Those who feel romantic attraction, have you been in a romantic or queerplatonic partnered relationship with someone who didn't feel romantic attraction?

[binary suns]

I'm curious how you felt about it and if you'd do it again (or if it's current and you'd like to continue )  

[Captain_Tass]

Yup, my last ex didn't feel any romantic or sexual attraction towards me or anyone else. Problem is, she thought she did, and entered into the relationship with the mindset that she either did, or she would, and the information I had was that she did. When it came to light that she didn't, and she didn't want to continue the relationship, we broke up, because I need love and sex out of a relationship, and she wasn't into that after all.

 

We could talk through the whole thing together and are on good terms and there are no hard feelings, but we're not together anymore.

 

I wouldn't do it again, it hurt a lot, and it still kind of hurts. It's been less than two weeks though, so I expect that it's par for the course.

[Abigail Rose]

I probably experience more satisfaction from the romantic aspect of a relationship than the physical stuff. I have had a couple different relationships that left me feeling starved romantically. It is rough on anyone that thrives on mutual affection, when it just isn't there. I wouldn't be able to have a sexual relationship without a romantic aspect and a very strong friendship to build that upon. Relationships like that are as easy to ruin as they are difficult to find in the first place. If I really thought someone could see that and wanted to try, then of course, like a fool, I probably would. I doubt anyone will ever want that with me though. I am a total mess. 🤷‍♀️

[binary suns]

15 minutes ago, Abigail Rose said:

It is rough on anyone that thrives on mutual affection, when it just isn't there.

I can really understand this. It's why one of my exes broke up, because I wasn't showing them enough affection through words, because I wasn't doing random touch gestures, and because I didn't miss them when they weren't around. It was just a level of romantic intimacy that they weren't getting from me. Not everyone would need these specific things, but they did. I don't know if I count as an alloromantic person, but if I did, these things just aren't my love language anyway. For me, all I need in terms of the emotional connection aspect is just being included in each other's lives, and for some people that doesn't feel "a level above friendship" as is often said. I do want to feel wanted as well, which is something I don't get. I've seen people say they want to feel desired, I guess there is something in romantic desire that isn't there when an aromantic person wants to be in a relationship with them? I don't know what difference it makes unless it's about expressing intimacy. I want to be with my partner (if I had one) - I like them, I love them, I want them, I want to kiss them and touch them, I think they're the best person in the world. Is that not enough? But for some people, it isn't, there's more that is missing. I don't really get it, I mean I do but I really don't. I don't know if I'm gray or aro, but either way, there's an extra layer I don't have and don't understand.

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, Life Of Tass said:

I wouldn't do it again, it hurt a lot, and it still kind of hurts. It's been less than two weeks though, so I expect that it's par for the course.

aww 😢

[Olallieberry]

I feel like I've been in a relationship like that, but it's hard to tell because they were a-social in general. It's hard to know whether their behavior and appetite around romance was distinct from their behavior and appetite around other types of norms regarding socialization.

 

An aromantic person can still want to have a "romantic" relationship, which is what everyone else will label it if it looks like a committed pairing. This is another thing which makes it hard for me personally to tease apart what's aromanticism versus what might simply be a very low level of stereotypically "romantic" behaviors within a committed partnership.

 

Maybe I should read up more about the aro experience. For all I know I might find I'm at least somewhat aro-ish myself.

[Abigail Rose]

3 hours ago, binary suns said:

I want to be with my partner (if I had one) - I like them, I love them, I want them, I want to kiss them and touch them, I think they're the best person in the world. Is that not enough?

That is plenty. It is what comes naturally for you. You can't allow other people to dictate what is enough. You can hold their needs in regard. Consideration for their needs is important but, not at the cost of your own feelings. It stops being genuine at that point. Being yourself is most important, if someone asks me. You're not a robot or a mind reader. If a partner doesn't share their feelings, then it is not your responsibility to know what they want. If you know they want something that does not come natural to you, that is not anyone's fault either. There is no reason to give up or deny yourself a chance to find the right relationship. That's the only way to guarantee you'll miss out. 

[binary suns]

1 hour ago, Ollie415 said:

I feel like I've been in a relationship like that, but it's hard to tell because they were a-social in general. It's hard to know whether their behavior and appetite around romance was distinct from their behavior and appetite around other types of norms regarding socialization.

 

An aromantic person can still want to have a "romantic" relationship, which is what everyone else will label it if it looks like a committed pairing. This is another thing which makes it hard for me personally to tease apart what's aromanticism versus what might simply be a very low level of stereotypically "romantic" behaviors within a committed partnership.

