My girlfriend might be asexual, unsure how to proceed

[nilsfrahm]

My girlfriend (Late 20s F) and I (Lates 20s M) have been together for almost 2 years, though we've known each other for years. I am very happy with most aspects of our relationship. I really feel like she is my soulmate, I am deeply in love and I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. There is one major issue in our relationship - initimacy. I have a high libido, she has (very) low libido.  We have been treading this issue together, through open (but respectful) communication and with the help of a sex therapist and our individual therapists. Therapy has been helpful. For example, I used to takes this very personal. I felt rejected because of her low sex drive. I now know it has nothing to do with me or how attractive I am, she simply has a low sex drive. I have never been in a relationship with someone with a lower drive, so this takes some getting used to.

 

Right now, I feel like I'm at a dead end, though. It is dawning on me that we really are sexually incompatible, and we will never be compatible. I am starting to consider she might be on the asexual spectrum. I have discussed this with her - she has done some research, and she disagrees, she does not consider herself asexual. She took an online self-assesment tent and scored 'mild indication of asexuality'. During our relationship, I have noticed that:

 

• She never (or very rarely) masturbates. When she does masturbate (once every month or two months), she does not fantasize about sex or watch porn - it is purely a physical sensation for her
• She never watches porn (she has told me she finds it gross, usually)
• She has told me she never really thinks about sex, it's not something that's on her mind on day to day basis
• She is not very comfortable talking about sex, she sometimes tries to shift the subject when sex is brought up
• No dirty talk, no sexual innuendo - ever
• When we do have sex, it sometimes feels 'off' to me. I can't really put my finger on it, but she doesn't feel really into it. It feels robotic, artificial.
• She prefers planned sex to spontaneous sex
• She is very vanilla, she dislikes adventurous sex
• She has trouble understanding why people place such an emphasis on sex
• She has episodes where sex can be very painful to her because of vaginal infections (thrush, BV)
• She has trouble getting wet most of the time
• She says she has trouble feeling relaxed during sex
• She feels indifferent about sex

 

Does this sound like she might be asexual? FYI, She has no history of sexual abuse that she knows of. She does say that sex with me has been painful for most of our relationship because of some stubborn vaginal infections, and claims that this is the reason for her current issues with sex. However, I feel that most of these issues are more deeply rooted and would also be present without the infections. I know for certain some of these issues were present before the pain.

 

I am not satisfied with our sex life. I'm high libido myself, my preferred frequency would be sex every two days on average. We have sex about once every week. Even though she tells me she does enjoy it, I know it's more than she'd prefer. She says she enjoys it, and I do believe her, but it really feels like 'duty sex'. There have been periods where we went weeks without sex, and she did not seem to miss it.

 

I do my best not to pressure her for sex, but sometimes my frustration gets the best of me. I also have trouble initiating because she has rejected me on many occasions. She gets mad when I complain about our sex life, because 'I never initiate'. I'm not used to having to artificially initiate sex - It feels like in previous relationships, sex would happen more spontaneously. It just happened - there would be some cuddling, intimate kissing, and then it would happen. With my current girlfriend, these contexts do not exist. When we do cuddle and kiss, it's sweet and affectionate, but never in a sexy way. She gives these little pecks, instead of passionate kissing. They're cute, but not sexy. She has stated that she really dislikes spontaneous sex. She prefers planned sex, she says it allows her to prepare mentally. I really want to give that a try if it helps her feel comfortable, but to be honest it does kill the mood a bit for me. 

 

I'm at a loss right now, I don't know what to do. I have been feeling very sad for the past weeks, even depressed at times. I love this girl to bits, but I also want a healthy sex life, sex is really important to me in a relationship.  I don't want to cheat, and ethical non-monogamy is off the table for her. It's not an option for me to leave her, I love her too much, but it's also not an option to settle for this sex life. This is an impossible dilemma. I really want to try and make things work, and we have been working really hard, but it really feels like we're incompatible. Realizing that she might be asexual is helping me come to terms with the fact that we will never be sexually compatible. I had some hope that her sex drive would increase as we went through therapy and did some experimenting with what works and what doesn't. She has made it clear to me that it will not increase, this is the way she is, and she has asked me to stop trying to change her. I realize I have been putting a lot of pressure on her the past months. I have asked to go see the sex therapist again, but she says she's done with couples therapy. She says it's my problem now - I'm the one who's unsatisfied, she is not, so I should see my own therapist.

 

I have been reading on here about ace-allo relationships and have been relating to a lot of the things people are writing. I would love to get some input from ace's and allo's alike. Does my girlfriend sound like she is asexual? Can an allo-ace relationship work in the long run? I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, I could use some pointers. Thanks a lot, and take care.

[Mountain House]

Welcome @nilsfrahm,

Your post is pretty relatable to most sexuals here.

 

32 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

Does my girlfriend sound like she is asexual?

