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If you are married to a sexual, have you tried an open marriage?


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La Tache Noire

I’m in my 50s and am only now waking up to the fact that I am asexual. It explains so many questions, and eases so much anxiety. I’ve been in a committed relationship for almost 30 years and this has been our one insurmountable obstacle. We are deeply attached romantically and emotionally but sex is a problem! Does anyone out there have a successfully open marriage so that the sexual partner can find that physical connection elsewhere? It’s something we are considering for the first time.

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LoveNotSex?

Short answer: yes, as written here:
 

 

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Married thirty eight years. At twelve years she knew something was “not right” about our sex life. Following the thought that you have to open the door and cope if your loved one flew away, I told her I had no problem with an open marriage and if she found someone she would rather be with, I would give her a divorce because her happiness was the most important thing to me. She thought about it for several days and then than thanked me and said she did not want that. There have been some rough times since then, but we stuck it out. 


Having just figured out there was an “asexual” reality, we have both read Angela Chen’s book and found answers to all the questions that tormented us. We both feel a great sense of relief and closure.

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AceMissBehaving

Yes, I’m asexual, my husband isn’t, we’ve been married close to 18 years and opened up our relationship back in 2019.

 

He and his other partner just had their 1 year anniversary together a few weeks ago.

 

I’m good friends with his other partner, and we hang out as a group pretty regularly, typically a few times a week. They also do stuff together obviously just the two of them

 

It’s worked well for us so far, he’s been much happier, and so have I

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  • 3 weeks later...
Rev.Misfit

I’ll admit I’ve been wanting to ask the similar questions for those who are married to someone who is sexual, and whether they have successfully have had an open marriage. 
 

My husband is sexual, and I am asexual, which he both respects and doesn’t try to change me. And we are rarely intimate, and when we are sexually intimate, I do it for him, but I get nothing from it and would prefer it didn’t happen in general. 
 

We have briefly discussed having an open marriage (quietly, due to his profession), and to see if that could be successful, as another person can give him sexually what I cannot. But he’s extremely loyal, does not betray me in anyway, and would only allow a third of its another female and I’m accepting of the female being in a relationship with both of us emotionally and with him sexually. Otherwise outside that, he won’t consider an open marriage - where he has someone else or I have someone else. 
 

It’s never easy being married to someone who is sexual when you yourself are not and are asexual. 

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hailhummus

Short answer: yes

Longer answer:
We opened up because my partner came into understanding that she was bi and I wanted her to be able to explore that. I actually came into my understand about a-specness after that. and it's been working out so far. 

If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading up on polyamory resources such as the book 'Polysecure,' 'Redefining our Relationships,' 'The Ethical Slut,' and 'Stepping off the Escalator.' If you use Instagram, there are some good pages like polyphiliablog and radicalrelating

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  • 4 weeks later...
JaclynA

I've been married 14 years in a traditional, monogamous relationship. A couple years ago I learned about asexuality and felt it described me pretty well. My husband is a very sexual creature and would prefer to have sex daily at minimum. And for years, we pretty much did. I was getting tired (obviously), so then we compromised to every other day. Oye. After discovering my asexuality and after a lot of honest conversations, we still do it frequently from an ace perspective, probably 2-3 times a week. However, for lack of a better way to describe it, he has lowered his expectations of me during sex. He doesn't expect me to finish every time like he used to (I guess it was linked to his manlihood whether I could finish as well), and sometimes it's just literally 5 min to take care of his needs instead of a full course meal. Also, on his own time he'll watch porn and take care of himself to help give me space, and to give me a longer break than just 2-3 days between sessions. 

 

At this point, I don't think I could endure an open marriage. I wonder about it sometimes and I know people in healthy poly relationships and I fully support those for whom an open marriage works. And honestly, I'm slightly jealous of those who can make it work. But, I just can't. We married young and sometimes I feel bad that I've "trapped" my husband. But he seems content and happy, we check on each other often to make sure we are each getting what we need from our relationship. We're pretty obsessed with each other and are as close to soul mates as you can get. I enjoy flirting, kissing, and hugging so we'll flirt often throughout the day which I think helps as well. Knowing the truth about myself has in a way brought us closer. We always get excited when we learn something new about each other. ❤️ 

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