wanting a male to find me desirable, but not do much in terms of acting on it ... ?

[Guest]

Just updating this post to say thanks to everyone for your support, and I think I am no longer looking for what I originally posted about. Abridged version of original post below:

 

I am new to AVEN, and I am also still figuring out exactly where I fall on the asexual spectrum. The closest thing I have found is reciprosexual.

 

I believe I am aromantic. I do not experience very much aesthetic or sexual attraction myself, but I feel the strong desire to have someone find me sexually and aesthetically appealing. However, my face structure has a bit of sharp angles and such that do not fall into the traditionally attractive category.

 

 

[KVA1983]

Welcome @Lupyn 

 

I can definitely relate to wanting the aspect of being desired, although I find the opposite sex appealing I wouldn't say in a sexual manner.

 

I would say I've quite soft features but opposites attract, quite a lot of people with sharper features can be very attractive it's about bringing out the features you want.

 

My nose is quite broad I've always disliked it so I tend to use makeup to give the illusion of a more slender structure. 

 

Honestly everyone whether soft or sharp feature always feel they aren't tradionally attractive because we are critical of ourselves we don't see what others see in us.

 

Just be who you are comfortable being and attraction will follow as for a safe place perhaps someone who comments might have ideas.

 

[nickolekuebler]

Welcome to Aven. I hope that you find the community here that you are looking for. I do know how you feel with the not being conventionally attractive, I always feel that I am super ugly. I have the big brow bone that comes out over my eyes so when I wear eyeshadow you cant even see it and that is the part of my face that makes me feel most dysphoric. I also have a large muscular frame so I feel like I look too masculine. I would like to feel pretty or desirable, but I am just too lazy most of the time to try to do so. I think though that someone should see me for me first and like me not the fake made up me that is trying super hard. 

[EmeraldIce]

I'm sure there are plenty of people who find you attractive, physically or otherwise. We're our own worse critiques. Not to mention, everyone has a different preference and no one is on the exact same page as to who is more attractive to whom. Many people also find someone more physically/sexually attractive after they get to know them are are drawn to their smile, mannerisms, etc. Who knows? Sometimes it's exactly the thing we're most self-conscious about that others find the most attractive.

 

This said, I don't know what you're expecting. Most decent people will not tell you that they're attracted to you unless they have reason to hope for a relationship with you, because they risk making any interactions you have with them awkward. Most decent people also will not want to come off as sexualizing you even if they're sexually attracted to you. Those who will come out and blatantly say it are usually the creeps you run into on the streets. And you can't be the one to ask people about it either, because that is essentially leading them on, because people will read that as you coming onto them.

[Ceebs]

That seems like a bit of a tall order.

 

Not trying to be rude, but I don't how many men you're going to find who will become sexually aroused by a completely non-erotic photo of you and want to interact with you simply to tell you they're turned on and then have nothing come of it. There are people who will find you attractive even if you're not conventionally so, but I feel like it's unlikely that you'll attract attention from anyone to the point they'll become aroused without sharing images that aren't at least somewhat suggestive. 

[chrząszcz]

AVEN seems to be the place for such discussion. In case you prefer to be less public about it, there are relatively private chatrooms and telephone calls organized by related groups. I don't know about very many of them; perhaps you would find some in the meetup mart section.

 

Is this the sort of thing you seek? If not, could you elaborate on what you seek in a safe place to explore the interest?

 

Anyway, I will comment on my sense of attraction. Perhaps it is of interest to you.

 

I never understood how people can judge the attractiveness of other people. When people would do it, I used to think they were joking or making fun of others or lying for other reasons. Only very recently did I realize they were serious.

 

Compared to me, other people seem to be attracted much more strongly and to much more specific characteristics. I think most of my preferences wouldn't be visible in a photograph; for example, I seem to find happy people attractive.

