Christian Sexual Married to an Asexual - REBOOTED

[FritzJ]

Hello everyone! My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We're both Christians and our relationship is quite stable. However, the sex has been almost non-existent for a while now. We do it about once every two months, mainly because she feels obligated for the sake of our marriage, not because she really wants to (which tends to make me feel awful). Even the romantic aspect feels like a desert at times (no kissing, no hugs, no caresses). For years, I thought she was just not into me. I felt like I'd been friend-zoned even though she said that she loves me (sadly, over time I've stopped believing those words). Just recently, she told me that after reading about it, she thinks she's asexual. I was not surprised. It made a lot of things finally make sense to me, but knowing this now doesn’t “fix” our problem. I've suggested we go to couples counseling, but she feels nothing is wrong with the way things are; I just need to lower my expectations... She also said that I was a good husband and she wanted us to stay together, but she would like my sexual needs to no longer be her problem/responsibility. She gave me two options, the only ones she will agree to: I can 1) come to terms with an ‘almost’ sexless marriage and masturbate to compensate (even buy sex toys if I wish), or 2) ask a female friend to be my occasional “wife-approved” extra-marital sex partner. Say what??! Those are the only options??! I don’t want to end my marriage (I made a vow!), but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my married life like this. Plus, I’ve never cheated on my wife, but I’m so frustrated and craving intimacy that part of me, even as a Christian, is tempted to take deal #2, although that option is not quite aligned with my values. Has anyone had to face these options?! Did you go through with one? How'd it go?! Or did you find another way? 

[EmeraldIce]

32 minutes ago, FritzJ said:

I felt like I'd been friend-zoned even though she said that she loves me (sadly, over time I've stopped believing those words).

As a married asexual, I can confirm that you can love someone dearly, not want to lose them, and yet still not find sex or intimacy intuitive or important to the relationship. Honestly, I would be incredibly hurt if my husband didn't trust me enough to believe me when I say I love him, just because I don't enjoy sex as much as him. Do you have parents? Children? Do you love them any less just because you don't want to have sex with them? Do you think of them as "just friends?" 

[coolshades]

I agree with @EmeraldIce that just because your wife does not desire sex does not mean she doesn't love you.  Plenty of asexuals are in very loving relationships that do not involve sex.

 

You said she gave you two options, but have you come up with any options?  If you do not like the two she came up with (and as a fellow Christian myself, I can completely understand your discomfort with option #2), then maybe come up with two of your own?  You may be able to talk it out and come up with an option that works for both of you without causing either of you to feel pressured to do things you are not comfortable with.

[Ceebs]

@EmeraldIce Despite not being asexual myself, I genuinely do understand that aces can love their partners very much, including romantically, without the desire for sex. But I don't think the analogy with parents and children is a very good one. Unless something... really, uh, not great... is going on, sexual desire is not part of familial love. For approximately 99% of the population, it's a very natural component of a romantic relationship. So they're not comparable. In a serious long-term relationship, people do certainly feel that familial type of love for their partners/spouses as well, but that doesn't take away from the romantic/sexual component -- and that's something that just doesn't exist with your relatives for hopefully obvious reasons.

 

(I realise this is just a reply to another post and doesn't address the OP's situation here. Super tired and had a rubbish day and don't have the ability to reply further at the moment, but I thought that was worth pointing out.)

[EmeraldIce]

15 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

@EmeraldIce But I don't think the analogy with parents and children is a very good one. Unless something... really, uh, not great... is going on, sexual desire is not part of familial love.

The fact that people don't think of family sexually is exactly my point, given that I was trying to paint a picture of non-sexual love to a sexual person. My point is that an asexual does not desire sex with their partner any more than a sexual would desire sex with their family. And yet the asexual can love their partner just as much as a sexual would love their closest family members.

[Sally]

35 minutes ago, EmeraldIce said:

The fact that people don't think of family sexually is exactly my point, given that I was trying to paint a picture of non-sexual love to a sexual person. My point is that an asexual does not desire sex with their partner any more than a sexual would desire sex with their family. And yet the asexual can love their partner just as much as a sexual would love their closest family members.

