AceInSomeWay Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 I really can't tell if I feel sexual attraction, and it's so confusing to me. TMI WARNING. I'm gray-biromantic, but I'm not attracted to any genitalia if you know what I mean. When people say they want to look or touch a guy's junk, I don't feel that way at all. It grosses me out. At the same time, I find people physically attractive. I also get crushes, have sexual fantasies (almost always separate from real-life people), masturbate (not to real-life people, mostly fictional and I'm not even there), like watching kissing in films, etc. I even have a sexual drive and think that with the right person, I'd be willing to have a sexual relationship. I get drawn to people and their appearance and such. I do identify as gray-biromantic because of the often infrequency of genuine romantic attraction (I've gone years without crushes and such things). But when it comes to asexuality, I feel like what I hear some aces say doesn't match to what I say. I've liked kissing a few people. I went far with a girl, and the feeling was nice, but I wasn't lusting after her personally or anything, the way I could tell she was with me. The difference was obvious, she even asked me if I was into it. I definitely liked her romantically though. The idea of seeing a guy shirtless is appealing, but below the waist not so much. But I do think I'd only date someone if I'm willing to have sex with them eventually. I do want that in a serious relationship so I can say I'm sex favorable. You know what I mean? So I can't tell if I'm asexual or not. I don't want to use asexuality if it isn't valid to me. I wonder if I'm bisexual and such things, but what bisexual people describe doesn't fit me. I'm just not sexual in that way towards other people the way they are. The confusion is really annoying and I'd love some clarification. I know there is gray-ace but I don't even know if I've felt sexual attraction at all to understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions Janus DarkFox Cover Welcome Lounge, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Photon Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 Don't have an answer for you but man, you just worded exactly what I've been feeling too.. Link to post Share on other sites
AceInSomeWay Posted September 14, 2020 Author Share Posted September 14, 2020 Glad I'm not the only one. I hate being so confused and I hope someone on here will have an answer for people like us. Ever just felt like you're so different, even in a community that's different? Link to post Share on other sites
Photon Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 yeah felt that one. like I don't feel sexual attraction or want to do anything when I see someone attractive, but I still see that they are attractive if that makes any sense ? Link to post Share on other sites
AceInSomeWay Posted September 14, 2020 Author Share Posted September 14, 2020 The thing is, I don’t want to date someone who I don’t find physically attractive. Like if I see someone I find pretty or handsome I might be interested in them, but not because I want to grab them and take them to bed right away lol. Though I’d want to be okay with doing that eventually, I’m driven by romantic feelings. I don’t know if imagining kissing someone and such is sexual attraction (I don’t do much of that anyway). I just think because I shudder when I think of touching a man’s junk and stuff is a sign I might be asexual, especially since I still find them romantically and aesthetically attractive. Like I said, I am sex favorable but I don’t know if I’m experiencing sexual attraction. Am I? I don’t understand! I feel other asexuals are different than me but people who are sexual are wayyyy different from me. I may be wrong and a lot of ace people may be like me though since it’s a spectrum. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 8 hours ago, AceInSomeWay said: I even have a sexual drive and think that with the right person, I'd be willing to have a sexual relationship Willing or want to? Cos that's the only part that's relevant. Actively desiring sex would make you sexual, not having any desire for it would be asexual. Having sex for the sake of a partner or baby or whatever, but not for any intrinsic reason (ie. you don't feel you'd be missing something if the sex stopped/never happened) is something many asexuals will do (though not all, I certainly wouldn't). Link to post Share on other sites
AceInSomeWay Posted September 14, 2020 Author Share Posted September 14, 2020 Well I’ve done research in sex favor ability, and there are asexuals who seek sex for different reasons like for the physical pleasure of it or to bond with their partner without being sexually attracted to them. I don’t have much experience. I’m trying to figure out if I simply have sexual attraction to others, because that’s the basis of what asexuality is. I wonder if sexual people are grossed out by the things I said in my original post. Maybe I am bisexual. But I do relate to asexuality in a lot of ways and I don’t want to sleep with people the way bisexual people say it freaks me out. Maybe I’m gray? Still confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted September 14, 2020 Share Posted September 14, 2020 1 hour ago, AceInSomeWay said: Well I’ve done research in sex favor ability, and there are asexuals who seek sex for different reasons like for the physical pleasure of it or to bond with their partner without being sexually attracted to them. That is... extremely controversial and not supported by the AVEN standpoint which itself states that sexual attraction is the desire to have sex with someone. I'm very much in favour of that definition, as are the majority of the long-standing members of this site, because an asexual seeking out sex makes no logical sense to me (or us) at all. Many many sexuals are not aroused by looks, they think genitals are gross, only want sex for emotional intimacy within a relationship... this is all normal sexual stuff that we try to educate on, because otherwise only randy horndogs who get a boner on seeing someone will be classed as sexual and everyone else is ace or grey? You see my point. Asexuals are rare, greysexuals are also rare; most humans fall on the bell-curve of sexuality in general somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
AceInSomeWay Posted September 15, 2020 Author Share Posted September 15, 2020 Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. You really helped me. I know people have different standpoints, but based on your second paragraph, I think it legitimized that certain things I have been feeling doesn't mean that I am not sexual. I think now I might actually be bisexual. I have to reflect more and see how I feel but I just wanted to thank you for caring enough to try to help me understand myself better. I've really been struggling. Bless you. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 You're welcome; it's actually been a pleasure to not have someone rip my face off for suggesting they might not be ace (it happens a lot, ask any of us). Link to post Share on other sites
AceInSomeWay Posted September 15, 2020 Author Share Posted September 15, 2020 You're the best. Reflecting, I think everything I've been feeling just doesn't line up with asexuality. I think I've just been surrounded by people who have one night stands all the time. I think the often super sexual comments that people make have been confusing me immensely because I don't relate to them. 2 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: Many many sexuals are not aroused by looks, they think genitals are gross, only want sex for emotional intimacy within a relationship... this is all normal sexual stuff that we try to educate on, because otherwise only randy horndogs who get a boner on seeing someone will be classed as sexual and everyone else is ace or grey? You see my point. Asexuals are rare, greysexuals are also rare; most humans fall on the bell-curve of sexuality in general somewhere. That just made me feel so much better. Like hey, I can be not be hypersexual and still be sexual lol! Like it's fine to still be a virgin and not want to have sex right now, doesn't mean that I'm ace. I'm not going to rule anything out or say right now that I am bisexual. But I can say that I think I'm on the right path to understanding myself and as cheesy as it may sound, I will always remember that you helped me (can you tell how much I've been struggling lol). Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 I'm really not the best, I just happened to be around And yes absolutely you can be sexual and not want sex all the time, that's... most sexuals to be fair. I'm definitely ace, never wanted sex at all, but I've learnt a lot on this site from sexuals and they very much helped me get over my... elitism... I guess, which was caused by misunderstandings and pressure from a very sexual world. So yeah, I try to give something back when I can. If you haven't been in the grey area I would suggest it; you'll quickly find an enormous variety of sexual experiences there, and many of the sexuals are much more active there than the main forum tbh. https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/72-the-gray-area-sex-and-related-discussions/ Oh and SPFA: https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/ Link to post Share on other sites
AceInSomeWay Posted September 15, 2020 Author Share Posted September 15, 2020 Thanks! I clicked on the first link and clicked on sex favorable aces...I do think that they are valid and that they do exist. I don't want to go on a further spiral of personal confusion, however. I need some more self discovery but I'm starting to think that asexuality might not be the term for me, personally. Best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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