I’m on the struggle bus.

[AlaskaAce]

I feel like a part of me has died.

 

This is kind of a lot but….

 

I’ve always been different. I think I am on the autism spectrum but I’m 47. They didn’t really diagnose that when I was a kid unless you were not able to be high-functioning. I am high-functioning and I really just couldn’t figure out what was WRONG with me. 

 

I’ve never been able to make friends and understand making conversation. Connecting to other humans has always been difficult. I have never enjoyed sex jokes or innuendo but I trained myself to understand the jokes and to participate so I could seem more normal. Most of my adult life is pretending to be who I am NOT. 

 

I just thought it was because I was weird and I mostly ended up hanging out with the art and theater crowd. Basically we all thought of ourselves as the “mutants” and we embraced it but even amongst the weird, I am still so different but there was always this hope….

 

I have always hoped that I would find someone that was the same brand of weird and we could have a “normal” relationship. With, you know, sex…fulfilling sex and the matching desires.

 

There was never a question in my upbringing about what life is. You grow up, you fall in love, you enjoy sexual relations. My brother is gay and we never thought anything else. He has been who he is since birth and we loved him for who he is. He’s amazing and I love his husband so much. But. I. Cannot. Wrap. My. Head. Around. This. 

 

I was in my mid-20’s when I found someone and got married. We had a lot of good times together but something was off. We just never got there sexually and I thought it was because I was a prude. I basically did anything requested of me and I never felt bad about it because it seemed normal to me. Still, it was almost completely unfulfilling for me. He started cheating on me. Sometimes with men. I don’t mind bisexuality but we were married and I was doing everything I was “supposed to.”  It hurt me so badly. I wanted to die. I had to seek mental healthcare. I had a child with him and she was terrified because Mommy couldn’t stop crying for days. After that things just degraded for years. Clearly I must be Demi because once the trust was gone I couldn’t even want to try. We languished on for another ten years until I just couldn’t try anymore. 

 

I left and I took our (by then) two kids with me. We were living with my mom and it took over a year to get my feet under me. I finally was able to afford an apartment and I had a job that just covered the bills. I even had a car.
 

Then I met someone. Another relationship began. At first it was pretty good. Then COVID hit and we moved in together to make rent affordable. We both had kids and our jobs had been furloughed. I only worked every two weeks. Then I got unemployment for two weeks. It was bad. Eventually they let us both go and he started making it clear that he thought I didn’t pay enough every month. It was like there was a score sheet and he thought the only way to even things out was to hit it with him everyday. Sometimes more than once. As you all know, that is not great for people like me. I felt like a sex doll and not a person. 

 

I had to leave. This meant moving in with my mom with my oldest daughter (my youngest ended up with my ex but that’s a different story) and leaving everything that I couldn’t fit in a tiny storage space. At this point I decided I might never want sex again, though I never much wanted it to begin with. 

 

I had sort of heard of asexuality at a drag show but I didn’t understand what it was. I have never felt great about sex. I felt broken because I was what the Norms called “frigid” in my day. I felt shame. So much shame because I couldn’t be normal. I hoped that someday I would have a great experience and it would open a door for me to like this thing that I had never liked because that is the narrative that I was fed for my whole life. 

 

But I couldn’t and I didn’t have any Earth-shaking epiphany. I think I never will. 

 

My daughter is now an adult and she identified as asexual. I didn’t understand. So I sought to understand because I love her no matter how she identifies and I support her no matter how diverse she is. So I looked it up and whaaaaaat? She basically told me what I am by telling me who she is. 

 

At first it was just so freeing because I am not alone. Then I realized that we are a very small subset of the queer community. In fact, when I first heard of people like me, it was in a statement about how the queer community is having a hard time understanding us because so many of their community didn’t know what to do with people that don’t want sex because it was such a strong part of their identity. I feel such loss. There is little hope of being able to find a life partner in my head now. I want to stop feeling so very alone. The only other person I know like me is my daughter and I can’t go there with her. 

 

Anyway. That is where I am and I just had to put it out there, even if it is negative and almost morbid. Thanks for “listening”.  

[Twy]

Hello @AlaskaAce

 

Nothing morbid about this, don't feel bad for sharing your story. 

 

I'm sorry you have had so many struggles. 

