CosmicSpaceAce Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Hello, all. So, as long as I've been sexually aware, I've had this kink. I'm not going into specifics- I'll just say that it's sub/humiliation related for some context. I understand that among consenting adults, BDSM can be great for people when it's healthy, but I personally feel ashamed by my kink. I feel like it copletely contradicts my values in every day life, and that's why i feel a sense of guilt/shame. Another thing I've noticed is that many people I've seen discussing this kink even talk of doing these things outside of a consensual situation which is very distressing, and only makes me feel even more like my kink is worth being ashamed of, although I'd never dream of doing that myself. Like I said, I've had an attraction to this fetish since before I'd had any partnered sexual experiences - or even masturbated- so it feels like something I have, and always will be, "stuck with". I can remember being strangely attracted to it when I couldn't have been much older than 12. That being said, it's the only way I can get off. I find partnered sex very boring, even with those I love, and I feel that part of why I can enjoy it sexually is that i'm not actively participating in it myself, so it wouldn't really translate into part of a potential future relationship. In the past I've been with a partner who enjoyed BDSM but it did not leaving me feeling good. Most people here seem very happy and proud of their kinks, but I've never been able to feel that. I'm (probably obviously) not involved in the BDSM community and I'm not experienced in sharing this side of myself since I've never totally shared my kink with anyone. I would appreciate any insight you good folks could give me. Do I need to work on accepting myself? Changing my opinion of my kink? Finding a healthy community? Or trying to find other stuff that I don't feel this way about to enjoy? I'm so private about this stuff that exploring the community can feel alien to me and I'm quite out of my depth with it. Also, just some reassurance that I'm not weird would be great!😂 Thank you, all. Link to post Share on other sites
oldgeeza Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Hi, I’ll start off by stating that you’re not weird, look on Fetlife, there’s kinks there I wouldn’t have thought of, kinks that turn my stomach, kinks that, well, they leave me speechless, but it just happens to be something that floats your boat, if you enjoy it, don’t feel guilty, enjoy it, as long as it’s consensual, no one gets brutalised, enjoy it, you only get one life, there’s no dress rehearsal, you get one crack at it, so make the most of it. Every couple of months, I help run a fetish night at a little bar local to me, it’s mainly BDSM oriented, although not my thing, I meet some interesting characters there from young couples to politicians to solicitors, teachers, builders, nurses, bus drivers, you name them, they let their hair down, do what turns them on and enjoy themselves, that’s what life is all about, there are so many people, people that you wouldn’t suspect or even think about that have fetishes or kinks, enjoy yourself, you’re not odd, weird, just unique because you’re one of a kind, individual, have a look on Fetlife, read a few profiles, they may not be your thing, but there’s a lot of kinky people out here Link to post Share on other sites
Epitaph Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Friendo, if I talked about half of the stuff I've got chained up in the back of my head, I'm pretty sure you'd look at me sideways and slanty eyed. In some instances I can delve into some horrendously depraved or dark stuff, which is a stark opposite to my personality and beliefs in almost all ways. I wouldn't concern yourself with how other people interpret the kink, as at the end of the day, it all comes down to you. You know your limits and your boundries. Now, I've followed a golden rule that seems to work pretty well. If nobody is hurt in real life(or if we're getting into the intense sides of the s&m community) nobody is hurt without given consent, then you're fine. Imagination also helps too, and that's probably part of the allure. In imagination, we can go to different places that we can't normally in reality without there being repurcussions(or a simple inability for something to exist in our reality to begin with). If you follow the golden rule of "nobody gets hurt without given consent" then you're fine. And if it's something that you can't do in real life without there being heavy reppurcussions, then just enjoy the fantasy of it. There's no need to feel off or ashamed about anything. I'll tell you something. I've pretty much seen or heard all of it. If it's a kink or a fantasy, I probably know it. I wouldn't find you weird in the slightest even if I knew what you kink was. It's just a part of you, and that's all there is to it. I don't usually make a habit to be repulsed from people for traits that are belonging to them innately. Link to post Share on other sites
CosmicSpaceAce Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 Thank you both for your insight! I've been doing some other research and people seem to echo the sentiment that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I even found out that my kink is pretty common! I think that being ace adds a lot of extra complications to it but I'm already feeling a bit better about it and trying not to feel so ashamed. I figure that even if I tried to ignore it, that part of me would still be there, so I might as well try to change my attitude and approach to it first. Link to post Share on other sites
Sage Raven Domino Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Does the nature of your kink allow you to film a 'home video' featuring yourself only, possibly one where you play different roles at the same time (shot separately but in the same setting)? It may be a decent way of satisfying your urge while you're looking for a like-minded partner, good luck with finding one Link to post Share on other sites
