A confused HI from Brazil! =P

[Lucas =)]

And so the two boys met that night at 8pm. They needed to talk and Lucas knew his boy would end the relationship... His boy started:

- I guess you already know what I wanna talk about...

Lucas nodded, smiling, a little bit embarrassed.

- Aww, don't look at me like that - said his boy - Man, I like you so much, you know? I love to be with you... you're the sweetest guy I've ever been with. I've never seen a so affectionate guy like you. I love to cuddle with you... I love your hugs and kisses and you know I'm sincere. All the time we spent together... I don't have a single complain about it. Don't be sad...

Lucas knew his boy was telling the truth. He had always been sincere and. On top of that, all the other guys Lucas had been with had told him the same thing. That they had never been with a so affectionate guy before...

So, Lucas said:

- I'm not sad. And I share the same opinion... I like you a lot as well and I don't wanna be distant...

His boy continued:

-Now, I want to tell you the reason why I'm doing this... I've been talking to an ex-boyfriend for 3 days now... I didn't want to cheat on you. We kinda decided to try again. He asked me what I expected and I told him I didn't expect anything after all we had been through. I'm afraid of missing you, your affection. If I could, I'd stay with you both. With you for the affection and him because I still like him.

Lucas could spot the difference between him and his boy's ex-boyfriend. Lucas could give him affection, but couldn't give what his boy's ex-boyfriend could...

So, Lucas understood that it wasn't his or his boy's fault. There was no one to blame... He sat beside his boy, pretending everything was really fine... His eyes wanted to shed tears, but he was stronger. He experienced, once again, that weird feeling... The feeling of wanting to hug and kiss someone who's just beside you on a cold night. And although he is just there, beside you, he's so far away... so distant. And that hug, that kiss, they stay inside you...

[Lucas =)]

Thanks everyone!

As you see, I'm single again. You know what? I'm tired... I don't wanna look for anyone anymore. This guy I was with... I still like him... Just the sensation from my last paragrapgh in the story...

Big hugs!

[Lucas =)]

Parthenos, I know Osasco!

It's a bit far from where I live!

Big hug!

[vikingo]

I tried it a few times. Very close to what you describe, Brazilian Boy. Most recently just a few weeks ago. I feel no anger for her. Somehow I seem to be able to use the melancholy that remains where she left to move on in life.

[Peabody3rd]

Brazilian Boy,

Thanks for replying to my post. I just read all your posts and replies, and I understand what you're going through. Sorry about what happened between you and your boyfriend. I know you really cared about him. I can tell you are a very affectionate and romantic man, and some day you are going to find a man and make him very happy.

I've got a lot of questions for you and things I want to say, but it's late and I'm tired so I'll have to get back to you. In the meantime, hang in there. I know the possibility of being asexual is tough because I'm having a hard time dealing with it myself. I'm constantly trying to fight the fact that I'm not a very sexual being, and I've got to stop that. I think this site will help.

I look forward to talking to you some more. Take care.

-Brent

[Lucas =)]

Hello, Brent! Thanks for the support , man! =)

I know the possibility of being asexual is tough because I'm having a hard time dealing with it myself. I'm constantly trying to fight the fact that I'm not a very sexual being, and I've got to stop that. I think this site will help.

That's natural... We fight against unusual possibilities. We fight if we're gay because people say it's not natural and there are lots of things invoved, such as religion, society. So we wish to be heteros... Then, we think of the possibility of not being that sexual... I'm just like you. I've been denying the fact I'm not completely sexual. That I don't feel like being intimate to anyone just because they're sexy. It's not that beauty is completely unimportant, no. I'd be an hypocrite if I said that. I have to like what I see and the concept of beauty is relative. But my feelings are mostly emotional. I like hugging, kissing, cuddling, feeling my partner's breath and heart beat. That's so cool to me. =P

Brent, I'm looking forward to your reply! Big hugs!

[Seattleoutsider]

Hardest problem with my sexuality and experiences is that I feel like I am missing out on something and incomplete because I don't experience desire or sex, emotional intamacy in same way others do.

I have moments where I can be very accepting and comfortable with this and other times I have major issues with it myself.

