Feeling Unwanted, and Society's Failure in Romance

[Monke Jimmy]

This being modern, liberal, Western society, although I doubt these kinds of problems are absent in other times or similar cultures. 

 

My (gray ace) best friend is a pretty confident, socially active, and attractive lady. We're in a few organizations together and talk all the time. One of the things she confided in me recently was about her feelings about romance. She knows I relate to her in this. She said that she's frustrated that she can't find anyone to be in a relationship with her. She's always the one pursuing and it never goes anywhere. She never approached (romantically) by anyone. As a college upperclassman who has never been approached by a woman, I assumed that for me it's because of the social script where women play a passive role, which is strong even in liberal society. I was surprised that she has the same experience as a woman. 

 

In our following conversation, I said that there are probably a lot of reasons she hasn't been asked out or anything. Maybe people are nervous, don't want to be embarrassed, think she's in a relationship, don't want to be in a relationship themselves, or maybe they're also tired of pursuing and want to be pursued, etc. It seems like everyone is in a relationship, but we tend to overestimate how many people are in a relationship and how many people are happy. There are a ton of lonely people out there, it's just that expressing your loneliness is looked down upon (like I said, even in liberal society). Then, when people aren't in a relationship, men feel bad for not being confident or attractive enough to have game, and women feel bad for not being good enough to get attention. 

 

So what is it, then, that causes this? How come one of our friends gets asked out every other week, and we don't, despite being confident, well connected, attractive (idk about me) etc.? We (I) came up with a couple conclusions:

• There's just some magic element that we don't have, and that we might never have, that denies us from getting noticed. 
• We might as well keep trying to get close to people and seeing if we get lucky. It's better than doing nothing. 
• We might just accept that this is just our life. We can still have great friendships and family relationships, but romance might just not happen. 

 

For me, personally, I go to bed every night lonely. I walk to my car after school wishing that I had someone to walk with me. I want someone to give my time and attention to, and to be honest I want someone to give attention to me. I want to look someone in the eyes and know that we care for each other very deeply. The problem for me, though, is that there's nobody who fits that fantasy. There are plenty of people who I think are pretty, but I don't think I could get close to them or see myself in a relationship with them. I have felt that feeling, though, a long time ago, and I want to chase that feeling somehow.

It's super uncomfortable to ask someone out, too, even if I wanted to. If one day I feel confident enough to ask someone out for the first time in four years, chances are that they won't want the kind of relationship that I do, even with me compromising. Plus, I don't want to be seen as "that guy" who makes advances on a girl. Even just compliments are scary. I'm working on that. 

 

I'm putting this here for the cupioromantics, or the romantic aces, or even the allos who feel lonely. Your feelings are valid and there's no easy solution. Life is just so hard. Most people hear things like this and say "don't worry, you'll find 'the one' eventually." The truth is harder than that. 

We're tough enough to fight through it, though. You can do everything right and consistently fail, and then still be strong enough to show love to your friends. One day maybe we'll find someone who magically fits into our lives. Maybe someone will create a space where everyone can get to know each other better. Maybe we'll discover that life alone with a dog is okay. We'll be okay. We can still find people who share our pain, and I'm grateful that I'm able to share with my friend. 

[MarRister]

I do think some people possess a special charisma that makes them highly successful in the dating world (which does not necessarily mean that also translates to healthy and successful relationships). I think there is a lot to how one interacts with others and body language in general. 
 

I used to work with a girl a few years back now, and she was physically attractive but not amazingly so, but seemed to be able to attract men quite easily. She definitely had some quality that brought people to her. I think with her she had a natural way about her that made people around her feel good and wanted, but it was quite subtle. She was fun and open and I think quite the flirt. 
 

I don’t very often seem to attract others out of the blue, but I’d say that rate has increased since I was younger. I was less confident when younger, more shy, and way more judgemental of others. I think my body language and the general way I came off used to be more off putting for people. I was more aloof and closed off with people and I think people could sense my judgement of certain things even if I wasn’t being obvious about it. And I also was not great with men whom I found attractive. Now that I am more confident I don’t fear the attention of an attractive man, and I can be far more playful and flirty now than I used to be. 

 

I’ve been single forever, aside from occasional casual dating things for 3 months tops at a time. I do occasionally have bouts of loneliness, but often I can be quite content on my own. I think this can be a blessing and a curse when it comes to dating. I don’t feel a need for a relationship, I know I won’t settle or compromise on important values because I know I can be content on my own. I want a relationship, but am not going to budge on much to get that because I don’t need it. But I think this also can make people around me feel like I don’t want a relationship because I can be so content on my own. They don’t feel “needed” by me. I think there are a lot of people out there that like that feeling and it isn’t really something anyone gets from me. 

