I’m so relieved there others feeling the same way I feel

[arleashar]

… not that I wish it upon anybody. It is incredibly painful and isolating. But it makes me feel more sane. Less superficial. I think my sex drive is higher than average and I’m feeling so incredibly undesired. Just like, a housemate.

 

i don’t have anyone in my life to talk to about this and I don’t think they’d even understand/give me bad advice because they don’t understand asexuality the way I do. I’m here in the hopes that I can connect with others in my situation, for support or for friendship.

 

I was the one who introduced my partner to the term Asexual and he agreed that he identifies with it.

 

I love my partner so dearly but he pretended to be into sex when we started dating.

 

 He knew I was extremely sensual and enjoyed sex as one of my favourite parts about being in a relationship (I just adore the journey of learning with my partner about our bodies and our sexual limits and the trust that sharing kinks creates.)

 

My idea of a perfect holiday is spending at least 2 of the days in bed naked with my partner. I feel like I’ll never get to have that kind of experience ever again.

 

I feel so stupid and shallow for getting upset, it hurts me so deeply that my insides physically ache and my eyes tear up when I’m sexually aroused and and can’t be with my fiancé the way I want to be. Him lying in bed next to me makes me cry myself to sleep.

 

 I’ve never spoken about this with anybody.

 

He has opened up the relationship so that I can have sex with others, he seems so happy to do it. I have tried to have sexual fun outside the relationship but it doesn’t compare to the feeling of sex when it’s with someone you love. It’s easy to get the sex because I’m female, but it’s not fulfilling sex. it’s not the kind of connection I crave. 
 

I could write an essay on this but for now, it was therapeutic to write this because I have a lump in my throat that I’m trying to swallow so I don’t cry.

 

Thanks for this group, and thank you for sharing your stories that have made me feel less alone.

[cat_lady]

Welcome! I'm glad you're feeling relief by learning from others. This will be a useful section for you (if you haven't found it already  ) https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

[uhtred]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You will find a lot of people here in similar sounding situations - and its pretty miserable for most of them.   I've been married to a nearly asexual woman for >30 years, and this has cast a cloud over our lives.

 

A few thoughts:

There is nothing at all wrong with your being sexual, desiring sex in any form you want.  It is 100% OK to desire sex, and to feel unhappy when you can't have it.   Please understand that many people are like this. Sex matters. Think of all the people throughout history who have risked death to be intimate with the person they loved, but society kept apart. Your feelings are very real, and the sadness you feel is very real.  Many of us have experienced it.

 

There is nothing wrong with his not desiring sex, not wanting it.  its 100% OK for him to be asexual.

 

But... there is a huge compatibility problem as you know.

 

You are trying an open relationship and that is good to try.  For some people it can work - they can get the sex they want while staying with the person they love.   When it works its wonderful.  But for other people,  sex, romance and love are all tied together.  For them sex without love is just not very interesting - maybe even unpleasant. For others (I'm in this category), sex creates feelings of romance and love - so for me an open realtionship would totally fail - I'd fall for my sexual partner.

 

Only you can know how sex outside if the relationship works for you.  You have to think about whether you can be happy this way, along with whatever sexual activities, if any, your partner wants.   If there is a way you can BOTH be happy, that is wonderful.  But if not, then you will both be happier if you separate and each find compatible partners. No fault / blame anywhere

 

I wish I had known this long ago, but after such a long marriage I really can't leave.   Please don't stay in a relationship where you are unhappy.

 

feel free to PM

[LeChat]

Hi. Welcome to AVEN. 

Thank you, for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

 

(Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi. I'm just letting you know I've moved your thread from the Welcome Lounge to "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" forum, where there are others with similar situations.

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge, Announcements, and Alternate Language moderator

[Liara]

You found the right place, a lot of us can understand your situation. You definitely are not alone. Feeling undesired and so hurt. Without knowing what to do, what to think.

Welcome.

[Olallieberry]

Quote

 I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

@arleashar I'm also sorry, and as the person in your same position in a similar relationship, be free to fully honor how deeply this affects you and will continue to.

 

What got called "a rough time" is over something which will almost certainly never change in this relationship. I'm not being dramatic or making this up or projecting from my relationship to yours. You have the words from your partner to prove it.

 

The conditions which create this "rough time" are probably permanent. I hope you didn't feel belittled or dismissed.

 

On the other hand, I respect the spirit in which that comment was probably given. That is, that people in mixed relationships like this can and do change their situation. You're already trying, by experimenting with opening the relationship. Others find other solutions. Sometimes people break up. But it doesn't have to be forever.

