Around what age did you discover that you 'weren't like the rest'?

[helana12_03]

Around age 9 or 10 when my friends started thinking about boys and I had zero interest. 

[Ciki]

7 hours ago, TheCatBehind said:

Which just made me even more different because apparently adoption is an inferior way of having children.

I hate this way of thinking.People who'd rather adopt then have children of their own are seen as weird.But i just didn't understand why!We are already struggling with over population and people who adopt help both the planet and those poor kids.So,in what way is adopting inferior then?

 

(This has nothing to do with what you said.It's just that i hear this opinion so often it's just insane.So please,don't feel like i'm bashing you☺)

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

About 11 years old is when I realized and understood that I wasn’t like everyone else. I knew that I didn’t want sex and that I was going to avoid relationships because of it. I also avoided hanging out with a lot of people outside of school because dating could be a big topic with them. However, I never understood that I literally wasn’t straight until I was 15

[TheCatBehind]

3 hours ago, Ciki said:

(This has nothing to do with what you said.It's just that i hear this opinion so often it's just insane.So please,don't feel like i'm bashing you☺)

I got that don't worry  I also get very heated when it comes to adoption being considered an invalid or lesser form of having children, I just reared my post in so it doesn't become a discussion about adoption haha

[Ortac]

In terms of sexual and romantic orientation (I am atypical in more ways than one), it didn’t dawn on me until quite late. In hindsight, I should have realised when I was quite a bit younger.

 

When I was a kid, I never knew or felt that I would not want to be married or in a relationship; I just simply thought “I am too young to need to worry about that yet”, and I didn’t give it any further thought or care what anyone else was doing.

 

Coming into the teenage years when a fair few of my peers were starting to get “boyfriends” or “girlfriends”, I still felt “I am too young to need to worry about that yet”.

 

Even after hitting twenty, I still felt “I am too young to need to worry about that yet”.

 

It was only really when I got to mid to late twenties when I thought “I am too young to need to… oh… hang on… I’m not really anymore… oh blimey!”

[MetricalSky]

I was pretty oblivious to my peers' sexual / romantic activities all through high school and university, so I came to the realization quite late. I kinda figured that a romantic relationship would just happen naturally, eventually. It wasn't until my late 20s that I realized a romantic relationship wasn't going to just happen, and that I just wasn't interested in actively seeking out a relationship.

[Expedition]

It seems to me that there's a lot of conflating asexuality with unsociableness here, and assuming that being uninterested or repulsed by sex as a young child is an asexual thing. It's really not. Hardly any kids want to have sex with their peers, and it's because hormones kick in at puberty that it changes (or doesn't, obviously, for asexuals). Generally if a child is behaving sexually, it can be a sign of modelling inappropriate behaviour they've seen around them. But a four year old not wanting sex? Completely normal, for sexuals and asexuals alike. 

[Catserole]

I think I've always felt different to people around me, although it took me a long time to arrive at an understanding of what was different. But I was also an introverted only-child who got bullied in school and didn't really come out of my shell until I moved away to University and was able to reset my relationship with other people. So there was a certain amount of alienation growing up anyway.

[AceMissBehaving]

I was always a “weird kid” but was extroverted enough that I was able to attract other “weird kids” so had enough friends to know we were different, but also feel ok with it.

 

On the asexual stuff if I’d known it was an option it was probably pretty clear and obvious by the time I was about 13. I had a really close friendship with 2 girls  at that age. One was super into boys, sex, and all that. The other was a bit more like me. Kinda confused about what the big deal was, not that into dating etc. looking back I think she might be ace too. We lost touch, but I know he had issues as an adult with relationships ending because of partners cheating.

 

I really do think we were probably both asexual, and one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was ace, is because in my tight knit clique of 3 (we were BFFs from age 9-19), it was the sexual girl who was the weird one, so I thought being into people that way was way over the top.

 

I learned for sure sure in my 30’s, though it was glaringly obvious by about age 20 that I couldn’t maintain any kind of sexual relationship. I just thought there was something wrong with me.

[Guest]

On 2/19/2020 at 1:01 PM, Ciki said:

Ever since i was in preschool,i knew that i didn't want to get married or have any kids when i grew up (please don't ask me how,not even i know).

