Why do some aces dress provocatively/in revealing clothes if they don't want that kind of attention?

[yester]

Sorry, not shaming/judging or anything, just trying to understand. I get that sometimes it's more practical (e.g. when it's hot out) but sometimes clothing choices are not necessarily a reflection of a desire for practicality. I was wondering what prompts aces to dress that way; to my understanding most of us cover up a lot. Again, can't emphasize enough that however you want to dress is perfectly fine, I'm just curious.

[Philip027]

Beats the hell out of me too.  It's one thing if it's for personal comfort, but I've seen people who specifically mention wanting to look "sexy" even if they absolutely don't want sex, and I simply don't get that.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

It’s all for attention really. It’s still awesome to know that people find you attractive even if you don’t want what they want. When you dress a certain way, people might compliment or stare which in my opinion is a huge self esteem booster

[Skycaptain]

Could be that folk want to conform and blend in with everyone else. 

Could be simply that that is the clothing they prefer wearing 

[Evren]

I'm guessing for the same reason, women who don't want to have sex with random guys wear less clothes.

 

A: It's hot outside.

B: The clothes make them feel good about themselves. 

 

I like to wear black and cover up as often as possible, but I don't do it because I want people to think I'm goth, I just do it because it's comfortable and I like black.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Well, I don't. Exactly because a) I don't want sexual attention, b) I want to look good, but NOT sexually attractive, c) I'm nudity-averse to the point of feeling uncomfortable if my neckline is lower than some 5 cm below the collarbone. However, it never really happens - I wear men's cotton vests (you know, that sleeveless undergarment, for women it goes between the bra and the shirt... the Polish name is more obvious: literally "undershirt") which reach almost all the way to my neck and it would have to be extremely hot to make me consider "skipping" the vest. I hate hot weather, but still I prefer feeling too hot than feeling undressed - even in the middle of the summer I wear long pants or, at most, 3/4-length pants - and actually I wear them only because in my case they look gender-nonconforming - they show my leg muscles and leg hair.

Still, there is a lot of cultural pressure to look attractive. Girls are taught to believe that their appearance is their only value - first of all because they must find "Mr. Right" because not having a man is the most horrible defeat a woman could suffer... Girls are taught to be "nice", not to act against other people's wishes. And nowadays even when too skimpy clothes are considered inappropriate, always wearing very covering clothes can still expose a woman to criticism as a "prude" or "bore". Probably even if you're asexual, it requires some conscious effort to get rid of this kind of thinking. And also to find a clothing style which would suit you and not make you stand out too much if you don't want it. (I happen to prefer standing out and my clothes, while always being anti-revealing, are often also flamboyant. I love hippie and ethnic styles, in a more androgynous version.)

A very thought-provoking image:

This is also the kind of message I was trying to promote when wearing a long robe and a hijab to a Slut Walk: that it's not as if "not dressing like a slut" is enough to protect women from harassment and unwanted sexual attention. No, even if a woman is covered from head to toe, she may still face unpleasant comments - because there is huge social acceptance for judging women's appearance (even if that woman is a stranger) and because some men seem to believe that they just have a right to women's bodies.

[Ceebs]

Someone dressing a certain way doesn't mean they want to get laid. Just like not dressing that way doesn't mean they don't.

[SeeYa]

I would guess it is because they like to dress that way?
Gee, there has been this whole thing about how girls don't just want it coz they dress that way the last couple of years... And I think you can apply it to anyone really...
Why should they not dress the way they like to? Coz other people can't control themselves? Please...

[SeeYa]

2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Someone dressing a certain way doesn't mean they want to get laid. Just like not dressing that way doesn't mean they don't.

You said it better, thanks!

[Guest]

If I wear my gym shorts, which are a little shorter than my average shorts and would be labeled provocative does that mean I want to have sex? Even if I'm wearing them with no intention to exercise? Just to get a little air to the boyos? 