Doesn't matter.  She is/isn't.  Just a label.  She has given you the lowdown so you know where she is.  You right now are seeing the best there will ever be and it could very well diminish from here.

 

34 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

She says it's my problem now - I'm the one who's unsatisfied, she is not, so I should see my own therapist.

Seriously, bravo for her!

 

You have 4 options.  You've read ahead and you already know this:

 

1. Celibacy.  

36 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

but I also want a healthy sex life, sex is really important to me in a relationship. 

We can quibble about the definition of healthy here (a person that chooses celibacy has a healthy sex life) but I'll assume, as you put it up post, every 2 days.  So, celibacy is out.

 

2. Compromise.

40 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

it really feels like 'duty sex'.

...

She prefers planned sex, she says it allows her to prepare mentally.

I'm just shooting a guess out there but this reads like a common compromise around here.  You have this.

 

3. ENM.

42 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

ethical non-monogamy is off the table for her.

That's out.

 

4. Break up.

42 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

It's not an option for me to leave her

That's out too.  (truthfully, it's never out.  This option can't be deleted.)

 

44 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

but it really feels like we're incompatible.

It sounds like it.

 

45 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

She has made it clear to me that it will not increase, this is the way she is, and she has asked me to stop trying to change her.

Again, bravo for her.

 

45 minutes ago, nilsfrahm said:

I had some hope

I remember those days.  Gut wrenching when it becomes clear that it is dead.

 

Okay, I mean this is the kindest way.  A relationship where one of the people in it is miserable is not a healthy fulfilling happy relationship.  You have option 2. to work with and if this isn't going to fulfill you then you should really consider breaking up.  Save the people at the cost of the relationship vs the other way around.

[Lichley]

2 hours ago, nilsfrahm said:

I had some hope that her sex drive would increase as we went through therapy

Ace and allo relationships rely on a middle ground where no one is forced to do something they don’t enjoy but satisfaction is still reached, she’s pushed as far as she’s willing and it sounds like you have too, but she’s tired of all the therapy appointments and you trying to change her, and you’re tired of unfulfilling sex and having your mood killed, and no comfortable middle ground can be reached. Sexual incompatibility is a thing that has ended many relationships, ace or not, and it’s understandable that you’re in love and don’t want to lose her, but you’re only building up resentment over the fact that things won’t change. You’ve said it yourself, you get frustrated with her not wanting sex with you, you feel depressed and unappreciated because you’re not getting the sexual attention you so desire. It’s understandable that you’re in love and you care about her and your relationship, but even you yourself have said that it’s starting to fall apart. One of these days you’re going to have to make a decision, end it amicably whilst you’re still on good terms or wait for the resentment to build up and leave bitter and frustrated. It’s  sad note to end it on, and I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice, but as much as it will hurt now it will leave you better off in the long run. I wish you the best, and I hope you can find happiness wherever you end up.

[CiaoBellaX]

I feel where you are. I went through all of this recently with my husband. He denied it to and didn’t want to be labelled. 
 

I thought about all different possibilities (open marriage, divorce, sexual compromise) because I have a high sex drive and he has virtually no interest in sex. We haven’t had sex in 2 years.

 

For me, the real turning point came when he finally looking in to asexuality and admitted he identified with it. It wasn’t easy for him to accept it, but he couldn’t deny it described him accurately.

 

The rejection, the “he doesn’t want me!”, the feeling that something needed to be fixed, worrying that there was something wrong with me, with him, or us… it all disappeared.

 

The realisation that everything we had together was so wonderful and how much I adored him (and now I believed he adored me too, which I hadn’t believed before because I felt he didn’t want me), the life we have built together…. Was a lack of sex going to make me walk away from all of that? I can’t masturbate 🤷‍♀️
 

I’ll always want him sexually but I expect nothing from him. And now I don’t take it personally. 
 

He is my soulmate, as you say she is yours. I wouldn’t walk away from him over a lack of sex. 
 

I’ve been in relationships where the sex has been epic, but the relationships were a car crash. 
 

I know which one made me happier.

Oh and I invested in some fancy expensive sex toys for myself, just as a self-care treat 😉 

 

I’ve had very amazing hot sex before I met my husband; would I walk away from my marriage if the same was offered to me now? NEVER.

[nilsfrahm]

11 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Welcome @nilsfrahm,

Your post is pretty relatable to most sexuals here.

 

Doesn't matter.  She is/isn't.  Just a label.  She has given you the lowdown so you know where she is.  You right now are seeing the best there will ever be and it could very well diminish from here.

 

Seriously, bravo for her!

 

You have 4 options.  You've read ahead and you already know this:

 

1. Celibacy.  

We can quibble about the definition of healthy here (a person that chooses celibacy has a healthy sex life) but I'll assume, as you put it up post, every 2 days.  So, celibacy is out.

 

2. Compromise.

I'm just shooting a guess out there but this reads like a common compromise around here.  You have this.

 

3. ENM.

That's out.