I often feel if I was more like the rest of gay men that I meant who were hypersexual and had no problem with it I be happier but I don't know, either I don't want that in my life personally anymore. I tried to be one of those gay men it felt icky, I felt like more like disposable object then a person with value. It may have been exciting at first but it was always unpleasant then it grew really horrible for me. I always personally had issues with sex but it got worse once I became seriously ill.

[Lucas =)]

Seattle Outsider,

The same with me... Sometimes it's fine and sometimes (maybe most of the time) it's not... The problem is... you end up falling in love (maybe) or, at least, liking a person a lot and, because of the lack of desire, the relationship ends, like happened to me the day before yesterday. =(

I tried to be like others too, but, ended up talking to guys who found that a nasty thing to be done. I felt dirty. I've had 2 night-stands and have regret them. I don't know why people do that...

Well, right now, I don't feel like meeting anyone, and wouldn't really like to go out... I still like my boy, but unfortunately, we couldn't be together.

In a way, I'm happy with what I heard from him and from the few others I've dated... That I was the most affectionate guy they had known... I ended up the other relationships because of lack of desire as well, but at that time I'd just think I didn't feel like having sex with them because they weren't my type. So I told them we couldn't go on anymore and this was the first time a guy took the first step to end everything. Until today I think I'll find my type, but I guess that's just a dream. My type maybe doesn't exist. Maybe, cause possibly there might be one out there with whom I feel attracted to.

I used to think that if sex worked, the rest could adjust itself. Now I don't know what to think anymore, because maybe all the sexual ones think the way I used to. And so I wonder: What now?

[Peabody3rd]

Brazilian Boy and Seattleoutsider,

What’s up. You guys are really making me think about this. This is where I am right now.

Seattle, I’m with you on feeling like I’m incomplete and missing out on something. For years I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself sexually and beating myself over the head about it. I’ve done the bar thing and have tried the one night stand thing, and it didn’t work for me. The main reason it didn’t work for me was because when it came to sex I couldn’t get aroused or get a full erection. This would cause me to get very anxious and upset. I would like try to force an erection, but an erection is not something you can will. It’s got to happen naturally excluding Viagra and other drugs, of course. The same thing happens when I watch porn. I can’t get fully hard. Brazilian Boy, I take it you can get fully hard watching porn?

I will tell you when I can get hard. I can get hard when it comes to hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc., and sex is not involved. I find the kissing, hugging, etc. to be intimate while I find sex not to be intimate. If I’m watching porn and the guys spend time hugging or kissing I get hard, but when they start having sex I lose my erection. Obviously I’m looking for my idea of intimacy, but I don’t understand why I don’t see sex as intimate. Maybe I have a problem with intimacy. I don’t know. In thinking about all this I have realized that in fantasizing about men since I was a kid I never fantasized about actually having sex with men. I only fantasized about kissing, hugging, and cuddling with men. Even when I was so attracted to that boy in high school I only fantasized about what it would be like to hold him, kiss him, etc. Oh, and wrestling. I usually get hard when it comes to wrestling with a guy. It didn't even cross my mind to fantasize about sex. After high school, though, the little fantasizing I did kind of stopped. I really didn’t even realize I had stopped fantasizing about men, and to be honest I didn’t seem to miss it. The depression happened around this time, too, so I’m sure that had something to do with the lack of fantasizing. Maybe when it comes to sex I’m stuck thinking like a kid with kid-like fantasies of men. I don’t know. I mean I'm not repulsed by the idea of sex. I'm just not interested or aroused. I’d be interested to know what goes on in you guys' heads and how your thoughts of men and sex developed.

I’ll stop there. I hope me talking about my erections or lack of isn't bothering anybody out there reading my posts. Sometimes you just got to get to the nitty-gritty you know.

B. Boy and Seattle, hope you are doing well and I'll talk to you later.

-Brent

[Lucas =)]

Brent, first of all, I'm not and I think no one else here is bothered by your comments on sex, erections or whatever. You're here to say whatever it is you want to and no one is gonna bother. Everyone here is free to express their feelings. Don't worry! =)

Brazilian Boy, I take it you can get fully hard watching porn?

Well Brent, when it comes to porn or even virtual sex, I can get fully hard, but that's not fulfilling, you know... I wanted to get hard with a guy I liked. I can sometimes get hard while kissing and hugging, but it's very difficult. Usually, the fact I'm not getting aroused while kissing makes me worried and, maybe, [it makes] the partner wonder if there's any problem with him. It's weird. Kissing and hugging seems to lead to sex among almost all humanity, lol.