[Faleeria]

These are questions I have asked myself many times before too. Thank you for sharing your thoights on them. This was somehow comforting and just interesting to read.

[Noctus]

I had been thinking kind of similar things lately and it lead me to a bit of a down mood, though I'll come back around in time. Having someone to just experience life with would be great but I dont really ever actively make any effort, if it happens for me then it does, if it doesnt I'll just keep on how I have been.

[Lord Jade Cross]

There are a few things Im seeing here that could be working againts you without you realizing it. One of the factors is that you seem to be desperate for a relationship. I dont mean that in as an insult or to somehow make you feel bad. Its just kind of how it comes off, and that kind of behaviour can turn away people because it might make them feel that your looking for then to fix you. It shows in the way you interact, how you speak, body language, etc, even if we dont see it at the moment

 

In the same light, I felt a bit of self sabotage happening as I read the post, which is going to hinder your chances because what happens if someone whom youre attracted to finds you attractive as well? Will you turn and run the other way?

 

Again, Im not saying any of this in an insulting matter. I know the dating world isnt exactly a rose field. Its pretty complicated in many ways.

[Monke Jimmy]

15 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

There are a few things Im seeing here that could be working againts you without you realizing it. One of the factors is that you seem to be desperate for a relationship. I dont mean that in as an insult or to somehow make you feel bad. Its just kind of how it comes off, and that kind of behaviour can turn away people because it might make them feel that your looking for then to fix you. It shows in the way you interact, how you speak, body language, etc, even if we dont see it at the moment

 

In the same light, I felt a bit of self sabotage happening as I read the post, which is going to hinder your chances because what happens if someone whom youre attracted to finds you attractive as well? Will you turn and run the other way?

 

Again, Im not saying any of this in an insulting matter. I know the dating world isnt exactly a rose field. Its pretty complicated in many ways.

Well, first of all, we don't have these kinds of conversations often. One of the reasons I don't ask people out is so that I don't look desperate for a relationship. Most of my friends probably don't know that I'm open to a relationship, and a lot of them don't even know that I like women lol. 

Actually... I think only one real life person has heard these thoughts. I think I might have overcorrected for the desperate thing. I should talk to my parents. 

 

I think you're right about the self-sabotage. I'm not sure what to do about it, though. My (imagined) default response to someone being interested in me is to become friends with them. Idk if that would sabotage my chances altogether, but I think it's a good instinct to have. I certainly won't run away, though. That scenario of someone liking be back has happened before, and I went for it. 

[Mult]

As someone who is neither sexual nor romantic, I don't have any experience with feeling this way, but I think maybe an aspect to this issue could be the romanticization of romance.

 

People talk about not having a "spark" or "butterflies" etc but I think companionship is really about the mundane parts of life. Cooking together, doing chores together, spending time together like watching a movie or going for a walk.  My most fulfilling relationship is with my twin sister and we mostly just hang out, lend an ear, do chores and care for our pets, so I don't think filling one's lonely life requires spectacular feelings of passionate romance.

 

From an outside perspective, I think a lot of people want this exciting, mind blowing experience of romantic bliss when reality is mostly full of the mundane day to day. People should look for someone they could see themselves doing things together like washing the dishes or folding laundry.

 

Of course I am someone who doesn't like dating nor romance nor public displays of affection and I don't like being physically touched in any romantic way, so obviously I wouldn't be excited by any of that and am probably  not understating how important those things are to romantic people.

 

I guess it's kind of similar to how people feel about work. A lot of people ask me if I'm happy being a plumber, like, I guess? It's not mind blowing or a dream job, but the work is stimulating and I feel accomplished when I unclog a drain or fix something. I work and then I go home and engage in my hobbies and unwind. A lot of people think we should all be pursuing some big Dream in work or relationships—an ideal of happiness when being content with the less exciting mundane aspects of life can be comforting.

 

A lot of people probably keep questioning whether they are "truly happy" or could be "truly happy" dating a particular person. Obviously it is a big commitment to be in a romantic relationship, but people might be expecting too much and missing opportunities because they're worried they'll miss out on someone "better". Perhaps people find confidence so attractive because they think that there's a better chance to feel the "butterflies" when the other person is more dominant in showing their romantic interest. Like "if they feel so strongly about me then maybe I will feel just as strongly for them?"

 

But do I have advice on the solution to this issue? Definitely not. I have it easy in some ways not having to worry about dating the "right" person because I don't date nor do I want a romantic relationship. Romantic attraction and the desire for a relationship is foreign to me, so I doubt I have the right perspective.