 

4. Break up.

That's out too.  (truthfully, it's never out.  This option can't be deleted.)

 

It sounds like it.

 

Again, bravo for her.

 

I remember those days.  Gut wrenching when it becomes clear that it is dead.

 

Okay, I mean this is the kindest way.  A relationship where one of the people in it is miserable is not a healthy fulfilling happy relationship.  You have option 2. to work with and if this isn't going to fulfill you then you should really consider breaking up.  Save the people at the cost of the relationship vs the other way around.

Thanks for the insight, @Mountain House. I feel like we still haven't fully explored the 'compromise' option. And I have to be honest, having sex once a week is not that bad, even though it's less than I need. She has told me what works for her: planned sex, choosing the right moments (not on weeknights, not when she's stressed), going very slowly, showing her that I want her sexually (this is is tough - because of the situation we're in I can feel my lust for her dwindling, it's a vicious cycle. I need to feel wanted by her to want her.).

 

I need to let go that of the idea that we will ever be having the hot, steamy, spontaneous 'rip your clothes off in the kitchen'- kind of sex. I do miss having this kind of sex from previous relationships. But then again, these relationships were unfulfilling or downright toxic in other ways. Maybe we should be exploring stuff like tantric sex. I do masturbate a lot and watch porn from time to time to quench my thirst for 'slutty' sex. It helps to bring temporarily relief, but I feel like it only makes things worse in the long run. Looking at other couples (I only watch homemade porn) have the kind of sex I like is making me realise what I'm missing out on. 

 

9 hours ago, Lichley said:

Ace and allo relationships rely on a middle ground where no one is forced to do something they don’t enjoy but satisfaction is still reached, she’s pushed as far as she’s willing and it sounds like you have too, but she’s tired of all the therapy appointments and you trying to change her, and you’re tired of unfulfilling sex and having your mood killed, and no comfortable middle ground can be reached. Sexual incompatibility is a thing that has ended many relationships, ace or not, and it’s understandable that you’re in love and don’t want to lose her, but you’re only building up resentment over the fact that things won’t change. You’ve said it yourself, you get frustrated with her not wanting sex with you, you feel depressed and unappreciated because you’re not getting the sexual attention you so desire. It’s understandable that you’re in love and you care about her and your relationship, but even you yourself have said that it’s starting to fall apart. One of these days you’re going to have to make a decision, end it amicably whilst you’re still on good terms or wait for the resentment to build up and leave bitter and frustrated. It’s  sad note to end it on, and I’m sorry I don’t have any better advice, but as much as it will hurt now it will leave you better off in the long run. I wish you the best, and I hope you can find happiness wherever you end up.

 

Hi @Lichley. You are right about building up resentment. I can feel myself turning very bitter towards her, and she is starting to notice. She really doesn't deserve to be treated badly because of this, she's so sweet. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. I don't feel ready to let get of her yet, I really don't. 

 

8 hours ago, CiaoBellaX said:

I’ve been in relationships where the sex has been epic, but the relationships were a car crash. 
 

I know which one made me happier.

 

Hi @CiaoBellaX.This one hits home! I know what you're saying. I've had some of the best sex I've ever had with people or in relationships that were downright toxic. This relationship is really the best thing to happen to me in the past years. There's no one I will ever love more.

 

I'm happy for you, it sounds like you've made up for mind and are willing to compromise. I hope you will manage. I'm still having trouble with the idea of compromise. Sex is really important for my mental wellbeing. I will try to keep looking for ways to compromise.

 

[SusannaC]

1 hour ago, nilsfrahm said:

Sex is really important for my mental wellbeing. I will try to keep looking for ways to compromise.

Good luck to you.  You aren’t alone in this sentiment.  It’s simply how some of us are wired, so no shame there

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, nilsfrahm said:

She has told me what works for her: planned sex, choosing the right moments (not on weeknights, not when she's stressed), going very slowly, showing her that I want her sexually

I've been told this to a T.  With the caveat that she can always say no, goes without saying, which does happen.  When she does say no it doesn't bother me anymore.  Better yet, it doesn't bother her either.  This helps to alleviate the trap that planned sex adds stress.  [Basically, we have planned near naked intimate time with no expectation of sex.  Just that we create the context where she can choose.]

 

2 hours ago, nilsfrahm said:

Maybe we should be exploring

Everything, use your imagination.  Tantra, yep, that can be fun.  We sometimes have a non-sexual sensation play date that is pretty awesome. 

[MrDane]

if you like eachother and wants to stay together, forget about compromise. Go after good solutions instead. If she is more comfortable with a planned date, go for that. An asexual once said: if you want sex with an ace, dont want it to much because that will give you less of a chance of getting it. So take sexy out of the equation. 

i look at it more like a mutual cozy time, with a nice massage. Sometimes she is open for/allows me to/likes my massage on her. Sometimes she just gives and since this agreement is based in love and understanding it feels nice. but it has to be very clear that it is a mutual agreement.