 

You already have an open relationship, but it sounds like there might be "rules" which are an obstacle against loving someone else besides your partner? Maybe continuing the discussion/experiment with your partner will allow those rules to be relaxed. Polyamory is a thing which works for a lot of people, not even necessarily those in a relationship where someone's asexual, but certainly so for some such relationships.

 

I'm glad you found a place to share this for the first time. I hope it helps to share, and that you and your partner will continue trying new and different things to support your needs.

[arleashar]

Thank you for your understanding words.
 

I went and found him on Reddit to see if I could better understand and connect with him based on the topics he was engaging with the most and I found a comment he left on a NSFW image of a female Reddit member’s naked body that she had posted. It was something like “oh I thought you were wearing a g banger weird” and she comment replied “nah it’s just a strange shadow.”

 This happened last night and it floored me. He apologised and said he was out of line and that he was sorry for hurting me. I eventually got it out of him that he didn’t think it was such a big deal because he lets me have actual sex outside the relationship. But I’m a clear communicator and was very adamant in the beginning that I would never be ok with him having those same freedoms and he assured me he wouldn’t ever and  doesn’t even have an interest anyway.
 

He’s not a man that flirts with women, but he is naturally kind and warm. He’s never inappropriate or sleazy with females ever and had a great reputation amongst his friends and workplace of 13 years. (We now own one of the Franchise businesses together that he used to help run, but that’s a story for another thread.) 

 

We’ve had conversations about men openly talking about the openfans accounts they follow and how disrespectful it is to their partners to speak that way openly without their partner there. We both agreed this would be unacceptable in our relationship so I feel so betrayed. I’ve been cheated on before (actual sex) but this feels exactly the same, why is it so painful?!  

 

Anyway, we got deeper last night and he admitted he can’t see me as a wife AND sexual object because of how he was brought up. Even though he’s non-religious, appears completely stereotypically heterosexual and is very affectionate - he grew up in Kuwait which is very conservative. He didn’t grow up as a Muslim, but his parents were practicing Christians. His parents are Indian and I’m a Caucasian Australian. We both live in Australia. 

 

I feel like it’s a cop out. But I try to believe it because I know I’m a desirable woman, I had an exciting sex life before I met him and was so used to the feeling of being passionately desired… so I know it’s not because I’m hideous or because I’m defective in some way.

 

But due to the lack of sex in our relationship, over the past almost 5 years; I don’t dress as sexy anymore, I don’t put as much effort into my appearance and I gained 10kg which then plays in my brain as it’s my fault. 
 

My goodness this is hard.

 

I’m also a very ambitious woman and I run our business. I love work and my career is incredibly important to me. I get so much validation and satisfaction from my business and being in control of it but a part that my partner will never get to experience is the flip in my personality of how sexually submissive I am. It feels like a double whammy of unlucky-ness because not only do I want sex from him, I want a very specific kind of sex to feel completely fulfilled… but I would be happy with anything from him. 
 

It makes me feel pathetic.

 

Sorry for the brain dump, it’s probably not even forming a chronological order but I think my brain is aching, it it’s my heart. I don’t even know the difference at this point. 

 

Typing this up is good for me I think. I know if I ever talk about this with anyone I know, they will judge him, me and our relationship … and I won’t be able to take it back.

 

I am aware that I should certainly be seeking some professional help around my feelings on this but it takes a very long time to get an appointment with a reputable therapist. And when the pain is this strong, waiting feels impossible. I need to let it all out somehow to someone who gets it. 
 

Thank you again for replying to my post, I really appreciate the time you took to do that. 

[Liara]

I don't know what's the most painful : when you have had a good sex life before and you feel to lose something now, or when you never had any sex life and you feel to miss something you could never explore...

Not a competition, the two suck. Even after 20 years, I find it incredible how it can be painful. And it's impossible to make that understandable for the ace person because they can't feel that.

 

But you can be sure we will never judge you here.

[Mountain House]

On 1/15/2023 at 8:59 PM, arleashar said:

friendship

Hi, welcome!

 

On 1/15/2023 at 10:40 PM, uhtred said:

I'd fall for my sexual partner.

I do, and I love it. And I know I am not the only one here.

 

19 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

Polyamory is a thing which works for a lot of people

This is true. I know many.

 

15 hours ago, arleashar said:

I would never be ok with him having those same freedoms

This is untenable. This is a possessive statement. Autonomy is one of those things that to fully embrace one must give it.

 

15 hours ago, arleashar said:

he can’t see me as a wife AND sexual object

This sounds like Madonna-whore syndrome. Your husband may want to look into this.

 

And yeah, you are among friends.