I didn't go to preschool/elementary school because of my autism, but when I was three, I decided against marrying or having kids. Although opinions usually change between the ages of 3 and 18, this one didn't. When I learned what boyfriends and girlfriends are, I immediately knew that I didn't want one. In middle school, I knew what was up with my classmates because I read puberty books, but I was never interested in any of that. I also 'discovered' asexuality when I was 14-15 or so, but it took me 2 years to be 100% sure that I'm ace. I took a while to accept it not because I didn't want to be ace, but because I thought it was too big of a coincidence that I happen to have the orientation that I like the most.

[deletingthisaccount]

I would say 12 is when I started to notice I was different, even though I wasn't sure why. I couldn't understand why my peers seemed so obsessed with dating, romance, and all the "hot" people (of whatever their preferences were). I didn't understand what people felt when they found someone attractive, when they had crushes, etc. -- because they seemed to feel something that I didn't, but I didn't know what it was. I remember even saying as young as 13 that I was never going to find anyone. Of course when I would say that, people just took me as "another teenage girl who must have low self esteem and thinks she knows what love is." But like, no really - something was different. But I wondered if maybe I was a late bloomer. 

 

When I was around 15 or so, I really started to feel out of place. By that time, even my friends who previously shared the same disinterest as me in middle school had gone on to start dating, having crushes, admiring all the good looking people, etc. I was still just the same. People would ask me who I "liked" and always thought I was lying when I said no one. "But you have to like someone! Everyone likes someone!" But I don't...?

 

Plus, sex had become a lot more involved in conversation, and everyone seemed obsessed with that too - I didn't understand the hype, but I thought maybe everyone just liked the concept as a "rebellious teenage thing" to do, not actually because they thought it was the end-all-be-all part of life. Still, as I went through high school and into college, I began realizing that even my peers who weren't part of the obsessive hook-up and sex-crazed culture still wanted sex - just with people that they were in love with. They still absolutely wanted and loved sex, even if they were more private about their desires. They still saw a future filled with love, sex, and marriage. I couldn't relate to them either.

 

My freshman year in college, I met someone who identified as asexual. As she would describe her life experiences to everyone in our group, I realized "wait a minute ... why does this sound exactly like me?" So I finally started researching more and wow, that was such a relief! I waited about a year after that - until I was 19 - until I officially identified as asexual myself, just to "make sure" I could put the late bloomer theory to rest.

[Catserole]

6 hours ago, CBC said:

Not criticising your post, btw... if anything, I'm agreeing with the "But I was also..." part and everything after that, in the sense that it isn't an asexual thing.

That was pretty much what I think I was driving at, I think. I'll probably never know what people picked up on that led to the bullying initially - it started pretty young and before I might have had any sense of sexual identity. Being bullied will affect how you perceive yourself and how you relate to the people around you. To an extent you become different because someone else chooses to make it so.

 

To be clear though, I'm not suggesting being bullied and being asexual are related. My early attempts at relationships made me realise I didn't need or want sex in the way most other people seemed to. What took a long time was realising there were many other people who felt the same way.

[Helo421]

I think I've always known I was different. I was never into any of the boys in middle/high school. Just thought I was a late bloomer. Also my parents said NO DATING until college and I was fine with that lol. My first date was when I was.. 25? I can't even remember anymore. I'm 31 now haha. I was on a dating app called coffee meets bagel for about two years and I just got tired of needing to reintroduce myself to every person I "matched" with so I just deleted the app and went about my life. My last date was four years ago when I was 27.

 

I actually heard about asexuality in my early 20s but never thought it applied to me. I also experience aesthetic attraction so that threw a wrench into my self discovery. Like.. do I really like this person? Or do I just appreciate their prettiness? Did a deep dive into my life at 27. I'm technically still figuring myself out, but I'm happy and comfortable with who I am at the moment.

 

But at the age of 31, we get the usual questions from nosy people. I love telling them to fuck off and mind their own business.. in a nicer way of course.

[AnneBonny159]

I guess I noticed when everyone else started getting really interested in dating, romance, "hot people", which celebrities were dating, and I just.. didn't care. I knew I was different from around age 11-12 I'd say?

 

Heard about asexuality and specifically demisexuality when I was about 15, decided this was what I probably was, and then didn't think about it for a few years. It was only once I was about two years into my (sexual) relationship age 20ish that I realised I really really loved my boyfriend, but my lack of interest in sex wasn't just because we needed practice and it was still a big intimidating thing to me, I just... didn't care about it at all. 

 

Came out to my boyfriend and some of my closest friends around age 21 - I'm still not out to many people, but am more relaxed about being out than I was. I lean towards grey-ace rather than demi now.