 

Maybe I should read up more about the aro experience. For all I know I might find I'm at least somewhat aro-ish myself.

Yeah IDK - I can feel love for my crushes. But that's it, aside from wanting to hold their hand or cuddle. or lay my head on their lap. apparently romantic attraction is a euphoric feeling - IDK maybe "I love them" can be like that - I'm not really sure. I don't really see them as different or special or anything - I just like them in particular. maybe it is romantic I'm still trying to figure it out. I've never felt something that can be described as "warm and fuzzy" or "butterflies in the stomach" never felt my heart race or other physiological responses. I just think the person is someone I'd like to interact with.

 

 

 

[binary suns]

15 minutes ago, Abigail Rose said:

You're not a robot

who knows maybe I'll upload my consciousness into a robot before I die.

[Sally]

I think it would be worse as a romantic to be in a relationship with a non-romantic than it was as an asexual to be in a relationship with a sexual.  Luckily, my partner and I were both romantics, so a mixed sexual/asexual relationship was possible, because although there was a sexual mismatch, we both were romantically in love with each other.  

[binary suns]

5 minutes ago, Sally said:

I think it would be worse as a romantic to be in a relationship with a non-romantic than it was as an asexual to be in a relationship with a sexual.  Luckily, my partner and I were both romantics, so a mixed sexual/asexual relationship was possible, because although there was a sexual mismatch, we both were romantically in love with each other.  

this weirds me out. I know I don't feel it as fully as others feel, but my feelings of attraction and love deserve the same validity as a romantic feeling. Why is it so different? people think "platonic love and attraction" is "friendship only and not more" and don't really acknowledge that for aromantic folk their "platonic" feelings go beyond just being friends with someone. They say being with someone who isn't romantic is like being with a friend, but it isn't. I don't get it at all. It feels like those allo folks who say an asexual isn't real romance because there's no sex.

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

23 hours ago, binary suns said:

I'm not really sure. I don't really see them as different or special or anything

If a romantic partner said this about me it would break my heart xD.

 

On the other stuff, one thing to remember is that sex is more specific and often more of an expression of love (and shared physical pleasure), and not a kind of love itself, while romance is.
Your feelings are valid. But someone romantic may be looking for more. There's a huge diversity though so it's still possible to find someone romantic who doesn't need as much romantic connection.

[binary suns]

@Sarah-Sylvia who knows, maybe I do feel romantic attraction. I wasn't enough for one person, another was too much for me. There's a difference between my partners and me, in terms of what intimacy I seek and they seek. 

 

I guess I do understand it. I don't have it, but I care about someone and to me partnership is about the journey and sharing it, but for someone more fully romantic, there's more to it than just that. More, that I don't see or act towards.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, binary suns said:

@Sarah-Sylvia who knows, maybe I do feel romantic attraction. I wasn't enough for one person, another was too much for me. There's a difference between my partners and me, in terms of what intimacy I seek and they seek. 

 

I guess I do understand it. I don't have it, but I care about someone and to me partnership is about the journey and sharing it, but for someone more fully romantic, there's more to it than just that. More, that I don't see or act towards.

I'm sure it's possible, it's just like everything else when it comes to compatibility. Some people are more clingy in example (like me xD) and I'd be too much for someone romantic who isn't. Everyone has different love languages and some people even mostly want companionship, and stuff like that. So, the most important really is to know yourself and also see what works and doesn't with someone.

I didn't even used to think about how sensual I am but now that I've had experiences and thought about it more, I would always bring it up, because it's really important as part of my romance.. and unfortuantely have to say that I'm not sexual.. but yeah we have to be true to ourselves.

[Ceebs]

I haven't and I wouldn't ever entertain the idea, although I've remained in a former relationship long after my own romantic feelings died out and it was basically just a friendship and committed companionship between people living together. I think it would probably be very painful to be on the side of the equation where you felt something romantic and the other person didn't, much like the sexual-asexual mismatch.

[Liara]

Is there so many differences between "friendship and committed companionship" and "romantic relationship"?
I know I ramble but I feel like I don't quite get it...

[binary suns]

5 hours ago, Liara said:

Is there so many differences between "friendship and committed companionship" and "romantic relationship"?
I know I ramble but I feel like I don't quite get it...

yeah I wonder about this too. I only have anecdotal evidence, where either in one relationship I felt overwhelmed by their intimacys (like saying i love you or frequent touch) while in another they felt I was lacking in romance department.