I need help finding out how I identify

[tmsr4307]

I have read tons of articles, FAQ’s, people’s experiences and I still can’t quite figure out how to label myself. Here’s my story:

I’m 40F, have been married twice to males and have 1 child.  I didn’t have any sexual encounters until I was almost out of school.  Sex was rarely discussed at home but I remember my mom taking me to lunch one day and asking if there were any boys I was interested in.  

At that time I could feel attraction to men, and wanted sexual relationships with them, and that’s what I thought I was supposed to be doing.  The whole everyone has a boyfriend, why don’t you thing.  This may sound bad, but I had this mindset that if you have sex with them, they will want a relationship with you.  I enjoyed the experiences but never wanted to initiate or return the sexual favors.

Fast forward to my marriages.  My first husband would occasionally complain that I never initiated sex.  And I didn’t want to, it made me extremely uncomfortable, as did returning sexual favors.  I know now it wasn’t just with him but with anyone.  I wanted to be the receiver but never the giver.  I married a second time and there were times in that marriage that I just didn’t want sex at all.  Probably at least the last 6 months of the relationship.  

I’ve been divorced now for 7 years.  I have had exactly 0 dates, relationships, etc.  I am now repulsed by the idea of sexual experiences, both giving and receiving.  Occasionally, I find a man pleasing to look at, but nothing else, no sexual attraction.  I am not interested in dating, and if someone were to ask, I’d freeze up.  I practically freeze up if a man tries to speak to me in social setting unless we are friends or coworkers.  In my mind, I think cuddling might be okay, but seeing how I react if I’m just speaking to someone, I don’t know if that is really how I feel.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @tmsr4307🍰

To get more, I'd ask you a few questions for what you said, to understand you a bit better. When you talked about returning sexual favors, did you mean you only wanted a passive role during sex? Though that might not be the most important. What I wonder about is why do you freeze up when it comes to dating now? What feelings are behind that? Do you thinkit's because of stuff that's built up from past relationships, bogging you down? You mentioned not wanting sex anymore after a while, does that mean you did want it before but just didn't initiate? Why do you think your interest  in sex went down in your relationship? Could it be that you weren't attracted or feeling good with him near the end?

It can happen that our sexuality changes, mine did, and it was partly just realizing that sex isn't important to me. But there can be other reasons or feelings that can get in the way too so that's also why I was asking some of those questions. Is sex imporant to you in a relationsip? I'm wondering if you'd miss it if it weren't part of a relationship at all. And also another thing is that libido can affect sex drive. It's different than sexual attraction but if you've stopped feeling arousal or like you would want to pleasure yourself since you're single, it could say something about your libido too. Emotional states can affect it too like when I'm depressed my libido goes down even more. Anyway just mentioning it.

 

Really what matters is how you feel now, and if you don't want sexuality with anyone and you don't think that'll change then you could identify as asexual. In my case I id as graysexual because I did have more sexuality at some point in my life and in some ways I could say I still have some but I don't see myself as a sexual person and sex isn't important to me at all. That's what felt best to use for me. It's up to you how you want to talk about yourself. In the end it's still about understanding what you want and how you feel.

 

[tmsr4307]

Yes, only a passive role during sex.  I am uncomfortable also with giving oral sex.  
 

I’ve thought a lot about what makes me freeze up now about the thought of dating.  I don’t really see it as being leftover from my prior marriages/relationships.  I’m friends with my first ex husband.  I think I freeze up because sex is eventually expected in relationships and I’m just not interested and almost afraid to start a relationship because I don’t want to lead them on.  I think I wouldn’t mind a companion to go to dinner with occasionally, without it being a date.  

I think my interest in sex went down in that relationship because it wasn’t a good relationship to begin with, and even more so toward the end.  
I think for me, sex used to a way to show me that the partner wanted to be with me.   Now, I can say without a doubt it’s not important to me at all.  I haven’t missed it at all.  
 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

27 minutes ago, tmsr4307 said:

 I think I freeze up because sex is eventually expected in relationships and I’m just not interested and almost afraid to start a relationship because I don’t want to lead them on.

That's telling enough. After a while I felt bad about the expectations for sex too. That's why I say now that I wouldn't want to be with someone who 'needs' sex. And also think it's important to talk about not caring about sex (or not considering myself a sexual person). I think when you set that for yourself it's easier to feel more comfortable because it's just like being true to yourself and not settling for less, if that makes sense?
 

27 minutes ago, tmsr4307 said:

I think my interest in sex went down in that relationship because it wasn’t a good relationship to begin with, and even more so toward the end.  
I think for me, sex used to a way to show me that the partner wanted to be with me.   Now, I can say without a doubt it’s not important to me at all.  I haven’t missed it at all.  

If you felt comforable with a partner you liked and who didn't 'expect' sex, do you think you'd find yourself wanting it sometimes or drawn to your partner in a sexual way once in a while?

That's just to see what might you might connect with more between asexual and graysexual, because either way you really seem to be on the asexual spectrum.

[tmsr4307]

13 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

If you felt comforable with a partner you liked and who didn't 'expect' sex, do you think you'd find yourself wanting it sometimes or drawn to your partner in a sexual way once in a while?

After some reflection, I feel like MAYBE I might want it sometimes under those conditions - they don’t expect it and I’m not required or asked to participate in anything I feel uncomfortable doing.  That’s a hard question.  If I think about someone touching me in a sexual way or just the act of having sex now, I’m automatically no.  But if I had the right partner, I’m not sure.  Does that make sense?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

11 minutes ago, tmsr4307 said:

After some reflection, I feel like MAYBE I might want it sometimes under those conditions - they don’t expect it and I’m not required or asked to participate in anything I feel uncomfortable doing.  That’s a hard question.  If I think about someone touching me in a sexual way or just the act of having sex now, I’m automatically no.  But if I had the right partner, I’m not sure.  Does that make sense?

Yes sure. I can relate to that.

If you feel you have 'some' sexuality you could use the graysexual label, but if you feel that it's more that you're only 'ok' with sex or willing to do it for other reasons than the sex part, then you could use asexual. Really depends how you see yourself. I like the gray-ace label because I like to keep it a little open too.