Emotions and feelings of attraction towards sexual partners?

[RandomSexual]

Hello, so first off just some background info to help with my question(s):

(Possible TMI later in this post, I will mark it when it comes up later)

I am a Sexual in a mixed relationship with a grey-ace partner, whom I love with all my heart. We're currently engaged and planning our wedding within the next couple years! We both love and care for each other deeply. We are pretty open about our needs/wants/desires and lack thereof (but after reading some of the stickies here I think I ought to be a bit more open myself). Anyways.

 

Now for some more personal background (Possible TMI ahead).

When we first started dating, we moved pretty quickly into things, and right off the bat my partner made it clear that they don't have a very high sex drive, which they believed was partly due to the depression medication they are taking (later, they discovered they are grey-ace and now has a better idea about why they dont feel the same about sex as sexuals do). I told them I completely understand, sex isnt everything to me and for me personally there is much more to a relationship than just sex. But we still had sex fairly often, with either one of us initiating and being open about our intimacy and having a good time. They would tell me that they think I'm handsome, attractive, telling me what they like about my body. They themselves arent too romantic, often describing themselves as romance-averse at times. All in all, it made me feel attractive, wanted, desired. And when they came out as grey-ace, I was, and still am, completely respectful and supportive of them. But more and more, they have stopped doing things that they did before. Which brings me into the reason why I'm posting here, and seeking advice, or insight, or clarification.

 

Do those sort of feelings just, disappear? Does them not having a need for sex mean they dont feel the same kind of attraction or feelings towards me as they did before? Or do they not want to acknowledge those feelings when they come because of the implications to romance/sex? Or is it something else? I think these questions come up for me personally as a result of some deep-rooted internalized self-confidence issues that I deal with from time to time, but I can't help but think them, and to be honest it hurts. 

 

Any different perspectives or just things to think about is much appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[NickyTannock]

@RandomSexual Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I don't have any experience-based advice I can give you.
But from what I've read from mixed Sexual and Asexual or Greysexual relationships, it's common for sex to drop off.

 

The reason seems to be that Asexuals and Greysexuals find sex tiring and eventually become afraid of initiating it.
This fear leads to withholding of affection to avoid accidentally causing their partner to initiate it.
One solution that sometimes works, though not always, is to have agreed upon days and times, so that the Asexual or Greysexual can prepare and knows that affection won't lead to sex if they don't want it to, and the Sexual knows that they won't be deprived of sex or make their partner uncomfortable accidentally.

 

Incidentally, it's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[RandomSexual]

18 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@RandomSexual Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I don't have any experience-based advice I can give you.
But from what I've read from mixed Sexual and Asexual or Greysexual relationships, it's common for sex to drop off.

 

The reason seems to be that Asexuals and Greysexuals find sex tiring and eventually become afraid of initiating it.
This fear leads to withholding of affection to avoid accidentally causing their partner to initiate it.
One solution that sometimes works, though not always, is to have agreed upon days and times, so that the Asexual or Greysexual can prepare and knows that affection won't lead to sex if they don't want it to, and the Sexual knows that they won't be deprived of sex or make their partner uncomfortable accidentally.

 

Incidentally, it's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

 

Thanks very much for the response and warm welcoming!

 

You may have hit the nail on the head regarding sex being tiring (or inconvenient at times, we live with a roommate). I'm really thinking about times where some of my partner's behaviors have changed in ways to withhold affection, and its honestly probably because of being afraid of feeling like they caused me to initiate it. 

 

In another thread, I read a post that suggested sitting down and coming to an understanding and possible compromise when it comes to desires/needs/comfort. Do you think it would be a good idea to bring this up too, to see if they are afraid of accidentally "leading me on", or something along those lines?

[NickyTannock]

@RandomSexual I think you should bring it up, but they may be apprehensive when you do, because if they do have that fear, then they may also be afraid of disappointing you.
Otherwise, they would have said something about it themselves.

[RandomSexual]

4 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@RandomSexual I think you should bring it up, but they may be apprehensive when you do, because if they do have that fear, then they may also be afraid of disappointing you.
Otherwise, they would have said something about it themselves.

Alright, thanks for your input. I'm definitely going to take some time to think about this before I bring anything up.

[NickyTannock]

@RandomSexual You're welcome, and good luck!

[ryn2]

21 minutes ago, RandomSexual said:

In another thread, I read a post that suggested sitting down and coming to an understanding and possible compromise when it comes to desires/needs/comfort. Do you think it would be a good idea to bring this up too, to see if they are afraid of accidentally "leading me on", or something along those lines?

Welcome to AVEN!

 

This is definitely something you’ll want to do, although I agree with (both of) you that a sensitive approach matters and that it’s worth the time to think and talk through.

[max9701]

It's pretty common for sex to reduce in frequency as a relationship matures. It's a bonding activity. Once people have bonded, generally they move into a more comfortable, slower-paced sexual relationship.

 

The danger with an ace partner, potentially, is that the pace can slow to near-zero. This can cause the non-ace partner to become dissatisfied, which may temporarily increase the ace's sexual interest, as a natural reaction to renew the bond. There are folks here who have found themselves caught in that cycle.

 

It's important to talk this stuff through with your partner, but it certainly has to be handled delicately. 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, RandomSexual said:

Do those sort of feelings just, disappear? Does them not having a need for sex mean they dont feel the same kind of attraction or feelings towards me as they did before? Or do they not want to acknowledge those feelings when they come because of the implications to romance/sex? Or is it something else? 