But it's still not a good analogy.  Sexuals don't desire sex with their family members because they are members of a particular population, not because they aren't interested in sex.  Asexuals don't desire sex with anyone.  However, asexuals can feel romantic love toward their partners even though they don't desire sex with them, that part of the analogy doesn't work either.  

[FritzJ]

@EmeraldIce @coolshades @Ceebs @SallyThank you all for the replies. To put it in perspective, me not "believing" that she actually loved me was before she came up with the ace situation/revelation... Before that, there was no explanation given for her distancing me sexually and romantically. Yes, even romantically, like I said previously (no touching, no kissing, etc.). So she also "killed" non-sexual intimacy as she feels she doesn't really need that either. I feel she needs a friend more than she needs a husband. And yes, I've tried to suggest other options, but she won't hear it. She made it clear that her two options she put on the table are my only options, and whatever solutions I come up with, if sex is involved in any kind of way, she has to be removed from the equation. So I feel stuck...

[Mountain House]

Welcome @FritzJ,

 

Time tested, you have 4 options: 

1. Celibacy - you probably aren't interested 
2. Compromise - sounds like your #1 fits here
3. Open relationship - your #2
4. Break up

Every so often someone will wish for another choice. It hasn't been found yet.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

As a married asexual, I can confirm that you can love someone dearly, not want to lose them, and yet still not find sex or intimacy intuitive or important to the relationship. Honestly, I would be incredibly hurt if my husband didn't trust me enough to believe me when I say I love him, just because I don't enjoy sex as much as him. Do you have parents? Children? Do you love them any less just because you don't want to have sex with them? Do you think of them as "just friends?" 

Do I love other members of my family less even though I don't have sex with them? 

What an odd question.

We're capable of many loves and they are justifiably different right?

 

Before embarking on asexuality I really never thought it could be a possibility in humans.

 

My reasoning was that all humans had a sexual urge due to continuation of the species. Sometimes that urge could be directed to non procreation as in the case of homosexuality and I'll stop here. 

 

Sex with a partner is much much more than the act. It is not about masturbation. It is giving and taking pleasure, comfort, joy, closeness...

 

As a sexual it gives depth to a relationship. It is a want and a need, an ultimate confirmation of one's love an uniqueness precisely because I don't have sex with others.

 

I read a story about a priest and a nun. Both celibate, who fell in love and with that love they had a physical desire to make love.

 

Asexuals don't have this desire, likewise sexuals do. It's not a question of lowering expectations, it's a question of being very very different.

 

To answer the initial post. Yes I m sure your wife does love you. Once you know more about asexuality it'll make sense. But that doesn't solve the problem at hand. Or not all of it. It's just a start.

 

I'm currently celibate and trying to improve things with my husband (30 year marriage). Can't yet say whether it's a super success, but things are looking up.

 

However others have opted for sex elsewhere and have had very good success with that.

 

You need to choose your own path. You will find that your faith will be supportive with whatever choice you make. Although not a believer (a secular Catholic) I have read lots on the subject.

 

Best of luck.

[anisotrophic]

6 hours ago, coolshades said:

just because your wife does not desire sex does not mean she doesn't love you

 

7 hours ago, FritzJ said:

I've suggested we go to couples counseling, but she feels nothing is wrong with the way things are; I just need to lower my expectations

I believe invalidating someone’s ongoing distress is not “love”. If one partner thinks couples counseling is warranted and the other is arguing there’s nothing wrong, in my opinion that’s a red flag signaling “not love”.

 

4 hours ago, FritzJ said:

me not "believing" that she actually loved me was before she came up with the ace situation/revelation

I’m wary of explanations like this if given with little sense of distress / concern for the impact on a partner — if the message is more “you need to accept me as I am “ or “I need you to accept me as I am”… what you’re not hearing is “I’m experiencing worry and guilt about how this impacts you”.

 

Does she generally try / want to do things that make you happy? That is to say, is she speaking any ”love language” in the first place?
 

