(TW) Sexual Trama/Abuse and Asexual

[LongHaul44]

I (male) am engaged to be married to a wonderful women who I always figured had a dark past.

 

I’ve spent hours writing this and rewriting this so this is the short version.

 

About a month ago it came out that the step father regularly beat the mother and on occasion sexually assaulted the mother which she witnessed. My thoughts were after seeing one picture of this guy, over a year ago, was that he was a monster and I think that at some point he turned his attention to my fiancé.

 

So that revelation confirmed what I suspected, that there was sexual trama or abuse in her past and there are things we’ll need to work through. It can be fixed but it might never be which wouldn’t be her fault it would be his.

 

Now 2 weeks before we get married I figured out this explains a lot but there was something else she said and it was a little telling that she was holding a grudge about a couple of sexual encounters we had, which always had distance to them. I found the distance thing baffling because she could achieve orgasm in a variety of ways.

 

So I ask if she knows about Asexuality, if she’s looked into Asexuality, and if she is Asexual which of course the answer is yes to all. Now this revelation sort of freaks me out because there’s nothing to fix, work on, or person to blame, it is what it is nothing more but it’s a lot.

 

So I’m Anglo and she Mexican and there are slight language barriers but not enough to explain her not telling me about this. I had always been considerate of her space and let her know I wouldn’t cross any of her red lines and no would always mean no.

 

Now if she had told me she was asexual I would have realized whatever sexual contact she was offering was a big compromise on her part and that whatever she was offering was the only thing on the table and not foreplay to something more.

 

So now I’m lumped in with the past boyfriends and girlfriends that pushed too hard, thought one great orgasm could cure her, said they could accept it but all found out they couldn’t which lead to horrible breakups.

 

I feel horrible about how I handled those encounters not because I did anything bad but had she told me about her Asexuality we could have worked within her comfort zone and I would have realized the compromise she was making and appreciated it. She knows had she told me I would have never crossed any lines and I’m not going anywhere.

 

i just need to understand if she’s indifferent to having sex like I’m indifferent to playing basketball but willing to go out a shoot baskets with her for an hour. Will she ever get past her anger at me for being like everyone else and let us try to have a limited sexual relationship again?

 

That’s the question because being indifferent doesn’t explain everything and I really hate basketball but still do it once or twice a week. I think that the giving so much in her past relationships to try and work out the sexual side has left her with some scars that she is now applying to me.

 

She’s in her early 40’s a romantic person who likes holding hands, cuddling and kissing but even though she can achieve orgasm isn’t interested in it at all, alone or with others.

 

That’s the hard road I chose to walk down and it’s to late to abandon her, but it is frustrating that I always said give me the bad news first and the really bad news before that because I then can make a better plan. She could have told me day one and I would have still found common ground because having great companionship trumps everything for me.

[Olallieberry]

59 minutes ago, hardlabor4u said:

it’s to late to abandon her

What do you mean?

 

”Abandon her” makes it sound like you feel obligated or that she somehow won’t survive.

 

Were you using this expression more in the sense of writing off the relationship you’ve invested so much into?

 

Or because you feel like as a practical matter the wedding can’t be canceled?

 

Or something else?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @hardlabor4u

 

It sounds like there needs to be more communication in the relationship, since also in your case the things you're wondering only she could answer, and it is true that it's important enough to mention being asexual to a partner sooner than later, that said it's possible the fears she has around sex is what kept her from mentioning it, thinking she has to give in to sex in relationships despite her feelings around it, or who knows what her feelings are at this point, but whatever the case may be, it's a new revelation that might change things. Two times per week of doing something that's not just something she's not into but carries bad feelings due to the past is too often. I'm sex favorable as someone graysexual and I'd have trouble with 2 times per week in the long run, so maybe that gives an idea that you should really not expect a normal rate with someone asexual, and if she's either averse or has bad feelings around it you'd have to rely on when she's genuinely ok with it, but for all that there needs to be good communication and understanding that it's ok for her to be honest about how she feels around it, and more. It can be a much more delicate situation than a sport, if you know what I mean.

 

And even though you might feel it's too late to reconsider the relationship, or something in it, you don't have to be with someone if you're sexually incompatible, or you can delay the wedding for now until you understand what you want considering this new info. If you want to try to make it work, it's definitely important to be understanding, not expect sexuality, and really working together and ideally you can be honest with each other, etc.

[LongHaul44]

Sorry 2 times a week is what we do with basketball and in no way an expectation to be matched with sex.

 

i think the communications were repressed because of the fear of abandonment (her words not mine) that I would run if she told me. 
 

At this point we both feel like it’s a fresh start and I’m trying to manage my expectations. I believe her when she says she’s relieved and looking forward to a new start.

 

i realize that only she will be able to answer whether or not the bad feelings will be put behind us or if it will be the limiting factor in what we do sexually going forward, but I was wondering what someone else would think on this. Thank you.

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, LongHaul44 said:

whether or not the bad feelings will be put behind us or if it will be the limiting factor in what we do sexually going forward

With less than two weeks till the wedding, my thoughts are that now is the time to get really clear about whether either of those uncertainties could result in outcomes which you won't be able to live with.

 

Can you live with her unresolved bad feelings?

 

Can you live with zero sex together? Or zero sex at all, if she doesn't want to participate in any and doesn't want you to have anything extramaritally?

[LongHaul44]

1) We’ve talked before and since and it’s a monogamous relationship both ways regardless.

2) Companionship is required by me at a high level if some type of sexual relationship is no longer possible. We have had strong bonds on everything but sex and communication. She feels that now that I know and understand her asexuality communicating will be easier moving forward. She has been much more relaxed since our initial conversation and understands my need for companionship and feels we have always had it and now without the worries she had we will have that again.

 

I feel that I believe her and trust her and can only guess that sharing something as personal as being asexual with some who is not, after she fell in romantic love with me, should get a pass on not wanting to bring it to the forefront. Thank you for taking the time today

 

 

 

[Vorps]

2 hours ago, LongHaul44 said:

We have had strong bonds on everything but sex and communication

Pardon the possible bluntness, but those are pillars upon which relationships are built. And those without the former are often tested to the extreme on the latter (at least for mixed orientation like yours).

 

Excluding those two things as current strong points just weeks ahead of a wedding is troubling. I'm hoping you're able to find a workable solution.

[LongHaul44]

No need to be sorry for being blunt, communications I agree on but while I thought it was abuse that made it difficult for her to communicate it was the fact that she thought I would run if I ever found out she was asexual.
 

The sex pillar I’m a little confused as to your meaning, we are talking about someone who is asexual and a victim of some kind of sexual trama. I’m like okay with masturbation if she can’t get back to where we were because there could be a lifetime in figuring that out.

 

So I’m focused on communication and companionship as pillars in moving forward with our wedding and she understands that.

 

Right now we’ve covered more ground on needs, wants, and expectations than ever before. So everyday communications were never a problem, the questions of needs, wants and expectations had always been dodged and for the first time she has opened up about this.

 

As far as sex goes it’s not a deal breaker but the thing that confuses me if it doesn’t hurt or make you miserable and if the only thing is indifference would you do something that you’re indifferent to that makes the person you love happy? She’s not ready to answer that and it’s okay whatever the answer is but it’s a question that should have an answer.
 

We’ve decided to take sex off the table for now and will explore what is possible sometime in the future. We have gone in depth about companionship which was more important for me.
 

I’m fairly certain that the person I enjoyed having sex with the most in my life was a truly horrible and evil person and I was okay with that. I feel much better being with a truly wonderful person who makes me better and challenges me to do more than having sex with her.