 

If you want to find a partner, it will be difficult (no point in sugar coating it), but I think that understanding yourself better is always a good think. Now you can try to look for a partner that understands and accepts you and that doesn't try to force or expect the impossible for you. And if that doesn't happen, accepting yourself is liberating, and you can start looking at your life with another mindset. 

 

I hope you feel welcome here!

 

There is a forum for older people where you can find more people with similar experiences

 

 

 

 

[slywlf]

You are not alone! Welcome and virtual hug!!!

My story has many parallels, and I made my discovery even later - in my early 60s, after 30 years of marriage misery.

This is a safe space, so look around and make yourself at home. Lots of folks with similar stories.

It isn't necessarily going to be easy, and yes, there are issues to deal with, even within the LGBTQ+ community, but it is better to finally 'know', isn't it?

At least I am finding it so. At this stage of my life I don't feel the need to 'come out' except to a couple close friends who I already know will accept the news calmly. It is mainly such a relief to know I will never be in a position where I have to fake it anymore! 

I hope you start feeling more settled soon and begin to enjoy the freedom of knowing who you really are <3

[PinkSunflower]

You’re not alone AlaskaAce! I didn’t figure out I was Ace until I was 37, married 15 years and had 3 kids. I feel like I’m in a giant mess at the moment where I don’t want to split up my family but I am sick of being someone I’m not. I’ve told my husband, he’s been understanding, we’ve taken sex off the table to work on our relationship but I know it’s only a matter of time until he asks about when we’ll have sex again and I feel like I never want to do it again. 😕

[Psycho Butterfly]

AlaskaAce, everything you wrote makes so much sense. 

Self-awareness can be scary, especially when it comes later in life. I'm 44 and all of this terminology is only a few weeks old for me. 

I'm straight up Aromantic myself and very much enjoy sex, but have never been sexually attracted to anyone. I just love touch...in the right ways. And I have zero interest in partnership. I've also felt Autistic. People never understand me. I define love in a totally different way than, I would guess, 99% of the planet. 

All that aside though...

I want you to know, I have met (and been married to) asexual men. Men who are very romantic, but don't want sex. They never admit it. But I know. My vibes have never failed me.

I want to assure you that they are out there.

Your dream life IS possible. You just have to imagine it. In all it's personally satisfying ways. Keep building that self-awareness and learn what truly brings you, YOU, passion. You deserve to know you, fully. And to accept yourself, fully. 

My suggestion is to be very transparent. When you have an opportunity to date someone, let the asexual part of yourself be known. Have the conversation. Put it all on the table to begin with, whatever that might look like. And then just go with the flow. 

You're obviously awesome, your daughter seems to be proof of that. 

"Hugs"

PB

[AceofSpader]

I completely relate to this I am 33 and have struggled with the fact I don't fit the norms I never have even as a child. I used to think I was just weird or strange when I was young I idolized male characters in movies or tv shows and most of my friends were always male but as I hit my teen years people started to think something was wrong with me because I had not interest in having a boyfriend like other girls I just wanted to hang with the boys and this lead to the most horrific event of my life at 14 when my mom's ( I use this term only technically) long term boyfriend and my father (again only for technical use) raped me while she stood there and watched it happen. Thankfully a couple I babysat for got me out of that life and adopted me but the horror of that never goes away.

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed by what happened and I wanted so desperately to be normal in my new life which meant I needed to be like other girls my age so the first guy who showed intrest in me I decided to start dating and at first it seemed great we just hung out and I was ok with it but then he wanted more he wanted to start touching me and when I  didn't like it he'd just say relax and I so desperately wanted to be normal that I would let him and it just got worse from there everytime he wanted sex I would just lay there trying to think of anything else. He and I got engaged and the horror of thinking this was my life forever made me wish for death, till finally I found someone who I trusted to talk to and who helped me get out of the hell I was living after things got very abusive. My son was born 9 months after I left in the middle of the night. 

I haven't had a relationship in 13 yrs and I have never been happier. I don't have to worry that I don't enjoy sex or cuddling or even being touched. I have just been living for me. In 2010 when a friend told me about asexuals I couldn't believe I wasn't a defect, I was never broken or damaged and there were others like me. Once I accepted who I was as an asexual/aromantic it was like the world got better. It still upsets me when people judge me like it's not a real thing or question why I have guy friends, but I know how I feel and I can live knowing I'm not damaged.