Do sexual partners experience disadvantages (like negative comments, discrimination) when aces come out?

[LoveNotSex?]

I'm currently wondering whether (or to whom, respectively) I should come out as being on the ace spectrum (I've just told my partner and very few other people yet).
Besides other pros and cons of coming out, I worry that my sexual partner - or maybe also former partners / QPR, even friends or family ...? - might have a disadvantage from it or even be discriminated. I could imagine that they might get nasty comments from others which somehow blame or shame them for having an ace partner (or friend, child,... ), questioning our relationship/love, ... . The reactions aces themselves get can be pretty mean already, I wouldn't want that for my loved ones as well.

What are your experiences?

 

 

[Philip027]

You aren't responsible for other people being turdburglars.

 

Other people will always reasons to criticize and judge relationships that aren't even theirs, and people just have to learn to tune it out.

[Guest]

Some will get responses ranging from blaming them being bad in bed, to the ace is just cheating so thats why they don't wanna bang you, etc. Others will probably get advice to cheat since they are ace it won't matter. 

 

Especially for male sexuals, their partner not wanting them sexually will be a status loss. 

 

It really just depends on the people you tell. But, being made fun of for it is a real possibility. 

[Grimalkin]

I feel like coming out as a romantic asexual is a little different than coming out as aro/ace or gay or what have you. Unlike the others, it forces people to stop and think about how your relationship will work-- and make some assumptions about your sex life (though other LGBT people still get this, of course). As such, I've been hesitant to publicly come out just in case I ever do start seriously seeing a fellow. Toxic masculinity still being alive and well in the world, people are more likely to judge/shame men for not "getting any," and I don't want him to feel awkward about distant relations/friends/coworkers knowing that sex probably isn't being had that much in our relationship. 

 

That said, I don't actively hide my asexuality either. I still answer people honestly if asked, and my closest friends/my parents know. These are people that I've educated more on the subject, and people who are more likely to be polite about it to any future partner of mine. 

[superblonde]

I think they will, especially if he is a man. Maybe even more than the asexual partner. People might think that the asexual partner is mentally ill and walk on eggshells around them. But the sexual partner may be treated like they are a chump.

[Traveler40]

This is an interesting question as it assumes folks know what asexuality is or means. From the limited few I’ve enlightened, none understood. There’s no shame or stigma attached to something you’ve never heard of.
 

However, with lack of knowledge comes misunderstanding. My oldest friend tells me we need to do X or Y to ignite things in the bedroom and the advice keeps coming. No matter how clearly I’ve tried to explain the problem in our marriage, she only offers solutions to jumpstart the flame or counsels me to lean on God. You can’t expect folks to get it as it’s truly a foreign concept to many.

 

Along those same lines, I’m always surprised when I read threads titled, “How should I come out?” as if it’s a major undertaking. Sure, I understand from the inside, but the worry and concern assumes others know what it means. Frankly, many don’t, so they won’t actually judge you. Mostly, I suspect coming out simply means spreading awareness and educating the important few around you on differences in sexuality. 
 

EDIT: To deliver the import, I have used the analogy that it’s like having married a gay man: He has zero interest in having sex with me, or anyone else for that matter. That analogy seems to work best, but there’s still been confusion.

Thankfully, this isn’t something to generally discuss, rather it’s a couple of close friends you may open up to. I’ve found the one who’s embarrassed to talk about it is me. Beyond the sensitivity of the topic, I’m the one with both the history with and feelings about it. It profoundly impacts our lives, but mainly sits in the shadows in silence..

[anisotrophic]

I second @Traveler40’s take: the common reaction going to be that the couple has problems, someone is doing something wrong or some dysfunction exists.

 

That an asexual partner doesn’t want sex because they don’t feel loved / safe / valued, or is depressed, or lacks self esteem, or has anxiety or trauma or other issues causing repulsion, or doesn’t feel love for their partner, or has health issues, etc. They are going to think those things because ... they’re very often the truth. Note that the “issues” here can point “problems” at one partner or the other, it’s a mixed bag.

 

My partner is honestly absent / muted regarding sex, no internal fuel for it, but he can do it and enjoy it (responsive). The easiest way to get it across is to explain he has no gender preference, never thinks about it, never sought it out (rather, passively agreed to it when someone was interested in him). I don’t think of him as asexual or bisexual because I think the labels don’t help much at some point.

[LoveNotSex?]

Thanks for your replies, that's very helpful - rather sad, but doesn't surprise me.

[brbdogsonfire]

When I've told people that my SO is asexual I get a few responses. The major one is people saying they wouldn't date an asexual but understand why I would, I've had several women from work and school offer to either date me or to have sex with me behind my SO's back, and I've had people not at all care. I'd say 50% is in camp 1 with the remainder fairly evenly split between 2 and 3. I typically only tell people I've known for a while though.

 

[nanogretchen4]

If you are planning to stay in your current mixed-orientation and make it work, you should discuss this issue with your partner before you do anything that can't be undone. Given that your partner did not give informed consent to being in a mixed relationship, I think dealing with your incompatible orientation is already a lot for them without adding publicity. People will ask them a lot of questions about things they are probably still processing. If your partner is enthusiastically urging you to come out and telling you that they can't wait to march in the pride parade, go for it. If they don't want you to tell everyone, I think you should either honor their wishes or end the relationship so you can live your ace life to the fullest.