In a relationship and confused. Scared.

[awhisperlostuponwind]

I just signed up for this site, needing advice ya. I’m afraid. Terrified. I recently started talking to a girl, and it’s crazy how much we have in common. I was really into the idea of a relationship with her and all that. But now that we have plans to meet up, (she lives 5 hours away) I am terrified. I almost feel regret for the relationship. We’ve been talking for just about a month now, texting and phone calls and stuff.

 

I have have been alone for all of my 24 years of life and have planned my whole life around being alone. Not to go into it but my plans were always set from year to year. Set in stone. Never accommodating another person ya. To be honest, I didn’t even think I would find someone so into me, having only signed up to smush the feelings of need growing in me.  

 

I am afraid of the possible future I am constructing and she is constructing for us. I know things are new right now, and there’s years to figure everything out but, I don’t want to waste her time or hurt her because I don’t think I will feel the love she will. She has even told me how much I mean to her and how I make her feel and I feel a little overwhelmed at times. Being who I am I have said things too, and she will be crushed if I were to backpedal now.

 

I am an asexual(F) and she isn’t, but she has told me it wouldn’t be an issue. I feel as though she is making more sacrifices than I am so far, saying she will stop drinking and smoking weed occasionally just because I don’t. 

 

I dont know what what to do, is it just jitters? Is it something more? I read on another topic here about Lithromantics, and I feel like maybe I fall into that category? I have always admired relationships but didn’t really want one until recently. But now that I have it it’s just. Ugh.  

 

She is coming out and will be staying at my house for 3 days upon which I will drive her home ya. Should I at least give it a chance? Go on a few dates we have planned before deciding our fates? Maybe it’s just an initial fear that comes with a relationship. 

 

She will be meeting my family when she is out, and I will be meeting her dad and one of her friends. It feels kind of fast for me. I enjoy talking everyday but with this fear I just, I want to stop replying sometimes. 

 

I dont know if what I have done is good or not. Should I tell her? Should I just wait and see? Am I a terrible person for basically leading her on and telling her I would never do anything to hurt her, only to, well hurt her by even thinking of cutting thing off? 

 

I don't know what what to do.

[TinyZapp]

Since you've already made plans with her, I'd say go for it, as long as you stay honest with her. No need to unleash all your anxiety at once, but tell her how you're unsure and even nervous about you two meeting. Your fear is not unwarranted and I'm sure I'd feel the same way as you. If she really cares about you, she'll understand and probably appreciate you being open with her. She knows you're asexual, so I don't believe you're leading her on. (And you're not a terrible person btw!)

 

Sometimes relationships just don't work out and while heartbreak sucks, it happens and it doesn't always mean somebody did something wrong. But perhaps being in a relationship with her isn't as bad as you thought/think it would be. Should the relationship between you two not work out, you may even stay in contact as friends, depending on how well you get along irl and if you two are interested in doing that.

 

Even if nothing comes about, at least you can then say you tried it out. Also, easier said than done for sure, but please don't blame yourself if you want to call it quits and say it's not for you (or if she does). And stay safe. Don't force yourself to do any acts that you're not comfortable with. Just a step outside of your comfort zone is enough, which you would already be doing by meeting her. Again, if she truly cares about you, she'll understand.

 

Either way, best of luck to you! 👍 

[awhisperlostuponwind]

Thanks for replying. You have no idea how helpful that little bit of encouragement was. 

 

I think I should do it. I owe it to myself and to her to at least try to make things work, and I can’t stay trapped in my bubble all my life. Being so far apart our meeting are going to be few and far between anyway so, I should jump on those when we have the chance I suppose. 

 

I’ll have a better understand of her and myself once we meet as well I think so, I will take your advice and do it. 

 

Worse that comes to happen is we’re not compatible I suppose. 

 

 

[sweater]

That definitely seems like a scary situation. I'd probably feel the same way you do. I think as long as you tell her what's on your mind then everything should work out. I can't remember a time in my life where good communication resulted in a bad experience.

 

And btw you are not a horrible person! You're still learning about yourself and getting out of your comfort zone! Sometimes people get hurt in relationships and as long as you do everything you can to make it hurt less and you aren't intending to hurt someone then that is life. It sucks but it happens.

 

Maybe none of that matters though, maybe instead of hurt it will be good? Who's to say that you have to prepare only for a bad ending when there could also be a happy ending? Anyway, I wish you luck and happiness  

[awhisperlostuponwind]

I did brave it and talked to her about it all, we are lucky to have the same borderline personality disorder so she understood completely where I was coming from. 

 

She helped me immensely, and I am lucky to have found her. I don’t want to lose her, and am glad I took the leap to talking out the issue rather than bottling it up and suffering through it alone.

 

We did change some of our plans, so she won’t be staying with me, but rather at her dads. That helped so incredibly much. It was too fast that part.

 

I am so lucky to have her, and I know we will make this work. 

 

Im glad I posted on here to get the courage to do that. If anyone else reads this and has the same feelings, I hope they can get any bit of strength from this, just as I did.

 

I wish everyone on here luck with every aspect of their lives, no matter what it is.

 

[TinyZapp]

So happy that you found the courage to talk to her, even happier to see it paid off!

 

Glad my little post helped. Should I find myself in a situation like yours, I hope I go about it with the same bravery you showed. I'll be thinking of you if/when I do.

 

Once again, good luck to you both and have fun getting to know each other better!