What did u do before u realised u where asexual (ect.) That was obviously asexual (ect.)?

[The Paracosmist]

TW: someone talking about s*x, not any details tho.

Most queer ppl will probably have an experience before u found out, that's was like, how did I not know I was ___!? This topic is a place to share and discuss your experiences!

 

My main experience to do with asexuality was when I was in school. I was sitting at a table with about 4 other kids. Somehow, the conversation went onto, when r u gonna have s*x? Everyone but One person and me said awkwardly, once they r married. One person said "imma have s*x as soon as i can, idc who with" (which is not the main point but rlly weird). When it came onto me I said "I'm not having s*x any time in my life, and if I want kids I'm adopting". My friend just looked at me like 👁👄👁.  So yh, that was very obvious lol.

 

(Also ik this is probs the wrong place to post this, I just didn't know where else to do it).

[Janus the Fox]

Realising a complete lack of anything over time.  Interest, attractions, desires, libido apart from any kinks and having a late puberty.  24 is the age I'd identified as Asexual the first time, reflecting on the past 10 years before that as well.  Nothing in experiences or inclination toward guys or girls.

[Mult]

In middle school when a boy asked me out, I told him that I wouldn't be interested in dating until highschool—I thought that I would be interested in highschool because a lot of kids media is focused around romance in highschool.

 

And then I got into highschool...yet still I had no interest. I kept using excuses to turn people down but eventually I was invited on a date that I didn't realize was a date until I did and bailed out on him. He was a friend and the fear of turning him down actually brought me to tears because I had no way to articulate why I didn't want to go out with him. I told him that my parents didn't allow me to go (I actually did ask my mother and she was fine with it but I actually wanted her to say no). But eventually he asked me out to prom in a very sweet way and I just could not muster the courage to turn him down despite really not wanting to go to prom. 

 

Most people skip out on school on prom day but I did not because I was a very committed student when it came to attendance, but I ended up getting hit by a car that morning. Luckily nothing was broken, but I scraped my knees and sprained my foot which swelled up. I was very lucky that my foot hasn't got caught in the wheel of the car that ended up on-top of me (it was a collision between two vehicles that ended up on the sidewalk where a bunch of us students were waiting to cross).

 

After X-rays at the hospital, I did actually go to prom although I had to wear flats and use crutches. He picked me up from my house and everything, but although I tried having a good time, I just couldn't.

 

It was apparent to me that I should feel happy towards this person and everything should be great, but on the inside it just wasn't. I just knew that I didn't like being on a date, I didn't like the way people saw me as part of a relationship, I didn't like the expectation of reciprocated feelings, I didn't like the label of being a girlfriend, I didn't like any of it. Honestly I just wanted to hide away from all of it. I wanted to say no but I couldn't figure out how to say that without hurting his feelings because what I was feeling had nothing to do with him.

 

If I had known what asexuality and aromanticism was, I feel like I would have been able to articulate myself better and be able to tell people why I was feeling the way I was and how it didn't reflect on him as a person. I just hate the culture around dating being so antagonistic where those who are rejected are seen as not worthy or not good enough and those who reject people are seen as mean or cruel. 

 

Even later in my life after graduating university and starting a new job, I still have issues with turning people down but not for the same reason. Now it's that people don't understand or don't believe my reason. I've mentioned it before but I turned down an old childhood friend by telling her I was uninterested in relationships and she still tried to change my mind, and then the coworker who said he'd always love me after I rejected him a similar way (please no, I don't want to hear it).

 

I still wish that I don't have to deal with it at all. 

[The Paracosmist]

@Mult It sounds like you've been through alot.

 

There's such a lack of information and knowledge about asexuality and aromanticism, And its so sad to see the ppl who have felt broken, wrong or just have no reason for how they felt at the time. And because of the lack of education many ppl critize, shame or say something like "you just haven't found the right person yet". 

 

Anyway I hope you have a good day/night!

[TheTurtleMoves]

Someone asked what body types i found most attractive and I didn't know how to answer. I didn't just not know my answer, I didn't know how one would even figure that out or what to say.

