Need help decoding situation - wracked with guilt

[Someone.Else]

I'll try to make this short. 

I am a sexual person. The guy I am writing about I'm not sure and I feel like it is off limits to ask him. He has made comments such as

I met a guy who is in a relationship. We began spending time together. I really liked him, thought he was attractive, and all that - which he could tell.

After several hang out visits, things turned sexual in the sense that he does things to me- but he doesn't let me do anything to him. This has gone on for several months.

 

The first time this happened, he initiated it and asked for consent multiple times. Like this:

 

"I'd like to take this a step farther if that's okay with you."

"Okay."

"Okay, but we absolutely cannot have sex."

"Okay."

 

 

He made some comments like, "Sorry I can't give you what you want" and "Sorry this isn't what you expected. I hope I'm not disappointing." I never push it because I don't think he would be okay with me asking giving his "this is how it is" attitude. He says it in a way that I feel like it would be overstepping where he is comfortable if I was more upfront about it.

 

He's also made the comment, "Sex is stupid."

He dislikes kissing.

 

For a while I thought he could have an incurable STD.

And just the other day it kind of dawned on me....this person could be asexual.

 

I had has the thought before, but given that he initiated contact, I wasn't really sure. He's stated he's self conscious (never takes his shirt off) so I wondered if this was an extreme self conscious thing.

 

 

Now we have an unspoken thing weekly where I come over on our designated day and time. We spend time together and talk a lot and each time he initiates doing things to me and seems completely fine and has said he's fine with absoutely nothing being done to him. 

 

I'm feeling really guilty right now because I think back to all the times I have kissed this person and how he has not seemed into it at all and I realize this could be due to him being asexual and I feel awful. I feel extremely guilty and am upset with myself for doing it. 

To be fair, he's never told me he is asexual. He's left me in the dark regarding this. I don't know if I am an idiot for posting here. I just want him to feel comfortable and I am wondering if he has initiated sexual activity strictly to make me happy and I feel awful thinking he's done things he doesn't want to. 

 

 

[Madelise]

You are definitely not an idiot for posting this! Not at all. It's okay to have questions/concerns about the situation. First off, regarding the kissing, just because he doesn't like kissing, that doesn't mean he's asexual. There are probably (allo)sexual people out there that don't like kissing. Just really depends on the person tbh. The main key to whether someone's asexual or not is just by the fact of whether or not they've ever been sexually attracted to anyone before (and they never will be).

[anisotrophic]

@Someone.Else I can see how you must feel awful about the thought of him doing things he doesn’t want!

 

But I think you have to talk and learn what he’s experiencing. And remember to respect people’s right to choose: they can choose to “give” sex. Some asexuals do this.

 

There are people out there that only want to “give” — see for example “stone butch” in lesbian sexuality. Sexual people vary in how much they prefer giving vs receiving, and usually it’s more of a mix, but strongly preferring one over the other can happen.

 

Or he could be not telling you something. Trans & hiding that and/or trans with dysphoria about genitals (either direction), or sexual dysfunction that makes arousal impossible, or some trauma & repulsion — endless list.

 

Whatever it is, it sounds like you need to communicate about it... aim to make it a safe environment, I hope you can treat the answers with kindness.

[Just a Quail]

You're not an idiot for posting here, in fact it's great that you're taking the time to seek some advice and support! It might be the case that he himself hasn't considered the possibility of being asexual, which could be a reason he hasn't said anything. Though there could be something else going on. This sounds like something that is affecting both of you, so like mentioned above, try and create a safe environment to have a conversation about this. 

[nanogretchen4]

It sounds like he is in complete control of the terms of the relationship. He has initiated all of the sexual contact that has happened and told you exactly what will and will not happen. If he did not tell you that he dislikes kissing until after you had kissed him several times, I don't think you are really at fault considering how assertive he normally is about setting his boundaries. Obviously, if he has now told you that he doesn't like kissing, don't kiss him any more. He is to be commended for giving you a clear picture of how this relationship is going to go if you both choose to continue with it. He may or may not want to open up about his feelings, make long-term commitments, see you more than once a week, etc. You also have every right to end things if at any point you decide you want a different kind of relationship than he does.