told him this new piece of news now. He might already suspect it, anyway.

 

I mean, factly, it probably won't make that much of a difference in your daily life, if you've been having a happy relationship for years now without having sex. But I think it's still important to talk about how you both feel about it, and not just assume that everything is fine. That might backlash one day.

 

P.S.:

 

"I fear that he reacts like all the other people in my life did and that he doesn't believe me."

 

That's very understandable, I had the same fear. How does he usually react to things he doesn't know? You could start by saying that you want to tell him something that's very important to you and ask him to hear you out before saying something. Then, you can do your best to explain asexuality as a concept in a really understandable way, and explain how you personally experience it. If you don't feel comfortable explaining the basics, you could ask him to read up on asexuality, maybe even on AVEN, before you talk about it further. If he asks you questions, that's great because it shows that he wants to understand you. You've been with this person for a long time and he's had mental health issues in the past, which often (in my experience) leads to people being more open to things that are "different". It would be normal if he reacts confused and you have to clear some things up - you can't expect a sexual person to know what asexuality feels like without explaining it to them. Same way I wouldn't expect a cis-man to know what it feels like to be a cis-woman without an explanation.

[Liara]

You don't have sex anymore for years and you have told him you didn't want to. He accepted it.
If you tell him you're ace and he is surprised... then it can mean he was not really fine with the sexless situation and always hoped it would change.

[nanogretchen4]

He already knows that you don't want to have sex with him and therefore you won't have sex with him. Not wanting to have sex with him because you are an asexual, i.e. a person who naturally has no desire to have sex with anyone, is less bad from his point of view than any of the other reasons you might not want to have sex with him. Pretty much all the other reasons blame him, imply that he is a sexually undesirable person, or imply that there is a deeper problem in your relationship. I think you should tell him that it's just your orientation so he doesn't maybe go through life believing any of that.

[uhtred]

If you are not having sex with him, telling him you are asexual is far kinder than making him think that there is something wrong with him that you don't desire him anymore. (a very common reaction when sex stops in a relationship).  Talk to him, figure out if he is actually happy, or just living in silent misery.

[,.,]

.

[KVA1983]

Yes, you should tell him. One of two reasons: You are both in a partnership and it might be a way of opening a closer communication and understanding between the both of you.

 

Secondly, you have nothing to be ashamed of by being true to yourself but equally as hard as it will be it means both of you can access what the future may hold. Regardless of what happens, always be true to yourself I hope everything works out

 

 

[EmeraldIce]

5 hours ago, Akiko said:

But to my question - Long story short: We had a lot of sex in the years but after some changes it got rapidly less and now we haven't had sex for about three years.

What changed? Were you actually okay with having sex back then, or were you just putting an act? I'm curious as to what changed to make you go from "a lot" of sex to complete celibacy. Most people who are not sex-repulsed are okay with having sex once a month or every couple of months at least, if it helps their partner be happy. Most people who are sex-repulsed find it very difficult to be able to force themselves to have truly frequent sex. So I'm curious about how you went from what you qualify as "a lot" (which for most would be several times a week) to none at all. If that's the case, there seems to be more to it than asexuality alone.

 

5 hours ago, Akiko said:

We talked about it two years ago (before I understood that I am asexual) and although I was very confused at that time I already told him that it's possible that I don't want sex anymore (he can have all the sex he wants but not with me ) and since then the topic never came up again.

How did he react? Know that just because someone likes and wants sex doesn't mean they're okay with sleeping around. Telling them that 1) you don't want sex with them, and 2) you don't care if he sleeps around, can read to them as you're no longer in love with them. When you bring up topics like these, you really need to emphasize time and again that you still love him, and that you've never had sexual desires for anyone else either, so that he understands it has nothing to do with him.

 

On another note, the first time someone told me that her boyfriend told her it was okay to have sex with others while she's studying abroad because it wouldn't be fair to make her abstain for so long, my first thought was that he was likely cheating or wanted to cheat himself. That was my mom's first reaction as well, when I told her. Unless the topic is brought up in a particular way, it risks coming off as you're no longer interested in him or that you want to explore elsewhere yourself.

 

5 hours ago, Akiko said:

I've come to a point where I'm quiet sure that I'm asexual and that I don't want to have sex in the nearer future. It's just not a part of beeing me.

I think if you're committed to not having sex again in any foreseeable future, he should know. Being okay with it for a month, a few months, even a few years, is not the same as committing to it for life. Also, I think it could alleviate some worries for him if he was concerned about the state of the relationship. Again, you need to let him know that you still love him, want to be with him, and that you don't want sex with anyone else either. Many people also associate sex with love, so it may be hard to wrap their mind around how you can still love him without wanting sex with him, or how the relationship can be worth it if he's not getting the one thing in the relationship that bonds couples in a different way than friendships and family ties. It's his choice as to whether the relationship is still worth holding onto.