[uhtred]

Is strange.  My wife likes to wear enticing lingerie around the house, and despite many gentle attempts to explain doesn't understand that 

 

Looking enticing is good...but its good as a lead-in to sex. Looking enticing and then not wanting sex is just teasing, and not the good sort of teasing. 

 

I've given up on ever getting her to uderstand this.  She doesn't really feel sexual desire, so doesn't uderstand that having sexual desire triggered, but not having sex is not a positive thing. 

[Grimalkin]

Look, I'm going to be honest.

 

I like attention.

 

But when I dress "provocatively," my brain doesn't automatically go to "I want these people to sexually desire me."

 

My brain just thinks, "I want to look good."

 

That's it, really.

[FerlynnGoldbeard]

Personal preference, really. I dress in what I'm comfortable in. Just because I don't want sex, doesn't mean that I don't want to feel attractive or look good for myself and for my partner. I put a lot of time and effort into making myself healthy, I want to show it off. 

[goosethedragon]

I wear those tight shirts that have a sort of v neck and short shorts because they're either comfy or I want to. I wear capris and tees when I feel that's what I want to wear. Some days I wear dresses and makeup and have my hair done and others i wear sweats and my hair's not done and my face is natural. Really, we wear what we want because sexuals wear what they want to. Just like my sexual sibling. She covers herself up because that's her lifestyle and I support her fully while she's not very comfortable wearing my clothes, she lets me do me without interfering. It's all about what makes you happy. I don't want sex but it makes me happy wearing those shorts and those lowcut shirts and belly shirts  because that's my style. It's part of who I am, really, just like my sexuality. 

[Zefron]

I think this is a fair question.  Also I'm just pretty much repeating what has already been said:

 

I want to be aesthetically attractive, and revealing clothes is what is in style.

 

I like people to think "dang, she look cute."  It reinforces my self esteem  

[JMichael]

Clothing is not consent. Clothing is not consent. Say it with me, clothing is not consent. I long for a world where its safe for everyone to simply wear what makes them comfortable without it turning dangerous.

[uhtred]

19 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

Look, I'm going to be honest.

 

I like attention.

 

But when I dress "provocatively," my brain doesn't automatically go to "I want these people to sexually desire me."

 

My brain just thinks, "I want to look good."

 

That's it, really.

Interesting. To me "looking good" and "provocative" are different things. Both attract attention but in different ways.  I see "provocative" as dressing in a way to call attention to ones sexuality, as opposed to something that is stylish, though it might happen to be provocative to some people. 

 

[andreas1033]

We can only speak for ourselves.

 

Personally, i have never dressed well, as i knew, this would possibly be something, people find appealing in others. Even though lots of us asexuals, are introverted. That does not mean, other asexuals, cannot be extroverts.

 

There is all sorts, to every group.

[Galactic Turtle]

I've also wondered this and have fallen under fire for it. Granted, none of my friends ID as asexual.

 

One of my friends loves being sexy and attracting attention but gets offended when someone who isn't her type approaches her. Yet if someone who is her type approaches her with basically the same script she's over the moon. When someone she doesn't like approaches her, she rants about how terrible and disgusting men are. It's not like they're harassing her. It's a dance club and they're approaching her to figure out her interest and 99.9% of the time they'll go away once they realize she's not interested. I try to tell her that by essentially putting herself out on the dance floor quite purposely like bait, she's going to attract a mixed bag of people. I once said that she might have better luck if she instead approached people who interest her instead of waiting for the opposite she stared at me like I grew a second head. What's even more bizarre is that if we have a night out where no guys approach her at all she'll be upset about it, assuming that not being approached means that no one finds her sexy. When I say that maybe people did find her sexy but just chose to appreciate it from afar instead of bothering her she is not placated at all. Pretty much the ideal scenario for her is she goes out looking sexy, catches the attention of a cute boy, and they enjoy the night grinding on and making out with each other. Maybe they'll exchange numbers and meet up later, maybe they won't.

