Is this sexual attraction?

[Bezzy-Loo]

I know this question has been asked hundreds, maybe thousands of times over, but... yeah, it's being asked again, because I don't want to try digging through years of conversations for relevant specifics with what little free time I have. Sorry. ^^;

 

I have comfortably identified as plain asexual for awhile now, and it felt sensible to describe my past as cupiosexual. I'm a sort of fluid sex-indifferent; I'd usually rather not bother, am sometimes mildly bothered by the idea, and sometimes find the concept appealing. I do have a libido, but it seems pretty weak and infrequent. I also suspect I may be less sensitive down there than most vagina-havers, which contributes toward my "rather not bother" thing. 

 

Thoughts toward my best friend (he is aware of all of this) have been confusing me lately. I've had shifting romantic/non-romantic feelings for him for awhile (and without getting too much into that mess, it's sufficient to say we have an agreement not to date or anything; we are cuddly friends) which I've reached a sort of peace with. Lately, though, my mind will occasionally start creating sexual fantasies with him. I know that his appearance has nothing to do with it. I am also not aroused by these fantasies, but I still find them appealing. There is a placiosexual vibe, but there is also the sense that I just want to do these things with him. It feels important. 

 

So now I'm wondering if this is sexual attraction, or if I'm just psyching myself out (I'm going to be looked at for Borderline Personality Disorder soon), or if something else is going on. Any thoughts? 

[MyOwnMercury]

Wow. Just wow. 

That’s not a bad wow, I’m just surprised. Human feels are wack.

Alright, so you fantasize and sometimes find it appealing and other times not. You’re not aroused. I sometimes create fantasies, but never between me and someone else, usually just imaginary people, and only in certain cases do these arouse me. You say these fantasies have nothing to do with his appearance, could this mean that only the act is important in this case? Perhaps your body just wants this and he’s the one it sets the scene with? Look, I’m literally half your age, but you never know what two people can learn across an age gap. (Also, I think I’d make a pretty good sex therapist, just saying.)

 

My friend identifies as panromantic, but she is completely repulsed by sex. Me, I’m more of a “meh,” person, homosensual, aro/heteroromantic, but here’s the point:

You are already you, no matter how you feel. What we have decided to do is just not label ourselves. We’re not Questioning, we’re both pretty sure we fall on the ace spectrum, but we’re more of asexuals with no labels. We feel how we feel, that’s it. It’s not about what you do, it’s about how you feel. We’re kids, and life’s more than labels and confusing ourselves as we’re growing up when we should be having fun. 

 I hope this helps at all, and please, if you don’t mind, check back in soon of you want.

[Gldlynch]

Hey Bezzy-Loo

 

Perhaps you are in the line of demisexual? Or it could be sensual attraction? It sounds like you are open to the idea of having sex because you have firmly established an emotional bond with your friend.

[Yep, me]

Sexual attraction is about actually wanting to perform a sexual act (I think) so probably asexual (I think so, but determine it yourself).

[roland.o]

On 3/16/2018 at 4:12 AM, Bezzy-Loo said:

I know that his appearance has nothing to do with it.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this. You mean his appearance (looks) in real life, or his appearance in your fantasies? And what is "it"?

 

You might be demisexual and developing feelings for your cuddle buddy. You might also be developing some curiosity about sexual encounters in general, and your mind puts your cuddle buddy into the partner role because it's the only one with whom you'd feel comfortable enough. Or something else entirely.

 

On 3/16/2018 at 4:12 AM, Bezzy-Loo said:

It feels important.

I know that feeling, though from a different place. If it's important, it's also important that you don't rush things and instead take some time to investigate what exactly you're feeling. Is it an option to talk with him about your feelings, or would that put your relationship in jeopardy?

 

I've had the opportunity to talk with the subject of my fantasies about my feelings, and it helped me a lot. Not to the point that I could now say with certainty whether I am sexually attracted or not. But I got to the point where we get along fine, and the question does not matter at the moment

[Bezzy-Loo]

On 3/15/2018 at 8:54 PM, MyOwnMercury said:

You say these fantasies have nothing to do with his appearance, could this mean that only the act is important in this case? Perhaps your body just wants this and he’s the one it sets the scene with?

I am not accustomed to fantasizing in general. I have, but when it comes to libido stuff, there aren't really even people. Just relevant parts, if even that. Normally, anyway. Of course, I did already say there's no arousal involved, but that would just bring me to, at most, the occasional romantic fantasy. Which... hm. It isn't unusual around him to have an urge to, for example, kiss, without actually having the desire. I count it as a "story"-centric form of cupioromanticism that flares up sometimes, wanting to do something because it seems like the appropriate thing to do in the situation rather than because I actually want to do it. It can be annoyingly obsessive.

 

This seems somehow to be the same and different at the same time. :/ 

 

 

On 3/15/2018 at 8:54 PM, Gldlynch said:

Hey Bezzy-Loo

 

Perhaps you are in the line of demisexual? Or it could be sensual attraction? It sounds like you are open to the idea of having sex because you have firmly established an emotional bond with your friend.

Those are among the things I'm wondering. It feels important to me to know which one it is, though. ^^; I think I might just have too many things tied up in (mentally) it for it to be clear, though. 

 

 

On 3/15/2018 at 9:08 PM, Zenzencat104 said:

Sexual attraction is about actually wanting to perform a sexual act (I think) so probably asexual (I think so, but determine it yourself).

That's pretty much what's going on, yeah. ^^;

 

 

On 3/17/2018 at 4:26 AM, roland.o said:

I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this. You mean his appearance (looks) in real life, or his appearance in your fantasies? And what is "it"?

"It" is the fantasizing thing, and I mean his actual, real appearance. He's not ugly or anything, but I have no particular aesthetic draw to him and he isn't "traditionally" sexy. (Erm... except once in awhile when he does something that seems particularly smart too me and just freaking smiles about it, then my brain actually does go "sexy? what? sexy sexy? kiiiiissss!" just looking at him.) 

 

On 3/17/2018 at 4:26 AM, roland.o said:

You might be demisexual and developing feelings for your cuddle buddy. You might also be developing some curiosity about sexual encounters in general, and your mind puts your cuddle buddy into the partner role because it's the only one with whom you'd feel comfortable enough. Or something else entirely.

The demisexual thing is one of the things I'm pondering. Curiosity... nah, I was curious in the past, but I lost that years ago. The second part of that sentence, though... unusual that I'm fantasizing about anyone to begin with, but he is the person it feels least weird with, and presently the only one who it occasionally doesn't seem weird with. (I've tried thinking of others, but... it's always weird and uncomfortable.

 

On 3/17/2018 at 4:26 AM, roland.o said:

I know that feeling, though from a different place. If it's important, it's also important that you don't rush things and instead take some time to investigate what exactly you're feeling. Is it an option to talk with him about your feelings, or would that put your relationship in jeopardy?

He is aware, and although it is not something we will take any action on, he is wonderfully tolerant of it. He knows about my assorted feelings toward him, various thoughts I have (good and bad) about him, and that he is, indeed, being used as a tool to help me examine my feelings. He... is even aware of my bad habit of attempting to manipulate him (fortunately, he's usually too oblivious for it to work, and the rest of the times I sabotage my attempts, and I always admit to it at some point; I'm working on learning better coping mechanisms and figuring out how to just say when I want something).