Well, I guess I can get fully hard while being a bottom as well, but I don't like being a top or being sucked. Maybe because my penis isn't as sensible as it should be, I don't know... But, it'd always be complicated to find a guy who'd like to be only top, wouldn't like to suck and could understand the fact I can only get hard while being a bottom. Don't you think? Maybe the thought of how hard finding a guy like that would be makes me give up. Not only that, but the fact of having found guys I'd love to be with and I can't... I'll always find guys I'd love to be with, but can't, that makes me a bit down. I'd like to date a guy who'd be like I described and would feel good about only being a top and would love me and want to have sex with me and really enjoy that... I guess that should be fine. =P

I find sex to be intimate and the fact of giving pleasure to a person makes me feel good if I really like that person, even if I'm not having as much pleasure as him, I feel good and can orgasm. Sex can be romantic or fun, I guess. Or both, it depends... No repulse against it.

In Brazil, gays have prejudice among themselves. Some are funny and joke about being a bottom and etc., some like to call others bottom, as a way of kidding... I don't feel inferior just because I don't like being a top, but to be a versatile guy should be better... Actually, tops usually think they're superior or something like that. The thing is most gays would like to be a bottom or a versatile, but not excusively a top. Do you get it?

I'm sorry if I'm being too explicit, but there's no other way to express myself in a perfect way if not being explicit. =P

ABRAÇOS!!!!

[Seattleoutsider]

I have never been to Brazil but I do understand this top vs bottom culture.

Personally I believe its a form of homophobia and sexism.

I experienced this even with my last male lover.

Its this ideal that in order to be Male you must follow a certain code and conduct.

The false believe that the size of one's penis and whether or not you are the pentrator or one who services makes you more manly.

The following may be disturbing. I am just sharing it as way ro relate to my own experience how I became who I am today. I don't need sympathy or anything just that I am now dealing with what is left after the situations I was in.

For me I was former street kid, child prostute too. Sex was survival tool.

I learned very early that sex and relationships always lead to form of betrayal.

For me personally, perhaps my asexuality is form of aversion but I also have scar tissue.

I have had medical proof of the scar tissue on my gentilla but I colan't explain it.

The suggested medical advise that I recieved to deal with scar tissue was so disturbing to me that I couldn't deal with it.

Erections for me are incredily painful and then I also I had history of just really awful experiences being intimate with other men and also women, hormonal and body image problems which all added to my asexuality on top of it being very ill physically and depressed for long period of time and not really being able to recieve medical treatment that has been effective also has been contributing factor at least for me

Mix that with long term disablity issues and feeling incomplete due to personal factors its all added to my asexuality.

For me even being non sexual involved with other people in real life often is difficult for me.

I am nice, kind, caring friend but I have hard time feeling comfortable or safe in social situations or making, maintaining long term friendships for any period of time..

[Peabody3rd]

Seattle and B. Boy,

Hey, what's up. B. Boy, I know a lot of guys that are tops and only want to be tops exclusively. I have no desire to be a bottom. I've tried bottoming a few times, and it doesn't work for me. As far as this thing about tops being more manly and superior, I don't get it. I actually have more respect for bottoms because I know it can often times be painful to bottom. It takes a real man to bottom for another man. So be proud of your bottomhood.

Seattle, I just read your journal. You're deep and good with words. Hang in there and keep posting because I'm enjoying what you have to say.

All right. I'm off to bed. Hope you guys have a good weekend.

-Brent

[Peabody3rd]

Lucas,

I just learned about the plane crash in Sao Paulo. That's awful. I hope you didn't have any friends or family involved. Keep me posted.

Take care.

-Brent

[Seattleoutsider]

Thanks Brent for your kind words.

Brazil boy or whomever read this I hope you weren't offended by me posting what I did.

We all have unique journeys in becoming what we are and what we hope to become on journey of self discovery and finding happiness.

Sometimes I must admit its sort of scary and lonely journey to get there. Its really hard sometimes to find what we value personally, especially if we view ourselves in group that has sterotypes of how we should be that society around us expects us to be.

There is a lot of sterotype of Gay Men.

Sadly even other Gay Men promote these images.

It often difficult if you don't fit the sterotype of the hypersexual gay male.

