Question for Grays not Demis

[CharCharChar]

I recently made a post suggesting "dodra" but realized getting more information about how other grays experience attraction would be helpful. 

So, grays (of any attraction) who don't ID as demi, what circumstances do you experience attraction under? (or is it random for you)

[CharCharChar]

Or, if you are demi, but you feel like the emotional bond can show up quickly, I'd like to hear your perspective. 

Or honeslty just any gray or demi perspective.

[Skycaptain]

I identify as demi now. Previously I identified as aroace. It has taken several years for our relationship to develop from passing acquaintances to talking together, to friends, to best friends and travelling companions, to being in a relationship. 

The emotional bond probably took over a year to develop and it's taken over a year to expand from an emotional bond to actually starting a proper relationship. 

[Guest]

I think I may be gray-romantic, but still not sure if in those moments I really felt romantic, platonic or alterous attraction. But I feel the 2nd choice/answer describes pretty well what made me attracted to those persons.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I'm graysexual and for me when I do (rarely) experience sexual attraciton it's a combination of mood, how bonded I am to the person, how sensual I'm feeling and if those feelings are able to bridge into sexual feelings or not, or just a random primary attraction from something I like that I haven't seen in a very long time and that stirred me, though whether or not I could maintain those feelings throughout a whole sexual interaction is another matter.

 

Edit: Also, because of the last talk we had, I think maybe the second option isn't explained well, because you don't talk about 'in between', so 'not primary or secondary' could be taken as many many things 😜

[CharCharChar]

38 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Edit: Also, because of the last talk we had, I think maybe the second option isn't explained well, because you don't talk about 'in between', so 'not primary or secondary' could be taken as many many things 😜

I think the explanation I use here "A trait that is not immediately apparent (primary) but also not a bond developed over time (demi) - such as learning about an interest they have, that they offered you good adivce, that they treated you kindly."  is closer to what I'm trying to say than how I phrased it more broadly in the other thread. 

[CharCharChar]

Now I want to go poll allos and see how often their attraction is triggered by primary traits. Perhaps that kind of study already exists. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

5 minutes ago, CharCharChar said:

I think the explanation I use here "A trait that is not immediately apparent (primary) but also not a bond developed over time (demi) - such as learning about an interest they have, that they offered you good adivce, that they treated you kindly."  is closer to what I'm trying to say than how I phrased it more broadly in the other thread. 

Umm. Well in that case that's incredibly broad. Lots of things could trigger attraction that isn't primary or secondary attraction.

[Guest]

I would fall in some grey demi area. I experience attraction very rarely for 'physical people' (more commonly to to fictional characters) and cannot experience it at all without having some emotion toward the person. However that doesn't take aaaages or anything. It's more just that they're not physically attractive to me in any way, then somehow something will 'switch' and every aspect of them will become attractive to me: their body, thoughts, feelings, voice.. But without that switch they look like nothing to me, or may even seem ugly or repulsive. It's confusing enough that I have no idea how to answer that poll. The attraction comes more from some switch inside me, than from anything specific to do with them!

[CharCharChar]

49 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Umm. Well in that case that's incredibly broad. Lots of things could trigger attraction that isn't primary or secondary attraction.

Oh! You're saying that because I changed the language to "not primary not secondary" instead of "inbetween primary and secondary" that I broadened it. 

 

The intent is still that it's inbetween, and hopefully people taking the poll will pick up on that from the examples, but yes I see how I could have phrased that clearer. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

12 minutes ago, CharCharChar said:

Oh! You're saying that because I changed the language to "not primary not secondary" instead of "inbetween primary and secondary" that I broadened it. 

 

The intent is still that it's inbetween, and hopefully people taking the poll will pick up on that from the examples, but yes I see how I could have phrased that clearer. 

Yeah it's not the same, you broadened by like 100 fold lol.

You gave examples, and it seems like it could be anything that anyone does (that isn't a immediate trait that you see right away) or some random thing about them.

 

Nothing wrong with that if someone wants to know what else people can find triggering or arousing that isn't primary or a long bond, but it's broad, that's all 😜

[CharCharChar]

@PanFicto. Thanks so much for sharing. I hadn't considered that it could feel like that. I'd seen "random" used to describe some grey experiences, but I'd assumed that meant randomly feeling attraction but still triggered by someone's traits. .... which now that I explain it doesn't make as much sense

[CharCharChar]

20 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Yeah it's not the same at all, you broadened by like 100 fold lol.

You gave examples, but it could be anything that anyone does (t that isn't a immediate trait that you can see right away)

I guess I would limit it to "a non-primary trait you discover relatively early in knowing the person (perhaps within the first five minutes* of directly interacting with them) that triggers the attraction"

*which is based on my experience, but could be longer for other people

It's a very small sample size, but it seems about 50/50 for grays experiencing primary attraction. I must investigate more,

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, CharCharChar said:

I guess I would limit it to "a non-primary trait you discover relatively early in knowing the person (perhaps within the first five minutes* of directly interacting with them) that triggers the attraction"

*which is based on my experience, but could be longer for other people

It's a very small sample size, but it seems like most grays don't experience primary attraction. I must investigate more,

Yeah, it's too bad that secondary attraction wasn't defined to mean a secondary trait, which is actually kinda what you mean, I think.
I'm not arospec, so lots of things can trigger romantic attraction. Once it was a girl I started dating and she  was walking kind of dancing a little bit listening to music, and I just found her so cute, on an emotional level. Anyway, I guess all the things that are non-primary like that would fit in what you're talking about. (unless it has to be within minutes like youre saying)

It makes sense that a lot of grays wouldn't have primary attraction actually, but yeah it's not like we did polls on this before, so it's new to me too XD

[CharCharChar]

9 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Yeah, it's too bad that secondary attraction wasn't defined to mean a secondary trait, which is actually kinda what you mean, I think.

Exactly!

[CoffeeSloth]

Kindness, nice manners, mannerisms, positive energy, something unique (like a cool scar or freckles), humour, good hair, pretty eyes, eyebrows?! smelling nice, common interest. Can be anything really 😊😂

[CharCharChar]

Now that there's more votes, I see that attraction toward primary or primary-and-secondary traits is the most common. 

So perhaps there is value to "dodra" being those whose rare experience of attraction is only toward secondary traits (and maybe just one secondary trait?) and not triggered by primary traits.