 

Having said all that, I do have a very vivid memory of being about 8 years old, at a birthday party an adult family friend said something along the lines of "you have to make sure your slice of cake stays upright on the plate or you won't get married", to which I promptly pushed the cake over in disgust 😂 As it turns out I'm biromantic and would like to get married some day, but clearly 8-year-old me already knew there were some parts of "conventional" marriage that I wanted no part of...

[Liz Azalea]

For a really long time I had a hard time separating platonic and romantic attraction, but I knew pretty much right from the age that my friends started making coarse jokes that something just wasn't right. Through the end of middle school and early high school (~12-14) my friends jokingly called me "broken" because I didn't want anything to do with anything sexual and quite frankly just didn't understand their jokes most of the time.

 

It was probably around September-November of 2014 when my girlfriend at the time suggested that I might be asexual, to which my immediate reaction was "yeah, that sounds about right" followed by doing as much as I could to find out if others felt the same way. It wouldn't be until that relationship ended that I actually found AVEN though (2017, I had a different account which I forgot the login details to)

 

Now, nearly 6 years later I'm pretty openly Ace, the only exception being grandparents as they don't really react to that sort of thing all too well, but my friends in college are supportive and I even do a presentation for a professor of mine once a semester to help give a more accurate description of asexuality than the text for that class could give.

 

As a now 20 year old there's a lot I wish I could have told my younger self, because I was (and to an extent still am) a complete idiot, but I'm finally comfortable with who I am as a person and that's probably the best thing I could have asked for.

[WanderingKate]

I didn't recognize it until a bit later- I was in college at the time, maybe 18 or 19. In hindsight, it probably took me a bit longer because I was surrounded by friends in high school who never spoke about sex and were waiting until marriage, plus I experienced strong aesthetic attraction which I mistook for romantic/sexual feelings. It wasn't until I tried to start dating in my late teens that I realized I wasn't like everyone else, but there were definitely signs earlier that I could have picked up on. When I dreamed about my future home as a child. I dreamed about me by myself, or with a pet or my best friend...I never pictured my dream home with a husband or kids in it. I never dreamed about marriage/children like my friends would. I never cared about talking to the boys in class either. And the whole concept of dating confused me. 

[HoodieAce]

Probably around 15 and 16 I started realising I was sexually different and then kind of procrastinated on it then senior year the closet door burst open and I walked out. 

[QuirkyMongoose555]

I think I was 12 or 13, people started talking about crushes, etc. and I just didn't get it.

[Janus the Fox]

I knew I was different way later, something like the age of 21 or 23 somewhere like that .  More difference with social and learning difference then later the sexuality differences.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I remember at some point in high school I found an article giving some bullshit sounding statistic about how most people date before they hit 18, and I remember thinking "well that'll be me soon." But I didn't really feel bad about it, I was just kinda surprised that I was in the minority. I think I even brought it up to my mom and she had a similar reaction of "but if it isn't bothering you, what's the big deal?" Conversation ended after that, but I had an inkling that I was somehow different afterwards. It never occurred to me before then because I figured everyone was making up crushes and putting on some huge show about it!

[RoBoZaKi]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I would say I knew I was different since elementary but I didn't have a name for it. I didn't even know sexuality could be fluid. I've had a lot of doubt at such a young age because of all the heterosexual relationships in media. 

 

As I grew up, I noticed more and more that I was not interested in developing relationships like everyone else. I was interested in courting and learning about someone. While people were hooking up left and right.  Many assumed I was a lesbian. I was just content being too weird or scary for guys to ask out but that didn't stop them from trying to kiss, bite, or grope me 🤮. Middle and high school is the most difficult time for anyone, especially asexuals with no idea that their lack of attraction is normal. 

 

It was only in college during a Sexuality class that I found the definition for asexual. It was like a click and the further the information well I went, the happier I was to know that there was nothing wrong with me. It's due to everyone on forums, articles, or YouTube that I can confidently declare I am ASEXUAL. Or more specific pan-romantic asexual. 

[Ciki]

@RoBoZaKi omg the sheep is os cute😍

[Low End Things]

On 2/22/2020 at 9:12 AM, CBC said:

Same, other than the university thing. And mercifully, I wasn't bullied severely. More just teased here and there (for really stupid shit, too; the examples I recall are for having red hair, for being smart, for being quiet, for liking music that was "uncool", and for not having a boyfriend at the age of 13-14). And yet I'm not asexual and I know loads of other sexual people who struggled to fit in as children.

