Am I the only aro who only enjoys relationships in theory?

[starr-rroving]

Because that's how it is for me. I rarely think about myself in a relationship (usually I imagine two other people in a relationship with each other), but when I do it's only to a specific celebrity or women in pictures on Pinterest or Tumblr or whatever who I'll never meet IRL. And I enjoy thinking about the relationships and everything to do with a relationship (living together, intimacy, emotional and physical closeness, etc.).

 

But when it comes to having a relationship in practice, it's always uncomfortable for me and it all falls apart quickly.

 

Does any other aro do this? Or am I just a homoromantic or possibly biromantic who is just uninterested in relationships or suffering from internalised homophobia?

[To Each Their Own]

I’m happy for other people that are in them that want to be in them. Does that count?

[starr-rroving]

Just now, To Each Their Own said:

I’m happy for other people that are in them that want to be in them. Does that count?

Totally counts in my book!

[Blomdor]

You are certainly not. I go as far as reading shamefully sappy romantic fiction occasionally for the warm fuzzies. I find it very happy to see and hear about people truly in romantic love with one another. It's a beautiful, joyful thing as a whole. And I've always had an appreciation for it, I think, even before I knew what romance was, because I remember as a very small boy seeing my grandmother fall asleep in my grandfather's arms on the couch and being so full of that warm fuzziness that I just about exploded. I think romance is a wonderful phenomenon.

 

I have never been in anything like a romantic relationship, nor do I have any desire to enter into one personally, but it seems quite clear that this does not mean that one cannot understand and appreciate such relationships for the happiness and positivity they bring to the lives of others, or find it enjoyable in fiction.

[Guest]

I don't care about romance in reality, for me or for other people, but I do like romance in fiction sometimes.

[The Dryad]

Hmm, I'm sort of the same way, that's how I thought I was straight for so long, getting lost in fantasy worlds and creating my own version of 'romance' when instinct told me 'nah fam'.

[Laplace]

Even in fiction, I still find myself nitpicking all the little things that I think would make a relationship difficult or unappealing 😩. Like when they have stories where one partner has official authority over the other (whether it’s in the military, a corporation, or a boss-bodyguard situation), I immediately think that dynamic presents a huge moral problem. Some people think it’s romantic; I think it’s an potential avenue for favoritism or an abuse of power. This is why I’d fail at romance even if I did have romantic inclinations; I’d be the pickiest, most risk-averse partner of all time. 

[TheAP]

I sort of like the idea of having a romantic relationship and have imagined what one would be like, but I don't really feel the desire for one in reality.

[Guest]

On 10/30/2018 at 1:12 PM, Blomdor said:

You are certainly not. I go as far as reading shamefully sappy romantic fiction occasionally for the warm fuzzies. I find it very happy to see and hear about people truly in romantic love with one another. It's a beautiful, joyful thing as a whole. And I've always had an appreciation for it,

Same. I've always enjoyed romantic subplots and the concept of romantic affection, it was just never something I felt a strong desire for myself. I think I just liked the idea (theory) of it, but never wanted the reality of it. 

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

On 10/30/2018 at 2:33 PM, starr-rroving said:

But when it comes to having a relationship in practice, it's always uncomfortable for me and it all falls apart quickly.

Back when I tried dating, this is what it felt like to me.

[luna07]

On 10/30/2018 at 9:33 PM, starr-rroving said:

Because that's how it is for me. I rarely think about myself in a relationship (usually I imagine two other people in a relationship with each other), but when I do it's only to a specific celebrity or women in pictures on Pinterest or Tumblr or whatever who I'll never meet IRL. And I enjoy thinking about the relationships and everything to do with a relationship (living together, intimacy, emotional and physical closeness, etc.).

 

But when it comes to having a relationship in practice, it's always uncomfortable for me and it all falls apart quickly.

 

Does any other aro do this? Or am I just a homoromantic or possibly biromantic who is just uninterested in relationships or suffering from internalised homophobia?