 

Another one of my friends through the process of finding out that Disney princess stories are not reflective of reality, is in a phase of swearing off men entirely. She's a bubbly person but likes to put on this stoic front which is somewhat ruined given that she goes out in sparkly/sequined mini skirts and crop tops pretty much daily. She's particularly fixated with "side boob." She picks up fashion cues from pop culture, specifically Asian pop culture. This is truly how she enjoys expressing herself and how she feels the most confident however with her suddenly swearing off men she's found herself in a sort of limbo. Whereas before literally everything she did was to try to get her most recent object of affection (she's had many) to fall in love with her, now she wants to be the "untouchable bad b*tch" but remains about as intimidating as My Little Pony. She gets furious whenever someone at her school admits to having a crush on her while at the same time is hoping deep down that Prince Charming will come along. It's a very odd thing to observe. I sometimes suggest covering up a bit more when she's really really really upset but that would essentially be an attack on her entire being.

 

I know that the current mindset now is "just because I walk down the street literally naked doesn't mean I'm asking for sex," and I agree with that. However in the world around me I also observe that many things we do and many things we're drawn to lead back on some level to the fact that most people want sex and/or romance with someone sometime in their life. Because of this, I'm only left to assume that romantic asexuals in particular will still present themselves in a way that, either directly or indirectly, will increase their chances of catching the attention of a potential partner who is of the personality type who would like that style/character. Sure in the day to day this might not be an obvious conscious pursuit but that programming is always running. That programming probably has some influence on your style. In more obvious cases with my friends when we're getting ready for a "girls night out" at the club, it's definitely in the back or forefront of their minds that they just might have their lucky catch whether that catch is someone to feel pretty with for an hour or someone to marry. Is there truly such thing as free will?  (don't answer that in this thread, I've seen enough of those debates)

 

Do I think that this is the only thing that influences style? Absolutely not. Do I think it's a contributing factor? In the overwhelming majority of cases, definitely. Even as an aro ace person, I dress in a way according to how I want people to see me. My personal comfort and confidence is directly tied to how I present myself in the world. At one extreme I appear extremely masculine. On the other end of my style spectrum I'm a gender neutral classic preppy person. Conscious adjustments have been made to my default style as I was exposed to the experience of people being attracted to me - namely, covering more skin and wearing loose clothing. If someone's personal comfort and confidence is directly tied to side boob I have to assume that heavily correlates to how they want to present themselves in the world where people will prejudge their character based on their appearance. Have I attracted the romantic/sexual attention of other people? Yes because odds are no matter what you do you'll be someone's type. On top of that, some people are just jerks who will prey on anyone of their preferred gender(s) and when this topic comes up that's typically a huge part of the problem, the type that says "well I went ahead and had sex with her cause her outfit was asking for it... even if she was screaming at me to stop or was unconscious." Clothing is not consent.

 

I think that as time progresses, things like dating apps (and the next incarnations of dating apps) will make showing public romantic or sexual interest culturally obsolete. You can turn on an app whenever you want, typically whenever you want to say to the world "I am looking for a partner, please submit your application for review." I don't feel any which way about this. I will say it will be nice if this decreases random surprise situations of "I'm uncomfortable but I'll try to let you down easy." It's interesting to think about.

 

Again this is all conclusions I've made based on my perception of the world around me but I don't know what it's like to be someone else. 

[uhtred]

1 minute ago, JMichael said:

Clothing is not consent. Clothing is not consent. Say it with me, clothing is not consent. I long for a world where its safe for everyone to simply wear what makes them comfortable without it turning dangerous.

I don't think anyone is saying that.  I do think that dressing in a way that intentionally attracts attention includes accepting some level of response to that attraction. 

 

That doesn't mean accepting harassment, but I think receiving polite comments is not out of line. 

 

Clothing is a form of statement. If I wear a shirt that says "fck the establishment, burn it to the ground", I should expect negative reactions from some employers. 

[Grimalkin]

2 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Interesting. To me "looking good" and "provocative" are different things. Both attract attention but in different ways.  I see "provocative" as dressing in a way to call attention to ones sexuality, as opposed to something that is stylish, though it might happen to be provocative to some people. 

