I think my partner may be Ace, How do I broach the subject?

[AlloVerdad]

quick background, 

 

We've been together nearly three years and sex has been....a touchy subject...for about 2.75 of them. About 4-5 months into the relationship, my partner yanked the rug out from under me because we were moving to fast. We were both raised conservative/religious, however they fell out earlier than I did and are more sexually experienced than me. I was under the impression that they were driving the tempo.  We discussed it, moved sex off the table for several months while we worked on other parts of our relationship. 

After this moratorium sex started back up but as a chore.

When I noted that they didn't seem particularly excited, They would say things like 

 

"I'm trying to make sure you have sex at least twice a month"

 

and

"I'm glad the honey moon phase is over and we can move on to the friendship part of the relationship" 
 

I figured it was a lack of skill on my part being an inexperienced rube.  Several months of  Videos, lectures, articles, and  toys later.... 

" I've never really liked sex that much, I just have a really low libido" 

COVID hit, depression hit, maybe it was depression? they changed jobs and got medication and are "The most content they've ever been"

They had another medical condition that required surgery maybe thats it? Surgery was 3 months ago at this point, no change.  

I start googling and stumble upon this

 

https://vocal.media/filthy/signs-your-partner-may-be-asexual

 

and...welp... shit. Nearly word for word conversations. 

 

other pieces begin to fall in place, little signs here and there...

 

What do i do? How do i bring this up non-confrontationally? I love them a lot... 

 

 

[ofMindAndHeart]

It sounds like regardless of whether or not your partner ultimately ends up identifying on the asexual spectrum, they are probably at the very least experiencing some complicated feelings on the subject of sex.

 

Note that the article you linked seems to be written by someone who only knows 2 asexual people in real life, and it misrepresents some things about asexual people in general. I’m glad you decided to come here to get answers, as it shows you’re willing to do more research and open to learning.

 

Just to clear up one misconception from the article: Ace people are not always going around deliberately lying about their identities in order to sneak into relationships with allosexual (non-asexual) people. I’ve heard from a lot of people who know they are ace who are very upfront about their orientation with potential romantic partners.
 

What can happen though is that someone might not know they are asexual, or might not even know being asexual is a possible orientation. This is a really stressful position to be in: not wanting sex the same way everyone expects you to, feeling pressured into sexual activity you don’t actually want, believing you are alone in your experience and feeling broken, and not having any role models or guidance for how to navigate relationships because you don’t even know there’s a word for it. It can be confusing and distressing. If there’s a chance your partner might be struggling with some of these things, then talking with them about it may require some patience and empathy from your side.

 

It is possible for some relationships to work between asexual and allosexual people. Some asexual folks still have sex. Some allosexual people have low libido, or will consider an open relationship to get sexual needs met. It all depends on the specifics of whether you and your partner are compatible - the same as is true for relationships between allosexual people. There’s this truly fantastic explanation video about how to navigate intimacy in ace/allo partnerships that is honestly just as valuable if your partner turns out not to be ace.

 

In the end there are probably some questions you’ll need to consider about yourself: Would you be okay with dating someone who feels emotionally/aesthetically/romantically attracted to you but not sexually attracted? (turns out there are many kinds of attraction). Are you okay with dating someone who would only have sex fairly infrequently? What about someone who mainly is having sex as a way to do something good for you, not for themself? Can you be patient with someone who is struggling to figure out how they feel about sex? Would you stay in a relationship with someone who didn’t want sex at all?

 

If your answer to any of those questions is ‘yes’ then you may want to reassure your partner of that. If any of your answers are ‘no’ then those will be subjects that are important to talk about honestly. There’s nothing wrong with needing sex or sexual attraction and deciding those things are relationship dealbreakers for you, but it can be good to try to investigate potential incompatibilities early, even though it’s hard.

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, AlloVerdad said:

What do i do? How do i bring this up non-confrontationally

Communication is pretty much key in all relationships.  Perhaps read up on Non-Violent Communication. Here's a good book.

[Shoro]

@ofMindAndHeart

That’s the most clear and efficient guidance /explanation/breakdown I’ve ever heard on this topic. Thanks for posting, that’s really helpful 😊

[nanogretchen4]

It is true that asexuals vary a lot in terms of how much they are willing to have sex for the sake of a mixed orientation relationship and how much they enjoy sex when they have it. It is also true that the great majority of asexuals don't want to have sex, in fact most actively want not to have sex. Some asexuals still have sex that they really hate and may even be traumatized by, because they are afraid of the consequences of not having sex. I'm just putting this out there because your partner's words and behavior make it very clear that they don't want to have sex, right? So you can ignore anything people tell you about sex favorable asexuals, because your partner is obviously not sex favorable.

 

As for how to bring up asexuality nonconfrontationally, you could say something like, "Hey, I read something on the internet the other day that says some people are asexual. Have you ever heard of anything like that?" Then see where the conversation leads you. If your partner doesn't seem to know much about asexuality, be sure to mention AVEN.

[uhtred]

I think deciding on labels doesn't help. What matters is compatibility: is there a level of sexual interaction that makes both of you happy.  It doesn't matter in the slightest where that level is relative to average people, because neither of you is in a relationship with the average person.  

[iff]

On 12/23/2021 at 5:40 AM, uhtred said:

I think deciding on labels doesn't help. What matters is compatibility: is there a level of sexual interaction that makes both of you happy.  It doesn't matter in the slightest where that level is relative to average people, because neither of you is in a relationship with the average person.  

Yes, this reminds of the quote from Andrea Neuman that a relationship needs a "conciliation of desires" between both partners

[nanogretchen4]

A small fraction of mixed orientation couples are able to make it work in a way that brings long term happiness to both partners. So it is possible in theory, but usually there are special mitigating circumstances in the more successful mixed orientation relationships. Special mitigating circumstances include things like both partners want a polyamorous relationship or the sexual partner can adapt easily to lifelong celibacy or the partner who identifies with the asexual label nevertheless actually wants partnered sex on a semi regular basis. When no such special mitigating circumstances exist, the course of action that most often leads to longterm happiness for both partners is breaking up. Lots of people have been in relationships for three years or longer with people who turned out not to be compatible life partners for them. Mixed orientation relationships are unusual and have a low success rate, but breakups are a near universal part of life.