 

4 hours ago, Akiko said:

Oh, important thing I forgot: No, I don't feel comfortable doing so. I fear that he reacts like all the other people in my life did and that he doesn't believe me. It would crush me. I would tell him if the topic ever came up again but do I have to do it? I'm happy in our relationship and he seems to be, too. All my needs are met.

He's not all the other people in your life though. He knows what your sex life looks like, and that by default makes him different. Guess what, my ex and my husband are the first to mention I might be asexual, because they've been with me and they know me in that capacity.

[Akiko]

Thank you for all your answers, I have a lot to think about now (I should tell him, but now I#m stuck with the HOW?!)

 

7 hours ago, Liara said:

If you have already told him you don't  want sex anymore, asexuality label must not suprise him.

It still would suprise him I guess because he's not that interested in all these "Labels" 😐

 

7 hours ago, cauliSunflower said:

 I would say, yes, you probably should. At the very least, so that he doesn't interpret deeper problems into your relationship that have nothing to do with the reality.

 

For a lot of people (me included, and maybe you as well?) the realization that you're ace explains a lot of things that have felt wrong in the past. I wouldn't underestimate your partner's feelings in this. If you haven't had sex for several years, even though you have the impression that he's fine with it, it probably troubles him. A lot of partners of ace people "blame" themselves, like, they think their partner doesn't desire them anymore (not knowing that, honestly, we never did in that way) and that it's somehow their fault. Other people interpret lacking sex as a deeper, profound problem in the relationship and secretly worry a lot. All this is very normal and expectable for sexual people. Honestly, the only possibility I can imagine for your partner really being completely fine with this is if he, too, was secretly asexual.

 

That would be an important question for me, too. It could foreshadow how he might react if you told him this new piece of news now. He might already suspect it, anyway.

 

I mean, factly, it probably won't make that much of a difference in your daily life, if you've been having a happy relationship for years now without having sex. But I think it's still important to talk about how you both feel about it, and not just assume that everything is fine. That might backlash one day.

 

P.S.:

 

"I fear that he reacts like all the other people in my life did and that he doesn't believe me."

 

That's very understandable, I had the same fear. How does he usually react to things he doesn't know? You could start by saying that you want to tell him something that's very important to you and ask him to hear you out before saying something. Then, you can do your best to explain asexuality as a concept in a really understandable way, and explain how you personally experience it. If you don't feel comfortable explaining the basics, you could ask him to read up on asexuality, maybe even on AVEN, before you talk about it further. If he asks you questions, that's great because it shows that he wants to understand you. You've been with this person for a long time and he's had mental health issues in the past, which often (in my experience) leads to people being more open to things that are "different". It would be normal if he reacts confused and you have to clear some things up - you can't expect a sexual person to know what asexuality feels like without explaining it to them. Same way I wouldn't expect a cis-man to know what it feels like to be a cis-woman without an explanation.

Your answer helped me very much, thanks for that! And I, too, had the asumption that he might be in the ace spectrum (I think he's demisexual but as I wrote, he's not interested in these labels. We talk about we feel with our relationship quite often and are happy together. I even asked if there's something he's missing but he denies it.

 

3 hours ago, KVA1983 said:

Yes, you should tell him. One of two reasons: You are both in a partnership and it might be a way of opening a closer communication and understanding between the both of you.

 

Secondly, you have nothing to be ashamed of by being true to yourself but equally as hard as it will be it means both of you can access what the future may hold. Regardless of what happens, always be true to yourself I hope everything works out

 

 

Thanks for the kind words 🌻 The "always be true to yourself" part is the one I struggle with the most. I want to and I learned to be in the last years (I was in therapy for a long time) and this is the last corner where I feel I just can't do it and that I would lose him for beeing myself. *sigh I'm just really scared I guess.

 

 

3 hours ago, psybx said:

Without knowing you or your partner, for what it's worth, I think you should tell him.  In my mind there's not much point being in a relationship with someone if you are going to keep those sorts of secrets from each other, especially when it's such an important issue.  I know it's easier said than done, but you've already done half the work already.  It probably won't be much surprise to him at this point to hear the term asexual, and he might even be relieved to hear there is a reason.  And then you guys can talk it through and work out where you go next.

It's not a secret, it's just a name for something he already knows. But yeah, I'm going to tell him when I figured out how.