I would be reluctant to give you my perspective to be honest because it may give you hope or give you some perceived insight only for you to find later that what your partner is experiencing is utterly different from anything I said here 😧 For many (well, most) sexuals with an ace partner they end up having literally NO sex ever, or only sex that the ace feels like they have to give to placate their partner (and seriously, who wants to have sex with someone they know doesn't want it??) 😕

 

Your partner could most definitely still have those feelings of attraction but no desire to actually have sex with you as a result of them (I had an ace ex like that) OR they could potentially have lost a type of attraction to you that caused them to want sex in the first place - we can't answer that here though!! You'll have to ask your partner the questions you have posed to us. Maybe you could even show your partner this thread so they have a better understanding of the issue??

 

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck and cake

[anisotrophic]

1 hour ago, FictoCannibal. said:

only sex that the ace feels like they have to give to placate their partner (and seriously, who wants to have sex with someone they know doesn't want it??)

I'm clearly a monster, but I'm his monster. 😈

 

It's good to communicate, with kindness and care. I don't have much to add beyond a lot of +1 to the above, communication is so important. It's good to try to anticipate what an ace(spectrum) partner might feel, but also ask, since asexuality is so diverse. 🤞

[Starlit Sky]

On 10/9/2018 at 12:44 PM, RandomSexual said:

Does them not having a need for sex mean they dont feel the same kind of attraction or feelings towards me as they did before? 

I kind of think what you're asking here--and please correct me if I'm wrong--is, "Do they still think I'm attractive even though they don't initiate sex?" The answer is yes, most likely. How familiar are you with things like sexual vs aesthetic attraction? For me personally, I love my partner, I've desired to have sex with him, but I have never experienced sexual attraction. Yet I absolutely think that he IS attractive. I love how his arms look, I love how his beard looks, I love how he looks with glasses, I love how he looks without glasses . . . I absolutely do find him attractive.

 

There are some people who don't experience aesthetic attraction, but most people do, and the chances that he does as well are very, very high. So all the things that he's said before about what he likes in your body? Those can still be totally, 100% valid. He most likely still loves those things and loves how you look.

 

On 10/9/2018 at 12:44 PM, RandomSexual said:

Or do they not want to acknowledge those feelings when they come because of the implications to romance/sex?

VERY possibly. There have been times--mostly in the earlier parts of my current relationship--when I'd worry about kissing him or doing certain physical things with him because he might take it to mean that I wanted to do some "stuff," when in reality all I was wanting was just the physical touch. We've worked through that part of our relationship, though (and I'm grateful, because it was lame).

 

By the way . . .

 

On 10/9/2018 at 12:44 PM, RandomSexual said:

I think these questions come up for me personally as a result of some deep-rooted internalized self-confidence issues that I deal with from time to time, but I can't help but think them, and to be honest it hurts. 

Have you ever heard of Venus retrograde? It's astrology, so you may or may not be willing to roll your eyes. You can look it up if you want, but whether we follow astrology or not, this is a very prime time to be working on self-confidence and self-love! Ever tried affirmations?

[MrDane]

On 10/9/2018 at 7:44 PM, RandomSexual said:

Hello, so first off just some background info to help with my question(s):

(Possible TMI later in this post, I will mark it when it comes up later)

I am a Sexual in a mixed relationship with a grey-ace partner, whom I love with all my heart. We're currently engaged and planning our wedding within the next couple years! We both love and care for each other deeply. We are pretty open about our needs/wants/desires and lack thereof (but after reading some of the stickies here I think I ought to be a bit more open myself). Anyways.

 

Now for some more personal background (Possible TMI ahead).

When we first started dating, we moved pretty quickly into things, and right off the bat my partner made it clear that they don't have a very high sex drive, which they believed was partly due to the depression medication they are taking (later, they discovered they are grey-ace and now has a better idea about why they dont feel the same about sex as sexuals do). I told them I completely understand, sex isnt everything to me and for me personally there is much more to a relationship than just sex. But we still had sex fairly often, with either one of us initiating and being open about our intimacy and having a good time. They would tell me that they think I'm handsome, attractive, telling me what they like about my body. They themselves arent too romantic, often describing themselves as romance-averse at times. All in all, it made me feel attractive, wanted, desired. And when they came out as grey-ace, I was, and still am, completely respectful and supportive of them. But more and more, they have stopped doing things that they did before. Which brings me into the reason why I'm posting here, and seeking advice, or insight, or clarification.

 

Do those sort of feelings just, disappear? Does them not having a need for sex mean they dont feel the same kind of attraction or feelings towards me as they did before? Or do they not want to acknowledge those feelings when they come because of the implications to romance/sex? Or is it something else? I think these questions come up for me personally as a result of some deep-rooted internalized self-confidence issues that I deal with from time to time, but I can't help but think them, and to be honest it hurts. 

 

Any different perspectives or just things to think about is much appreciated.

 

Thank you.

In some ways it is a cost-benefit structure. And what may have started off as a bit fun, is maybe turning into more of a chore as the asexual does not still see/feel the exitement about it. How much effort, overcomming awkwardness, sweating and body odours, loss of sleep, changing sheets, remembering the best strategic moves... needs to be done, before the one who doesnt get a huge personal benefit from it (or at least gets a basic need fulfilled) would slowly get tired off it?

 

I remember, how we used to be enthustiastic about playing backgammon, both of us. Eventually, the game wasnt such a big hit for us. It kind of drifted away into oblivion for years, without any of us missing it or even realizing it had gone. Today, she have even forgotten the rules as I found it on the addict. Trouble with sex/love-sharing activities, is that one part still misses it. And you cant really share it, with yourself.

[uhtred]

Just my data point.  After >30 years married to someone near-asexual - the problems never go away.  My desire for sex and its coupling to romance and love do not diminish.  They never develop an interest in sex or decide that an active sex life is good for us even if it doesn't interest them. 

 

As someone else posted, sex lives often decrease in a relationship, but with someone who is ace or near-ace, there is a constant struggle to keep it from going to zero.  

 

I don't recommend it.