Losing Control?

[logophile]

While reading the posts in the Alcohol thread, I started thinking...

A few people mentioned that they disliked being drunk because they have a need to always feel in control. I share this need and totally understand why someone who likes to retain their self-control would hate being drunk. However, it was also mentioned a time or two that this desire to remain in control also made them not want to have sex. That interested me. So, my question is...

Who else feels this way? Is having sex "losing control" to you? I personally have never felt this way when I engaged in sex, but it would be good to hear other's experiences and ideas.

[Apophyllite]

Is having sex "losing control" to you?

It depends... If I were in a loving relationship and had sex out of love, then no, I wouldn't consider it "losing control." But if I just randomly decided to have sex with someone out of sexual desire/attraction, then I would consider it out of control because I don't have a need for random sex.

[CookieMoo]

Well, personally I like being drunk... sometimes. (not every night like my ex-roomie.) So I guess I don't have control issues.

And I don't think having sex would be a lack of control either, because it's a situation you can take control in... that is unless someone doesn't listen to the word no, or doesn't respect you or your wishes. >.< Soo complicated.

[Wee_Little_Me]

Hm, Ive never felt that Ive lost control and Ive done my share of drinking.

I love rollercoasters. That relies a lot on the peson thinking they have no control. So maybe.

Mind you I also dont like to get baked enough to 'lose control' of my body and not be able to walk around. But Im pretty sure thats a completely different kind of 'control' lmao.

So in short i donno. You have an excellent point though.

[Dargon]

I also have that control thing, but I do drink and get a little tipsy, but I'm still mentally all there (the effect is pretty much entirely physical).

As for sex, if I'm having it, it's on my own account, so I don't see how it would be losing control.

[M51]

Well, I have tried many different things as far as control in sex. I have just let the ole ex-hus do his thing, totally relinquishing control. Then he thought maybe it WAS a control issue, so he "let" me have total control. Thing is, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with said control, and did not get any joy out of trying to figure that out. If I REALLY had control I wouldn't be having sex at all. So I don't think the aversion to sex has to do with a loss of control so much as a total lack of desire to do it. No matter who has control, I did not like it. Or if you are referring to losing control of your body/senses...well, I never did lose control of my body or senses during sex. I was unfortunately acutely aware of everything going on and I still did not like it.

As for drinking, I do dislike the sense that I might do something stupid, so I guess that means I don't like the idea of being out of control. But in addition to that - probably more important - I just don't like the feeling of being drunk. Even when I am alone drinking wine I don't like it when my head starts feeling light and my lips get a little numb (first sign that I've had too much!).

People on this board seem to have very defined personal spaces, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, so I wonder if that might be the common link instead of control. Because when I get a little tipsy I feel like I am outside of myself, outside of my space, and I do not feel comfortable there. And obviously, sex creates space issues.

[oneofthesun]

I will get drunk only when I'm around people I trust. But I think that's just common sense... especially when you're only 100 lbs. soaking wet :? Back when I used to ride horses I liked the unpredictable ones best. Actually, my teacher used to say that control freaks never like riding, which makes sense to me.

l People on this board seem to have very defined personal spaces, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, so I wonder if that might be the common link instead of control. Because when I get a little tipsy I feel like I am outside of myself, outside of my space, and I do not feel comfortable there. And obviously, sex creates space issues.

I hate to bust another theory, but I love being touched... Pretty much everywhere except the upper thighs and genitals. Of course I can't take it from just anyone, but I would like it if people touched each other more in our society.

[M51]

Oh, hey, I love being touched, with certain notable exceptions. But I have a very defined sense of my physical space - and that sense is what I was talking about.

[Aangie]

Actually, that is an interesting post- because I used to think alcohol made people lose control.

I'm one of those people thats wants to be in control of her actions- that is why I abhor the idea of me personally taking drugs. You lose control.

But since I turned 21... I've been drunk on a number of ocassions. I've noticed that it's a sign of other things if a people goes nuts when drunk. I am still my happy self, still remember to lock the door and be safe, don't go wild and/or violent, or any of the other whacked out things people to. Drinking and driving? Hell no.

So, I guess if I lost control when drinking, I'd never really do it either. Luckily, this is not the case. =)

[gloeblio]

I've thought of this. And especially I've thought of the fact that I think that it's strange that some people have so strong sexual drive, that (they say) they must have sex (all the time), which makes them weak in a way.

But then I've thought about how bad I am at controlling myself (in other areas, naturally)... so I can't really blame them.

Back to the question; am I afraid to loose control? If I have no control, I'm not afraid, I don't mind leaving *all* of the control to someone else. Also I can get by quite well if I have all the control. But having a little control is something that makes me nervous and drives me quite crazy.