[Bumgorf]

I find it very interesting that you want to be sexually desired by men but you do not experience it yourself nor do you want to have sex. As I understand allosexuals do get turned on by people who are fully clothed. And I am pretty sure somebody has been or is sexually attracted to you. So I am wondering, do you want men to verbalize it to you? About physical attractiveness, I think it is not about having a certain feature or features. Women who have plastic surgery to get the perfect nose, lips, eyes, jawline, cheeks do not look perfect or in many cases not even attractive. You say you have sharp features, well  that's something a lot of women strive for by having buccal fat removal and by having chin, cheek implants  

[Ceebs]

6 minutes ago, Bumgorf said:

As I understand allosexuals do get turned on by people who are fully clothed.

Well, some do, sometimes. I've never become physically aroused just from looking at a person, including a naked one.

 

It's kind of a stereotype based on horny young men. It happens to some people for sure, but it's not a thing that all sexual people experience.

 

(Not the main point of the thread, I know. Just saying.)

[Bumgorf]

26 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Well, some do, sometimes. I've never become physically aroused just from looking at a person, including a naked one.

 

 

I suppose allosexuals are also on the spectrum

 

[a little annihilation]

have you tried reading fanfiction and the like? there's lots of them directed at the reader, and they come in whatever level of sexually explicit or not your heart could ever desire.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Ceebs said:

That seems like a bit of a tall order.

 

Not trying to be rude, but I don't how many men you're going to find who will become sexually aroused by a completely non-erotic photo of you and want to interact with you simply to tell you they're turned on and then have nothing come of it. There are people who will find you attractive even if you're not conventionally so, but I feel like it's unlikely that you'll attract attention from anyone to the point they'll become aroused without sharing images that aren't at least somewhat suggestive. 

Yes. I do understand how totally contradictory it is, which is why I've been struggling with it. I do know that there are a lot of women who receive unsolicited private-parts images from men based on profile pictures, so I guess my thoughts were somewhat derived from that ... Also just sort of wishful thinking and trying to sort myself out.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, ilikethefallingapart said:

have you tried reading fanfiction and the like? there's lots of them directed at the reader, and they come in whatever level of sexually explicit or not your heart could ever desire.

I have, actually 🙂 I do have a handful of sexually explicit novels that appeal to me, but I feel that I am wanting a bit more than that at this point.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

I'm sure there are plenty of people who find you attractive, physically or otherwise. We're our own worse critiques. Not to mention, everyone has a different preference and no one is on the exact same page as to who is more attractive to whom. Many people also find someone more physically/sexually attractive after they get to know them are are drawn to their smile, mannerisms, etc. Who knows? Sometimes it's exactly the thing we're most self-conscious about that others find the most attractive.

 

This said, I don't know what you're expecting. Most decent people will not tell you that they're attracted to you unless they have reason to hope for a relationship with you, because they risk making any interactions you have with them awkward. Most decent people also will not want to come off as sexualizing you even if they're sexually attracted to you. Those who will come out and blatantly say it are usually the creeps you run into on the streets. And you can't be the one to ask people about it either, because that is essentially leading them on, because people will read that as you coming onto them.

Yeah, I don't know what I am expecting either, honestly.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, chrząszcz said:

AVEN seems to be the place for such discussion. In case you prefer to be less public about it, there are relatively private chatrooms and telephone calls organized by related groups. I don't know about very many of them; perhaps you would find some in the meetup mart section.

 

Is this the sort of thing you seek? If not, could you elaborate on what you seek in a safe place to explore the interest?

 

Anyway, I will comment on my sense of attraction. Perhaps it is of interest to you.

 

I never understood how people can judge the attractiveness of other people. When people would do it, I used to think they were joking or making fun of others or lying for other reasons. Only very recently did I realize they were serious.

 

Compared to me, other people seem to be attracted much more strongly and to much more specific characteristics. I think most of my preferences wouldn't be visible in a photograph; for example, I seem to find happy people attractive.

A private chatroom might work. I'm not entirely opposed to sending explicit images, I just am not sure about the safety of doing so. When I've tried researching which websites might be safe for such exchanges, everything seems iffy.

[chrząszcz]

I think I understand your request a bit better now. Is my interpretation below correct?