 

I think that might be what I'm getting at, actually. 

 

Sometimes my outfits accentuate my body or show more skin, but I'm not doing it with the intention of being sexually provocative. Other people might see it that way, but I don't care. I just like to feel confident in myself.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

Someone dressing a certain way doesn't mean they want to get laid. Just like not dressing that way doesn't mean they don't.

 

40 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

Look, I'm going to be honest.

 

I like attention.

 

But when I dress "provocatively," my brain doesn't automatically go to "I want these people to sexually desire me."

 

My brain just thinks, "I want to look good."

 

That's it, really.

 

19 minutes ago, JMichael said:

Clothing is not consent. Clothing is not consent. Say it with me, clothing is not consent. I long for a world where its safe for everyone to simply wear what makes them comfortable without it turning dangerous.

👏👏👏

[uhtred]

23 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

I think that might be what I'm getting at, actually. 

 

Sometimes my outfits accentuate my body or show more skin, but I'm not doing it with the intention of being sexually provocative. Other people might see it that way, but I don't care. I just like to feel confident in myself.

But can you feel confident dressing in an attractive but non-sexy way? I guess part of it depends on how you feel about other people's reactions. If you don't mind that other people think you have intentionally dressed in a provocative way, thats fine.   I don't have negative opinions of people who dress provocatively, but I assume (I guess incorrectly) that it is an intentional attempt to attract at least one member (possibly not present) of their desired gender. 

 

[Grimalkin]

6 minutes ago, uhtred said:

But can you feel confident dressing in an attractive but non-sexy way? I guess part of it depends on how you feel about other people's reactions. If you don't mind that other people think you have intentionally dressed in a provocative way, thats fine.   I don't have negative opinions of people who dress provocatively, but I assume (I guess incorrectly) that it is an intentional attempt to attract at least one member (possibly not present) of their desired gender. 

 

Well sure. I usually dress fairly modestly, but I don't care what people think of me. As long as they don't treat me inappropriately it's all good.

 

If someone thought I was sexy in my outfit I'd be flattered. I'd also not be interested, and it wouldn't have been my intention to get sex, but that's just what happens when you show more skin around allosexual people.

[RatherBeReading]

Most people don't pick their clothes for the benefit of anyone else - they wear what they want to wear, because they like it. Some people just like wearing 'provocative' clothes 🤷‍♀️

[AceAndAnxious |-/]

majority of people dress how they dress because they just like it

they're not dressing for another person's pleasure

[RoseGoesToYale]

Could be a lot of reasons. Convenience might also be one. As a female if I wander into the woman's section of any store in the mall right now, my choices are short shorts, low cut tops, see-through overshirts, and leggings. It's probably easier for people to go with it because that's what's available and what is currently considered fashionable. I will happily spend hours rummaging through the doldrums of Goodwill to find something that's none of those things. To each their own.

[mashandgravy]

Sometimes 'provocative' is subjective. I can't comment personally as I dress in a very de-sexualised and androgynous manner but I'd say that some of these aces' looks could be sexy or provocative. https://www.qwearfashion.com/home/this-is-what-asexual-looks-like

 

They take pride in their appearance, and part of that is dressing in a way that flatters their figures. Liking your body is not an enticement to sex.

[Guest]

Maybe I'm wearing these clothes because I love the way they look on me? 

 

If you're provoked by it, that says something about you. Not the person wearing the clothes in question. It is no excuse to blame the person for wearing what they're wearing for your feelings. 

[Guest]

I like to occasionally wear nice clothes. To me, thats leggings and a short skirt. Or a nice dress. Or sometimes a more goth / steampunk look. Sometimes it involves a corset. 

 

None of that is for other people. It is because I like the look. I prefer people not notice, but they do because its a nice look. But, Im not going to walk around in a potato sack just cause I dislike attention.

 

Most the time im in sweats and a tshirt, or work clothes. 

 

I have lingerie when I want to look sexy for my spouse. Only person i want to find me sexy.

 

so dont see why aces cant just think it looks nice and want to wear it