[logophile]

I never viewed sex as a loss of control, and I atribute this to my asexuality. I don't have the overwhelming desire to pursue sex, nor do I have whatever it is that makes people's brain go to mush during the act itself, so I feel I'm far more "in control" than the average sexual would be in the same situation.

Before I had sex, I did fear it partially due to a worry about losing control. After all, the media depicts it as two people just going ape on one another! But I haven't experienced it that way yet.

[crazyjerseygirl]

I have been told by my sexual friends that when they have sex (at least good sex) they do give up a certian amount of control as thinking is not really a part of the whole situation. During the attempts that I have made to have sex I realized that this wasnt happening to me. Stuff may have felt good, but my mind would still be on that wonderful recipe I just learned, the book I was reading or even thinking about why i was thinking! There was no turning off the brain and turing off the body.

Though I never posted in the alcohol thread I can say that while I do enjoy liquor I have never been drunk, nor do I desire to be. It is difficult to tell if this is relative to my inability to lose control during sex, or if it is because of my upbringing (My parents started me on watered down wine at the age of 7, so alcohol was never considered a taboo or something which one used to get drunk, merely a dinner drink, in fact i dont see the point of drinking without good complementary food!)

Whether my asexuality is due to my control issues or my control issues are due to my asexuality is beyond me, ill let someone else tackle that one.

TTFN

Renee'

[TeddyMiller]

I have that. I don't drink, never have and never got drunk, because I want to remain in control of myself. And one reason I wouldn't want to have sex is that it does seem like it would be a loss of control: being controlled by emotions and sensations, having someone else do things to me, etc.

[bearded]

The 'control' thought has crossed my mind a few times. I did used to drink up until about 2 years ago, but gave it up as I became more aggessive on it, which was a shame, when I enjoyed being drunk it was fab! Its taken a few years of going out to get into the swing of not feeling awkward when out on the tiles (plus a dose of Take That to get me in the party mood ). I enjoy loseing myself in the music on the dancefloor, or singing. When I was in the school choir we would just break out into song and sing away for hours. I also feel the same 'loss' when in art class, letting the creativity take over. I guess I started to think about it when I was at a friend's house (She is sexual). We were watching a music channel which had the video of a wonderful choir, I can't remember their name but they did a version of U2's 'with or without you'. She made a comment of how she felt uncomfortable of seeing people lost in singing , I made the comment that I thought it was beautiful. We had a heated debate and ended up agreeing to disagree. I also wonder if that is why I am interested in fetishism, and the whole surrendering you control to someone who will please you and know where lines are drawn.

[Amcan]

Never had sex but not becuase of control issues, just not interested in it.

I eouldn't think it would be a problem for me.

[Wolf X Omega]

I never had sex because i'm not interested in it, sure, sometimes i kinda lose control and think about it, but that's my hormones talking(I'm a teenager after all).

I don't like to drink too, but not because of lack of control, it's because my dad ruined his life drinking, and i don't wanna end like him

[Shortass Lady]

I don't like to get very drunk, but it's less about self-control, and more about not wanting to feel very sick!

But yes I also like to retain some control and common sense when on a night out, (for safety reasons largely), so that's another reason I never go far beyond tipsy.

[elquesogrande]

I'm all about self control. I enjoy being drunk because I can control myself when I'm drunk. I am in control and I know exactly what I'm doing, and I'm not just saying that, it's true. I do believe that sex is a loss of control, you don't know what the other person is going to do, and you can't control the timing. It's like it's on a timer...that really creeps me out...eeugh and just thinking about writhing around uncontrollably like that grosses me out.

[UnicornLady]

I think the issue about drinking and loss of control is one of dignity and self-respect. I drink with food or as an aperitif. I'm very much more at home with Italian and French culture in this, and am revolted by the way so many younger people here in Britain seem to regard "getting drunk" as the goal of going out with their friends, and think how hammered they got is something to brag about. They just degrade themselves. There's also the personal safety aspect: drunken men tend to get into fights, and women leave themselves vulnerable to sexual exploitation. It's not a good idea.

[elquesogrande]

I agree with you Unicorn. It is pretty bad that people go out just to get drunk. The Italians and the French have the right idea. Jewish people are like that too, and wine is something to be blessed, not something to use just to get drunk. Chassidic Jews get drunk as a spiritual thing, to get closer to God.

But I happen to be a paradox because I do like to get drunk, and as for personal safety, if someone tries to exploit me, they better watch out for their own personal safety. But that's just me. You're probably right about the majority of people.