If it’s not there, it’s probably unhelpful to confront directly. You can examine yourself for “giving love”, but sometimes that doesn’t help either.
 

13 hours ago, FritzJ said:

ask a female friend to be my occasional “wife-approved” extra-marital sex partner

It sounds controlling the way this is phrased.

 

If you’re feeling unloved, exploring ethical nonmonogamy is not going to solve it in itself — it could be part of a solution eventually, but — it generally adds to relationship distress (you’re adding *more* interpersonal interaction, another person, to worry about — this “female friend” is a person too!!). You’ll still need to feel “loved” in some other way and like you have “good communication” for stability in the current relationship.

[uhtred]

She loves, you but you are not sexually compatible. 

 

There is NOTHING wrong with her not wanting sex.  There is NOTHING wrong with you needing se to be happy.  Neither of those is likely to change

 

I agree with @Mountain House about your options

1. Celibacy - you probably aren't interested 
2. Compromise - sounds like your #1 fits here
3. Open relationship - your #2
4. Break up

I don't seem much room for a "compromise".   Masturbation is no substitute for sex  (and BTW she has no right to determine whether you masturbate, use toys or watch porn if she doesn't want sex with you).  But I don't see this making you happy.

 

2.  Is there enough overlap for compromise? Or will she feel constantly pressured and you constantly rejected/

 

3. Do your personalities work for this?  Can you enjoy sex without a romantic relationship, and is she OK with it. if so, then this can be a very good solution. If not, its just a slow route to #4

 

4.   Really - this is often the best option.  Don't stay in a relationship that isn't making both people happy

[MidnightStar]

I honestly think you should just take sex off the table and let your wife breathe for a little while.. You said you’ve been married 20 years. I imagine, even if it was infrequent, she’s been having sex with you that she didn’t want for 2 decades. She deserves space to figure this out. It says a lot about her value to you as a person if you leave or find someone else as soon as she takes sex off the table. Let the dust settle. Take care of yourself for a little bit. Let her think. 6-12 months without sex won’t kill anyone. Married deployed men in the military often go that long without sex. 

[FritzJ]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

 

I believe invalidating someone’s ongoing distress is not “love”. If one partner thinks couples counseling is warranted and the other is arguing there’s nothing wrong, in my opinion that’s a red flag signaling “not love”.

 

I’m wary of explanations like this if given with little sense of distress / concern for the impact on a partner — if the message is more “you need to accept me as I am “ or “I need you to accept me as I am”… what you’re not hearing is “I’m experiencing worry and guilt about how this impacts you”.

 

Does she generally try / want to do things that make you happy? That is to say, is she speaking any ”love language” in the first place?
 

If it’s not there, it’s probably unhelpful to confront directly. You can examine yourself for “giving love”, but sometimes that doesn’t help either.
 

It sounds controlling the way this is phrased.

 

If you’re feeling unloved, exploring ethical nonmonogamy is not going to solve it in itself — it could be part of a solution eventually, but — it generally adds to relationship distress (you’re adding *more* interpersonal interaction, another person, to worry about — this “female friend” is a person too!!). You’ll still need to feel “loved” in some other way and like you have “good communication” for stability in the current relationship.

Hello all, thank you so much for discussing with me about this; your contributions are really appreciated! It's the very first time I get to talk openly about this outside of my head, and it's a breath of fresh air. I'm not bothered that my wife is asexual; truth is I'm kind of relieved to finally have an answer to the questions I've been having all these years. My issue is being suddenly imposed her "new way" of living out her sexuality without considering mine. I can't just shut down my own sexuality and embrace her's as my new reality, as if me needing physical intimacy simply didn't matter anymore. I feel that my needs as a sexual person are just as important as her's as an asexual person. @anisotrophic Very great point concerning "nonmonogamy not solving my problem". You're right. As for the couples counseling, the reason I suggested it is because she didn't seem to want to compromise. I thought a third party could help us navigate our issues to find common ground. It's not because I think asexuality is a problem in itself; I don't. I recognize that asexual people exist and must be respected and welcomed as any other group in society. And we've talked about love languages, but she feels my language is a bit much for her... 