 

Not criticising your post, btw... if anything, I'm agreeing with the "But I was also..." part and everything after that, in the sense that it isn't an asexual thing. I always felt different. I observed that I was different. I still feel that way. I outright know that I'm different from a lot of people in a handful of ways (and I'm fine with that). It has nothing to do with my sexuality and everything to do with my basic character. I think children can have a sense of being different in that way, but I think it's pretty much impossible to sense that you're asexual before you've done any sexual maturing. It's not really the same as a child perhaps displaying signs of same-sex interest, because they're just... not similar. Or of something like being transgender.

Yeah I would agree with all this as an asexual guy. I was also...off and knew it from a very young age, but there's no way I could have known about being ace back then. My peers couldn't have known either. 

 

I will say though, when one doesn't care about relationships, they will say or act out things that subconsciously give this off which will probably lead to teasing. But again, at that age the reasoning doesn't matter; it's still teasing/bullying/etc.

[SassPass]

I knew when I was about 15 something wasn't quite right and learning about other sexuality expressions. I didn't know what, and I didn't know why, nothing else quite fit. I was not sexually attracted to women, but thanks to the concept the lesbian community has dubbed as "compulsory heterosexuality" I just assumed I was straight. I dated like a straight woman, I had sex like a straight woman, I tried to love like a straight women, I pretended I was a straight woman. I had "friendships" that were intense and loving and romantic with all kinds of humans on this earth, but those weren't romantic according to what is called compulsory heterosexuality- I had to be hetero, I just had to be, I'm not having sex with these people, right?

 

It still wasn't quite like everyone else, but I pretended otherwise. I wasn't told n/a was an option until I was about 26-27 and it made. SO. MUCH. SENSE. Then I realized I was closer to asexual than anything else. I wasn't sexually attracted, and those intense "frienships" were usually just one-sided romantic affairs where others used me to feel validation and romantic love without commitment. After learning more about asexual identities, I first thought I was demisexual, but realize greyasexual was more fitting. It isn't just the emotional aspect, there are weird rules to me, apparently and some people just do X when others do Y for no reason I've seen yet.

 

On top of that, turns out I was also not quite a woman, too. I had an emotional few years of discovery there around 26 where I found a couple of less mentioned concepts. Turns out being demigender was a thing, but that's a story for another thread.

[Low End Things]

To go more in depth with myself...

 

I've always known. I've also always been the weirdo; my family has home videos from when I was 5 where I'd walk off and do my own thing, like stare at puddles or just be by myself. I think being so "different" so early in life - along with a few other factors in my life that I don't need to get into here - trained me to be self-reflective and observant on how others view the world, and in particular made me acutely aware of how my peers were developing feelings for others that I couldn't grasp.

 

What confused me the most was that I also had a fetish and I figured fetish = sex involving that thing, but I've since learned (through reading and direct experience) that this is not the case. I believe having that fetish made it very easy for me to understand what a desire for sex could feel like, which in turn made it easier to discuss these things with allos and better understand why it was only a fetish and not a desire for sex.

[long nights]

Don't quite know, it has always been here at the back of my mind but it became even more obvious when other people my age were showing their attraction to really muscly men and them being shirtless etc... and I just didn't feel anything at all. And the reaction most people seemed to have to sex scenes in TV shows or movies. I was mostly irked by the loud sex noises and wanting to get back the plot of the story.

[Borzoi]

Probably around the age of 10. Classmates were talking about boyfriends and girlfriends and I wasn't interested. But I didn't really think of it as different back then, it just felt normal to me. It wasn't until a few years later that I started noticing that I was different since it felt like I was the only person in school not attracted to anyone.

[SithLord]

I was around 17-18. Called a girl "attractive" or "hot" or something to that meaning and my friend made a comment about me being into her or something. I wasn't and was confused that it wasn't just a comment on her aesthetic appeal and had a crisis year or so where I struggled to figure out if I was bi or straight, settling on hetero-ro ace. 

[Alawyn-Aebt]

I realized I my lack of interest in sex was different around age 18. Still actually trying to figure it out and I do have to remind myself that sex exists. For me I am not aromantic so the idea of having some sort of partner was not a big sticking point, I just never understood why people seemed to like people based off something called 'hotness'.

 

But I think the question as originally posed here is problematic, I knew I was different from a very young age but I do not think that was sexuality-related. I had a very difficult time connecting to people in friendships but I think my introvertedness, my slightly-different personality, my favorite things to talk about, and my hobbies contributed to that way more than a sexuality. Maybe a Freudian would disagree with me on that but Freud is not exactly seen as reliable.