AVeryTakenUsername Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 Absolutely nothing wrong with your kink, even if it's not as simple as just straight up BDSM. Whether it's as common as that or something a bit more obscure, it's 100% fine as long as you aren't hurting anybody (Against their consent of course). I think you're correct that being ace does complicate matters a bit. It depends on how you include it in your life. If you just use it for you, if you want a partner to do it with you, and a very large portion of allos will only really engage in it as foreplay to actual intercourse. So it's worth thinking about as you start to accept it more and more. You're not alone though. I promise. Most people have a thing of some sort. Link to post Share on other sites
AmyTSUK Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 As someone that's been part of the BDSM community for a very long time, being Ace can actually make BDSM far more intense on a mental level than than it is for those who are very sexual. BDSM is far more mental than it is physical, yes there is a lot of physical aspects to it, but a high majority of BDSM related activities create very deep mental bonds with the people participating in it. @CosmicSpaceAce You put: " I'll just say that it's sub/humiliation related for some context. I understand that among consenting adults, BDSM can be great for people when it's healthy, but I personally feel ashamed by my kink. I feel like it completely contradicts my values in every day life" Most often you will find if your day to day life you have to constantly make decisions, look after people, be in control, when you get home, often being Submissive with someone is a great way to release all the tensions and stress of that day to day grind. And being Ace as well, the fact the world puts a lot of stress on us to be sexual, the battles of dealing with that too, the thoughts of finding someone that can just take full control even if just for a short time can be very liberating. There is a thing known as an Alpha Submissive, which differs from being a normal submissive. With a True Dominant they can gain a bond mentally with them which goes way beyond any love based relationship can go, day to day the Alpha can be truly Dominant, to most people they seem like they are confident, easy to get along with, fair but strong, but really their natural nature is being submissive, but unlike a normal submissive they can't be that way with just anyone, sort of like being a demi sexual in a way, it's not that they can't be sexual but they need a special kind of connection with someone, Alpha Submissives are the same way. And yes it can be extremely confusing until you can wrap your mind around it. So I can say with hand on heart, it is nothing to be ashamed about, actually a very special thing to be, as when you do find that special someone to share it with, the mental connection you will have with them will be like nothing you've ever experienced before. EMBRACE THY KINKS 😛 Link to post Share on other sites
Tarento Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I went through a phase a few years ago of lurking around fetish communities and forums to satiate my curiosity for some kinks I've always had but never explored. I aimed to hide my ace identity at first because I thought I would be laughed out, but the occassions I did open up they were actually super understanding and inviting. I never felt awkward or pressured into anything at all and it was a great opportunity to explore that side of things at my own pace. Link to post Share on other sites
ray_asr Posted September 16, 2020 Share Posted September 16, 2020 On 2/19/2019 at 8:20 PM, CosmicSpaceAce said: Thank you both for your insight! I've been doing some other research and people seem to echo the sentiment that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I even found out that my kink is pretty common! I think that being ace adds a lot of extra complications to it but I'm already feeling a bit better about it and trying not to feel so ashamed. I figure that even if I tried to ignore it, that part of me would still be there, so I might as well try to change my attitude and approach to it first. I relate to you on so many levels. I think I have similar interests to what you have mentioned in your initial post. I am also an ace. I am just slowly coming to terms with it. Right now I am not ready to share that side of me with anyone. And in a way I am not interested in doing so either. My strategy is to not think about it too much. For me, I think it is intrinsically a part of me. And it is not going to change. My method is to not overthink it. Overanalyzing and overthinking brings all the problem. Also, guilt and shame is a part of our mindset due to our perception of how our kink would appear to a supposedly "normal" person. But if you think about it. Our kink is not hurting or harming anyone in anyway. I am not a worse person because I have them. I am still the person I am (and I would say a pretty good one). One aspect of me cannot define my entire being. Also, about views being contradictory. They're not actually. Let's say, you're thinking how can I feel so strongly about equality when I want to subjugate myself. Well the difference is you want to and it's your choice. You have the power to do so. It's a thrill, like adventure sports where you choose to bungee jump down the cliff, somebody doesn't push you down. So ofc if you talk about equality for people who have no choice and are being pushed down a cliff, doesn't mean you should feel bad for liking bunjee jumping. I don't know if my complicated example makes sense. It made sense inside my head but then I wrote it... Anyway good luck with everything!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted September 17, 2020 Share Posted September 17, 2020 Locking this as it's a thread that hasn't been active for over a year. Skycaptain moderator TGA Link to post Share on other sites
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