[FritzJ]

35 minutes ago, MidnightStar said:

I honestly think you should just take sex off the table and let your wife breathe for a little while.. You said you’ve been married 20 years. I imagine, even if it was infrequent, she’s been having sex with you that she didn’t want for 2 decades. She deserves space to figure this out. It says a lot about her value to you as a person if you leave or find someone else as soon as she takes sex off the table. Let the dust settle. Take care of yourself for a little bit. Let her think. 6-12 months without sex won’t kill anyone. Married deployed men in the military often go that long without sex. 

Well, sex is already kind of off the table since be barely touch each other, and it's been a while already. The longest we've spent not having sex is two (2) whole years... so I have been patient and given her space, and it hasn't been easy at all. I let her control the frequency, the how, the when, because I wanted her to feel respected... It was at the cost of my own emotional needs and fulfillment (as if me being a sexual person didn't matter as much as her being asexual). And yet, I never even once thought of walking out on her to find someone else. It was never even a temptation (I guess I'm not wired like that)... Finding another person is not my idea, it's her's, and it's weird to me... I never imagined she would one day suggest I do something like this... Now, after all these years, I feel like I'm starting to reach my limit, and I don't know what to do. It's so frustrating... 

[Guest]

I hear you.. but I agree with the comments above to let the dust settle a bit. At first I was blaming everything and everyone. In a nutshell facing the fact that asexuality exists was a major revelation.

The second and following steps were/ are how do I feel with regard to sex or rather what does sex represent for me? How does my hubby feel without the pressure of sex ( taking away the guilt and frustration) ?

How has this discrepancy distanced us?

Is there something worth salvaging?

How do we find new love languages we're both comfortable with? How do we break the negative pattern?

These are but some questions in random order. Things we're working on. 

Unfortunately we found out about all this very late in the day, we also had therapists who did more harm than good.  

 

But after the dust has settled and amongst all the above-mentioned there's also the realisation we need outside help. There's also the willingness to be open to other solutions such as extra marital sex.

 

However before embarking on the latter I need peace of mind and for now it's sufficient for me to know that should I make that leap I will do so knowingly and freely.

 

What I'm hearing from your end but could be wrong is that you're both hurting i.e it's all a bit raw. Too raw to take action.

 

For me having my partner validate my feelings has been a huge step.

Combined with the fact that he's been far more physical has also helped. Early days yet.

Btw I too am reluctant with regard to extra marital sex i.e. that's not my goal, but for now never say never. Work in progress...

 

 

 

[MidnightStar]

30 minutes ago, FritzJ said:

Well, sex is already kind of off the table since be barely touch each other, and it's been a while already. The longest we've spent not having sex is two (2) whole years... so I have been patient and given her space, and it hasn't been easy at all. I let her control the frequency, the how, the when, because I wanted her to feel respected... It was at the cost of my own emotional needs and fulfillment (as if me being a sexual person didn't matter as much as her being asexual). And yet, I never even once thought of walking out on her to find someone else. It was never even a temptation (I guess I'm not wired like that)... Finding another person is not my idea, it's her's, and it's weird to me... I never imagined she would one day suggest I do something like this... Now, after all these years, I feel like I'm starting to reach my limit, and I don't know what to do. It's so frustrating... 

I see a lot of myself in your description of your wife. She’s pushing you away. I did the same. It is not uncommon for asexuals to withdraw from any form of intimacy (holding hands, sitting close on the couch, kisses, hugs) when after years and years they know those things seem to send signals that they want sex later. I too stopped almost all affection with my spouse because I didn’t want to send him signals that I wanted sex which inevidibly led to huge disagreements later. He’d make a move, I’d say ‘not tonight’ he’d sulk and be mad at me for daysssss.

The one thing he did that helped me start to connect with him again is he said ‘I’m not having sex with you for the rest of the year… it’s off the table.’ This was in May of last year. Him SAYING this made me let my guard down and know if I sat next to him on the couch, held his hand or  if I asked for a shoulder rub bc my back hurt, then it would NOT lead to sex. You have to stay true to your word though or else it f’s the whole thing up.  Therefore I became more physical with him in non sexual ways and we began to reconnect as spouses age friends. 