 

 

 

 

[Mult]

2 hours ago, The Paracosmist said:

@Mult It sounds like you've been through alot.

 

There's such a lack of information and knowledge about asexuality and aromanticism, And its so sad to see the ppl who have felt broken, wrong or just have no reason for how they felt at the time. And because of the lack of education many ppl critize, shame or say something like "you just haven't found the right person yet". 

 

Anyway I hope you have a good day/night!

Thanks 🙌

 

Emotionally it was hard during that time. I thought it would be better if I felt the way I was supposed to. If I'd been attracted to girls, I could have been able to identify that I didn't like guys specifically, but not being interested in anyone threw me for a loop.

 

Everyone says that you will become interested so much so that years later my university gave out free condoms in the dorms and my dormitory leader looked at me like I grew a second head when I said I wouldn't need any (I still had the free ones they gave to everyone at the start of the term anyway, so why would I grab more condoms that I won't use).

 

It's so important that kids get educated on the existence of different sexual (and romantic) orientations other than what's generally expected because otherwise we can't identify or articulate what's different. It's really disorientating when things don't happen the way you've been brought up to expect.

[Mult]

2 hours ago, TheTurtleMoves said:

Someone asked what body types i found most attractive and I didn't know how to answer. I didn't just not know my answer, I didn't know how one would even figure that out or what to say.

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah, one time I was at a girls' party and there was like eight of us sitting in a circle where the topic was which celebrity we would have sex with.

 

I was honestly bewildered by the fact that I had never considered this and I got really nervous trying to come up with a celebrity (but I've never been into celebrities so I couldn't think of anyone's names). I felt like I was in the middle of a pop quiz. When the question came around to me, I was like "uuuuuh, I guess that guy" and I pointed to my friend's Supernatural poster. I dunno the actor's name and never really watched the show. This answer seemed to have been recieved well and I thought "Aha, yes, a normal answer."

 

And then my sister responded that she wasn't interested in sex with any celebrity. I was taken aback because saying that didn't even cross my mind as I was so worried about participating "properly". Our friends accepted that answer too, and I thought "that was an option?!"

 

This was all before that whole thing with my guy friend asking me out and going to prom. Somehow nothing about that clued me in to the fact that I wasn't interested in anyone of any gender. I've never really seen celebrities as part of one's sexuality? I never even looked up to any celebrity as a role model either. I suppose that they felt more fictional than real to me.

[Lizzy95]

The two things that still really stand out to me, was when I was actually pretty young, around nine and ten. 

 

The first was in a children's club, where the leader read a story and apparently there was a reference to sex (I think it was 'sleeping together', but I'm not sure anymore) and everyone started giggling, except me. I remember so well, because after the club, the leader took my mother and me aside, and told my mom about it and that she should give me some education on sex (apparently she thought I hadn't been told anything about it). So my mom said to me something like "we've talked about this right", and I was just like, "yeah, but I didn't know they were meaning that by it". And I remember that I still didn't get why everyone had been giggling about it like that. 

 

The second was at school. I had been starting to become friends with a boy from my class. And the girl 'friends' I had, apparently thought that was *impossible* and told me I should start dating him. I had no interest in that whatsoever, and didn't want to 'kiss him' or 'hold his hands', as they clearly thought I should be doing. I just wanted to be friends. Since I didn't do anything, they told him he should 'ask me to be his girlfriend', which then he did. I remember how awkward I felt and how much I wanted to tell him I didn't want that, and just wanted to be friends. But my 'friends' were standing right there, and I really didn't want to reject him in front of them, so I said okay. We never did hold hands or kiss or anything, but he did talk me into going to an afterschool art craft group. After like two months, he broke up with me (as is so normal at that age, plus it wasn't like we were doing anything 'relationship like' anyways), but that also meant - according to my 'friends' - that we couldn't be friends anymore. And while again I didn't really feel the need to listen to them, I guess he did, as we weren't friends anymore after that. Or maybe he just didn't wanna be friends anymore, idk. I have hated since then, that society tells us that boys and girls can't be 'just friends'. I didn't want to listen to it then, I don't want to listen to it now. 