 

3 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

What changed? Were you actually okay with having sex back then, or were you just putting an act? I'm curious as to what changed to make you go from "a lot" of sex to complete celibacy. Most people who are not sex-repulsed are okay with having sex once a month or every couple of months at least, if it helps their partner be happy. Most people who are sex-repulsed find it very difficult to be able to force themselves to have truly frequent sex. So I'm curious about how you went from what you qualify as "a lot" (which for most would be several times a week) to none at all. If that's the case, there seems to be more to it than asexuality alone.

 

How did he react? Know that just because someone likes and wants sex doesn't mean they're okay with sleeping around. Telling them that 1) you don't want sex with them, and 2) you don't care if he sleeps around, can read to them as you're no longer in love with them. When you bring up topics like these, you really need to emphasize time and again that you still love him, and that you've never had sexual desires for anyone else either, so that he understands it has nothing to do with him.

 

On another note, the first time someone told me that her boyfriend told her it was okay to have sex with others while she's studying abroad because it wouldn't be fair to make her abstain for so long, my first thought was that he was likely cheating or wanted to cheat himself. That was my mom's first reaction as well, when I told her. Unless the topic is brought up in a particular way, it risks coming off as you're no longer interested in him or that you want to explore elsewhere yourself.

 

I think if you're committed to not having sex again in any foreseeable future, he should know. Being okay with it for a month, a few months, even a few years, is not the same as committing to it for life. Also, I think it could alleviate some worries for him if he was concerned about the state of the relationship. Again, you need to let him know that you still love him, want to be with him, and that you don't want sex with anyone else either. Many people also associate sex with love, so it may be hard to wrap their mind around how you can still love him without wanting sex with him, or how the relationship can be worth it if he's not getting the one thing in the relationship that bonds couples in a different way than friendships and family ties. It's his choice as to whether the relationship is still worth holding onto.

 

He's not all the other people in your life though. He knows what your sex life looks like, and that by default makes him different. Guess what, my ex and my husband are the first to mention I might be asexual, because they've been with me and they know me in that capacity.

I was okay with having sex (I'm not completely sex repulsed). In hindsight I would say I just gave up. Nobody believed me that I don't want sex so at I point I just thought my feelings must be wrong. The story of my life would be to long to tell here (and too private) but I kind of made sex my hobby and with him it was kind of fun most of the time. I never initiated it and that's why it got less and less.

We always had an open relationship, that's nothing new for him.

And you're right with "He's not all other people...", helps me to see it written like that.

 

Thanks so far!

Akiko

 

[KVA1983]

4 minutes ago, Akiko said:

Thanks for the kind words 🌻 The "always be true to yourself" part is the one I struggle with the most. I want to and I learned to be in the last years (I was in therapy for a long time) and this is the last corner where I feel I just can't do it and that I would lose him for beeing myself. *sigh I'm just really scared I guess

You are most welcome ♥ It's definitely not easy and it's the hardest lesson in the world to truly be free within yourself. Life doesn't come with a handbook and the mere fact you are trying is so admiral. Please do not be hard on yourself, it'll click one day. As it did with me It took a long time for me to realise we've one life, one chance. Why go through it unnoticed x

[Sally]

You and he have already gone through three years -- that's quite a long time -- not having sex together.  From what you say/don't say, he hasn't been obviously upset and is not pressing you to have sex with him, or somehow change how you feel.  He must know how you feel about it.  He doesn't want to deal with labels.  So my opinion is that he doesn't need to deal with labels.  Trying to talk with him about being asexual would simply be telling him what he already knows about you: you don't want sex.  

 

If at some point he does want to talk about it, you could then tell him you've found out that some other people feel as you do -- they don't want sex either, and that that's what called being asexual.  

[uhtred]

4 hours ago, Sally said:

You and he have already gone through three years -- that's quite a long time -- not having sex together.  From what you say/don't say, he hasn't been obviously upset and is not pressing you to have sex with him, or somehow change how you feel.  He must know how you feel about it.  He doesn't want to deal with labels.  So my opinion is that he doesn't need to deal with labels.  Trying to talk with him about being asexual would simply be telling him what he already knows about you: you don't want sex.  

 

If at some point he does want to talk about it, you could then tell him you've found out that some other people feel as you do -- they don't want sex either, and that that's what called being asexual.  

One way that telling him can help is that she doesn't know what is going on in his head.   Many sexual partners of asexuals think that they (the sexuals) are somehow at fault, are not attractive enough are terrible lovers etc.  They can be being silently miserable desperately trying to find out what they can to do "fix" things, where there is nothing to fix.

 

It was a huge relief to me to learn about asexuality because it explained things.   I wish my wife recognized it, but the evidence is clear enough that it doesn't matter