[Guest]

Too true. We stopped having sex 24 years ago, but still my husband distanced me. Now that he knows I expect no sexual encounter I get the hugs and kisses... 

 

 

 

[EmeraldIce]

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I believe invalidating someone’s ongoing distress is not “love”. If one partner thinks couples counseling is warranted and the other is arguing there’s nothing wrong, in my opinion that’s a red flag signaling “not love”.

While I agree that you shouldn't invalidate someone's ongoing distress, she may not be aware that the issue goes beyond mere sexual compatibility for the OP. If the problem is that you have trouble understanding each other, understanding yourself, accepting each other, accepting yourself, etc. then a therapist is a great resource. But a therapist won't resolve sexual compatibility, and the potential solutions remain the same. And so, while the OP's distress is legitimate, I think the wife's standpoint is simply that she's not convinced that a therapist would offer any solution that she has not already thought of.

[anisotrophic]

@FritzJ please don't throw yourself under the bus, especially if it's feeling like you've been doing that. I'm trans, I started transitioning after having kids, and I don't think "concern about the impact on one's partner" is appropriately neglected as secondary and "just deal with it and stop making me feel bad about it". That's my personal context for understanding a revelation of sexual orientation, why I'm not impressed with "nothing is wrong with the way things are".

I don't know what the gap is in your specific relationship, but if you don't feel loved, that's the more important problem. Maybe the other partner doesn't feel loved, maybe they aren't even aware of feeling that way. Maybe one or both partners are feeling disrespected. Maybe the capacity for "giving" and "empathy" are clouded by resentment (over pressure, over feeling they do not receive empathy, over something else). Maybe someone is generally self-centered. Maybe someone is lacking awareness and struggles with cognitive empathy, needs it to be explained, and they care once they understand how another person feels. Maybe someone lacks affective empathy for others -- and explanations don't help -- they have trouble caring much about any other person's happiness or sadness no matter how well they understand it.

You can engage in empathy to understand and care about how a partner feels. e.g. seek to understand why someone suggests you have sex with another person, how they might feel about that. express concern about distress they may have experienced that you were unaware of. Sometimes that helps elicit empathic reciprocity, sometimes it doesn't.

"Acceptance" doesn't mean you have to be happy, only that you aren't disputing whatever it is you accept.

[Chaplain2Asex]

@FritzJ, thank you for your post. I empathize with your situation. I too am a sexual man, married to my asexual wife for 6 years (as of this week actually). We've been together a total of 12 now. The 2 month/2 year cycle is all too familiar.

 

I am also a Christian, and am a chaplain in the military pursuing a Doctorate in Ministry. I've found very little in my search for writings on biblical perspectives concerning asexuality (none actually). 1 Corinthians 7 (the chapter where we get, "the wife/husband does not have authority over their own body") seems to be the most relevant passage. However, I would strongly warn against egocentric misinterpretations of this passage. This passage is not leverage for YOU to tell your asexual wife to change (or even to think she should). Very well it may be intended to challenge her understanding of sex, but it is also intended to challenge your understanding of sex. The scripture engages both of you personally, but in different ways.

 

Whenever Paul talks about marriage, it is always within the context of mutual honor/glory. Let me illustrate by correcting the overly-literal interpretations of passages like Ephesians 5, or 1 Peter 3...

 

Paul did command husbands to love there wives, and wives to respect their husbands, but that command is steeped in the patriarchal culture of the ancient near east - it does not itself represent the transcultural truth. How else would glory/honor be recieved in that context? It must operate within the patriarchal framework of the time (which was functionally universal to the initial audiences). If it was a matriarchal culture, the command would have been reversed. In 1st century Ephesus, a respectful wife was a husband's glory, and a loving husband a woman's glory - but the patriarchal dynamics existed with or without those virtues. They become the avenues by which the cultural practices are redeemed and glorified. Patriarchy itself is inherently neither good or bad, though the power imbalance leaves it vulnerable to abuse; Paul's instruction seeks to make a neutral dynamic good.