 

Publishing pictures of oneself can be dangerous on the internet, but if it could be safe, you would want to share pictures of yourself as part of exploring your interest.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, chrząszcz said:

I think I understand your request a bit better now. Is my interpretation below correct?

 

Publishing pictures of oneself can be dangerous on the internet, but if it could be safe, you would want to share pictures of yourself as part of exploring your interest.

Yes, I think that is a reasonable interpretation.

[jay williams]

I think people should always try to look their best. This does not mean look their "hottest," or most provocative, etc. It means to dress with nice clothes, not drab or dumpy clothes. Forget about makeup, unless there is some little touch that makes you look a little better.
You can try something that mildly accentuates some body curves.
Nearly every woman gets at least some unwanted attention. You just need to learn to discourage the unwanted attention, and to encourage wanted attention. 

[EmeraldIce]

9 hours ago, chrząszcz said:

I never understood how people can judge the attractiveness of other people. When people would do it, I used to think they were joking or making fun of others or lying for other reasons. Only very recently did I realize they were serious.

Wow! This resonates so much with me! I understand the vast majority of women hate being catcalled, but it wasn't until recently that I realized people hate it because they don't like being sexualized by random strangers, not because they perceive it as making fun of them like I always did. And yes, unless they were good friends, I'd assume anyone expressing interest was joking or lying.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, jay williams said:

I think people should always try to look their best. This does not mean look their "hottest," or most provocative, etc. It means to dress with nice clothes, not drab or dumpy clothes. Forget about makeup, unless there is some little touch that makes you look a little better.
You can try something that mildly accentuates some body curves.
Nearly every woman gets at least some unwanted attention. You just need to learn to discourage the unwanted attention, and to encourage wanted attention. 

I appreciate your input. I have received some attention. I've dated a few people in my life, but they did tell me that they did not find me attractive even when I dressed up etc. At best I've been told that I am not unattractive, but not their type. I have received some unwanted attention too, but I'm not sure that it was based on my appearance more than just the situation.

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, Lupyn said:

A private chatroom might work. I'm not entirely opposed to sending explicit images, I just am not sure about the safety of doing so. When I've tried researching which websites might be safe for such exchanges, everything seems iffy.

It's got nothing to do with the chatroom and everything to do with the human being receiving them. I guess you'd have to trust them not to do things with your pictures you wouldn't want anyone to do.

[Guest]

So reading all of these, I think I'm realizing I'm a bit too worried to do anything on like a private chatroom. But I think what I am going to do is update my profile with a profile picture. It is from about 10 years ago, but my current appearance is not too different other than my hair color. I'm going with that picture because that was a timeframe when I got a lot of putdowns about my being unattractive. My facial structure looks a bit more sharp/blocky in front-on photos than in that photo.

 

Honestly, I think I'm just trying to counterbalance all of the negative comments I've received about my appearance over my life. I guess I don't have to sexualize it by searching for aroused males.

[EmeraldIce]

3 hours ago, Lupyn said:

So reading all of these, I think I'm realizing I'm a bit too worried to do anything on like a private chatroom. But I think what I am going to do is update my profile with a profile picture. It is from about 10 years ago, but my current appearance is not too different other than my hair color. I'm going with that picture because that was a timeframe when I got a lot of putdowns about my being unattractive. My facial structure looks a bit more sharp/blocky in front-on photos than in that photo.

I think you look amazing in your profile picture.

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, EmeraldIce said:

I think you look amazing in your profile picture.

Thank you!!

[nickolekuebler]

@Lupyn I think you look beautiful in your profile pic. 

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, nickolekuebler said:

@Lupyn I think you look beautiful in your profile pic. 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words ☺️

[cbs123]

Anything else negative from your old boyfriends? Anything else going on? Doesn't sound like a good place if they were giving comments like that.

[Guest]

45 minutes ago, cbs123 said:

Anything else negative from your old boyfriends? Anything else going on? Doesn't sound like a good place if they were giving comments like that.

Yeah. They were pretty unhealthy relationships.