The Difference Between Romance and Just Sorta Being Pals

[GhostShaped]

So personally I’ve identified as Asexual for the better part of a decade now, and, while I use to have a lot more issues with my identity as a teen, I’ve grown very comfortable with that fact that I’m about as Ace as they come.

 

Now romantic attraction on the other hand? That’s a whole other ballgame. I’ve never figured out if I’ve felt it but I’ve never quite figured out if I haven’t either. So when all is said and done I just slap down asexual and don’t associate any romantic orientation to it.
Now this simplicity doesn’t bother me most of the time but I’ve sure noticed it bothers others, it’s always funny to me that when you say ‘asexual’ it can never be enough, you’re always expected to get more specific with it - like your internal struggles are a thing just about anyone is owed. 
 

A while ago I mused aloud that I may be experiencing romantic attraction to a friend of mine. We shared some classes in our major and often spent time in cafes together just talking. He’s very pretty and quite sociable, which leads almost people around him to jump to the conclusion that he’s gotta be dating someone (he wasn’t). Since we spent a good amount of time one on one a lot of people just assumed we were together. 
 

Eventually I figured that I may have liked him. He was fun to talk to, and I liked how comfortable I felt when I was with him, he listened to me and thought I was funny and said I was cool (I’m not but the suggestion was flattering regardless). Spending time with him is nice, and so… well I figured that it must be romance right? Or at least that’s what Hollywood and all my friends were telling me it was.
 

So we ended up going out separate ways for summer vacation since we’re both attending uni abroad, however not to long ago I impulsively I decide to invite him to spend the week with me. It was the first time anyone from my university was going to spend the night  let alone a week. I’m generally a reclusive person so this was a rather big thing for me.

 

When I go and pick him up at the airport he gives me the brightest smile and a big hug and then proceeds to tell me all about this new girl he’s dating.

 

And I felt…. Nothing..? 
 

Well nothing beyond the mild annoyance that he was taking up our time together talking about someone I’d never met when I just wanted to gush about that one anime I forced us both to watch. 

Turns out, nope! Probably not romantic attraction! I think my friends were more disappointed then I was to be honest hahaha!

 

Not entirely sure where I was going with this anymore… all I can really say is people sometimes get more invested in your life and labels than you do and don’t be afraid to just not know sometimes? I suppose?

 

Haha, ah well, I hope my friend’s happy with his new partner!

 

 

 

P.S. I use they/them

[Sally]

Romance:  Wonder what they're doing right now, can't wait to see them again, why didn't I hear from them today? I keep seeing things I like to buy/cook/make for them, I wish i could meet their family and all their friends, I can't think of anything better than just sitting together with them, I wonder what they want to be doing 2/5/10/20 years from now, what do they think of me? I hope they aren't thinking about someone else they like...

 

None of that is just "sorta being pals."

[ei-hvað]

You can be romantic but not jealous. I'm alloromantic and have had crushes and suchlike, though sometimes it takes time to develop, but I quite simply never feel jealous. It's not a feeling I recognize in myself. I found myself getting attracted to a friend of over a year, and when she started a relationship with someone else, I was just happy for her (and a bit relieved as I knew we wouldn't be a good fit since she's hypersexual).

 

I think romance is quite personalized, just like sexuality. To me, if you feel a strong connection with someone so just thinking about them being well makes you happy, then that's love, and if you want to spend your time with the person you love, and feel some drive to give them a special place in your life (different than friends), that's romantic love. I think it can be more difficult to figure out the difference between romantic love and other types of love for asexuals since we don't have the sex drive to tell us we are for sure attracted to a person. This is all just how I see things, and there isn't some official definition of romance.

[SilenceRadio]

Personally, I like this definition of romantic attraction I saw the other day: "feel[ing] comfortable [with] placing that close relationship you have/want to have in the cultural context of a romantic relationship." It pretty much nails down the reason I don't define any of the obsessive-ish interest I've had for some friends and acquaintances as "romantic", it just doesn't make much sense to me. I don't want a romantic relationship, so it seems odd to say I have romantic feelings of any kind.

 

Just now, GhostShaped said:

Now this simplicity doesn’t bother me most of the time but I’ve sure noticed it bothers others, it’s always funny to me that when you say ‘asexual’ it can never be enough, you’re always expected to get more specific with it - like your internal struggles are a thing just about anyone is owed. 

Yeah, there seems to be a pattern of seeing "asexual" as nonspecific, unfortunately.