Need help soring relationship conundrum

[Akriant]

I am usually the problem solver. Hell, it's my job to solve problems and to find winning strategies. Yet this one I can't figure out. Every scenario I run in my head leads to inevitable conclusion of a breakup. Yet, I honestly don't want that outcome and maybe there is something I am missing that is obvious that can resolve the issue.

 

Long story short:

 

I met this girl a few years back while working at the same company. Due to HR policies never made any moves, yet she had always peaked my interest. (Sharp mind, witty, amazing personality, beautiful eyes, captivating smile - everything that I have ever dreamed to find in a perfect partner.) Subsequently I left said job. We kept in touch.  In the beginning of this year we started seeing each other. As time progressed I have discovered she is an ace or at least believes to be an ace. I am sexual. Very much so. 

 

Long story short - 8 months into dating - no sex. Never got past second base. She will always stop or somewhat freak out. Past few months she kind of became more closed about it. We've talked regarding this problem on a few occasions. She says she likes to please her partner, yet find sex gross. But when I try to clarify if she finds sex disgusting and doesn't want it - she assures me that is not the case. Claims to be attracted to me, more than to anyone else she has ever been to, yet is guarded and not willing to do anything with me on practice, at the same time saying that she had past partners. 

 

I am both saddened, somewhat irritated and confused about this whole situation. Saddened because I can't shake the feeling that it's me that is the issue. Confused because the claims she likes to please her partners, yet doesn't do anything to show that with me. Irritated because I am not sure if the issue is my approach (which would be a byproduct of trying harder to get it, because I am not getting it, and as a result pushing her away by making it awkward?), her not being truthful with me and/or herself or a combination of both.

 

I love this woman, and I will be honest - if I didn't love her, I would have ran for the hills long time ago. I don't know how long I can last in a sex-less relationship. We have discussed this, but couldn't come to a workable solution - she kind of gets defensive about it, in a sense that I can practically see her erecting walls around her while talking to her, and on my end I am not willing to give up sex. I get where she is coming from and why she does the whole defense/distancing act. I respect her and I don't push her about it. We recently decided to put a moratorium on talks about the elephant in the room for a few months because they seemed to just make things more awkward and see if we can get there in a spur of the moment and not concentrate on sex at all. 

 

I was thinking of doing couples counseling to see if something can be done if things don't get better in a few months, but maybe I am delusional?

 

On my end I can say that with all her positive sides I would be fine with very infrequent sex, because I have never been with anyone who was so much compatible with me in every other way, but I don't know what can be done to achieve this. 

 

P.S. English is my 4th language, so in the event I am sounding accusatory towards my SO - that is not the case, sometimes it's hard to come up with words. I am trying to get input of what we can do as a couple to solve this.

[AspieAlly613]

Sounds like you have different definitions of "pleasing a partner."  Perhaps start by clarifying that with each other?

[Akriant]

1 minute ago, AspieAlly613 said:

Sounds like you have different definitions of "pleasing a partner."  Perhaps start by clarifying that with each other?

Any suggestions on how to do that without coming off accusatory or like a d*ck?  Aside from the obvious "what does it mean to please your partner", which seems like straight forward thing to ask?

[AspieAlly613]

2 minutes ago, Akriant said:

Any suggestions on how to do that without coming off accusatory or like a d*ck?  Aside from the obvious "what does it mean to please your partner", which seems like straight forward thing to ask?

You're not going to be able to address this without referring to sex explicitly.  If you feel like you'd need some form of partnered orgasm to be satisfied in a romance, mention it, and if you can't come to a compromise, leave and make sure it's clear that it's mutual incompatibility, not that anything's wrong with her.

[AspieAlly613]

Oh, I also just realized that you can probably get better advice if I moved this thread to the "For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies" forum.  That's usually where questions about mixed allosexual/asexual romances go, and the people who frequent that forum are more used to addressing those questions.  I'll move it there shortly.  I feel silly for forgetting about that, as a moderator.

[nanogretchen4]

Your girlfriend is a sex repulsed asexual. That will not change. It is an orientation, not a disease or a symptom of something else or a project that she or anyone else needs to "work on".

 

Your girlfriend does not enjoy any type of sex for any reason, including to please a partner. By now she is well aware that you want sex and that the stakes for the current relationship are high. Nevertheless, sex is so disgusting and horrible for her that she has not been able to bring herself to do it in the whole eight months you've been dating. 

 

Why does she say she likes to please a partner? Who knows? Maybe she is having trouble accepting her orientation right now. Maybe she is wishing she were a typical sexual person so that she could keep typical sexual partners happy and would not have to put extra effort into finding compatible partners. Maybe she is wishing there was some magic way to satisfy you without any of the horrible gross sexual stuff she can't even bear to think about.

 

It sounds like you spent a long time developing feelings for an idealized version of this woman in your mind before you knew she was asexual. Your fantasy version of her looks like her and has many of the same personality traits, but is not asexual. That fantasy woman does not exist. The real woman you have been dating for eight months has always been asexual and always will be.

 

There are only four resolutions to a mixed orientation relationship.

 

1. The asexual has unwanted sex.

 

This is horrible. Also, it is not up to you and there is nothing you can do about it. You should stop hoping for this. Take it completely off the table forever.

 

2. The sexual partner gives up sex forever.

 

You have already vetoed this one.

 

3. Ethical nonmonogamy.

 

Instead of dating only each other, you and your partner could also date other people. You could have sex with other people while still dating your partner if that is okay with her.

 

4. Breakup.

 

To be honest, the best time to do this is usually the same conversation where you find out you have incompatible sexual orientations. Putting it off never makes it easier.