 

Later in high school there were probably many things that should have alerted me. But these are two of my earliest memories around this. Maybe because I didn't get it, but also I think because from those moments on, I realized that society had certain expectations that you were supposed to adhere by. 

[LateToAce]

Every long term relationship, with men I really cared about and who were excellant in bed, there would be this panic when I knew the expectation was there to have sex. Every date would end with me feeling resistant and trying to put it off as long as possible, and feeling more and more uncomfortable. Of course, weighing my rising panic against the black mood I would get in return if we didn’t have the s*x that was anticipated. 
 

I didn’t know enough to identify asexuality as the cause, which is really too bad, but it’s a huge relief to know I never need to feel like that again. 

[Mult]

4 hours ago, Lizzy95 said:

I have hated since then, that society tells us that boys and girls can't be 'just friends'. 

I hate this so much.

 

And I hate that dumb movie "How Harry Met Sally" that I had to watch in a Psychology prep course in high school. The documentary about Meerkats was significantly more interesting than that crappy movie. I did get to rip into it in class saying it sets up the question "can man and woman be fRiEnDs" and just concludes "no, they have the sEx". I thought it was the most obnoxious movie with the most obnoxious characters.

[Theoryal]

I definitely never caught on to much of the innuendos or stuff that made other people snigger.  I've always thought they were reeeeally stretching it, like seriously? anything remotely cyllindrical is a male body part? like why would you constantly be jumping to that????????? So confusing.   I never liked sex scenes in movies, never found naked bodies attractive.  I always liked my 'grandma underwear' and didn't want to wear 'sexy' clothes.  But then again I was mostly around very polite and conservative people so although I knew I was different from popular culture, I wasn't seen as strange to dress modestly and avoid movies with naked people and not make crude jokes.  So I didn't really have any idea until I'd been married a while and was struggling not to start talking about the grocery list during sex.  

 

I made a tradition of tucking my husband into bed.  He is an early morning person and I'm a night owl, so I'd literally tuck him in.  I'd make sure his blankets and pillows were just right and the fan at a good angle and his water cup where he could reach it and give hugs and kisses and turn out the light, and then come back out of the bedroom to finish my evening and if other guests were there who didn't go to bed early too then I'd get these looks or comments and I felt sooooo awkward about that.  

[The Paracosmist]

12 hours ago, Lizzy95 said:

The two things that still really stand out to me, was when I was actually pretty young, around nine and ten. 

 

The first was in a children's club, where the leader read a story and apparently there was a reference to sex (I think it was 'sleeping together', but I'm not sure anymore) and everyone started giggling, except me. I remember so well, because after the club, the leader took my mother and me aside, and told my mom about it and that she should give me some education on sex (apparently she thought I hadn't been told anything about it). So my mom said to me something like "we've talked about this right", and I was just like, "yeah, but I didn't know they were meaning that by it". And I remember that I still didn't get why everyone had been giggling about it like that. 

 

The second was at school. I had been starting to become friends with a boy from my class. And the girl 'friends' I had, apparently thought that was *impossible* and told me I should start dating him. I had no interest in that whatsoever, and didn't want to 'kiss him' or 'hold his hands', as they clearly thought I should be doing. I just wanted to be friends. Since I didn't do anything, they told him he should 'ask me to be his girlfriend', which then he did. I remember how awkward I felt and how much I wanted to tell him I didn't want that, and just wanted to be friends. But my 'friends' were standing right there, and I really didn't want to reject him in front of them, so I said okay. We never did hold hands or kiss or anything, but he did talk me into going to an afterschool art craft group. After like two months, he broke up with me (as is so normal at that age, plus it wasn't like we were doing anything 'relationship like' anyways), but that also meant - according to my 'friends' - that we couldn't be friends anymore. And while again I didn't really feel the need to listen to them, I guess he did, as we weren't friends anymore after that. Or maybe he just didn't wanna be friends anymore, idk. I have hated since then, that society tells us that boys and girls can't be 'just friends'. I didn't want to listen to it then, I don't want to listen to it now. 

 

Later in high school there were probably many things that should have alerted me. But these are two of my earliest memories around this. Maybe because I didn't get it, but also I think because from those moments on, I realized that society had certain expectations that you were supposed to adhere by. 