But we must be true to ourselves regardless of what are sexual orientation and genders are, it takes lot of strength to be who you are even if that means different then every other person or what society expects of you.

[Peabody3rd]

Seattle,

There was nothing you wrote to get offended by. That is your life, and it's not offensive. I admire your survival skills and how a kid from the streets turned into such a deep, articulate, caring person. Frankly, I don't know if I could have survived all that you've gone through and continue to go through. My depression has been enough to throw me off track, and even though the symptoms of depression are gone and I feel good I'm still seeing the world as I did during the depression which is causing me problems. With depression, the rose-colored glasses kind of come off and once you've seen the world without them I'm finding you can't put them back on. During the depression I found that people aren't as inherently good as I thought them to be including myself. I saw a lot of bullshit during that time, and I'll never forget it. My psychologist and I were talking the other day about how depressed people see the world, and he said studies have shown that people in depressions actually see the world more for what it is than people who are not depressed or have never been depressed. What depressed people don't see accurately are themselves. I hope I can start seeing the good not only in others but myself soon because I think it would be nice.

Okay, that just turned into a rant about depression which has nothing to do with your last post. I guess I needed to rant for a minute. Talking about your post, one thing my psychologist and I are working on is me finding the strength to be myself and not what I would like to be. I'm having a lot of trouble with the asexuality because I would still like to be a sexual person. I'm afraid that's not me, though, and I've got to find it in myself to accept that. I'm still doing a lot of questioning one of which is how I came to be in the asexual state I'm in. Was I born this way or is this a result of the circumstances of my life. How do you feel about this? Was there a point in your life where you couldn't identify with asexuality and felt you were a sexual person? Up to this point I've always thought that to be alive meant to be sexual in some way, but I guess I was wrong. I'll be honest, though, and tell you that I'm still getting confused as to what it means to be asexual. Everyone's story on this site seems to be so different that I'm finding it hard to pinpoint what exactly it means to be asexual. Maybe you can help clear that up for me.

I've said enough for one sitting. I think I'll check out your journal and see what you've written today. Talk to you later.

-Brent

[Lucas =)]

Seattle,

no one is gonna dislike your posts. Feel free to write whatever you want! I really admire your strength and, like Brent said, I don't think I could be that strong either.

Brent, you said everything here: "(...) finding the strength to be myself and not what I would like to be(...)"

We all have to work on that... We should try to be happy in our own way. As for asexuality, I guess I've always been like that, like how I've described so far... I guess there wasn't a point in which something happened. =P

Keep on posting guys! Big hugs to you!

[Seattleoutsider]

There was a point in my life I did have sexual attractions, but I never experienced sex as something entirely pleasureable.

There was period in my life I did felt quite out of control when it came to sex and that it controlled me but over time perhaps as coping mechanism

the urges became dull to none. Which was blessing for me because even though I am sick now with another autoimmune disoder then AIDS there was period in my life they thought I had HIV.

When I was younger I did get endorphin rushes from risky sexual adventures though but there was turning point where the pleasure I got from the adrellin or new attractions got shorter to nonexistent.

I still have my moments when I have certain sensations but because of different factors I often cannot get past certain things especially the physical revulsion of gentillas, mine, others it doesn't matter.

I am not sure what my sexual life would be like if I had different and more pleasant experiences had been today. Maybe I would be in different place and viewed my own sexuality and sex entirely different..

For me the turning point was when I was when I first got seriously physical ill and the doctors thought it was AIDS, on top of it I started to deal with certain things that I hadn't dealt with in past.

I do wish the asexuality had occured when I was younger sometimes perhaps it would have saved me from other problems too and the energy I wasted on wanting to be in love, bartering myself, destructive relationships could have been used on other things when I had been physically and mentally more able to do that.

[Manathane]

Welcome! I hope AVEN can help you figure things out. :)

[Shooting Star]

What you are experiencing right now is suprisingly common, far more so than you think. Believe me, I had to bring a friend to my senior prom because I didn't fancy ANY of the guys in my senior class. That didn't mean that I missed out on anything. I spent the night hanging out with several of my friends and I still got to have my prom dance.

By no means should you regard yourself as something less than whole. Sex is made out of be such a big deal, but in fact it is such an infinitesimal component of who we really are.

I hope this helps.

Welcome to the forum, BTW. I think you'll like it here.