Maybe you are Lithromantic: "Somebody who can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory. They do not need the affection to be reciprocated, and as such do not usually feel compelled to seek out a relationship with someone they are interested in. Some lithromantics may also stop feeling their romantic attraction once in a relationship."

 

There is also Cupioromantic: "Cupioromantics have a desire to be in a romantic relationship, despite not not feeling romantic attraction."

 

These are both on the aromantic spectrum. Do any of these fit your feelings? (Cupio- and Lith- romantics can be of any sexual orientation)

[BeakLove]

On 10/30/2018 at 7:33 PM, starr-rroving said:

And I enjoy thinking about the relationships and everything to do with a relationship (living together, intimacy, emotional and physical closeness, etc.).

 

But when it comes to having a relationship in practice, it's always uncomfortable for me and it all falls apart quickly.

The idea of an abstract relationship is different to actually engaging in one, for everyone. Developing emotional and physical closeness with a real person, well, it's different from imagining it, and much harder! 

 

I think most people have at least a vague idea of a relationship they'd enjoy in theory. But the real world has a funny way of disabusing us of these notions, for better or for worse.  In theory I find very little appealing about many of the things people consider "romantic" - particularly the more gooey side of it - but in practice I find with the right person they can be enjoyable and bonding. Perhaps it's a function of expectation. I've found in relationship contexts where it's "expected" it's exhausting and annoying to engage in. Where it's perhaps less expected and just occurs naturally, it isn't. 

 

Perhaps that is partly why you'e found it uncomfortable even if you like the idea. That you're sort of expected to do these things from the off in romantic relationships, even if the requisite emotional closeness isn't there (because it simply can't be when you've just met). 

[Madao]

I feel the same. I like the idea of being in a relationship and doing little things with that person everyday, but if I come to know someone might have feelings for me, I freak out too much. Also, actual relationships seem a pain for me to maintain. 

On 11/5/2018 at 10:35 PM, luna07 said:

Maybe you are Lithromantic: "Somebody who can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory. They do not need the affection to be reciprocated, and as such do not usually feel compelled to seek out a relationship with someone they are interested in. Some lithromantics may also stop feeling their romantic attraction once in a relationship."

 

There is also Cupioromantic: "Cupioromantics have a desire to be in a romantic relationship, despite not not feeling romantic attraction."

 

These are both on the aromantic spectrum. Do any of these fit your feelings? (Cupio- and Lith- romantics can be of any sexual orientation)

Also, I think you might be one of these.

[Katie15]

On 31 October 2018 at 6:33 AM, starr-rroving said:

Because that's how it is for me. I rarely think about myself in a relationship (usually I imagine two other people in a relationship with each other), but when I do it's only to a specific celebrity or women in pictures on Pinterest or Tumblr or whatever who I'll never meet IRL. And I enjoy thinking about the relationships and everything to do with a relationship (living together, intimacy, emotional and physical closeness, etc.).

 

But when it comes to having a relationship in practice, it's always uncomfortable for me and it all falls apart quickly.

 

Does any other aro do this? Or am I just a homoromantic or possibly biromantic who is just uninterested in relationships or suffering from internalised homophobia?

Oh man I totally feel like this. Almost exactly. Thank you for articulating it so well. 

I  think part of the imagining a relationship is like a nice fantasy but some of it is with a kind of sadness that this is something I will never have, even though in reality I know that it would not work for me at all and I would be extremely anxious and uncomfortable all the time.

I have crushes or whatever to people I don't know, like musicians and comedians and such, and I wish I could know them in person, but I also know that if I ever met them I would freak out, and not just because their famous and way to cool for me. I've only quite recently realised that none of these people are cis males, so I think I have almost accepted that I am homoromantic. but then i think i'm aromantic. and i have some weird kind of resistance to saying i only experience aesthetic attraction, because I feel like that makes me sound.....superficial? Not that I think that about anyone else who identifies that way of course. 

Sorry this has turned into a ramble. Also, because I am questioning the romantic side of things so much I am always scared that I am replying to the wrong thread........