 

Today, especially in the west, we have decisively departed from any concept of a universal norm. Today within one culture there is much more diversity, and much more dynamism (rightly so I would argue, but that is for another conversation). The consequence is that each relationship assumes a communicative responsibility that was at the least foreign, and at the most excessive to previous generations.

 

So, what I would suggest this means for us, as covenantal partners to asexual spouses, is to do what most glorifies them (i.e. respecting their sexuality). For this season, it seems like that is abstinence.. for her, it might be the opposite, but that is not your concern. A biblical marriage is just trying to out glorify one another (a turn-of-phrase, no real competition implied). It is unconditional, so you act regardless of its reciprocated. In that offering, you express love - love which is affirmed by your self-knowledgr of it, not your wife's response.

 

Now in practice, I'm the first to admit this is easier said than done. This week has been especially hard for me with our anniversary.. feelings of resentment linger, as well as longings for fulfillment of physical intimacy left unmet. I do think abstinence is ideal until your partner desires to participate in some form of sexual intimacy (which may be never for some couples). But this is not the best route if it makes resentment fester even more..

 

For me, I discovered that I'm vulnerable to be more agitated about our sexual discrepancies when we near romantic celebrations like anniversaries, Valentine's Day, or couple getaways. Conversely, this is also when my wife is often most opposed to sexual intimacy because of the heightened expectations of the holiday/occasion. So I try to take proactive actions:

- for the need for intimacy I submit to more frequent prayer and reflection, affirming that  releasing her from the pressure of sex is just as loving to her as her engaging in sex is to me. So I gain a sense of the bonding I long for, and I seek to continually remind myself that it's not because something is wrong with me ect.

- I also learned that a sexual release helps my demeanor soften. It is a poor substitute, but by this I mean mastribation. And even pornography usage. As a Christian I would not go so far as to endorse extramarital affairs. Even pornography burdens me with some shame. It does not align with the Christian understanding of sexuality. However, I concede to it knowing in my weakness that without some sort of outlet I might project my frustrations and longings onto my wife. Remember, the object of marriage is glory, so I'll deal with my own shortcomings before I subject her to them, when I can. I hope and pray that this is temporary, but it slows the bleeding during my more challenging seasons. 

 

Last nugget for further study would be to explore the more thoughtful Christian responses to homosexuality. This has been written about A LOT, and the worth while works develop a substantive understanding of sexual identity that does not require sexual fulfillment. I.E. God can make you gay, without your need to be in a sexual relationship. I assume most here will not empathize with those sentiments, but that is okay, they subscribe to a different worldview. Seek out how non-hetero Christians reconcile their sexual identity, and it may illuminate how you ought to view sex in your sexual/asexual marriage too.

 

I'm with you in solidarity, and will be praying for your journey.

 

 

[Ab_S]

On 6/20/2022 at 7:24 PM, FritzJ said:

Hello everyone! My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We're both Christians and our relationship is quite stable. However, the sex has been almost non-existent for a while now. We do it about once every two months, mainly because she feels obligated for the sake of our marriage, not because she really wants to (which tends to make me feel awful). Even the romantic aspect feels like a desert at times (no kissing, no hugs, no caresses). For years, I thought she was just not into me. I felt like I'd been friend-zoned even though she said that she loves me (sadly, over time I've stopped believing those words). Just recently, she told me that after reading about it, she thinks she's asexual. I was not surprised. It made a lot of things finally make sense to me, but knowing this now doesn’t “fix” our problem. I've suggested we go to couples counseling, but she feels nothing is wrong with the way things are; I just need to lower my expectations... She also said that I was a good husband and she wanted us to stay together, but she would like my sexual needs to no longer be her problem/responsibility. She gave me two options, the only ones she will agree to: I can 1) come to terms with an ‘almost’ sexless marriage and masturbate to compensate (even buy sex toys if I wish), or 2) ask a female friend to be my occasional “wife-approved” extra-marital sex partner. Say what??! Those are the only options??! I don’t want to end my marriage (I made a vow!), but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my married life like this. Plus, I’ve never cheated on my wife, but I’m so frustrated and craving intimacy that part of me, even as a Christian, is tempted to take deal #2, although that option is not quite aligned with my values. Has anyone had to face these options?! Did you go through with one? How'd it go?! Or did you find another way? 