Yh I remember in school, especially primary and the start of secondary, when we were doing s*x-ed and everyone giggled. I was like why would anyone giggle, its so disgusting?  I would dread going every week, especially cause the diagrams would get stuck in my head and I would have to try and get them out. But I'm pretty sure that was also signs of me being mentally ill lol.

 

Another experience I had in primary school was when I was talking with some people and they where talking about crushes. I didn't know what they where so u said a boy that I had been talking to for a bit, he was literally the only boy in my class that wasn't weird to me and he was super sweet. But after that I had to live with ppl teasing me for it (even my mum 😭😭😭, but i dont thunk she was being that serious) and they never believed me when I said I didn't they were like 'oh rlly?'. It was very annoying then lol, and maybe when I see the friends I'm still in touch with i'll tell them.

[The Paracosmist]

38 minutes ago, Theoryal said:

I definitely never caught on to much of the innuendos or stuff that made other people snigger.  I've always thought they were reeeeally stretching it, like seriously? anything remotely cyllindrical is a male body part? like why would you constantly be jumping to that????????? So confusing.   I never liked sex scenes in movies, never found naked bodies attractive.  I always liked my 'grandma underwear' and didn't want to wear 'sexy' clothes.  But then again I was mostly around very polite and conservative people so although I knew I was different from popular culture, I wasn't seen as strange to dress modestly and avoid movies with naked people and not make crude jokes.  So I didn't really have any idea until I'd been married a while and was struggling not to start talking about the grocery list during sex.  

 

I made a tradition of tucking my husband into bed.  He is an early morning person and I'm a night owl, so I'd literally tuck him in.  I'd make sure his blankets and pillows were just right and the fan at a good angle and his water cup where he could reach it and give hugs and kisses and turn out the light, and then come back out of the bedroom to finish my evening and if other guests were there who didn't go to bed early too then I'd get these looks or comments and I felt sooooo awkward about that.  

Ugh, that reminds me of primary school again. Cause this group of girls would use innocent, gullible little-me to make sex jokes and then laugh at me. And I only realised like yrs later they where sex jokes. Some examples where do u like peaches/ cherries (that was like the mist harmless one), and another one was the put the (what ever it was) in the toilet and swish it around (to 'clean' it apparently). But they were just getting me to do the sex symbol. 

 

Also exactly tho?? How is a literall cylinder a (you know what) like huh?

 

Same with the bodies thing. I literally don't get the hype with boobs, but ot even muscles. The first too jsyt make me uncomfortable, Especially cause I don't like my female body anyway.

 

U sound so sweet as well, tucking ur husband into bed, it's so wholesome 😊. It's annoying u have to deal with those ppl giving u weird looks tho. But that reminds me of when I found out ppl have s*x a lot more often then I thought, even if it's just 'with themselves'. I remember watching something they were like how many times a day to u have s*x? The guy was like 'a few... with myself' and I was WHAT! Its not like a rlly one off thing? Huh!?

 

(Sorry if that was alot I realise now that was basically trauma dumping)

[Theoryal]

8 hours ago, The Paracosmist said:

But that reminds me of when I found out ppl have s*x a lot more often then I thought, even if it's just 'with themselves'. I remember watching something they were like how many times a day to u have s*x? The guy was like 'a few... with myself' and I was WHAT! Its not like a rlly one off thing? Huh!?

 

(Sorry if that was alot I realise now that was basically trauma dumping)

No problem, sometimes you need to trauma dump  It's reassuring to others who went through the same kind of thing.

 

I remember in junior high there were these two boys who loved to tease me.  I was definitely the nerdy bookworm type, and they were the super popular ones that the trendy girls had crushes on.  These boys would pretend they liked me and act flirty which struck me as strange and cheesy.  I would just look at them like 'seriously? what is the point of this? I know you're not sincere and I wouldn't be interested anyways so if you're trying to make a fool of me for getting my hopes up, think again.'    

 

My best friend was constantly having crushes on guys and her room was plastered with pictures of guys who were supposedly attractive.  I just thought it was really creepy to have larger than life faces staring me down from every wall.