I made out with someone and now feel Incredibly awful

[tureddruidd]

To get straight to the point - I once made out with the same guy years ago, and he was my first and up until now only kiss. I was drunk then and, if I'm being honest, only kissed him because I so desperately wanted to know what it feels like. Didn't want to fe left out.

Fast forward to yesterday - we were both invited to a birthday party. I had a bit to drink and was more relaxed than usual. He came by and asked if we could "go somewhere" (make out). I, for some reason, did go (maybe I just wanted to remember what kissing felt like). I asked him multiple times before if he's really okay with us just making out and absolutely nothing else, like, no relationship and such, as he did ask me when we first made out.

 

It was so, so uncomfortable and honestly? Kinda disgusting. Just. I said it's no good, and he was like 'yeah yeah it isn't' and then asked if we could maybe make out again????? Huh?? We did for a bit, after which I again said no and just left to get something to drink. To be precise, I drank two shots of Jägermeister because I felt I truly needed it after... whatever that was, and he just dissappeared. I checked later if we're all good, he said we are, and that was that. I'm still so mad at myself for doing it, but on the other hand know I wanted to try and be like ther people around me. 

 

I'm not even sure why exactly I'm feeling so down. Just wanted to rant about it. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

It's not a bad thing to experience it if it confirmed to you that you don't like it. Possibly best not to do that again if it feels as bad to you.

For me, I love affectionate kisses but 'making out' feels kinda heavy of a sensual experience and feels towards the sexual side a bit, it's not something I'd gravitate to.

 

It's ok to feel however you do, I hope time will help relax the feelings around it for you so that it can feel like just an experience that you learned from..

 

[Hurta]

Hey! I'm sorry to hear it wasn't a pleasant experience, but try to at least use it for your questioning purposes (I always try to see the best in terrible situations)... did you not like it because of him or was it the action in general? Also, are kisses more sexual or romantic to you? (You don't have to answer me, just maybe think about it).

 

Also hey, at least it was consensual?

[a little annihilation]

you wanted to do it, so you did, and now you know you don't like doing that. nothing wrong with that although i'm sorry it was such an unpleasant experience. 

[Eutierria]

3 hours ago, tureddruidd said:

was drunk then and, if I'm being honest, only kissed him because I so desperately wanted to know what it feels like

Being drunk can cloud judgement, experience & memory. I don't know how you identify so don't know where your expectations might've been in comparison to how the reality of it felt. 

 

I'm demiromantic & demisensual which means even though I can enjoy kissing / making out, it needs to be with someone I've known for some time & have spent 1:1 time with. If that bond isn't there for me & someone tried, it would feel like a violation. If someone tried & I had consented to trying, I might still feel off about it as the alterous or romantic feelings aren't there for me. 

 

3 hours ago, tureddruidd said:

He came by and asked if we could "go somewhere" (make out). I, for some reason, did go

Did you feel pressured or willingly give consent? 

 

3 hours ago, tureddruidd said:

asked him multiple times before if he's really okay with us just making out and absolutely nothing else, like, no relationship and such, as he did ask me when we first made out.

Are you afraid he or yourself would want more ?

 

3 hours ago, tureddruidd said:

so, so uncomfortable and honestly? Kinda disgusting.

Is it something about him / the environment / the act of it / your internal feelings? 

 

3 hours ago, tureddruidd said:

I'm still so mad at myself for doing it, but on the other hand know I wanted to try and be like ther people around me. 

 

I'm not even sure why exactly I'm feeling so down.

Do you feel that you went against your gut instinct? Does being different from others make you feel a certain way? 

 

Would you feel the same way had it been with someone else you may have been particularly fond of or if they were particularly fond of you? How does being different from your peers make you feel ?

 

These are all questions for yourself to work through & hopefully the answers can give you some clarity. 

[tureddruidd]

3 hours ago, Eutierria said:

Are you afraid he or yourself would want more ?

Ah, my wording in the original post wasn't the best - the first time it happened, he later asked me to be his partner, which I refused. I was afraid it resulted in hurt feelings and definitely didn't want to do it again. 

 

3 hours ago, Eutierria said:

Do you feel that you went against your gut instinct? Does being different from others make you feel a certain way? 

I think you managed to point out exactly what was bothering me, which was ignoring my gut. I'm usually confident about my asexuality, but I've started questioning myself again recently. And, to be honest, I was clinging on the hope that maybe, just maybe, I was actually capable of not sticking out in this area of my life. That I could date and make out and do stuff that everyone seems to have so much fun with!! Even though I doubted it and was just denying what I already knew about myself. And this felt like a sort of safe option to give myself the chance to enjoy what other people my age enjoy, even though I *knew* I won't like it and even though I felt no happiness or satisfaction having said 'yes' (I'll use this to point out he did nothing wrong or out of line. he asked if I'd like it, and didn't do so in front of other people. I could have easily said no, I just... sort of made myself say yes for already above stated reasons).

 

So. Thank you for writing me these questions to go through - they certainly helped me sort myself out a bit. We learn through trial and error, eh? I'm just glad I'm more certain of myself now, if nothing else 😕