Hello! I'm late to the party but perusing the "Christian asexuals?" thread brought me here. Your story sounds intimately familiar to me, with one caveat; I found out that I was ace when I was sixteen, so when I and my now-husband (three years tomorrow!) started dating, I knew that I was going to need to come out to him early on, and we've gotten the privilege of building our relationship in that context. I want to list for you some of the things that I've been able to say, over the years, to my now-husband (hereafter referred to as "Luke"), that I probably wouldn't have been able to say if I weren't comfortable in my asexuality. Obviously, I'm not trying to speak for your wife; only she can do that. A lot of these things may not be true for her. I just want you to feel like you're allowed to release some of your fears, because a lot of the assumptions our straight partners can make about us aren't as truthful as they seem.

 

1. My relationship with Luke is not in the same category as that with my best friend. My feelings do distinctly different, romantic, things when I think about him, when we touch each other, when we laugh together, and when he is kind to me. My feelings do not do the same things with my best friend. As much as he may feel like we are just "best friends" in my mind, we aren't.

 

2. The sexual experiences I'm able to give him could be seen as sub-par because they don't come with/from sexual attraction, and there's a sense in which that might be true. But they could also be seen as a rare gift that he is fortunate to get to have from me. After all, few people would be able to give him sex that comes purely from a desire to become closer and to give their partner pleasure, without sexual attraction muddying that water. It helped us when he learned to think of my sexuality this way.

 

3. The sexual experiences we share are neutral, occasionally counter-productive, if he is trying to make me feel loved. I have trauma around feeling betrayed or mislead, believing that a romantic partner loved me, before learning that really, the partner only sexually desired me (I know lots of women who have this trauma, and I also know it's common among ace people. Remember that trauma is defined by a person's interpretation of an experience, not by the experience itself, so if your wife has ever felt that from you, even if she felt it incorrectly, she could easily be carrying a similar trauma). Sexuality and romance are also very distinct categories for me, rarely overlapping. For those two reasons, sexual expressions can make his love feel less valid to me, rather than making it feel stronger. Similarly to how Luke learned to think differently about my sexuality, I have learned (over the course of years) to see his sexual advances as the expression of love that they are. Still, I need him to sometimes express his love to me with no adjacent sexual expressions, to affirm that I'm not deceiving myself.

 

4. If she ever becomes more open to problem-solving with you and hearing your proposals (it sounds like now is not the time for that), you might ask if she'd be comfortable giving you pictures. We do that, and it helps because it's not always realistic for me to keep up with his frequency.

 

5. Sex is easier for me when I know it's coming. Meeting his sexual needs, as long as his expectations are reasonable, isn't that hard, but impulsive sexuality is hard for me. I have tried for the last 3 years to get him to agree on a day of the week or something. When he initiates, if I turn him down, it takes me about 2ish days to return the initiation, but if I have those two days beforehand to prepare, it's more doable.

 

In direct response to something you said: Going months or even years without sex, even if you're super chill about it, is only going to be restful for her if she knows you're not secretly resenting it. Otherwise, you're losing stamina and she is also not gaining stamina and you're running in a hamster wheel. It might help to tell her something like, "I won't initiate sex for one year, and although you're free to initiate, my expectation for that year is that you probably won't, and we probably won't have sex, and I've made peace with that because I want you to have the space you need." Difficult, but it would likely mean a lot to her.

 

A final thought: It's a big deal that you're here, on this forum, educating yourself. That shows how much you love her, and that you want to see all of her. If you haven't already, check out asexualityarchive.com. Whenever I come out to anyone they all ask the exact same questions, and I just repeat stuff I read on that blog. It's really good about making sense of asexuality to straight people.

[Mountain House]

Hi @Ab_S, what a gem of a post.

 

I am particularly fond of #2.

 

Rock on!